Fucking men!

[StoryOfMyFuckingLife]

I am 46. I'm about a stone overweight. I'm atractive enough but no one is going to offer me a modelling contract. I'm single. I'm always fucking single or just about to make myself single again.

In the past 5 years, I've dated two men. Both for less than a year and both I dumped for crimes against respect and decency.

In the past 5 years alone, I've lost a friendship group because one of the married men in it made a really obvious play for me, was far too attentive, giddy when I was nearby and i ended up withdrawing from the group because I didn't like it and it was, quite frankly, embarrassing. I didn't fall out with anyone because I did nothing wrong but friendships dwindled once i started avoiding group stuff because of it.

I've lost another close male friend (he was married and I was close to his wife too) because, after making a pass at me when she was out of the room on one occasion and me rejecting him, he later contacted me to tell me he was in love with me which means I've lost her too.

I could have lost another friend because her husband 'developed feelings' for me - he actually told her he'd fallen in love with me . Fortunately, she is the most amazing woman ever and told me at the time that he was an idiot but she couldn't bear to lose me as a friend. We worked really hard on saving our friendship. They worked things out and it's now like that blip never happened (fortunately).

I've moved on, i've made new friends... every time it happens, i move on and make new friends. And it just happens again.

I dated someone for a few months last year (the second of the two men). I met him through friends. So we have mutual friends/acquaintances in common. Three couples mainly although the wife of one doesn't socialise much with us and has her own friends.

Of the three men... two of the three have made it known for a while that, if I were interested, they would be too. They've both declared love

The third? Well I don't know him well. He's socially awkward, quiet and a bit irascible. And then, tonight, he messaged me to say he was sorry to hear that the his friend and I had split up (4 months ago!) He's never seemed particularly interested in getting to know me or talking to me so i was surprised at his sudden friendliness...

You know where this is going...

Just pisses me off and makes me feel really sad. I know that none of these men are actually interested in me. Of these four men, one I was seeing but he never thought I was good enough for him because I'm not 28 and hot. And the other three are in relationships telling me how attractive I am and how much they fancy me.

Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.

It's just fucking shit.

What is fucking wrong with them??

while I always thought women who play things like bass and guitar would be very appealing to men, they actually didn't seem to like it much...

I get that. They talk about it being 'sexy' but it's not very 'feminine'. Sexy is what they want to wank over, feminine is what they want to date.

I think you represent freedom to them

I think you're probably right. Which is possibly also why my relationships don't work. A sense of 'freedom' is or what they want in a woman they're looking to shag on the side but less so in a woman they want a relationship with in case she's also a bit free with her lovin' elsewhere. Maybe...

What would happen if you didn't reply to him, but met up in the group etc as normal when it comes about and acted like nothing happened? I'm not saying you should if you don't want to, I'm just wondering if you'd get any grief.

Well I'm going to find out because I'm not replying! Like I said, i only saw him twice last year but that's pretty standard so it won't be something that comes up too often. And o one would think it weird if I didnt speak to him because we didnt really talk anyway!

It's more the awkwardness I'll feel sitting and chatting with his partner, with her being all nice and lovely and knowing this. That's the bit I'll find awkward. Not the ignoring him bit. That's why I usually withdraw from the social group because I feel awkward and embarrassed around the wives not the men.

how great it is that we now can buy and wear whatever the fuck we like, as all styles and whatever suits us is just at our fingertips.

I know! Imagine that and i have to say I'm amazed at the implication that i should actually be trying to make myself unattractive so that they men don't behave like this.

how great it is that we now can buy and wear whatever the fuck we like, as all styles and whatever suits us is just at our fingertips.

off topic but I completely disagree & it's one thing that has annoyed me about the homogenisation of the high street over the last decade. Brands used to have identities, now not so much. Remember cold shouldered tops & trying to buy a top without cut outs? Or trying to find winter coats when it's still cold. The new thing is big collars so good luck if you want a blouse with a normal sized collar in the next few months!

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife no advice to offer, but you have my sympathies.
Was just discussing this very issue with a 50 year old single female friend...it only gets worse I’m afraid!
I used to moan about certain married women being really guarded about their husbands simply if I was in a group ( I was single at the time). None of the husbands were remotely attractive and I thought they must be deluded...perhaps they had a point! 😆
Anyway, there is nothing you can do, so just ignore them. I suspect one of the reasons they all find you attractive is because you are! You sound very comfortable in your own skin, confident and happy. You shouldn’t want to change that!

wowier

I took it that the point being made meant that lots of styles are available whether they are 'fashionable' or 'on trend' or not.

Because the bottom line is that most people don't actually give a shit if 'fashion houses' approve of what they wear or not.

Most people have the confidence to know what suits them and wear that without needing that external validation.

It's actually really annoying if you suit a certain style and no where sells it anymore because it's not 'fashionable'.

I'm 60 and men my age either want a servant to attend to all their needs or a nubile sexy much younger woman. preferably both.
They are just not interested in an intelligent equal life partner.

