Fucking men!

[StoryOfMyFuckingLife]

I am 46. I'm about a stone overweight. I'm atractive enough but no one is going to offer me a modelling contract. I'm single. I'm always fucking single or just about to make myself single again.

In the past 5 years, I've dated two men. Both for less than a year and both I dumped for crimes against respect and decency.

In the past 5 years alone, I've lost a friendship group because one of the married men in it made a really obvious play for me, was far too attentive, giddy when I was nearby and i ended up withdrawing from the group because I didn't like it and it was, quite frankly, embarrassing. I didn't fall out with anyone because I did nothing wrong but friendships dwindled once i started avoiding group stuff because of it.

I've lost another close male friend (he was married and I was close to his wife too) because, after making a pass at me when she was out of the room on one occasion and me rejecting him, he later contacted me to tell me he was in love with me which means I've lost her too.

I could have lost another friend because her husband 'developed feelings' for me - he actually told her he'd fallen in love with me . Fortunately, she is the most amazing woman ever and told me at the time that he was an idiot but she couldn't bear to lose me as a friend. We worked really hard on saving our friendship. They worked things out and it's now like that blip never happened (fortunately).

I've moved on, i've made new friends... every time it happens, i move on and make new friends. And it just happens again.

I dated someone for a few months last year (the second of the two men). I met him through friends. So we have mutual friends/acquaintances in common. Three couples mainly although the wife of one doesn't socialise much with us and has her own friends.

Of the three men... two of the three have made it known for a while that, if I were interested, they would be too. They've both declared love

The third? Well I don't know him well. He's socially awkward, quiet and a bit irascible. And then, tonight, he messaged me to say he was sorry to hear that the his friend and I had split up (4 months ago!) He's never seemed particularly interested in getting to know me or talking to me so i was surprised at his sudden friendliness...

You know where this is going...

Just pisses me off and makes me feel really sad. I know that none of these men are actually interested in me. Of these four men, one I was seeing but he never thought I was good enough for him because I'm not 28 and hot. And the other three are in relationships telling me how attractive I am and how much they fancy me.

Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.

It's just fucking shit.

What is fucking wrong with them??

posters were arguing about whether skater dresses & DM boots was alternative on not or appropriate for certain age groups. I just made the point they were not really thing anymore, as like many trends at one point everyone including myself was wearing them.

Gammyleg - Nothing wierd about Skater dresses .. I don't get it.

They're "mutton", alternative and no one in London has worn them since 2010

🤣

Where I am the youth live in crop tops, baggy jeans, joggers & jumpers & big boots. The "mums" are similar but minus crop tops & everyone wears a puffer

God, that sounds like Hell! 🤣

I've not worn joggers since I did PE at school. Baggy jeans and puffers...? And you're calling us out for wearing skater dresses!! That's all the "no"s right there!

Try to make more plans only with the wife, ( post lockdown etc etc) like shopping trips, coffee, girly things that the men would not be likely to join

What are girly things?

I've never done a shopping trip with a friend. Shopping isn't a pleasurable activity, it's a necessary evil. Coffee is pleasant. I'm curious as to what these activities are that I should be engaging in because I have boobs and a vagina. I tend to do things I am actually interested in.

I don't think they are weird though.

And you're calling us out for wearing skater dresses!! That's all the "no"s right there!

I hardly would say I called you out! that's the current fashion, I work in buying & my job is to react to what sells.

It would be far easier and far less hassle all around if these men just stopped doing it.
Yes it would, but you can’t control their behaviour, only your own.

It sounds like you have a lot of friends or a high turnover of friends as you keep meeting new people. Could you spend your energy on improving the friendships you have? E.g. You stopped going out with the two single friends you had when they invited other people who changed the focus. Why didn’t you tell them that didn’t work for you, or invite them to go rambling with you?

It would be far easier and far less hassle all around if these men just stopped doing it.

They won't though...

Well, for the record, I couldn't tell you and, more than that, I dont care what's in fashion. Literally, it's something I never even think about. Ever.

And I do wear things other than skater dresses

Why didn’t you tell them that didn’t work for you, or invite them to go rambling with you?

