Fucking men!

[StoryOfMyFuckingLife]

I am 46. I'm about a stone overweight. I'm atractive enough but no one is going to offer me a modelling contract. I'm single. I'm always fucking single or just about to make myself single again.

In the past 5 years, I've dated two men. Both for less than a year and both I dumped for crimes against respect and decency.

In the past 5 years alone, I've lost a friendship group because one of the married men in it made a really obvious play for me, was far too attentive, giddy when I was nearby and i ended up withdrawing from the group because I didn't like it and it was, quite frankly, embarrassing. I didn't fall out with anyone because I did nothing wrong but friendships dwindled once i started avoiding group stuff because of it.

I've lost another close male friend (he was married and I was close to his wife too) because, after making a pass at me when she was out of the room on one occasion and me rejecting him, he later contacted me to tell me he was in love with me which means I've lost her too.

I could have lost another friend because her husband 'developed feelings' for me - he actually told her he'd fallen in love with me . Fortunately, she is the most amazing woman ever and told me at the time that he was an idiot but she couldn't bear to lose me as a friend. We worked really hard on saving our friendship. They worked things out and it's now like that blip never happened (fortunately).

I've moved on, i've made new friends... every time it happens, i move on and make new friends. And it just happens again.

I dated someone for a few months last year (the second of the two men). I met him through friends. So we have mutual friends/acquaintances in common. Three couples mainly although the wife of one doesn't socialise much with us and has her own friends.

Of the three men... two of the three have made it known for a while that, if I were interested, they would be too. They've both declared love

The third? Well I don't know him well. He's socially awkward, quiet and a bit irascible. And then, tonight, he messaged me to say he was sorry to hear that the his friend and I had split up (4 months ago!) He's never seemed particularly interested in getting to know me or talking to me so i was surprised at his sudden friendliness...

You know where this is going...

Just pisses me off and makes me feel really sad. I know that none of these men are actually interested in me. Of these four men, one I was seeing but he never thought I was good enough for him because I'm not 28 and hot. And the other three are in relationships telling me how attractive I am and how much they fancy me.

Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.

It's just fucking shit.

What is fucking wrong with them??

@wowier

If you've been married/in a LTR for most of your adult life, you will not be aware of how many sleazy married/partnered men there are. They aren't rare unfortunately.

I'm fully aware who the slime balls are in my circle & who would take me up if I propositioned them. However they are also generally aware of which women will out them.

Take the guy who the OP meant twice & hardly spoke too. It's risky behaviour to commit his interest to text, & I would say unusual. Most prefer to leave little evidence & try it on in person.
Did you think about showing the messages to his wife?

I hate to burst your bubble but they're not always the sleazy ones. They're ones I would never have expected. But yes I agree that they know who is going to tell their wife

And a lot of them seem happily married. They're just bored.

A lot of men don't like or value women as people in their own right. Those are the guys that do this kind of thing.

[quote OhCaptain]@gaijinetal it doesn’t even surprise me that you feel able to answer for the whole town!

Bet you’re all related, too![/quote]
I don't "feel able to answer for my whole town"; I relayed what I have observed the majority of women wearing in this region.

And it's not DM boots if they're over 25 ish.

You bet we're all related too ... .

As a 50 something single man, reading this thread has been a pretty sobering experience.
I’ve never been hit on by a female, so cannot even pretend to understand.
But it not fun on this side of the gender divide either , the last 2 women I have dated turned to be pretty unpleasant, so that be single life me

I hate to burst your bubble but they're not always the sleazy ones. They're ones I would never have expected.

I said I know who the slime balls are.
Nothing to do with being sleazy, the obvious ones are generally harmless & their wives tend to already have their number so keep them on a short leash.
It's the respectable ones with the nice jobs & the entitlement that comes with all of that which are the ones to watch out imo. And like I said ime they tend to be a lot more discreet then the OPs examples.

