Sex (lack of) in relationship

[Oldat40]

I'm 40 and my partner is 45. We have an eight month-old baby together and I also have two teenage sons from a previous marriage. We bedshare with baby and she is breastfed.

Before we had baby we had a great sex life, even throughout my pregnancy.

However, as well as this, he's had spinal surgery which has affected things and he has now been prescribed viagra. He's obviously upset which I understand.

Truth be told I'm not interested in having sex anyway. Nothing personal, just that breastfeeding produces hormones that decreases drive totally and of course bedsharing too.

I think he feels frustrated with the whole situation but not a lot we can do?

We're not exactly youngsters any more either!

@SarahBellam But i just dont want it! I can't pretend I do?

Breastfeeding definitely affected my libido, after I'd stopped it just magically reappeared both times. It is unfortunate that the two fairly major shifts in your relationship happen to have come along at the same time. All I can suggest is keep communicating with each other, and remember that sex isn't the only way to show affection or create intimacy.

Poor bloke. I wouldn't want to share a bed with an 8 month old baby and find the whole co sleeping a bit weird

But each to their own.

@Wherearemymarbles It's the biological norm at the end of the day. He understands that and supports me in our choice to bedshare.

@Wherearemymarbles I find expecting a baby to sleep on their own a bit weird. But like you say, each to their own.

Why is he a "poor bloke"? He recognises his daughter takes priority and I fully respect him for that.

I think you can be intimate without have sex which leaves you feeling connected. Intimacy is really important in a relationship I believe but it doesn’t need to be anything to do with sex. Keep connected other ways until you want to have sex again

I think he also appreciates undisturbed sleep!!

@sunnydays78 I agree. We just somehow need to find time for it.

@Anordinarymum

I don't understand the bed sharing thing at all. Your baby should be sleeping in her own cot, and your marital bed should be just that. It's my guess the bed sharing is an excuse not to have sex

🙄. Try telling the majority of families on this planet that bed sharing shouldn't happen...

@Wherearemymarbles

Poor bloke. I wouldn't want to share a bed with an 8 month old baby and find the whole co sleeping a bit weird

But each to their own.

What's weird about it? The majority of families on the planet actually bed share... It's a weird western idea that wee bairns are put in a separate room from their mother for ~12 hours...

@00100001 I couldn't agree with you more.

My 45 year-old partner "needs" his own bed far less than our baby girl needs her mummy

It's a weird western idea that wee bairns are put in a separate room from their mother for ~12 hours...

Yes. It’s accepted that grown adults with rational thinking and emotional control get comfort sharing sleeping space with another grown adults with rational thinking and emotional control but tiny babies with no rational thought or emotional should not and should be made to sleep alone and effectively punished for being needy.

I’m convinced it lays the foundation for poor mental well-being in the future.

@DicklessWonder Totally

@DicklessWonder

It's a weird western idea that wee bairns are put in a separate room from their mother for ~12 hours...

Yes. It’s accepted that grown adults with rational thinking and emotional control get comfort sharing sleeping space with another grown adults with rational thinking and emotional control but tiny babies with no rational thought or emotional should not and should be made to sleep alone and effectively punished for being needy.

I’m convinced it lays the foundation for poor mental well-being in the future.

Any chance of posting any studies or scientific research to back up your ludicrous claim that babies sleeping in a cot damages mental well-being? And 'I'm convinced' isn't going to cut it.

What is the point of this thread?

@YRGAM Can you post any that show any detrimental effects to baby of SAFE bedsharing?

Here's just a few of the benefits...

Benefits of bed sharing:

Promotes bonding—Three things encourage mother-child bonding: sleeping nearby, touching the baby, and breastfeeding
Helps baby go to sleep easier—In the early months, infants need to be parented to sleep (not just put down which can be traumatic if left alone to cry). Co-sleeping helps to create a healthy attitude toward sleep. Babies learn to regard sleep as a pleasant state to enter, and a fearless state in which to remain.
Helps babies sleep better—It’s a myth that young infants can be trained to sleep through the night in the first six months. Babies naturally wake up every couple of hours, regardless of where they sleep. Many find it hard to resettle after these periods of night waking. If a baby is sleeping next to his mother, her very presence conveys that it’s safe to go back to sleep. Since the baby feels calm, he either doesn’t fully awaken, or resettles easily and quickly with the help of her touch and perhaps a few minutes of nursing.
Helps parents sleep better—Night feedings become less of a chore (of course breastfeeding is ideal), and mom and baby can quickly fall back into a deep sleep.
Helps working parents reconnect with baby—For mothers and babies who are separated during the day, sleep sharing allows them to be reunited at night. This is especially beneficial for moms who continue to breastfeed after they return to work. Frequent nighttime nursing will maintain mom’s milk supply, and ensure that baby gets plenty of nutritious breast milk. In addition, the act of sucking stimulates hormones that have a relaxing effect on the mother, helping her to unwind, and enabling her to get a better night’s sleep.
Helps babies thrive—For years we have known that a newborn who is not gaining weight fast enough improves if his mother takes him to bed and nurses him. Today we have scientific studies that confirm this: good and healthy things happen when babies sleep with their parents.

Can't believe some of the nasty, sarky replies on this thread. Oh wait, yes I can because mumsnet seems to be full of nasty, bitter, bored people with nothing better to do other than put others down these days. If you have nothing helpful or constructive or god forbid even KIND to say then just fuck off.

Hope you manage to find a way around this soon OP. I breastfed and co slept with all of mine, but I would put DC to bed in their own cot first, and then they would come in with me when they woke up through the night. Is that something you could look into?

My babies and I woke each other up when bed sharing. They slept much better in their own cot.

So so far op you have talked about your needs and your baby’s needs. Guess your poor husband’s needs don’t count?
Poor bloke.

Tbh it sounds like you’ve used him for a baby and now you’re not interested.

I breast fed and bed shared with both of mine and we still had sex almost everyday and remained intimate. Just sounds like you’ve got what you wanted.

Bedsharing and breastfeeding are really not the issue. Dealing with your DH’s ED is the issue. I think that your naturally low libido (due to increased levels of prolactin during breastfeeding) is suiting the current situation.
I think you need to have a proper conversation with your DH and move forward rather than ignoring an issue that currently suits both of you but may ultimately cause resentment.
If DH has to use viagra may be plan a date night for sex, if you prefer more spontaneity there are other drugs that give a longer window of opportunity.
I think you are both feeling responsible for your lack of sex life and the longer you leave it to discuss the worse it will get. If you admit to loss of libido it will take the pressure off your DH to perform. You both need to build up confidence.

I have suffered with periods of libido loss since my 20s due to having a prolactinoma that produces massive amounts of prolactin. I have to balance the side effects of the drugs used to treat it so when I’m not on them I know that when my libido drops it’s an indicator my prolactin is high and needs treatment. I’m not suggesting that you have a hormone problem but your natural prolactin is high to maintain milk production so your libido will be effected.

**Tbh it sounds like you’ve used him for a baby and now you’re not interested.

I breast fed and bed shared with both of mine and we still had sex almost everyday and remained intimate. Just sounds like you’ve got what you wanted.**

Right so come on then, tell us where your teenagers were while you were having sex?? Oh I see, you didn't have any did you. And you have no idea what it's like trying to maintain a sex life with teenagers under the same roof. Honestly why even post if you can't offer advice?

@ShutUpAlex