They didnt want to go rambling. And I had other people for rambling. I did tell them it didnt work for me and they both claimed to not.like it eitehr but continued with it and just complained. They wouldn't commit to returning to the smaller group. I wasn't interested in the drama.

greybluegreen haha hillarious!! 'Clutched pearls' so funny.

Feminism isn't a word in the dictionary darling it's a movement that took the weight off mens shoulders and allowed them to keep more money in their pockets (now that you work and have your own) and therefore more money to spend on mistresses and taking women out to lunches for little affairs. It killed chivalry and made many women wonder 'where did romance move to'.

Could you spend your energy on improving the friendships you have?

Tbh, I've already explained this.

You appear to be being deliberately obtuse.

well good luck for the future OP but I don't think things will change that much unfortunately.

well good luck for the future OP but I don't think things will change that much unfortunately

Thanks. No, me neither. I hope we're both wrong.

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife

Could you spend your energy on improving the friendships you have?

Tbh, I've already explained this.

You appear to be being deliberately obtuse.

I’m not seeing evidence of that in your posts.
You sound quite dismissive of women.

You sound quite obtuse yourself - I think you are missing social cues by befriending all these men and messaging them. Even if that was in the past you don’t seem to acknowledge that is the the behaviour of someone who looks like they are pursuing the men.

Hi op, not read the whole thread but get the ghist. You are in a band?

You play bass guitar, do you play gigs frequently, I could imagine meeting new people and aquiring new friendships occur more regularly in your musical hobby, or are you profesional?

I can totally understand then how you could become friends with married couples in this scenario.
The men I presume therefore come to idolise you. Is it a band with a predominantly male audience?

I should imagine this is where the 'problem' lies.

Psssst....OP.....

I know this is completely beside the actual point, but next time, call them "casual fit and flare dresses". I can't say it won't still be all your fault anyway, but the sexist clothes police might find less to complain about. Might.

Onthedunes

No, not professional. And, tbh, not the audience. It is predominantly male but I've never been approached by anyone in the crowd other than to comment on my playing. Tbh, I don't tend to mix either. I can be quite aloof and unapproachable around men I don't know.

Precisely to avoid any unpleasant situations.

I meet a lot of people directly and indirectly through that and other things I do. But I'd say that out of say 20 people/couples I meet, I get to know 4 or 5 better and become friends with 1 or 2. I dont have loads of friends by any means.

I think if you're a single, not unattractive, person with cool hobbies who seems like they've got their shit together and doesn't "need" a man, this will always happen. Sucks, but that's the way it is, not sure all these ideas about ways around it will help.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom

🤣 ok!

mike3

Maybe. It's a bit sad though.

And would be less annoying if single men were interested. Tbh it realy puts me off getting into a relationship because of the thought that they'll just be messaging another (probably much younger) woman themselves and I'd never know.

I'd never assume a man was beyond doing it now. It happens too often.

The man who messaged on Monday night tried doing it again last night.

I didn't even open to read it and blocked him.

I had hoped Monday might be a one off. It is sometimes but clearly not.

So that's another awkward situation when lockdown ends and we can all meet up again.

I have a little experience of music performance and while I always thought women who play things like bass and guitar would be very appealing to men, they actually didn't seem to like it much...I sort of got the sense that they felt those instruments were "their" thing. No idea why, but it's how it seemed to me. Pianos and singing seemed a bit more attractive to them. I've no idea why.

Sorry, I know that's irrelevant. Just made me think.

I think you represent freedom to them. Scumbags. I'm sorry they wreck your friendships. And no, it's not your fault for wearing a dress and making eye contact. FFS

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife

The man who messaged on Monday night tried doing it again last night.

I didn't even open to read it and blocked him.

I had hoped Monday might be a one off. It is sometimes but clearly not.

So that's another awkward situation when lockdown ends and we can all meet up again.

What would happen if you didn't reply to him, but met up in the group etc as normal when it comes about and acted like nothing happened? I'm not saying you should if you don't want to, I'm just wondering if you'd get any grief.

My mum was saying the other day about how it used to be that the fashion houses and shops used to decide what everyone wore, what hemline was in etc, maxi and mini and all that, and how great it is that we now can buy and wear whatever the fuck we like, as all styles and whatever suits us is just at our fingertips.