I've not read all the responses but indeed sounds like you've been very unlucky. I've got quite a lot of friends but none of my friends' men would dare to hit on me and I don't think they are these kind of guys anyway. Also we meet for a lot of girly evenings only as it's often just more fun. I really find it more boring when we meet with partners. Maybe that's something to consider for now if that's how it goes, initiating girly meet-ups etc. Most of my friends have partners but we still like to meet without them.
It seems to me that somehow these men think you'd be an easy target and that they would get away with this. I don't think you need to withdraw when somethings like this happen as this is not your fault. I'd say to their partner though that something that that man said made you uncomfortable And you would prefer to meet without them. And I would have expect my friends to tell me as well if my partner hit on them. these are the kind of friendships I have and expectations I have from friends.
If a single male friend hit on me and I wasn't interested I would ask what gave him the impression that I'd be interested and just say how I feel. And set firm boundaries.
If it happens a lot than you need to branch out from certain types of people and ask yourself what attracts these men to you. Are you assertive and confident and have firm boundaries with people?

I said right at the start that there arent many single women my age. Or rather, I dont want to be friends with the ones who are. I'm not interested in flirting with men and seeking adoration from men. I'm not on Tinder etc. I don't care about appealing to men or the inevitable competition that raises on a night out when they think a man they like is looking at you.

I find this point quite interesting. It makes it sound like you are dismissive of other women and think you are better than they are. Not all single women are like this. But you’ve preferred to keep making friends with multiple different married couples and with married men that then proposition you, rather than try to find single women you might click with.

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife

Tbh, all the single women I know are the ones who are getting dressed up for nights out with the girls and hitting on men regardless of their relationship status. Or they're on Tinder and conversations revolve around that.

I just have no interest in that.

I'm quite happy to go for a ramble over the moors, have a pint in the local pub and go and see a live band.

I have hobbies and interests - I do a few musical activities, yoga, dancing. I don't have time for anything else.

It's good to hear that I'm the problem though.

I know lots of single women who enjoy walking, drinking pints and seeing live bands.

I also have friends, single and married, with caring responsibilities for elderly parents or children, who enjoy meeting up with other women without husbands being there.

You seem to have no problem finding new friends, so why don’t you look a bit harder for some single friends that have mutual interests or women that enjoy meeting up with other women?

It sounds like you either consciously or unconsciously don’t actually enjoy the company of women, so perhaps ask yourself why might think that.

I am still stuck on what the issue with skater dresses is?

@DoItAfraid

I am still stuck on what the issue with skater dresses is?

Apparently the OP is over 40 and wears a skater dress.

Some people are very judgemental over what others wear, as they have nothing better to do. Feminism is just a word in the dictionary.

You’ve had bad luck, I’m nearly 59, been on my own 20 years, averaging a few dates a year.
Why I’m still single no idea, at best 4 dates one guy, too needy, told I’m attractive, depressing when most folk re marry or meet another after 4 to 5 years

@Lifeinaonesie

Perhaps when you first meet the men just casually drop into the conversation that you have a very bad vagina problem that makes it smell like an old binbag and perhaps you'll change how they think of you.

‘An old bin bag’ Just cracked me up completely

@DoItAfraid

I am still stuck on what the issue with skater dresses is?

They're "mutton", alternative and no one in London has worn them since 2010.

@3rdnamechange - She does dress how she wants. What you wear speaks alot about you. Also you have to respect the company you are with and recognise at an adult that there is a time and a place for everything.

A time to be slutty and a time to dress different for church. Why would you want to go into a room of married couples as a single person with everything hanging out? Do you want to piss of the other women? Do you want attention from men that are no available but your want to push them to a level of discomfort (because they probably know they can't have you). Is it a power thing or just insecurity? My friend it's definately not a power thing but she is literally 'desperate' to get married.
Sadly most guys don't look at people who dress like that and have the first thought running through their mind being 'wedding ring'

@nsky don't worry men love that line 'you are too needy'. Too intense. It's used so often.

