Fucking men!

[StoryOfMyFuckingLife]

I am 46. I'm about a stone overweight. I'm atractive enough but no one is going to offer me a modelling contract. I'm single. I'm always fucking single or just about to make myself single again.

In the past 5 years, I've dated two men. Both for less than a year and both I dumped for crimes against respect and decency.

In the past 5 years alone, I've lost a friendship group because one of the married men in it made a really obvious play for me, was far too attentive, giddy when I was nearby and i ended up withdrawing from the group because I didn't like it and it was, quite frankly, embarrassing. I didn't fall out with anyone because I did nothing wrong but friendships dwindled once i started avoiding group stuff because of it.

I've lost another close male friend (he was married and I was close to his wife too) because, after making a pass at me when she was out of the room on one occasion and me rejecting him, he later contacted me to tell me he was in love with me which means I've lost her too.

I could have lost another friend because her husband 'developed feelings' for me - he actually told her he'd fallen in love with me . Fortunately, she is the most amazing woman ever and told me at the time that he was an idiot but she couldn't bear to lose me as a friend. We worked really hard on saving our friendship. They worked things out and it's now like that blip never happened (fortunately).

I've moved on, i've made new friends... every time it happens, i move on and make new friends. And it just happens again.

I dated someone for a few months last year (the second of the two men). I met him through friends. So we have mutual friends/acquaintances in common. Three couples mainly although the wife of one doesn't socialise much with us and has her own friends.

Of the three men... two of the three have made it known for a while that, if I were interested, they would be too. They've both declared love

The third? Well I don't know him well. He's socially awkward, quiet and a bit irascible. And then, tonight, he messaged me to say he was sorry to hear that the his friend and I had split up (4 months ago!) He's never seemed particularly interested in getting to know me or talking to me so i was surprised at his sudden friendliness...

You know where this is going...

Just pisses me off and makes me feel really sad. I know that none of these men are actually interested in me. Of these four men, one I was seeing but he never thought I was good enough for him because I'm not 28 and hot. And the other three are in relationships telling me how attractive I am and how much they fancy me.

Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.

It's just fucking shit.

What is fucking wrong with them??

Just want say you sound lovely, OP! I am a little bit younger but I have a friend like this who everyone just falls in love with. She's wonderful. I hope you find the love you're after, someone you choose. Some people are just magnetic and there's not a lot you can do about that. 😄 You sound really careful and respectful of your friends' feelings!

I think it's a problem with the way men are socialised - they tend to only be "allowed" to be emotional with female sexual partners, so when they have a friendship with a woman they often automatically try to push it into the sexual given a perceived opportunity, as it's the only way they know how they relate to women

I definitely think there is some truth to this & it's why it's easier if there is already a boundary eg you're married & introduced through spouses or it's your brothers friend.

I used to be a lot more pally with men when I was younger but after virtually every male "friend" tried it on at some point I pulled back quite a bit & I became much more guarded around men.
There are men I've known for yrs that I wouldn't trust to be around if I was intoxicated or vulnerable. It's not right but it's life.

Cannot believe the first reply you had op. Jesus.
Some men are fucking idiots. It's probably more that there aren't many single females in their friendship group as couples tend to hang around with other couples. And that the men are idiots.
Any nice divorcees female or male to be friends with instead? Or just have younger single friends! I'm sure it's not you.

I don't want to have to start all over again, again.

Sorry from the OP I thought that's what you did anyway so it made sense to out him.

@Jsnn

Can't be bothered to read 11 pages.. did OP admit this was made up yet?

DFOD - as if anyone would make up such a tedious and annoying problem.

Some people seem to think that any problem at all caused by someone being attracted to you is not a real problem, or made up. It's misogyny in action.

A lot of married men would love an affair - if you are single, you are fair game. I used to think women in the villages I worked in were nuts to be so paranoid if a single woman moved in - but over time have seen how many 'nice' men will do shit like you describe. Yes, not all men are like that, but a lot of men are dogs.

And yes, past 50 this will all stop.

