Sex (lack of) in relationship

[Oldat40]

I'm 40 and my partner is 45. We have an eight month-old baby together and I also have two teenage sons from a previous marriage. We bedshare with baby and she is breastfed.

Before we had baby we had a great sex life, even throughout my pregnancy.

However, as well as this, he's had spinal surgery which has affected things and he has now been prescribed viagra. He's obviously upset which I understand.

Truth be told I'm not interested in having sex anyway. Nothing personal, just that breastfeeding produces hormones that decreases drive totally and of course bedsharing too.

I think he feels frustrated with the whole situation but not a lot we can do?

We're not exactly youngsters any more either!

Do you kiss and cuddle? Would you like to improve your sex life?

@HadEnoughOfGoingForWalks Yes we do. I would say we are definitely physically affectionate towards eachother. It's just the sex that's missing for a number of different reasons. Given time hopefully my libido will return and his spinal op surgery will settle. That's the hope

There’s always other ways of having fun without full sex. Maybe you both need some couple time. Even a bath together can be just the time you both need to reconnect on a more personal level that isn’t all about the baby or their feeds or nappies etc etc

@IEat Totally agree. When lockdown is finally done I will see if I can find someone to have the baby for a couple of hours or so

@Oldat40

My 45 year-old partner "needs" his own bed far less than our baby girl needs her mummy

Damn right OP

Have you tried him taking a viagra and you watching a film (or whatever you like to do together ) and cuddling on the sofa after and seeing where this takes you?

[quote Oldat40]@YRGAM Can you post any that show any detrimental effects to baby of SAFE bedsharing?[/quote]
I didn't say bedsharing was detrimental. I took issue with whoever it was saying that not bedsharing damages children mentally. If you make wild claims like that you have to back them up - that's kind of how it works

I think you probably need to start by having an open discussion with your partner rather than spending your energy ducking and diving on MN.

He's got a hand, so he can satisfy himself until the new baby phase calms down and you feel more inclined.

@HadEnoughOfGoingForWalks Yes we love spending time in each other's company like this so as soon as lockdown is over and we can get someone to have baby for a couple of hours we will definitely plan some time together just us

I was more thinking for now, I don’t know much about co sleeping but does it mean you’re with your baby all the time, all evening?

@HadEnoughOfGoingForWalks Yes she won't sleep until we go up at around 10pm. She doesn't have her own sleeping space. She will sleep in her pushchair following a walk but only in twenty minute bursts max. So she is on me every evening which is exhausting! My eldest goes to bed after us. So time just us two never happens sadly.

@Oldat40 that's really interesting thank you. My DS has just moved out into his own room and I'm breastfeeding but had no idea feeding affected dryness and libido - I just thought there was something wrong with me! So thank you for that information xx

@morninglive

You obviously don’t know how viagra works.

@pancakes22 Yes the advantages of breastfeeding are talked about openly but the disadvantages less so. In total I've been bf'ing for around 6 years and only found this out relatively recently. Pleased it's helped to know this x

@Fabiofatshaft And he only gets a maximum of four a month on the NHS! More than enough for now though! 😂

From the zillions of posts I’ve read on here and through personal experience, for a woman to be ‘ in the mood ‘ ( As a rule ), she has to have an emotional connection with her partner, feel relaxed, feel loved, safe, respected, special etc, etc.

When a man uses viagra ( As a rule ), his head has to be in the right place, usually in connection and conjunction with the above.

Popping a pill and getting an instant boner and jerking off to pornhub doesn’t really do it.

That’s not how they work.

However, if the Ops partner is not going to be using his three years supply, I’d happily buy them off him.......

Yes she won't sleep until we go up at around 10pm. She doesn't have her own sleeping space. She will sleep in her pushchair following a walk but only in twenty minute bursts max. So she is on me every evening which is exhausting! My eldest goes to bed after us. So time just us two never happens sadly.

Of course as ever, if you're happy with this, that's fine. But you're posting here & not happy about the situation, so I'd respectfully say this is a bit crazy!

An 8 month old baby has no sleep routine, only 20 min naps? She sleeps on you & only goes to bed at 10?

This isn't great at all for a baby of that age, who would benefit from at least 2 specific nap periods, and is not sleeping well, if she's sleeping on you till 10pm.

You can take some steps to improve this (not for the sex issue, just for a better schedule for you all.)

All sounds normal. Most people aren't going at it like rabbits with an infant. Especially after spinal surgery!

Yes but there is a middle ground between going at it like rabbits and not having a sex life.

So your routine with your baby is similar to most people with a very new born baby , whereas for lots of parents by 8 months although they are still knackered there becomes a little bit of time and energy for other things such as sex.

[quote Oldat40]@HadEnoughOfGoingForWalks Yes she won't sleep until we go up at around 10pm. She doesn't have her own sleeping space. She will sleep in her pushchair following a walk but only in twenty minute bursts max. So she is on me every evening which is exhausting! My eldest goes to bed after us. So time just us two never happens sadly.[/quote]
I’ve defended many of your posts, but this is madness
An 8 month old needs a sleep routine, babies need regular and consistent sleep for proper development, let alone to feel ok
It’s verging on cruel to not make an effort here, unless there’s something you’re not telling us

@gannett

This doesn't seem like a huge problem?

If I understand right your DP can't have sex as easily as before because of his surgery. This has coincided with you not wanting sex as much as before, which is not uncommon with a new baby. So you're both in situations that will lead to a dry spell and IMO it's good that they've coincided.

While you're both in this state it'd be a good to maintain some intimacy that isn't necessarily full penetrative sex - and honest communication about where you're both at and what you're feeling about it. And the long-term goal is surely a decent sex life again. I don't think "never wanting to have sex again" necessarily follows from "not wanting sex at present".

this!

A sleep routine just doesn't work. Especially when my middle son is at home and needs full support with his home learning. She's my third so we can't stick to a regimented routine. She sleeps from around 7 - 8 pm of an eve (when my partner walks her) then she awake until bed at 10pm. I would say she has about two half hour naps in the day from about 10 - 10.30 and 1-1.30. She doesn't have a cot and it's not safe to leave her in our room unattended.
Throughout the night she wakes every 3/4 hours. Never has she done any more.
I'm back to work ft in a few months so we will see how things go then. However, I will be working 8 - 5.30 and also most evenings so time at a premium!

@EarringsandLipstick She's not asleep until 10pm. She is awake and whiney.