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Original poster

Prenups, marriage, what would you do?

122 replies

Crossroadsx · 07/02/2021 10:51

Morning all

Me and DH would like get married at some point, we have been together 8 years now and we’re ready to start a family. We get along great etc no problems there and we are both in our early thirties.

The only issue money..

He is a teacher on a good salary around £35,000 and will build up a great pension pot. He has no assets though.

After everything is cleared I have around £2m in assets (property, investments etc) and earn around £100,000 from my business.

I really want to protect my business and the assets I have before marriage, this might seem selfish but if I wanted to I could never have to work again, I’m financially free and I don’t want to risk that. I could happily stay at home to look after the children.

I feel I’m in an odd position of having enough that losing half would cause great pain, but not enough that I’d still be able to live comfortably after.

DH has a good job so if did end in divorce he will still be fine financially but the difference between us is big.

I don’t know if the courts would decide, would by business be up for grabs? He couldn’t run it. It is no use to him really. Would they ring fence my assets before the marriage? Seems sometimes they do sometimes they don’t.

Will a prenup stand? How do I approach DH about it? Argh.

Gosh I’ve got a headache.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crossroadsx · 07/02/2021 19:21

Thanks all for your posts I really appreciate it.

I will get legal advice before doing anything but I really like hearing from people and all the different inputs people have.

DH has been hinting about marriage and I do like the idea of being a happily married couple with children but the downsides seem too great for me.

I haven’t spoken to him about finances or agreeing a pre nup but I can’t imagine he will take it well. I have looked into trusts and something I would need to look into more but I’m thinking why create an issue when there isn’t currently an issue. IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crossroadsx · 07/02/2021 19:22

Argh DH = DP. It’s been a long day!

OP posts:
Original poster
Crossroadsx · 07/02/2021 19:23

Thanks for the links I’ll have a read.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 07/02/2021 19:25

Don't get married. I read pre nups were not enforceable in the UK.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/02/2021 19:27

I’m thinking why create an issue when there isn’t currently an issue. IYSWIM

Yes I get what you mean, but if he's "hinting about marriage" it may soon be an issue - unless you're prepared to leave it to trust, which may not be wise

Can I ask why you feel he wouldn't take it well? After all isn't it reasonable for anyone in your position to protect themselves?

Original poster
Crossroadsx · 07/02/2021 19:30

Dontbeme. He doesn’t pay any household bills other than for food. He wastes a lot of money buying pointless crap imo.

Also I think he finds it hard and try’s to keep up with me, I tell him he shouldn’t but maybe he feels the pressure. I’ve told him he should start saving and build his own nest egg.

OP posts:
JustAnotherOldMan · 07/02/2021 19:35

If he earns 35k and is living in your £1m house, he knows there is plenty of money.
If you are talking or hinting about marriage and you start backing away from this to protect your money, ( which sounds like a good idea) how would he take this, not sure how I would

category12 · 07/02/2021 19:39

He doesn’t pay any household bills other than for food. He wastes a lot of money buying pointless crap imo.

Yeah, don't marry.

Be a happily unmarried couple with children.

Original poster
Crossroadsx · 07/02/2021 19:44

Puzzledandpissedoff I might be wrong but I expect he’ll say I don’t trust him or believe in the relationship. I could be very wrong though but if pre nups aren’t reliable then it’s probably pointless anyway.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 07/02/2021 19:45

If I earnt 100k from my business, I sure as hell wouldn't be on Mumsnet for this - I'd be asking a lawyer for decent advice!

I’m happy for anything earned in the marriage to be split

Really?? You are very generous, considering that it's you who runs your business. You might feel differently if he was a real arse to you or had an affair.

EarthSight · 07/02/2021 19:50

Also, if he's silly with money, that is trouble brewing right there. Someone who doesn't spend money wisely is someone who has issues inhibiting themselves and their desires (usually). They show poor inability or unwillingness to live life as a grown up and face their circumstances. Be careful you are not marrying a manchild. It will cause all sorts of arguments.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/02/2021 19:52

He doesn’t pay any household bills other than for food

On £35,000??? Hmm Why on earth not - unless he's thinking "she can afford it"?