Yep that's men for you. They will shag anyone if they can get away with it. They don't want only one woman - they just don't. If you have a DH or DP I can guarantee they fantasize about your sister or best friend in bed. There's nothing you can do I'm afraid because they will never change

And yes, past 50 this will all stop.

It might get less, but it doesn't stop - my mum is 70-odd and an old friend's husband apparently phoned her drunkenly and was saying the filthiest things to her.

I used to work with this really good looking guy, a massive player. He was in his early 30s, not married but in a relationship with a child, who he said he got tricked into a relationship with . He tried it on with me, along the lines of, when are we going to hook up, it was never going to happen, didn't fancy him, felt sorry for his partner, and had no interest in being conquest no 1004 on his list. Plenty of colleagues did go there, some of which thought they were in love etc. Lots of drama, tears. He just moved on to the next willing victim. However, I did have some fascinating conversations with him and watched him in action.

We used to have a massive summer works do, when all the offices from all over the UK came to it. It was the highlight of his year. He literally went up to each girl he fancied like a cold caller, propositioning them. Most of whom looked at him in bemusement, in horror, etc. But every now and then he struck lucky and off he went with that event's conquest, not for conversation but sex (in whatever space he could find). He told me his model was keep asking until someone says yes, and somebody always said yes. He was right, they did.

I bet he just carried on doing that for years, and probably kicked himself he was born too early for the tinder generation. There are men who are that cliche, who want the notch on their belt, and there are women that go along with it. Some of the middle aged married bods who out of the blue hit on women have probably come onto women a lot, even though their wives, their mums and friends would say, oh no, he's not like that. I don't even think it was about sex, it was about the validation for him, that he could pull.

Definitely agree with that last post by @wowier

I think it’s easy to want to see life a certain way (and I’m sure we all agree that in an ideal world this SHOULDN’T be an issue)

and then getting frustrated when it doesn’t quite pan out that way.

Yes, there may be some social groups or demographics where it is easier for men and women to engage as peers only in a non-sexualised friendship only way.

Say....creative young circles or junior military officers training together. Or an established mixed house share group from uni.

But if it frequently doesn’t work out well, then surely the best thing is to review and come up with a plan B?

I also think it’s easy to be naive (based on my own social experience first) and think others aren’t noticing you’re the only single person there?

If you visually and socially stand out then others notice even if you feel fine and “one of the group”.

I became a lot happier when I decided that it was better to spend more time solo/working on my own goals

than attempting to engage with new social groups where as a dress wearing/cool/out of town/looked slightly younger than others type I went through very similar dynamics?

Why consistently put myself in a situation I know is uncomfortable for me?

I mean of course loneliness is shit but acting out of FOMO, like I always “needed” to be at a pub on a Friday night or invited on a group holiday or to peoples homes for dinner parties led me to a lot of socially uncomfortable situations.

Not in a relationship with a child, in a relationship and with a young daughter!

Honestly I don't think it's you or what you wear.
It's a mid life crisis thing for them. They see you as an independent woman who doesn't want a man - so in their eyes, perfect for a no-strings bit on the side and unlikely to fall in love with their obviously vast charms and therefore they don't risk you threatening to tell the wife.

Sadly appearances do get taken up wrongly. Because you are DM wearing and not some sort of sloane ranger type, they reckon you'd probably be up for the kind of stuff that they always wanted to try but the wife has said no to. I got that expectation that I was sexually adventurous when I was a a DM wearing goth. I was supposed to be into mad orgies or something And also because you are single, you obviously must be gagging for cock so in their eyes it's almost altruistic of them

It's not a new thing either. Back when I was 16 I babysat for a woman who had left her husband. Circumstances were such that she had zero interest in men but the amount of married men in the village that called to her door to offer "friendship" was obscene.