Nomoreporridge

I agree. 10 years ago, when I was a wet behind the ears, newly single woman, I was really offended by the assumption that i would be after everyone else's husband.

I can see why now though.

Shehasadiamondinthesky

How depressing. But, i have to say, that attitude is already present in some of the 50something men I've met and know. They seem to be offended rather than flattered if an intelligent, attractive woman of a similar age is interested.

Like I say, my last two relationships have ended because of disrespect and it's of this sort of nature.

I had hoped I'd just been unlucky but, as the months and the years go by, its seems to be just the way it is.

The last guy I dated openly admitted that he stares at hot 20 somethings at the beach and on nights out - no shame at all. He doesn't get that the majority of the 20something women I know (and the 30 somethings and even a few of the 40 somethings) see men in their 50s as 'old men' and think it's a bit gross.

They'd rather be single than have an equal relationship because being single provides them with the hope that a 20something woman is just around the corner and saves them the embarrassment of being seen in public with a 40something woman. Even if that 40something woman has been hit on by all of his friends!

Their thinking is all fucked up.

I think I'm actually at the point now of accepting I'll be single forever.

@GalaKC

Sorry I have only read the first few posts as it's midnight but didn't want to read and run so apologies if what I am going to say has been said by anyone else before me. OP you mention the men texting you.. I would try to make sure they don't get access to your number. I know you can't help it if they take it from their wives' phones etc but never give it out yourself, make contact through the female only. Try to make more plans only with the wife, ( post lockdown etc etc) like shopping trips, coffee, girly things that the men would not be likely to join. If you are invited to a dinner party, is there any genuine male friend or a relative you can take as your Plus One? To give the impression you are not single? If you meet a new female friend maybe mention to her you would like to keep the friendship to just you two, no husbands. Just say it makes you feel a bit awkward because you are single, I think most women would understand and not mind.

what ???

@wowier

how great it is that we now can buy and wear whatever the fuck we like, as all styles and whatever suits us is just at our fingertips.

off topic but I completely disagree & it's one thing that has annoyed me about the homogenisation of the high street over the last decade. Brands used to have identities, now not so much. Remember cold shouldered tops & trying to buy a top without cut outs? Or trying to find winter coats when it's still cold. The new thing is big collars so good luck if you want a blouse with a normal sized collar in the next few months!

But you don't need to buy from the high street or big brands .

Years gone by, you could only buy what the high street had to offer (or make your own), now you can find and buy anything you like online. I never had a problem finding stuff without cut-outs or whatever. I can always find things that appeal to my own taste online. I don't really get why you're having difficulty or why you think it's a widespread difficulty.

what ???

I know that's what I thought. That's why i ignored it. But she's (?) not the only one saying that sort of thing.

I just find it bizarre that I had loads of male friends when I was younger. Big mixed friendship groups and the men never behaved in this sleazy entitled way. On the very rare occasion one did, the other blokes would come down on them heavily. It just wasnt the done thing at all. There was no problem with chatting or meeting up. They were all capable of being friends.

But we get to 40 and 50+ and suddenly we're expected to be the arbiters of men's behaviour and sending a message to the effect of, "Hi, could we get together before the gig to run through the set list. The timing was out on a couple of songs last practise," is considered some sort of come on! And i should go through his wife!

Is that really how other people conduct their lives?

Mid-life crisis? If it's the age group then maybe it's realising their own mortality and just thinking "I want to have fucked more people" on their bucket list?

Been married a long time and fancy a bit of strange?

I always had trouble with male friends suddenly trying it on, so didn't really think of it being an age group thing.

Can I have £1 for every time skater dress is mentioned ?
I get this a bit OP I do a bit of what is classed as a traditional mans trade. I am happily married. I live in paint spattered work clothes, a tom boy (if that term is still allowed). Enjoy beer, camping & walking etc.
Fancy a new friend OP? My husband is a loyal hound type.

Beer, camping and walking?

You're on!

@mumieone

greybluegreen haha hillarious!! 'Clutched pearls' so funny.

Feminism isn't a word in the dictionary darling it's a movement that took the weight off mens shoulders and allowed them to keep more money in their pockets (now that you work and have your own) and therefore more money to spend on mistresses and taking women out to lunches for little affairs. It killed chivalry and made many women wonder 'where did romance move to'.

Yep that's definitely all feminism has done for us women.

Damn that feminism for giving men more free time and money in their pockets.

It's achieved nothing else for women at all.

(Oh and if men wanted to cheat, minimal money & free time or not, they cheated. That was the case in medieval times, the case in Victorian London, and the case now).

Nor did feminism "kill" chivalry - chivalry, which is not the same as good manners & decency, which anyone can and should have ..... Was fundamentally based upon women's dependence, vulnerability, and perceived "inferiority".

Decent men still have good manners, as does anyone.

That's modern chivalry of course, the original version of chivalry was that you be "nice" to other people of the same social class as you, but you're free to treat the rest of society as shit under your feet.

*I had hoped I'd just been unlucky but, as the months and the years go by, its seems to be just the way it is.

