Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@Fireflygal

I can relate (although I’ve no DCs sadly), I can very much relate to rose-tinted glasses but it’s true that ‘it’s called a breakup because it’s broken.’ I’m on OLD now too & am only giving it a go really. It’s not easy, is it!

So I think the day has gone from waking up angry with sinking feeling in my stomach and then as the day has gone its subsided and that soft heart has crept back in got me thinking about my wife and what the hell had gone so wrong.

Can still feel the underlying frustration/anger on how much I have given over the last year to try and turn this around and the sense that my wife gets to walk away like its nothing.

Its all just totally exhausting isn't it?

Don't relish the thought of moving back to an in house separation either just going to keep all this going as I count down the days until she is gone again.

The complete lack of contact is just mind numbing and where I feel such loss. We'd text every day even at work and just text about random stuff. Really missing that.

@StillTrying90

They just say “At least you have the kids to keep you company”. But as much as I love them they’re hardly much company.

I fucking hate this. It makes me feel like an even worse mother than I usually do.
No. Just no.
Kids aren't company for adults the way adults are for kids.
I talk with my kids endlessly and teach them stuff etc. I run around after them and clean and tidy etc.
They tell mummy thirty times because they want me to watch them jump on two feet at the same time. Fucking well done kid. You have learned a basic skill. FYI you learned it 4 years ago why would you expect me to congratulate you now?!?
Just no. Kids are awesome but they don't fill the void.

@feeficken I'm glad you're writing.
I get you. I miss the daily stuff. I miss the mundane stuff. I miss there simply being a person in the world who thought about me and wanted to share total utter shite with me. Tell me a joke they heard, bitch about work. Send me photos of their food cos, they just wanted to. I miss that shit. I feel you.

Today was mega busy. We were out mostly once the rain stopped. And obvs pancakes this morning. It wasn't a bad day, but draining in many ways.
We were with a friend and their kids (bubble!!) and friend kept getting messages and sharing photos with their partner and at no point did I feel annoyed but I did feel jealous. And I hated that within myself.
Kids are settled now, and I'm doing housework.
Yay.....

Love to all xx

Can I join this group / currently living at home with my soon to be ex husband. I have two young boys and am feeling the loneliness already - it’s really tricky living together when all I want to do is move on but also so scared about being lonely - we’ve been together for 15 years...

We are going through divorce and currently in the process of being taken off the mortgage etc ready for when I find somewhere. Prior to Xmas we had started to stay with parents and make sure the kids were at home and we moved around but lockdown changed that as my husband wasn’t keen on going to his parents anymore so we are now full time living together again.

@Beachtrip thank you! I’m glad someone else understands how I feel. My kids are great and of course I love them but I shouldn’t even have to make that disclaimer but people almost guilt you into it because apparently it’s not possible to be lonely when you have children?!

The thing is they don’t ask how you are, comfort you, support you, have great conversation, they aren’t going to cook you dinner or look after you when you aren’t well and they aren’t supposed to obviously so not sure what company people expect them to be!

Glad that you managed to get out today, I always find that helps. I was home all day didn’t stop raining but we did make lots of pancakes and have a pancake picnic in the living room, lots of blankets and cushions (fort style) and watched back to back movies on Disney plus today. As it’s half term I took some days off until Thursday and I’m hoping I can get them out for a bike ride tomorrow if it manages to stop raining for an hour or so.

@feeficken I completely understand what you mean about missing the small things. Even though it’s been a while for me I still remember that closeness of just knowing someone is there on the other side of the phone whenever you have that something to share. I hope you know that your feelings do matter, they are completely understandable and I know the loneliness you feel right now.

@mumofboysho I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with that situation. I can only imagine what it’s like so I hope maybe we help you feel less lonely. Positives are you can move on from this, it’s just a matter of when and not if. Lockdown etc has really made it so difficult and sort of put a hold on life it seems but I’m starting to think the light at the end of tunnel isn’t as far away anymore? Wishful thinking on my part maybe but I hope not!

Not been on here & taking the day off my phone. Would've been our ten year anniversary today (it's been three months since we split) and I've woken up feeling like I've been punched in the stomach. I left, he was abusive, I know I'm better off now...but think I'm just grieving the life I thought I was marrying into and the family unit. Just feel like 10 years ago this is not where I saw my life! 28year old unemployed (had to leave my job to make the move back to family when I left him) single but still married mum of two! Catch up tomorrow, sending love to all x

@havecourage8bekind Aww I know that feeling, I had our anniversary come and it really was an emotional day. Its different circumstances but I am sure the feelings are the same, all the optimism and hopes we had for the future and its sore to lose that.

