Loneliness after separation

[havecourage8bekind]

I imagine lonliness after separation is normal in any time, but lonliness after separation in a pandemic is horrendous. Anyone else? I spent ten years with someone, and now I'm a single parent who can't even socialise to fill that void/gap. I spend my time googling "how to not feel lonely" and watching all the right YouTube videos, reading uplifting quotes and filling my social media full of positive things...but at the end of the day I feel so crap!! I'm the one that ended the relationship so I think people have stopped checking in, because they think after three months I'm probably feeling better (doesn't help that I tell them I'm okay when we do chat, I suppose!)
Anyone wanna join my lonely girls club lol???

@beachtrip stay strong, he showed you his true colours. It takes a special kind of dickhead to ghost! Feel the anger, it's better than sadness. X

@lonelyeartsclub 5-6am every day is tough! No wonder you're tired and feeling down..esp if you're not taking your meds. Put yourself first and take them, they're there to make you feel better. I'm on the lowest dose of antidepressants but thinking of asking them to slightly up them. I've never wanted to be medicated but whatever works right? I hope you manage some respite somehow from the tantrums and sleep deprivation! I know how you feel about wanting to be looked after and missing the feeling when I never had it even in my relationship. I was always the one holding life together, so it's no different now..doesn't mean we don't crave someone saying "don't worry, you go sit down, I've got this!" X

I relate to that completely!!
That's what I want really.
A partner for me.
Someone who's got my back.
I'm fully self sufficient. I got this. Been doing it a long time now.
I just want someone who wants me.
Which I hate cos I used to be so cool about being alone.

Am also on anti depressants.
On a medium dose. Have been for a while and go through phases of skipping them.
I know it's self harm.

I think there's probably lots of little things we do to ourselves (or not do) that's self harm/sabotage! X

@havecourage8bekind @lothermand @Beachtrip thanks for the kind words. I guess sometimes I can be my own harshest critic at times and I think to an extend we all are.

The anger yes that's the emotion that takes you up there makes you feel that bit stronger and then drops you back into the abyss. I go through moments of anger as I think of the things that have happened and are still happening over the last year. Thats what I saying about the emotional roller coaster one moment its sadness, its anger, its love, its strength, its hopefulness and then you swings between each emotion randomly at any given moment.

@havecourage8bekind definitely I do think there are things we do that we know we shouldn't do because we know it will likely hurt us yet we are driven to do them anyway.

I too am on a low dose of antidepressants which I resisted at first and to be honest I am not sure how much they actually help but I take them anyway because I suspect they must be doing something to keep the brain chemicals balanced.

I’m on 200g of sertraline and I don’t think they helped as much as I thought they should. I’m also seeing a counsellor twice a month.
My exdh kept a me on a string for over a year since he cheated on me. I knew Deep down nothing would come of it, but I just couldn’t stop myself. Everyone else was annoyed that I kept letting him back in. Wish I was one of those woman that stands strong.
I guess I have a lot of work to do on my self esteem.

@Lonelyeartsclub don't feel bad about it I am still living that hell right now. Its like other have said to me in this thread its because you are able to offer true unconditional love. I let my wife bounce back three times so far and I think now all I have done is help ease her conscious and comfort her.

I moved out because I couldn't stand it any longer and now it looks like I may be moving back into an in house separation until she finds somewhere to live, the problem is she seems to have no concept of what I am feeling right now and having to live in the house again while she is probably dating OM is a horrible thought.

Everyone kept asking me including my two adult children why I'd keep allowing her to do it and why I wasn't angry and how could I forgive so easy and all I could say was because I love her.

I think we could all benefit from a gratitude list today! Mine today is - 1. hot tea this morning that felt like a hug in a mug! 2. Thank the lord for Roblox 3. My body - Im relatively fit and healthy and it's not let me down yet. 4. I'm having halloumi for tea and I'm counting down the hours!! My fave!! 5. Gin. No explanation needed

@feeficken so she said no to meeting up, but she will happily live with you?! What?? X

@havecourage8bekind Yes thats the kind of mind twisters I have been putting up with for the last year, I just do not understand it, happy to be "friends". Its mental.