The last guy I dated openly admitted that he stares at hot 20 somethings at the beach and on nights out - no shame at all. He doesn't get that the majority of the 20something women I know (and the 30 somethings and even a few of the 40 somethings) see men in their 50s as 'old men' and think it's a bit gross.

They'd rather be single than have an equal relationship because being single provides them with the hope that a 20something woman is just around the corner and saves them the embarrassment of being seen in public with a 40something woman. Even if that 40something woman has been hit on by all of his friends!*

There are undoubtedly men like this.

And they're more likely to be single so you're more likely to encounter them.

But there are also men who get into relationships with women around their age - an aunt, an older female friend, and my sister's friend have all got together with men like that. My sister's friend had just remarried him in her late 50s and he's s paul.hollywoid looking, pretty well.off guy. They are out there. And you only need one. Keep sifting .

@mumieone

greybluegreen haha hillarious!! 'Clutched pearls' so funny.

Feminism isn't a word in the dictionary darling it's a movement that took the weight off mens shoulders and allowed them to keep more money in their pockets (now that you work and have your own) and therefore more money to spend on mistresses and taking women out to lunches for little affairs. It killed chivalry and made many women wonder 'where did romance move to'.

Have you escaped from Stepford Village darling? I suggest you get right back there, the patriarchy are looking for you. Tory, amirite? Probably dream about Boris when you're not making jam (or judging women).

Not that Paul Hollywood is everyone's cup of tea lookswise, but he's got a look many women would find attractive is what I'm saying.

You do sound great,

I'm quite happy to go for a ramble over the moors, have a pint in the local pub and go and see a live band

I enjoy male company, I always have done

I think i am generally perceived as a bit 'free spirited'

Its not your fault at all. These are all nice, normal ways to be.
But you might fit that Cool Girl trope - stupid, unreal stereotype that unfortunately resides in some idiots' minds.

To them, your attractive, quirky persona translates into Gillian Flynn's Cool Girl.
Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex
Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding.
(Gillain Flynn, Gone Girl

Add that to your short and flingy dating past and voila!
Even though you don't want short and flingy relationships, it won't stop men thinking that you do really.

I've never heard of the manic space pixie thing, but I think you are onto something with that.

There nothing 'sexy' about me! LOL. By the end of page 1 of the thread, it was obvious that there is.
Its not anything you can or should change. But you might need to reassess that perception of yourself.

Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex

I would be a massive disappointment then! 🤣

By the end of page 1 of the thread, it was obvious that there is.

I see what you mean... but I was thinking more in the way that is sexy to men - young, slim, big boobs. That kind of thing... the sort of stuff other men can see.

Tbh, I think the last guy I dated really just wanted a 'trophy girlfriend'. We had a conversation about something once where we broadly agreed but disagreed on some of the specifics. We were talking about it, shared our opposing views but it was all good nature. I certainly wasn't irritated by it. We were laughing and, afterwards, he referred to it as an argument.

It wasn't an argument. I just held a different opinion to him

I think he had some very outdated views about women on reflection!

You have my sympathies OP. Clearly everything you’ve tried hasn’t worked so if you want to try something different and don’t mind going along with a bit of woo as an experiment, you might try the jyotish astrology and yagya route.

This is not my tradition and I am not religious—it comes from India but predates Hinduism; it’s part of the Vedic tradition. Basically they work out your birth chart to find out which aspect causes what a previous poster called the concubine curse, then a group of Vedic experts do a ceremony to remove the negative influence.

Sounds bizarre I know but I tried it out to resolve a very sticky situation with ex partner and it worked, or something did because the situation resolved quickly.

A friend who was caught up in a nasty legal dispute also tried it and worked for him.

I am certain that other posters will pile in to diss this as it most certainly does have the woo factor but if you are interested, direct message me and I will put you in touch with the relevant people.

@mumieone

Feminism isn't a word in the dictionary darling it's a movement that took the weight off mens shoulders and allowed them to keep more money in their pockets (now that you work and have your own) and therefore more money to spend on mistresses and taking women out to lunches for little affairs. It killed chivalry and made many women wonder 'where did romance move to'.

You realise that feminism isn't a movement with the dating process at its centre? In fact, centring men as the focus of the feminist movement is the opposite of its intention. What a way to be grateful to the women who dedicated their lives to giving you freedom and choices you wouldn't have otherwise had. Bloody feminists eh? Ruining it all for us by letting us vote, get mortgages and push for equal pay... burn the witches!

Oh and while I think you thought your 'darling' sentence showed your pithy wit it's just nonsensical. It's a word in the dictionary and a movement.

The word feminist can describe both a core belief and someone actively involved in progressing and upholding women's rights to the point of equality.

To be feminist means to believe the sexes are equal. Different, but equal. To disagree with that is to be sexist by definition.

How disappointing when someone who benefits from other people's sacrifice references it so flippantly. I can only hope that's due to ignorance rather than sheer ungratefulness.

You're still welcome to have a Stepford relationship or cherrypick whatever outdated bits of the patriarchy that you want to - the point of feminism is that women can choose individually whether to do so or not.