Prenups, marriage, what would you do?

[Crossroadsx]

Morning all

Me and DH would like get married at some point, we have been together 8 years now and we’re ready to start a family. We get along great etc no problems there and we are both in our early thirties.

The only issue money..

He is a teacher on a good salary around £35,000 and will build up a great pension pot. He has no assets though.

After everything is cleared I have around £2m in assets (property, investments etc) and earn around £100,000 from my business.

I really want to protect my business and the assets I have before marriage, this might seem selfish but if I wanted to I could never have to work again, I’m financially free and I don’t want to risk that. I could happily stay at home to look after the children.

I feel I’m in an odd position of having enough that losing half would cause great pain, but not enough that I’d still be able to live comfortably after.

DH has a good job so if did end in divorce he will still be fine financially but the difference between us is big.

I don’t know if the courts would decide, would by business be up for grabs? He couldn’t run it. It is no use to him really. Would they ring fence my assets before the marriage? Seems sometimes they do sometimes they don’t.

Will a prenup stand? How do I approach DH about it? Argh.

Gosh I’ve got a headache.

What if he actually wants to be married after 8 years, and you refuse to protect your money, what message does that send.
However unlikely as it may seem, You may find yourself alone in your £1m house

As others say, you need to take some proper legal advice, and weight up which is more important to you, your current money, or potential future life, with family, children etc.
Good luck,

@mangoandraspberries Op says in her opening post that she is in the happy position of being able to stay home with children if they had them.

If she wasn't, and the guy was becoming a sahp, then yes, she should do something to protect his interests and future. But it's not coming up as an issue because she already covered that she's assuming she'll be the one at home with the kids.

@mangoandraspberries

Am intrigued by the number of posters telling her not to marry. Would you tell a man the same if he had assets but didn’t want to marry his wife?

Or is the difference that we are assuming the woman would take time off to raise children? This may not be case for the OP, especially given she earns significantly more than him and teaching is a job you can easily take a few years out from....

I am advising not to get married because the OP does not want to fully commit to what marriage entails which as things stand includes sharing assets as pre nups are not legally binding. I do not believe anyone should enter into marriage unless they fully embrace all it entails.

I do think that the OP needs to be honest with her DP so that he can decide whether he is happy to accept that or move onto someone else.

They don't yet have children so now is the time to have the conversation and for OP and her DP to decide what they really want for their future.

Anyone who has some money should think twice before marrying someone who's bad with money.

Just be honest and see what he says. I wouldn't want to marry someone who wanted me to sign a pre nup; I'm pretty sure my reaction to the suggestion would mean they wouldn't want to marry me either! Flat out say "I do not trust you not to take my assets if our relationship ever fails". He might be fine with it. He might think you're more into your money than him. Only one way to find out.

Would you tell a man the same if he had assets but didn’t want to marry his wife?

Absolutely, yes - I'd be slated for it (and have been), but in equivalent financial circumstances I'd say exactly the same

And FWIW I also believe that women who find someone with money, then have kids before marriage in the hope he'll "look after them" are unwise in the extreme

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know OP. He should completely understand and respect your need to protect your own money/immense hard work/sacrifices and, if he doesnt, he isnt worth having and much better to find this out now!

Thanks again, I’m going to speak to him tonight. I’m a little nervous!

Don't get married, it's the only way to protect your assets. Your dp doesn't contribute towards household bills & spends his money on crap, marry him & he will spend your money on crap. Divorce him & he gets half of your house, assets & business.

Not as much money involved but I will never marry my DP. I've been a single mum twice, never again will I have my finances entwined again.

Don't do it.

Im in a similar situation although sadly mine wasn't earned! I think the only way to truly protect yourself is to not get married! Especially if he’s not good with money!

I think you should get legal advice and get your DP to as well. He might not have many assets but I assume he has a good pension as a teacher he should definitely be protecting that in his scenario.

What if you had children and then you split? Would you happy with your DP having to have visitation in a house that was very much below the standard of yours? If you decided to retire early would you want your DP to as well so can enjoy it with you? If so then would be willing to allow him a comfortable life if you spilt after that point or would you expect him to take a risk of being poor in old age?