The last time it ended was last month, so it’s quite recent.
He also has now clue on how everything he has done has effected me. He doesn’t want to know as then he would have to acknowledge it.
Like you, I feel all I have done is console and comfort him and get nothing in return. He tells me last year was the worst year of his life yet no consideration for how it’s affected me.

@feeficken I get that question about why aren’t i angry all the time. I wish I was angry, I wish I hated him but even now I just don’t. I just can’t imagine him not in my life. He was my everything

@havecourage8bekind good idea, my list today would be

1. I have heating in my house
2. I have two mornings off work this week to have a lay in
3. I have an episode of Snow Piercer to watch tonight

@Lonelyeartsclub very much the same situation here, I too can't seem to find that anger to push her away. It sounds like our situations are very similar so when I say I know what your going through I really do.

It always seems like she hardens to me and bounces to him and then softens to me again and bounces back to me.

This is all pretty recent for me too as she bounced back to me for the last few weeks and is now back with the OM and back to the little contact or concern.

It’s so shit isn’t it @feeficken

I don’t understand how they can go from one person to another. I know that he’s back in contact with the ow right now (even though they was only together briefly at end of 2019 and he’s told me many reasons why he doesn’t want to be with her ) I believe that he’s got really low self esteem and can’t be alone. I find that quite sad really and there’s nothing I can do expect leave it to it. I need to stop trying to save and fix him. If I put half the effort I put on him towards myself then I wouldn’t be in this predicament

@Lonelyeartsclub @feeficken my heart goes out to you both. I cannot imagine being 'tortured' emotionally like this, it's really quite cruel on their parts.

I think that only time will help you adopt a different attitude (even while still loving them) you will tire of the emotional rollercoaster, so you have no choice but to make a change. The saying "you cannot change someone's behaviour, only your response to it" comes to mind. This will take time, but things WILL change for you both.

Can i join? We split in lockdown last year, but I'd been mourning the LOSS of my marriage for a good 5 years before that. School age kids won't let me have an evening to myself until 10.30 at night (ds has sn, so he goes up a gear in the evening 🙄) . I used to get lonely quite often. Now I JUST WANT THEM TO GO TO BED!!!!

@Lonelyeartsclub I think the biggest issue right now is that dreaded feeling that the more time they spend with the other person the more damage is does to "us". I mean this can't be real love between them right? at least that's what I tell myself but then it could be (that makes be boak!).

Its so messy and complex but from their side it just looks so easy, I am not saying it is but they already have someone to back them up straight away and they can instantly smile and be happy (again don't think its that straight) forward but we've yet to catch up and it can be especially painful if you didn't see it coming, I sure as hell know I didn't.

@feeficken This is exactly what I’m feeling ( another man here). Six weeks since my wife left me for someone else but not on a permanent basis. Initially she thought it acceptable and reasonable to conduct her new relationship from our family home, coming and going as she pleased and has only very recently moved out into her own accommodation. I rollercoast between massively competing emotions ; sadness, anger, anguish, relief, but underlying all is the deeply felt love that I have had for her for 22 years. Yes, what we had was worth fighting for but the longer this goes on with her showing little compassion or understanding for what I and her sons feel, the chances of anything approaching reconciliation becomes more and more remote. It’s a living hell and I feel for everyone on this thread experiencing the emptiness and loneliness, particularly where it has been foisted though no fault of our making.

So many of us have been dealt really shitty cards haven't we! So sorry you're all going through this. I've never had to deal with their being another person, I remember being cheated on age 16 and that hurt enough so I just cannot even imagine the heartbreak of your life partner going off with someone else.

