Sex (lack of) in relationship

[Oldat40]

I'm 40 and my partner is 45. We have an eight month-old baby together and I also have two teenage sons from a previous marriage. We bedshare with baby and she is breastfed.

Before we had baby we had a great sex life, even throughout my pregnancy.

However, as well as this, he's had spinal surgery which has affected things and he has now been prescribed viagra. He's obviously upset which I understand.

Truth be told I'm not interested in having sex anyway. Nothing personal, just that breastfeeding produces hormones that decreases drive totally and of course bedsharing too.

I think he feels frustrated with the whole situation but not a lot we can do?

We're not exactly youngsters any more either!

And that 7-8pm I spend washing up and sorting house etc

[quote Oldat40]@EarringsandLipstick She's not asleep until 10pm. She is awake and whiney.[/quote]
She is whiny because she is knackered from not getting enough sleep during the day!

Sorry but you owe it to her to get a proper amount of sleep. It’s crucial to brain development

@Oldat40
don't let her nap in the evening! She really should be asleep by 8pm. Of course she won't want to sleep until later if you let her nap in the evening.
Buy a cot then she can be put to bed at a better time and be left quietly to sleep.

If you are going back to work FT then I strongly suggest to get her into a proper routine - actually the more kids you have the stronger the routine needs to be so that it is fair on every member of the family.

[quote BigButtons]@Oldat40
don't let her nap in the evening! She really should be asleep by 8pm. Of course she won't want to sleep until later if you let her nap in the evening.
Buy a cot then she can be put to bed at a better time and be left quietly to sleep.[/quote]
Mine has been asleep before 8pm maybe 5 times in her 15 years. Perfectly healthy, scarily bright girl. As a baby she slept 12-12.

There’s nothing magical about 7pm/8pm for sleep. Especially if you’re a family of owls.

@BigButtons I agree. It's my OH who is reluctant to give this up as he has an hour to himself! But I've told him he needs to stop the evening walk so she can get to sleep earlier. I'm going to see if we can sort out the little cot in our loft and give it a go. Even if she only sleeps in it for a few hours until we go up. It would be amazing to have evenings back until I return to work at least!

Why not give him a hand or blow job? I know, YOU don't feel like sex so it's off the table right?

Think of it as maintaining your marriage. It would only take 20 mins of your time say once a week - is that TOO much to ask?

I think getting your evenings back will massively help you two.

[quote Oldat40]@BigButtons I agree. It's my OH who is reluctant to give this up as he has an hour to himself! But I've told him he needs to stop the evening walk so she can get to sleep earlier. I'm going to see if we can sort out the little cot in our loft and give it a go. Even if she only sleeps in it for a few hours until we go up. It would be amazing to have evenings back until I return to work at least![/quote]
Put you foot down! She be put to bed and he can go for a walk afterwards. I think you will both feel much better when she's in her own cot.

@MyAltAccount He enjoys it but never finishes that way. I think he finds it frustrating because of his condition.

@HadEnoughOfGoingForWalks I agree.

[quote Fabiofatshaft]@morninglive

You obviously don’t know how viagra works.[/quote]
Er.....it gives a man a long lasting erection. My medical training also means I know the pharmacological effect on the penis and the original use of viagra, in cardiac medicine.

So what’s your point?

She's not asleep until 10pm. She is awake and whiney.

All the more reason to put her in a proper routine & let her go to sleep at a reasonable time.

10 pm is nuts - and unfair to your baby. Letting her nap between 7 & 8 is daft. That's when she needs to sleep for the night.

Get a cot if you don't have one. She can sleep in your bed when you go up if you want. How are you planning to manage when you go back to work?

It sounds chaotic, frankly, when it doesn't need to be.

@morninglive

You are obviously a woman. You may well know the chemical and pharmacological processes and the effects it has on a man’s physiology, but you have no idea how it affects his mental state and psyche.

It’s like me saying: Oh my partner has just had a baby, I know she’s tired and hormonal but I can’t understand why we aren’t having sex.

Many men MAY be empathic and understanding when their partner has just given birth, but only another woman in a similar situation can fully understand the myriad and complex emotions she’s going through.

My point !? If you are not a man, and you don’t take it, you will never understand in a million years, despite however many articles or medical journals you read.

When the time or situation comes in a man’s life that he has to resort to chemical help to keep his relationship going, it can and does have a massive effect on his self esteem and confidence. It affects his emotions, massively ( Yes, men do have emotions ), and it can also cause massive problems in relationships.

If a couple in a relationship don’t have a great communication process, the first reaction of a woman in finding out her partner uses viagra is usually ‘ Oh, he doesn’t fancy me ‘ and the second ‘ He’s not a real man, he can’t get a hard - on ‘

If you suffer loss of confidence, some partial ED or full ED, and nearly all men WILL experience one of them in their life time, to shore up my ‘ point ‘

If you are not a man, if you don’t have a penis, if you are not experiencing one of the above, and if you are not a man taking viagra, @morninglive, I don’t care if you are the UK most eminent female physician, you will never fully understand.

@morninglive

And to add, just like most women, a man likes to feel deeply emotionally connected to his partner, he likes to feel equally relaxed, equally special, equally desired, when he makes love with his partner......

The little blue pill has absolutely nothing to do with the attributes above.

@Fabiofatshaft You are right in that it has impacted him psychologically and, being a man, he hasn't spoken to me as much as he could of about those feelings. He has no man friends he could confide in really either.
He's only 45 (and now with a young baby) but his spinal condition has often left him feeling like an old man. When the condition got very bad he had to be cathetorised for six weeks and was told he may never regain bladder function. Luckily he has although he still doesn't really feel the need to "go."
It's like he's aged 20 years in 6 months and that's really difficult. For us both, but if course mostly for him. We have onky been together 4.5 years.
I would like him to have counselling but I don't think he will. It's obviously very difficult to talk to a stranger about intimate issues and how they are affecting him and our relationship.
We are coming to terms that a part of a relationship which was once really great will never be the same again.

And I have never even for one second thought he is any less of a man. I think he's incredibly brave having gone through what he has and I love him even more. Just as he has understood that my drive is currently on about 1%, I understand it's difficult for him in other ways. We won't throw in the towel on out relationship because it's always been more than just about sex. We're not married (yet - bloody Covid) but "in sickness and in health" still applies

Op

You both sound incredibly lovely people. I feel for you both.

It’s incredibly hard for most men to show their softer side and their emotions, but in your partners case, probably ten fold. But YOU sound bloody fantastic and very much empathic.

Gently talking it through, open lines of communication, and constantly reassuring each other of both your love and desire for each other but without the pressures of ‘ demands ‘, will I’m sure, get you through.

In time, I’m sure your love life will be as fulfilling as it ever was...... It will just be different, but non the less, equally rewarding.

Best wishes to the three of you 🥀