Prenups, marriage, what would you do?

[Crossroadsx]

Morning all

Me and DH would like get married at some point, we have been together 8 years now and we’re ready to start a family. We get along great etc no problems there and we are both in our early thirties.

The only issue money..

He is a teacher on a good salary around £35,000 and will build up a great pension pot. He has no assets though.

After everything is cleared I have around £2m in assets (property, investments etc) and earn around £100,000 from my business.

I really want to protect my business and the assets I have before marriage, this might seem selfish but if I wanted to I could never have to work again, I’m financially free and I don’t want to risk that. I could happily stay at home to look after the children.

I feel I’m in an odd position of having enough that losing half would cause great pain, but not enough that I’d still be able to live comfortably after.

DH has a good job so if did end in divorce he will still be fine financially but the difference between us is big.

I don’t know if the courts would decide, would by business be up for grabs? He couldn’t run it. It is no use to him really. Would they ring fence my assets before the marriage? Seems sometimes they do sometimes they don’t.

Will a prenup stand? How do I approach DH about it? Argh.

Gosh I’ve got a headache.

I have chosen not to marry, for a number of reasons, but a similar situation to yours around property and investment assets is probably the main one.

I worked incredibly hard over many years, made sacrifices and took risks to secure my financial security. Nobody, no matter how wonderful, will be given the opportunity to take that from me. I would fully respect, indeed expect, any one I was in a relationship with who took the same view about their own financial assets too.

“ I worked incredibly hard over many years, made sacrifices and took risks to secure my financial security.”

That’s exactly how I feel, I believe the chances are small but why risk it.

You're not really giving him a hard enough time if he's only paying for groceries and has £35K income to play with.

What adult gets that?

Maybe you're insulated from real life by your wealth and standard of living, but he has it extremely easy and knows you're rolling in it.

Fine if it suits you to keep him and don't mind, but however lovely he is, he isn't exactly behaving like an adult.

I am in your situation but married. If I had my time again I wouldn't get married. My DH had an emotional affair after being together for 20 years and with three kids. He wa ms entitled to half of everything even though I had earned the lot. I would never advocate marriage if you have grater assets than your spouse to be. You never know what will happen

With all due respect... If you have £2m, shouldn't you invest a few thousand on sound financial advice rather than asking a bunch of strangers on the internet, very few of whom will know?

Seems a bit strange to be asking on a forum to me.

@Crossroadsx

“ I worked incredibly hard over many years, made sacrifices and took risks to secure my financial security.”

That’s exactly how I feel, I believe the chances are small but why risk it.

How would you feel if it was the other way around? If he had all the assets and value and kept it to himself?

I'm a SAHM at present (due to financial reasons) and my partner earns well. He also pays all of our bills and transfers me money so we have the same disposable income. If he turned around and tried to claim his is his and mine is mine, id feel that was unfair.

Part of being in a real partnership is sharing. Yes it's a risk but isn't everything?

I think it's fair enough to have a prenup for your assets that aren't in use day to day (extra homes, investments etc) but to avoid marriage altogether just to keep all your money yours seems quite sad really. Money can make you lonely.

Talking from experience, don't marry.

HighSpecWhistle I think your situation is different, he won’t be out of work to look after the children so his career shouldn’t have taken a hit at all. He should be able to live fine on £35k+ a year if we split up, he will also get a good pension later in life.

I don’t want to screw him over and likewise I don’t want to be screwed over. He has been looked after very well so far and will continue to be.

If prenups aren’t watertight would you want to risk finance freedom?

To prevent risk, the best option is don't get married, or research ways that mean you can legally tie up your assets so they cannot be at risk, when eg divorce

The thing is. Some people will say only enter into a relationship with someone who has similar wealth but good luck finding that.

Perhaps consider getting a second property in his name, but both paying towards the mortgage. If I were in his position I’d be concerned about spending my income on our family, then getting ditched and not having a home. It’s all very well protecting yourself, but you are thinking of having this man as the father of your children, he deserves protection as well.

@bridgertonian

Perhaps consider getting a second property in his name, but both paying towards the mortgage. If I were in his position I’d be concerned about spending my income on our family, then getting ditched and not having a home. It’s all very well protecting yourself, but you are thinking of having this man as the father of your children, he deserves protection as well.

Hmm, but currently he's earning £35K and paying just for groceries. So he could easily put away a ton of money on his own or buy alone - he doesn't need OP to buy with him - she's already supporting him. He could feather his own nest quite readily.

He is only paying half the groceries so I think he should be able to £1,000 a month. Like I said I don’t want to screw him over, I’ve tried to encourage him to build up his own pot. A buy to let could be a good idea and will give him a safety net if the worst happened.

I’m kind of playing devils advocate I guess as I can see both sides, but do understand you’d want to protect yourself. My only thought is that on a single income of 35k, he wouldn’t be able to get a family home where I live (prices might be lower in your area obviously) if he wasn’t with you, who is already a homeowner, he’d be building that up with someone else potentially where at least in the event of a split he’d get half the equity. That’s the only reason I thought a buy to let, with you on the mortgage might be an option, as at least then he would have a home big enough to house future children.

If hes good enough to have dc with, why wouldnt you want to support him even if you split?
Trust me, it makes life a hell of a lot easier if both parties have an equal opportunity to treat their dc.

Growing up my DM was a single parent without two pennies to rub together, she had to be financially savvy as well as independent because she couldn’t rely on anyone else. Especially not my dead beat father, I struggle to call him a dad. I think this is why I haven’t and wouldn’t rely on anyone else.

Don't marry

Don't be fooled into thinking he doesn't care/realise how nuch money you have. He does

Who is pushing for marriage? You or him?

OP, as I understand it, any assets gained before the marriage would not count as 'matrimonial assets' and would not be included in a divorce settlement.
However, as others have said you need to get legal advice about this.

Do not marry him OP 🌺

If you want to protect your assets don't marry him

Very much this.

If you must marry you will need to do prenup and post nip which need updating as circumstances change (babies, length of marriage employment status etc) you will pay for him to get legal advice and will still need to give him "reasonable provisions"
Ie some of your money

Also if you marry and he quits his job you are going to get proper screwed over.

Insomnia post, forgive me.

Think long and hard about this. You said he is earning well. On 35k? That's half my occupational pension , sorry not boasting, but that's just not ok.

Follow your gut, not your heart, and with the assets you have at your back, paying for legal advice, which I know you intend to do will be wisely spent now.

Best of luck my love. Head before heart, remember?

Do not do this. 35k is not a big salary by any stretch of the imagination. He is bad with money huge red flag. What a shame prenups are not legally binding in UK.

1. Tell him you want to get married ‘some day’ when you have both saved the money for a big party
2. Have kids before marriage
3. Later declare marriage is ‘just a piece of paper’ when he tries to organise a wedding

Seems to work for many of the male partners of the women on Mumsnet.

Am intrigued by the number of posters telling her not to marry. Would you tell a man the same if he had assets but didn’t want to marry his wife?

Or is the difference that we are assuming the woman would take time off to raise children? This may not be case for the OP, especially given she earns significantly more than him and teaching is a job you can easily take a few years out from....