You're braver than you know, you left for the right reasons so be bekind to yourself today and focus on doing something for you.

Hi everyone - feeling a bit low today. Made myself some pancakes last night and it just reminded me of last year, making them for him and thinking that we were at the start of a long life together and that we'd be doing this every year.

I also looked through some of my old posts, here and elsewhere, and got so angry and ashamed at what I'd put up with from him. Looking back, I compromised my values from the very start, and it only got worse.

It's such a complicated mixture of things: sadness at the loss of the relationship I thought I would have, loneliness as I now feel like I've missed my chance at happiness, anger at him for the way he treated me, anger at myself for putting up with it, sadness that the future I dreamt of won't be happening, feeling like I'm drowning under it all and I don't know where to start or how to cope.

@irishoak a lot of what your saying I can really relate with right now, the feelings are so complex and swing from one emotion to the other. I too find I am angry for giving so much for so long and I especially felt that when I started writing things down.

The problem is I can be like that one moment and then the next my heart softens again and I am missing what we had, and I know what we had is gone but with all the hope that she gave me before I though perhaps this is our chance to make something much better.

So what your feeling I think is totally normal and part of this very difficult process. I have never felt anything like and until you have or are going through it people just don't get it.

@havecourage8bekind oh that must be tough. I think you just have to know today will feel horrendous but tomorrow will feel not as bad. Be kind to yourself today and ride it out. I guess the first year of doing it all alone is worse. After that, you've done it before and it's not as raw maybe?

@irishoak I know those feelings. I feel like a complete failure at what most people manage just fine. I hate the waves it comes in. Finishing work is the worst. Hits me like a bolt. Actually evenings and mornings are rough too. I hope time will heal us all

@havecourage8bekind @irishoak @irishoak the waves of emotion really do knock you off kilter, I am not sure what its like for a Woman but as a man we want to fix things and that's the part I am really struggling to overcome. I feel like I need to fix this, that this can't be it and I tell myself I am in complete denial of the situation. Then of course do I feel like that because my wife has bounced back to me a few times and its left doubt in my mind that perhaps she doesn't even know what she wants OR that she just can't seem to let this OM go.

Its always there at the back of my mind spinning around and I completely understand the finishing work part when it just hits you. The feelings can be overwhelming and when you put the spinning thought processes on top of that it takes it all to another level.

I try and find things to do like tidy the house or watch something on netflix or go for a walk but its a temporary escape which of course I need. Right now life seems to be lived in time frames it makes me sound mental lol but make it to 1pm thats good made it now focus on making it to 3pm etc.

I'm 39 with two adult kids which I don't want to burden with this stuff as its not fair. Both parents have passed away, I've been self employed since I left college so no work mates to bounce off, lost touch with a lot of family members throughout the years just because that's what happens when your married and your concentrating on your own family.

@feeficken @mummyof2lou thanks for your kind words. Today hasn't been as hard as I expected but it's definitely come in waves. Glad I've had the kids here to keep me occupied. I've got a really strong urge to just divorce him now..not sure whether it's my emotions from today or whether I need to really start looking into it. I just don't want to be married anymore, it feels like it just hangs above my head.

@havecourage8bekind
Hope you're feeling better today.
My advice re the divorce is go see a solicitor. They will talk you through everything and knowledge is often power.
I recommend being the one to start the process. It's hugely empowering.
And I'm a purely emotionless view, you're not getting back together so you might as well issue the papers. It will be tough and he will be furious but you're so strong. And this is a step in the right direction.

In my world...
I confronted my ghoster. I realised I was stuck in the anger zone cos I wasn't being true to me and wasn't saying my piece. I've said it now.
He responded that he hadn't ghosted me, I had just never tried to make contact so I ghosted him.
(I guess him ignoring my last 4 texts and a phone call and then me giving up weren't counted)

Anyway, I think he really didn't like being called out like that so he's returning more of my stuff he found including a gift I had given him. Saying "I'm sure this is something you do in all your relationships so it's meaningless and I'm sure you'll do it in future relationships so I'm confident it will find a new home soon enough"

Which is truly vile and cruel and just cunt behaviour (I never use that word. But I think he's earned it)

I'm seriously pissed off by this. But I'm also using it to show me what a train wreck of a man he is and how when I didn't chase him he's now out to punish me.