I've had four dickheads crawl out of the woodwork on social media - In the last year! I'm 46 and it's bloody obvious I'm coupled up but yet there's overly friendly messages I ignore. I wear baggy jeans, converse and hoodies! I'm hardly some sort of siren! But they are bored and are scraping through their distant past for potential trysts because obviously like the dickheads you've encountered, all their wives' friends told them to get to fuck, and nobody on Tinder is swiping for them either.

Skater dresses are “mutton”? Thanks for letting me know. Best switch to a twin set and pearls.

God some of the replies on here are awful. Women trying to paint you as a demon for wearing skater dresses 🙄 Ignore them OP, they're trying to convince themselves that it's your fault because then they don't have to worry about what their nice, loyal husbands are up to behind their backs.

I think your trusted friend has hit the nail on the head. You sound really cool. The fact that you dress how you like, play in bands and go to gigs and aren't tied down by family life will look very attractive to men who are bored with the monotony of monogamy and child rearing etc. You will remind them of their youth because you still do things they probably loved doing when they were young, free and single. And all these things are probably what makes it difficult for you to find a lasting relationship because men will be very aware that you don't need them and they're such insecure creatures they probably can't stand that.

Don't change anything about yourself, you sound great. Most men are pigs, it's a sad fact of life. Any adult woman who is single/ been single will tell you that. A few years ago I ended a long term relationship and 3 of my ex's good friends messaged me on fb asking to go for a drink even though I'd met each of them only a handful of times and had no interest in them.

Hang on in there and hopefully soon you'll meet and fall in love with another free spirit and they won't mind that you're an independent person.

Soooo, like, a dress like this is inappropriately sexy, mutton, alternative and nobody wears them (in some areas). www.marksandspencer.com/jersey-round-neck-knee-length-skater-dress/p/clp60475464

Good to know.

If everyone was buying it that dress wouldn't be reduced.

‘I don't message many of the men anyway and never often but I make sure I never do now with the exception of one where I don't really know his partner other than to say hello to. However, I still feel this is unnecessary. I should be able to message my friends without them hitting on me whether their wife is policing our communications or not.’

You are right, of course but the fact is that some men won’t view it that way. It IS wrong but it’s a fact.

Couldn't you just keep all messages in the group chat? In a social friend group, I wouldn’t ever message someone else’s husband individually. Personally, I’m always reluctant even to dm with male ex college friends who are now married. The conversations tend to be very intermittent and brief and would immediately cease if any hint of them steering the conversation into sleaze were to appear (which clearly you do too).

It’s not something we like and it’s not right, it just unfortunately is and we can only control our end of it.

If it was something like a sport/activity group (where a husband is the coach or something ) that would be different but the information provided suggests these are social friends.

Gosh I wouldn’t want to be seen in that sensible dress - it’s as far away from Mutton as is possible! Infact it is sensible. Suppose I had better get my beige elasticated trousers out next time I get invited to a party where husbands might be lurking.

@Coffeeandcocopops

Gosh I wouldn’t want to be seen in that sensible dress - it’s as far away from Mutton as is possible! Infact it is sensible. Suppose I had better get my beige elasticated trousers out next time I get invited to a party where husbands might be lurking.

Yes, you betcha, cos it's positively what you're wearing that makes the men lose any moral fibre they ever had.

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife
Not RTFT. I get it. You are a 'breath off fresh air' to these men.

Attached men tend to go for the 'damsel in distress' or 'the breath of fresh air'.

I've been in your position, although far fewer men hit on me.
It's not a pleasant experience.

Not sure how you get round it. Hitting 50 won't make it go away.

The men hitting on you are unhappy married and because you are single they assume that you will be flattered and maybe interested. What horrible blokes.
What did your friend say about her husband when he hit on you? She obviously forgave him since they are still together..
Perhaps you being nearby and single they overinflate how attractive they are and assume incorrectly you are single so desperate...
You are unlucky but surely luck will change soon and a nice individual will come along? Good luck

@WannabemoreWeaver

And yes, past 50 this will all stop.

Not true.

And another vote for 'past 50 this will all stop' being complete bollocks.

I'm not even single. But, I wear skater dresses... with boots. Oh well.