Sex (lack of) in relationship

[Oldat40]

I'm 40 and my partner is 45. We have an eight month-old baby together and I also have two teenage sons from a previous marriage. We bedshare with baby and she is breastfed.

Before we had baby we had a great sex life, even throughout my pregnancy.

However, as well as this, he's had spinal surgery which has affected things and he has now been prescribed viagra. He's obviously upset which I understand.

Truth be told I'm not interested in having sex anyway. Nothing personal, just that breastfeeding produces hormones that decreases drive totally and of course bedsharing too.

I think he feels frustrated with the whole situation but not a lot we can do?

We're not exactly youngsters any more either!

I don't understand the bed sharing thing at all. Your baby should be sleeping in her own cot, and your marital bed should be just that. It's my guess the bed sharing is an excuse not to have sex

@Anordinarymum Not at all. I've bedshared with all three of my kids. You don't have to have sex in a bed (and we're not married btw).

Maybe it's just a phase and it'll come back once the baby in his own cot and you husband has healed from surgery.

Where else could you have sex with a baby awake and teens around? A bed is surely the most appropriate place.

@seensome Sadly the damage from the surgery is permanent. Our baby doesn't have her own room but will probably hsve her own cotbed around 18 months or so.

@seensome The teens are only with me every other week.

And I currently have zero desire for sex anyway.

So what are you wanting from this?

@Anordinarymum I think the main thing for him is how he's feeling due to his surgery having affected him sexually. It must be difficult. I don't know what I can say to him to reassure him or make him feel better? It's made worse by the fact I don't want sex anyway.

There are plenty of things you can do. First of all.. Breastfeeding doesn't produce hormones reducing the sex drive totally as you said, there must be other reasons you don't want to have sex anymore and potentially should be addressed with a doctor.
In regards to your husband.. It must be a horrible feeling for him to know he has to take viagra at 45. If you tell him you don't fancy having sex with him anymore it will make things 10 times worse. Not only he will feel less able but also not desirable/attractive.
What should you do? I would have a heart to heart conversation with him, but from a different angle. I would reassure my feelings for him (assuming you do have feelings), how you find him attractive and everyone might end up with medical problems.. Here I would tell him you also have a medical issue with finding sex a bit uncomfortable due to temporary hormonal changes post childbirth / breastfeeding, but you as a couple will overcome all of them. Reassure him he is still wanted.

Just because your bloke has had spinal surgery does not mean the end of a sex life. There are lots of ways to have sex without him climbing on top. But - you have to want to try and I don't think you do OP

@Iwonder08 Thank you. My GP has advised that breastfeeding does definitely decrease libido and also prevents ovulation - it's nature's way of spacing out children which is pretty smart. We definitely are not having any more - this is his first and last baby! I have explained to my partner re the breastfeeding.

I find sex boring currently (although I haven't told him that of course) and this is in the main because I just don't want it.

Lack of sleep also plays a huge part.

I do feel for him knowing that he'll be having to medicate with Viagra for life. He's not that old at 45. It's hurt me too as it makes me feel ugly and unattractive (although I know that sounds a bit silly). He can get up to four pills a month on the NHS.

On the positive at least we don't need to worry about future fertility which is a huge relief.

@Anordinarymum It's nothing to do with position! He can't maintain an erection.And no, I have no interest in sex currently.

I could not imagine having no sex life at 40. When you finish breastfeeding, do something proactive. It's what makes your relationship special and nice

@Anordinarymum Yes hopefully my libido will return. Will be breastfeeding until baby self-weans (probably around 3) and we will see what happens from there. I'll be 44 so hopefully not perimenopausal by then!

3 you say ?? Bloody hell.

@Anordinarymum Yes and perhaps longer. My first self-weaned at 18 months, my second at 3 years.

Everything you are doing with your baby is normal and healthy. I would think your partner's surgeon/doctor would be able to refer him regarding his impotence as a result of surgery. He could do with counseling.

Just straight out the gate, Breastfeeding longer than average and bedsharing are not wrong.

This is about you and your partner really taking time to work on your relationship. Sexual intimacy is fun and reaffirming in a relationship so he'll obviously be working through some things as he adjusts to the impact of his spinal surgery. You had a baby only a short while ago. There is no correct way to do your sex life, it is what works for you both at this stage.

Talk to each other, look after yourself (eat nutritious food, get exercise etc) and look after each other. There doesn't need to be this pressure on yourselves. Don't make having penatrative sex some target that has to be met X times a week. If you're finding it difficult, get some counseling.

Slightly off topic but if I were you I'd seriously consider another form of contraception once you do become
Sexually active again. Breastfeeding doesn't completely eliminate you from becoming pregnant at all x

@CoffeeAndCaramel Thank you. Yes I'm on the pill but questioning if that's the right form of contraception as we very rarely have sex. He has said he'd go for a vasectomy? We couldn't keep another pregnancy on the rare off-chance it happened and I know I'd find a termination highly distressing.

@B1rthis I agree. He's struggling with it which is understandable. I mean it makes me feel shit and it's not even about me.

There’s lot to unpack here. Are you really saying that sex from your point of view could be off the table for up to three years? Which is it, his lack or erection make you feel unattractive or you just be can’t be arsed?

I’m not sure how you can reassure someone that their ED is not a big deal if you plan on avoiding sex with them. You need to make time and compromise but you are kidding yourself that your relationship will not suffer from your joint lack of effort.

Where there’s a will there’s a way but if there isn’t then you won’t. At present the biggest stumbling block isn’t his ED.

@AgentJohnson I just don't want sex, Im not avoiding it. I literally have no drive and I'm not a performing seal!
I barely sleep as I do all of the night wakings so that plays a part, but it's mainly due to the breastfeeding. It lowers drive due to hormones and also makes everything dry (see NHS website). I'm totally touched-out and I don't want him anywhere near my boobs!!

Your in your 40s, not your 80s. There’s no need for your sex like to dwindle for many years. It sounds like you have unilaterally shut up shop and if you’ve both been used to a healthy sexy life I can see why that would be horrible for him. You need to communicate more effectively about what’s going on. Hopefully you can find a solution you’ll both be happy with.