@Beachtrip what an absolute arsehole! You had a lucky escape from a future abuser there I think.

@feeficken @mummyof2lou it really is such a rollercoaster isn't it? I had a session with a counsellor yesterday and came away from it feeling more confident and empowered, and then today I've woken up and feel anxious and worried about everything again. Have to try and ride it out I guess, sometimes I feel like I'm even planning for it...like, thinking to myself, "I'm probably going to feel shit later, so I should do such and such now, while I don't feel shit". It hangs over all the okay times, in a way, because it feels like they won't last.

[quote Beachtrip]@StillTrying90

They just say “At least you have the kids to keep you company”. But as much as I love them they’re hardly much company.

I fucking hate this. It makes me feel like an even worse mother than I usually do.
No. Just no.
Kids aren't company for adults the way adults are for kids.
I talk with my kids endlessly and teach them stuff etc. I run around after them and clean and tidy etc.
They tell mummy thirty times because they want me to watch them jump on two feet at the same time. Fucking well done kid. You have learned a basic skill. FYI you learned it 4 years ago why would you expect me to congratulate you now?!?
Just no. Kids are awesome but they don't fill the void.

@feeficken I'm glad you're writing.
I get you. I miss the daily stuff. I miss the mundane stuff. I miss there simply being a person in the world who thought about me and wanted to share total utter shite with me. Tell me a joke they heard, bitch about work. Send me photos of their food cos, they just wanted to. I miss that shit. I feel you. [/quote]
Hey all,

This post resonated with me... yep we all need that adult support don't we? I wonder how that void gets filled if you end up long term single... any thoughts? Is it just trying to get out and be social as much as you can (obviously that's pretty much impossible at the moment 😔... thanks to covid snd government)
We are human and need each other. Do we just get used to not having someone to support us etc... I've never been single before but a year and a bit in it is becoming less scary snd more normal already though definitely not what I would choose.

@Beachtrip Urgh! What a truly awful man, honestly sounds like you’ve had a lucky escape from that one. I agree with *@irishoak he is giving future abuser vibes, he can fck right off!

@irishoak definitely just keep pushing through, that’s the thing with emotions one day you feel okay like you’re moving past it and taking steps forward and other days it’s like you’re right back in it all over again. It’s definitely a time thing, so cliche I know but also true.

@Newsinglemum58 I’ve been officially single for just over 2yrs after spending 9yrs with the father of my two and I can say that before lockdown it was all about being social. I went to the gym, used to go to a yoga class regularly. Spent time with friends, family etc and even just getting out and about with the children took up a lot of time.

Now I’m feeling the loneliest I’ve ever felt and I know it’s because of how life is right now, and more than anything to have the support of a partner, physically, emotionally and mentally would have made dealing with this 1000 times easier.

I’m trying to be patient and give myself small projects, whether it’s decorating or even just changing the layout of my house, my own kind of feng shui lol. Joining book clubs etc to keep me occupied

I've definitely seen the abuse in him now.
It's funny cos he was so up on red flags and toxicity and avoiding it from experiences with previous ex's. and it now seems he can't see his own toxicity. I'm well shot. And this behaviour says more about him then me.

@StillTrying90 such a difficult time to be on your own I have to say.... I've had those pangs of jealously at couples who've had each other to hold on to when it's all got to much and scary this past year. But you know what? To get through it all alone is a testament to how flipping strong we are. I would never have wished this on anyone. Personally I think the govt restrictions have been much too over the top and I disagree with a lot of what they've done to human relationships during this pandemic....

@Beachtrip Yeah that was a pretty shitty thing to say but like most of our situations they feel the need to turn it around back on us because they can't accept their own shitty behaviour. A few weeks ago I was getting hugs and I love you's and I can't wait to see you to pretty much nothing again along with impatience and anger like I should be over it already and moving on.

@irishoak I get you there are days it feels just about alright although I am thinking about it and then next morning its like a reset and perhaps that day I will have a longing to be back with my wife again, and trying to figure out what I can do now to turn this around. Although in my mind I have already given SO much and done so much to "prove" we'd have a future.

Its really hard in a situation like this when to give up and when to keep fighting. There comes a point where I say am I just dragging all of this out longer and then I say but what if....

@beachtrip I'm going to contact a solicitor next Tuesday when I next get child free time. I think you're right about it being empowering for me to start the process. I told him I wouldn't rush into divorce - but I think I was just trying to prolong hurting him even more (yes he was abusive and an utter arsehole but hes devastated I left). I need to just do it!