Humans can just be awful can't they! I'm angry this afternoon, just poured myself an early gin. Overheard my daughter on the phone to her dad and she said "daddy you keep forgetting, coronavirus!!". So when she got off the phone I asked her what he had said, to make her reply that. She said he asks her alot if mummy has friends round. In her head that's an innocent question...I know however he's questioning her to see how many men (0) I have round!!

@sbmb Its the same situation here, what we have/had was 100% worth fighting for which is why I have basically fought alone for the last year, and let me tell you its all but killed me at times. Of course we had our problems I am not going to say our marriage was a fairytale but the problems where more that we just got swept away with life and work and raising the kids and we stopped concentrating on us. There have been many times I have been unhappy but I never once thought I would go to someone else to try soothe me, text them behind my back and start forming an emotional connection that brings us to the point of breaking up our marriage.

I've thought about this a lot and I really do believe that if there was not someone else involved we would have been able to work through this and have come out the other side. Right now my wife has this other person and the "feelings" (boak) she feels for him overrides everyone and everything else.

As I see it right now as soon as someone else is involved the game is rigged, its when the rewriting of the marriage begins and what seems to be some sort of cheater automaton emerges with things like I love you but I am not in love with you because they need to start justifying to people what they've done. That comes with treating us like crap because they believe their own narrative.

Listen to me lol I have the answers and I see whats going on and this is what I mean about letting my heart rule my head, that disconnection just hasn't happened yet.

You’re right @feeficken, an almost identical situation except you have been living it for longer. It sounds dreadful. Not only the “ love you but not in love “ stuff but a re-writing of the last years of our marriage to suit the narrative of unhappiness - a period where we jointly planned our future, post early retirement in a few months time and went on more joyous holidays as a couple than ever before. Funny how it coincided with someone else appearing on the scene. Like you say, if that marriage wrecker hadn’t made contact, I think we could have worked through whatever issues were present, perceived or real, but we both seem to have been denied that opportunity.

The sense of abandonment, of being completely brushed aside in favour of a new life and ‘exciting’ new relationship, in which she has moved at the speed of light, is simply bewildering and overwhelming. I am learning to forcibly push thoughts of them together out of my mind as they have the potential to be crippling , eating away at your insides and torturing your brain but it’s always worst at night or on days like yesterday. I’m already dreading our wedding anniversary - always such a happy and positive day but the prospect of facing that first milestone alone or wondering if it will even cross her mind in order to acknowledge it me is awful.

Hoping you find the strength and resolve to pull though.

@sbmb I agree with much of what you say I have given so much for very little back but I though perhaps what was required to turn this situation around. Same here everything moved at lightning speed like you say, it feels all I have done is help their relationship by giving so much while they sorted themselves out!

The thoughts of them together that creep in are horrible and I know they where intimate because of course they where and she told me when she came back one of the times. I do struggle more with the images of them out enjoying each others company during a meal or just being able to hold hands. I've done the anniversary alone last year and she wanted nothing to do with it at all, spent it with the OM but she's never told me that, I had to hear it from someone else that saw them.

I hope things get better for you quicker than things have gone better here, right now I seem to be moving backwards again in that I am likely going back to an in house separation until she moves out. I do ask myself often what will it take for her to open her eyes but I am not confidant that will ever happen.

Interesting that a lot of you have tried antidepressants. I was prescribed them but didn't take them. Felt like a lack of control. But I feel so out of control of my emotions now I'm tempted. Sounds like they don't help though?

Haven't caught up on the full thread since last I posted. Sorry if it feels like I'm ignoring anyone!

@mummyof2lou re the pills,
I stayed off them for ages and then they took a few weeks to kick in. I resent them hugely for the reasons I went on them. But it's been over 2 years now and I definitely handle things better. They sort of level you out.
Things that felt completely unmanageable before and the desperation and total lack of motivation to even get out of bed, became a bit easier.
Things are just more manageable now.