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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Loneliness after separation

667 replies

havecourage8bekind · 10/02/2021 14:21

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

OP posts:
Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 15/02/2021 19:38

@mummyof2lou I agree with @beachtrip they definitely don't make me walk around with a huge smile on my face but they do take the edge off the anxiety and the not wanting to get up and face the world.

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Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 15/02/2021 19:41

@sbmb @feeficken would you honestly take back the women that did this to you if they came back?! Sometimes the only closure you need is realising you deserve better x

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Lonelyeartsclub · 15/02/2021 20:19

@mummyof2lou mine work when I remember to take them. They don’t make me feel really happy but they do stop the anxiety and also help me to cope better.

I had such a bad morning today, just felt really down about everything. Perked up a bit now after tidying out my bedroom. I’ve wrote a list on my fridge of small things I’m going to do every day each week. This weeks is to wash the pots straight away and not leave them and to clean up in a morning once toddler is dropped off at nursery.

mummyof2lou · 15/02/2021 20:38

I strangely get through the days, but it feels like just getting through it. No enjoyment. Suddenly I'm in tears and that's what I hope they might stop maybe. Wishful thinking perhaps

Lonelyeartsclub · 15/02/2021 20:47

@mummyof2lou my help with that, I only have down days when I stop taking them

Beachtrip · 15/02/2021 20:58

Having a real wobble today.
I know I'm just drained. Mentally and physically exhausted. But the kids have been a total handful and so that's giving way to my resolve going and I just want to cry.

Instagram stalked him didn't I.
Stupid.

Changeispossible · 15/02/2021 21:04

@havecourage8bekind

Thank you for the response & it’s reassuring to know you get it re the marriage ending & everyone being at the big wedding. I wish I didn’t feel so humiliated & embarrassed. I still haven’t told relatives out of shame. All we can hope for is that the pain, in all its forms, eases over time.

I feel sick of therapy at this stage but whenever I stop it, everything mounts in my head & heart & I need to go back.

I’ve thought about anti-ds too . I can see why ye take them. Life can be tough eh! But there are brighter days ahead for us all.

mummyof2lou · 15/02/2021 21:06

@beachtrip
Oh I'm sorry, but don't beat yourself up. He won't know you did it at least. Do you keep a diary? Try writing each night how you feel. When you have moments like this read everyday back and visibly see the hurt he is causing you. Then get angry not sad. He is not a nice person, he's proved this. It's so so hard to think of it as the same lovely person you thought you were with. Every day is a day closer to that day in the future when you won't care anymore

irishoak · 15/02/2021 21:10

Evening all! I've had a relatively busy day - did my supermarket trip for the week, and feel a bit flat now. I need to plan some things to do/look forward to for the rest of the week, it feels like I got the highlight out the way too early. What a world eh? Had a bit of a cry earlier - put on a so-called mood lifting playlist on Spotify, only for all the songs to be about love.

I've got a box of anti depressants from the doctor but been too scared to start taking them. I feel like once I start, what if I can't stop again and get stuck in the cycle? And being in Ireland, the cost of prescription and pills is also an issue.

My gratitude list: lots of useful things for the garden and house in the middle aisle at lidl today (really looking forward to good weather and getting in the garden again), and rediscovered an album I hadn't listened to in years that I used to love.

Lonelyeartsclub · 15/02/2021 22:06

@Beachtrip I was the same today too, it’s so hard when you have kids whilst dealing with all this shit. I go to bed early as youngest started loving early mornings, but then I feel like I got no me time to relax. They are at there days this weekend and I can’t wait to just sleep and binge watch tv

feeficken · 15/02/2021 23:05

@havecourage8bekind I guess that’s the part I am grappling with right now, all I have done is give give give and I wonder where my enough is. If I listed the things that have happened why would I want that person that did that to me? I put a question mark there because I don’t know myself why I’d just accept it and I do at times wonder if I have contributed to it by allowing it for so long.

sbmb · 15/02/2021 23:55

For those who ask would I take a person back who has done this to me - my response is , I just don’t know . It has all happened so quickly and without warning, completely blindsided me. One day I was happily married, celebrating my son’s birthday and the next day my world had been turned upside down by my best friend and most trusted life partner. I’m still in heart rather than head land . I actually think it’s somewhat academic as the conversations have all been around pushing forwards to division of assets and divorce. There has been no talk or hint of taking it slowly or time out to consider options. Couples counselling was dismissed almost as soon as it was mentioned. This is a person who never waivers once a decision is made however hastily made - empathy and reflection are not words in her vocabulary.

On the subject of anti D’s, my GP has put me on a low dosage course which help even out the peaks and troughs. Feelings of joy don’t exist at the moment but equally neither do the feelings of total despair. It’s not my intention to take them longer than necessary and I’m confident that when the time is right I will step back into the real world of being able to self manage my emotions but just at the moment they are helping.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 16/02/2021 07:51

I find it so crazy that the single women here would (probably) love to be truly loved by men like the men on here...yet we always seem to end up with the opposite? I'm really sorry your life partner ran off so quickly - I do think people who do that just get wrapped up in the excitement and the fantasy of the new life, grass being greener...That can't last forever & will one day wear off and they will realise the hurt and chaos they left behind them!