Are you really quite sure this is the relationship for you OP?

wibblewombat · 07/02/2021 20:14

If he has no bills, then of course he'll waste money. If he's not a saver, then he won't plus currently there's no reason to be frugal.

Original poster
Crossroadsx · 07/02/2021 20:17

Puzzledandpissedoff. I don’t mind him not paying the bills because I don’t need the money and I’d still have to pay them if he wasn’t here.

He is a great guy, I’m probably giving him too much of a hard time and we are both very happy together. We wouldn’t be together if that wasn’t the case.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crossroadsx · 07/02/2021 20:23

wibblewombat You are right he has no real reason to save as pretty much all his salary is disposable income and if nothing changes like it’s planned then he will be fine.

I have a different outlook and would rather squirrel some away for a rainy day.

OP posts:
Hawkins001 · 07/02/2021 20:24

Do you have any off shore accounts that would protect any assets ect ? I'd say consult various experts

Aprilcherry04 · 07/02/2021 20:25

My solicitor says that pre-nups haven't been tested enough under UK law to say whether they work or not. But for example if my husband and I divorced and I tried to claim half of my husband's assets, the judge would take the pre-nup into consideration when negotiating the finances.

Original poster
Crossroadsx · 07/02/2021 20:27

Nope I have nothing offshore. Think you’re suppose to declare all assets in a divorce.

OP posts:
BeautifulStar · 07/02/2021 20:27

I think you have to accept that if you marry and have children and the marriage breaks down he may well be entitled to up to half of your assets.

If you don’t want this to happen you shouldn’t marry him unfortunately.
My dh tried to get me to sign a pre-nup before we got married (he too has large assets) it was different though in that we already had dc’s together at that point. I basically told him to go fuck himself and call the wedding off if that’s what his terms were. He came to his senses and we went ahead without the prenup (it’s my understanding it wouldn’t have been worth the paper it was written on anyway).

Il never forget it though and I do silently seethe about it sometimes. It made me feel he doesn’t trust me and valued his money over us having a secure family unit for our children. Life is short - what is more important? Being married to the man you love and potentially losing some of your money (but hopefully not) or staying unmarried, keeping all your money and potentially losing him if marriage is important to him (as it was to me). It’s your choice but you can’t have everything your way.

BeautifulStar · 07/02/2021 20:28

** I realise my situation is different to yours OP but I’m just trying to offer insight from “the other side”.

Fressia123 · 07/02/2021 20:29

@Crossroadsx yes you are supposed to declare them all, but that doesn't mean much (at least in my case). In my divorce I declared them.but because my exH was able.to house himself he didn't get anything. In fact I got a slice of his pension even though I have substantially more assets.

workshy44 · 07/02/2021 20:35

Money changes EVERYONE. I have yet to meet anyone who has been unaffected by the prospect of a windfall. Myself and my now DH have assets far exceeding yours. I was responsible for at least 50% of the wealth probably more like 70% yet somehow I ended up in a situation where everything was in his name and we were unmarried after 20 years and three kids. I do live in a country with co habitation laws but I wouldn't of got anywhere near my dues
I insisted we married, HE wanted a pre nup and became exceedingly greedy. I wouldn't even mind but he spends nothing but he really believed what was "his" was "his" even though I made most of it.
He would be the stereotypical good guy, nicest guy in the world kind of thing. People were stunned when I told them
In the end I was told that "fuck off" prenups are not taken into account, basically they have to be "fair" so while you can have one but unless he is getting a third - 40% it won't hold up in court
I would not marry in your situation.

CorianderBee · 07/02/2021 20:37

What's the point in getting married then? Just change your name or whatever. A marriage is a union of lives and assets. If you don't want to risk it I don't see the point in the legality of marriage.

Unless it's because you don't want him to know you don't want him having a share of your assets.