Basically it's code for 'only here for a bit of fun' nothing more so lets go with the flow. Their flow which of course is flowing into a dead end.

They're "mutton", alternative and no one in London has worn them since 2010.

I actually said my part of London not the whole of London. Plus I wasn't making a comment about whether they were wrong or right.
Where I am the youth live in crop tops, baggy jeans, joggers & jumpers & big boots. The "mums" are similar but minus crop tops & everyone wears a puffer.

Clearly a lot of skater fans on this thread! 🤣🤣

Sorry I have only read the first few posts as it's midnight but didn't want to read and run so apologies if what I am going to say has been said by anyone else before me.
OP you mention the men texting you.. I would try to make sure they don't get access to your number. I know you can't help it if they take it from their wives' phones etc but never give it out yourself, make contact through the female only. Try to make more plans only with the wife, ( post lockdown etc etc) like shopping trips, coffee, girly things that the men would not be likely to join. If you are invited to a dinner party, is there any genuine male friend or a relative you can take as your Plus One? To give the impression you are not single? If you meet a new female friend maybe mention to her you would like to keep the friendship to just you two, no husbands. Just say it makes you feel a bit awkward because you are single, I think most women would understand and not mind.

@wowier what about other parts of London? Do you ever venture out to places where the skater is sighted? Also, where IS your part of London? It sounds very conservative.

I'm not going to continue explaining and justifying myself.

Firstly, I'm just repeating myself to people who havent bothered to read the thread and, secondly, there are people who, in true MN style, are deliberately misinterpreting minutiae.

Obviously, this is an internet forum. I am unable and unwilling to give absolute detail for every experience I've had over the past 5 years. It would be boring for you to read, time consuming and definitely outing. Human nature is such that you will fill in the blanks based on your own prejudices and experiences and you will all have a different imagined version of what I describe based upon those too. I can't show you photos or video footage, nor bring other people on as witnesses.

Thank you to those of you who get it. Its shit it happens to you too but reassuring to know its not just me! And I've considered some of the possible explanations and that's helped. It's just so frustrating.

IsIgnoranceBliss

I am going to address some of what you say, however.

Yes, of course there are single women who enjoy those things. I have been friends with some. But single isnt a permanent state for most people and, over the years, those women have met someone or i withdrew from the group because of the married man.

I also have friends, single and married, with caring responsibilities for elderly parents or children, who enjoy meeting up with other women without husbands being there.

I'm really pleased for you but your experience is yours and not mine. I have tried to arrange things that have been cancelled at the last minute because of caring responsibilities or they wont even make the plans in the first place.

It's not like I dont try.

And I did start going out with a couple of single women. It was very nice to begin with until they invited another couple of women to join us and the whole tone of the evening changed. The initial focus had been meeting up for food, a drink and a chat and became all about getting men, chatting men up, hanging around after gigs to try and cop off with the band. Honestly it was boring and embarrassing. So I stopped going.

I don't know any single women now. Not one. i have found that, in groups of single women a lot of the focus has been around talking about dating, dating experiences and meeting men. Amd I'm not interested in that.

Besides, I like the women I do know. I.make my friends based on shared interests and compatability. Not on their relationship status. I would love to have a couple of single female friends who were similar to me but I haven't met any.

It would be far easier and far less hassle all around if these men just stopped doing it.

"If you are invited to a dinner party, is there any genuine male friend or a relative you can take as your Plus One? To give the impression you are not single?"

Jeez. Really?!

@GammyLeg SE wouldn't call it conservative at all. I think a skater dress is pretty conservative.
Alas I do not venture out much due to you know Covid.

@GammyLeg where do you live that skaters are the height of fashion & edgy?

@wowier I'm in New Zealand. I didn't begin to imply that skaters are "fashion and edgy" but anything goes here and no one cares what you wear.

Where in London are you?

SE London

Oh I just saw - SE London. I used to live in Streatham, I definitely saw skater dresses in my time!