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Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 16/02/2021 07:52

I found myself asleep early again last night, I think I'm trying to escape from the lonely evenings but I need that alone time so I'm going to try really hard to force myself to read/watch something.

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Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 16/02/2021 07:53

@irishoak I love lidls middle aisle!

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lothermand · 16/02/2021 07:55

@havecourage8bekind "I find it so crazy that the single women here would (probably) love to be truly loved by men like the men on here"

I echo all you say!

StillTrying90 · 16/02/2021 09:41

Hello all! Can I join?
I know I’m a bit late to the thread but I’m a single Mum of 2. My girls are 4 and 8. Their dad cheated when I was pregnant with our youngest and we went back and forth for about 2yrs until he then got the OW pregnant. I’ve been officially completely single for the past 2 almost 3 years.

Dated here and there but nothing that lasted more than 2 months. I feel so lonely it’s scary! I turned 30 last year and it hit me like a ton of bricks as a mother of two, working from home. No ability to socialise, all my friends with children have partners and no one seems to get how lonely I am.

They just say “At least you have the kids to keep you company”. But as much as I love them they’re hardly much company.

I cry at nights thinking I will be alone forever and still have that lingering feeling of worthlessness.

Sorry that was supposed to be a short intro but I just rambled! I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this so yeah.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 16/02/2021 09:48

@stilltrying90 Hello & welcome..I hope this threads helps a bit! We can't make anything better but I think there's comfort in knowing we aren't alone in our highs & lows! I'm so sorry that you got treated so badly..people can be so cruel! I've only been single a few months so it worries me that I will have this feeling for years to come yet. I so long to be a strong independent woman who loves being alone! We are a similar age with similar age children - let's not write ourselves off just yet, I'm positive our best days are yet to come xx

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Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 16/02/2021 10:06

"Maybe it's less about arriving to some destination that finally rids us of all our pain and challenges, and more about learning how to be with ourselves even in the pain and challenges" So sorry for constantly throwing quotes at you all but I really do think they help x

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feeficken · 16/02/2021 10:23

@StillTrying90 welcome to the thread, sorry your feeling this way but your not alone so keep posting it may help.

Urrgh just couldn't get up this morning had this pit in the stomach feeling just couldn't quite put my finger on what it was though. Back to feeling pretty angry, I wrote some stuff down that I've put up with over the last year and reading it back its just made me angry.

I think reading it back I've given so much for so very little in return. I look at it and I think how can someone I love take so much and yet continue on like its nothing and not even acknowledge it.

StillTrying90 · 16/02/2021 10:26

@havecourage8bekind thank you so much! The thing is I know you’re right still so young it’s just that feeling of not being young especially as a mum to young kids with so much more energy than me! The quotes do actually help when you think about them.

I definitely know I need to be okay being alone before I can really venture out there, I know the biggest thing that has made this all worse is of course the pandemic and being stuck in the house all the time. It amplifies the loneliness by 1000!

StillTrying90 · 16/02/2021 10:32

@feeficken thank you! Yes I think writing things down can really help, it’s surprising how much.

I’m trying to learn to feel all the emotions and not always put on that brave face. The anger and everything you feel is all completely justified, I’m sorry today isn’t a good morning for you. One of the good things about writing it all down is that it gives you that physical reminder of everything you don’t deserve and won’t put up with again.

Original poster
havecourage8bekind · 16/02/2021 11:49

@stilltrying90 I know that feeling. On one hand I feel like I'm still young and have my whole life ahead...but on the other hand that makes me worry that I'm never gonna find anyone of a similar age who doesn't run for the hills when I'm a divorced mother of two haha! In reality, when we find the one it won't matter to them xx

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Fireflygal · 16/02/2021 17:42

Can I join? I have been separated for 4 years, dated a little and was doing fine being single but these last few months of lockdown have hit very hard. I realised I'm lonely..it is the lack of physical contact and whilst I have children it isn't the same.

Ex is now with OW (who was hiding in the wings) and whilst I know he isn't a nice man I'm looking back with rose tinted glasses.

I could go to the office but it isn't the same as everyone has to distance/wear masks so meaningful contact is reduced. I am on OLD but not feeling too motivated as there is little point as meeting up so restricted.

Following as it's useful to know how others are coping.

Canitbemagic · 16/02/2021 18:08

Hi everyone. Not had a good day here. No reason - just bucketing down with rain and feeling drained.
Youngest went with ex on the weekend for the week and I’m missing him badly. I had a phone call Saturday evening and another one tomorrow and then he is back first thing Saturday but I miss and love him so much- I just don’t feel whole without him.
Baa humbug - feeling lonely today. Have filled in a referral to local well being service for CBT and hoping the wait isn’t too long.