I think you need to to seek proper advice and think of what you would want to happen in all scenarios.

In your position I would not get married.
I am not quite in your position financially but not far off but the difference is I am married.

I don't think I will ever re-marry.

You need to protect yourself.
There was another tread on here taking about in not having her DH as the beneficiary of the estate, ensuring money goes to where she wants it to go. I think you should read it.

There are things you can do, leave things in trust, if you have a pension you can nominate this to others, it remains outside your estate for inheritance tax purposes. Good luck and think carefully.

My marriage had a disparity of wealth and assets and my ex was happy paying half the bills and a nominal rent. When we eventually split my ex wanted half my assets despite not contributing half. You can agree anything as friends, partners, lovers etc. However, when a relationship does break down, one or both begin to treat the other as an enemy. All goodwill, agreements and understanding will be long gone.

In hindsight I wished in hindsight I had insisted my ex make their own investments with the money saved from the nominal rent. Instead, what happened was they lived a better life than they ever hoped to at my expense and then when they left, also took more than they ever put in. It was a harsh lesson. For both of us really as they would have been left with very little after years of not investing which I could also understand.

The big red flag for the OP is partner is not good with money. That would concern me hugely. Once you are married you are financially tied to that person and their financial legacy can impact you massively. I know too many people whose future life has been impacted by the careless and carefree approach to cash of their partners. Huge credit card debts, gambling debts etc.

Good luck whatever you decided....

@EarthSight

Also, if he's silly with money, that is trouble brewing right there. Someone who doesn't spend money wisely is someone who has issues inhibiting themselves and their desires (usually). They show poor inability or unwillingness to live life as a grown up and face their circumstances. Be careful you are not marrying a manchild. It will cause all sorts of arguments.

100% THIS

Agree with a previous poster that the OP needs to be honest and transparent with her boyfriend that she doesn't actually want the commitment of marriage. Not sneakily string him along like so many men do to women in the reverse. Since it's oh so reasonable to be planning out a divorce before you've even married, then you should have no qualms at all being totally open and honest with him about your mistrust and your proposed financial plan for yourself, right?

Prenups negate the whole point of marriage which is to share your lives together and become a joint unit. If I still didn't feel I could be a joint unit with someone I've dated for almost a whole bl**dy decade and then I would break up. Taking on potential financial risks IS part of commitment. You need to take a step back from prenups and properly consider whether you should still be with this man at all when you have these doubts and different views on money. Whether you have a prenup or not, divorce is something to be avoided. The best thing you could do right now for yourself may actually be walking away from the relationship entirely.

You have to accept in life that you can't have your cake and eat it. You're either committed or you're not. He may choose to stay (and know you've only agreed to marriage on the condition of protecting assets from him, which in itself could lead to issues that end up causing the marriage's demise), or he may choose to find someone who actually wants to commit. You can't assume OP that you can control everything to favour you where you expect a marriage level of commitment from him but no potential marital financial risks for you.

Honestly, in his shoes i would walk away from anyone suggesting a prenup. If you feel the need to "protect" your assets from me then it tells me all I need to know. Someone who doesn't truly believe in marriage and commitment, doesn't deserve my commitment either.

Don’t get married, OP. You have nothing to gain and everything to lose

I’ve spoken to him, I explained my fears and he was very understanding. I didn’t bring up pre nups but he said he would be happy to sign an agreement and that he didn’t expect to benefit from my situation.

Of course he would as he knows it is not worth the paper its written on.

Myself and DP own our own houses outright, we share them in the week.
DP has a bio son who was adopted and they have a good relationship now thank god. I cannot have kids, another story.
We have agreed in our wills that we will leave a certain sum to each other, and in the event that either dies prior to that, it will go to my disabled niece and the bio son in equal shares. The rest goes to family. I am so happy with that.
We took legal advice. Worth the money in the long run.

Hi there did you get a prenup in the end as I’m in a similar situation and thinking of getting one.