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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex (lack of) in relationship

144 replies

Oldat40 · 07/02/2021 01:15

I'm 40 and my partner is 45. We have an eight month-old baby together and I also have two teenage sons from a previous marriage. We bedshare with baby and she is breastfed.

Before we had baby we had a great sex life, even throughout my pregnancy.

However, as well as this, he's had spinal surgery which has affected things and he has now been prescribed viagra. He's obviously upset which I understand.

Truth be told I'm not interested in having sex anyway. Nothing personal, just that breastfeeding produces hormones that decreases drive totally and of course bedsharing too.

I think he feels frustrated with the whole situation but not a lot we can do?

We're not exactly youngsters any more either!

OP posts:

saleorbouy · 07/02/2021 14:51

Maybe you could have some intimate time together which would be comfortable for both of you. He might not need sex to feel close to you so his needs could be met in other ways. Its not easy for couples to adjust to young children and I understand not wanting to be fondled (thats what hormones do) but he is probably feeling a little out of the loop and as a man being intimate is how he feels close and bonds with you.

ShutUpAlex · 07/02/2021 14:53

@CarolVordermansBum what have teenagers got to do with it? People with teenagers still have sex you know. The OP had many options to keep a love life going but chooses not to. As I said, seems like she just wanted the baby.

coldspell · 07/02/2021 14:58

So sick of people judging bed sharing with baby , obviously they've never breastfed. There is nothing wrong with it and there are other places for sex if you ask me the bed gets boring anyway why not try the shower or sofa when everyone's asleep or just be patient and give it time in a few months baby will be transitioning to cot or bed anyway and you will have the bed back don't stress about it x

BigButtons · 07/02/2021 15:01

@CarolVordermansBum the op doesn’t have teens in the house all the time so that is completely irrelevant.
Op is just making endless excuses .

CarolVordermansBum · 07/02/2021 15:01

@ShutUpAlex because if the baby is in her bed it's not as if they can just use the sofa instead or another bedroom if her sons are around is it? Teenagers can have a huge impact on your sex life actually. Snd it's significantly harder still if you have a baby AND teenagers. You obviously have no clue though, you just want to come on here and accuse the op of 'using her husband for a baby'.

BigButtons · 07/02/2021 15:03

[quote CarolVordermansBum]@ShutUpAlex because if the baby is in her bed it's not as if they can just use the sofa instead or another bedroom if her sons are around is it? Teenagers can have a huge impact on your sex life actually. Snd it's significantly harder still if you have a baby AND teenagers. You obviously have no clue though, you just want to come on here and accuse the op of 'using her husband for a baby'.[/quote]
Op says teens are NOT with her all the time though, so no reason to use them as an excuse.

ShutUpAlex · 07/02/2021 15:04

She can put the baby in a Moses basket for an hour while they have sex. It’s really not difficult.

LittleBoPeep95 · 07/02/2021 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustAnotherOldMan · 07/02/2021 15:05

It can take up to 2 years to recover sexual function after spinal injuries if the nerves are not too damaged, so unfortunately I think you just have to wait it out (at least your partner will have to ) maybe you will feel a bit more like it by then as well

meltedgalaxy · 07/02/2021 15:06

What do you actually want from this thread Op? It sounds like you want us to justify the fact you don't want sex.

Viagra will help your partner, if/when you're ready to resume sex.

Having the baby bed share isn't really appropriate in the long term, maybe if she was in her own room it would give you and your partner the freedom to have sex

BigButtons · 07/02/2021 15:13

Having looked at the op’s other concurrent thread it would seem obvious that she feeling ‘depressed’ and the sleeping with baby all the time is because she is worried about bonding.
@Oldat40 I think your lack of desire and worries stem from mental health problems.
This cause lack of libido and low mood etc. Hopefully you are getting treatment for this.

Angrymum22 · 07/02/2021 15:13

Our sex life is far more difficult with a teenager around. We never had problems when he was younger but now he knows what we are probably up to it’s very inhibiting particularly during lockdown.
But there again it depends on what sort of sex you have.

YouShouldLeave · 07/02/2021 15:13

What’s with the agro?!

Why are you trying to force a woman to have sex she doesn’t want?

And poor bloke??
You are a disgusting bunch!

BigButtons · 07/02/2021 15:17

@YouShouldLeave

What’s with the agro?!

Why are you trying to force a woman to have sex she doesn’t want?

And poor bloke??
You are a disgusting bunch!

Yes poor bloke because the op is not the only person with needs in the partnership. Although you wouldn’t know it.

gannett · 07/02/2021 15:24

This doesn't seem like a huge problem?

If I understand right your DP can't have sex as easily as before because of his surgery. This has coincided with you not wanting sex as much as before, which is not uncommon with a new baby. So you're both in situations that will lead to a dry spell and IMO it's good that they've coincided.

While you're both in this state it'd be a good to maintain some intimacy that isn't necessarily full penetrative sex - and honest communication about where you're both at and what you're feeling about it. And the long-term goal is surely a decent sex life again. I don't think "never wanting to have sex again" necessarily follows from "not wanting sex at present".

lavenderlou · 07/02/2021 15:32

Wow, I'm very surprised by the replies you're getting. Get your baby out of the marital bed??

Your baby is only 8 months old and your DH has had significant surgery. It takes some people quite a long time to get back into sex after having a baby, especially if you're not getting a lot of sleep. DH and I didn't have sex for nearly a year after DC2. I had some birth injuries and she was a terrible sleeper - I never planned to co-sleep but up doing it just to survive. We eased back into it as she got older and now have a pretty regular sex life that we are both happy with.

As always in these situations, you need to keep the communication going but I don't think you need to be having sex at the moment if you don't feel like it. It doesn't mean you'll never have it again.

YouShouldLeave · 07/02/2021 15:42

” Yes poor bloke because the op is not the only person with needs in the partnership. Although you wouldn’t know it.”

So your answer is she should force herself to have sex?
Thats rape culture.
Although you wouldn’t know it.

BigButtons · 07/02/2021 15:54

@YouShouldLeave

” Yes poor bloke because the op is not the only person with needs in the partnership. Although you wouldn’t know it.”

So your answer is she should force herself to have sex?
Thats rape culture.
Although you wouldn’t know it.

Not at all- no one should have Alex if they don’t want to. Letting him be in the marital bed and having the baby in a cot and acknowledging that he has feelings too. Trying to find a solution that makes them both happier. She’s not doing any of that.

YouShouldLeave · 07/02/2021 15:59

Is he doing anything though?

Original poster

Oldat40 · 07/02/2021 16:15

@ShutUpAlex You clearly don't have children if you have genuinely suggested putting an eight month-old in a Moses basket!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Oldat40 · 07/02/2021 16:18

@BigButtons You do know that bedsharers can have sex, right? That is, if they WANT to.
Long gone are the days when a woman was expected to have sex when she didn't want it just to keep her man "happy."

OP posts:

ShutUpAlex · 07/02/2021 16:18

What? Both of my babies have slept in Moses baskets while I’ve been busy doing other things and not able to hold them.

DicklessWonder · 07/02/2021 16:19

@ShutUpAlex

What? Both of my babies have slept in Moses baskets while I’ve been busy doing other things and not able to hold them.

At 8 months?! How big were the Moses baskets?!

Original poster

Oldat40 · 07/02/2021 16:20

And for the millionth time...there is no marital bed! I am not married!! I know this may come as a shock to some of you still living in the 50's though...I have a baby and I'm (gasp) not married!!!

OP posts:

GappyValley · 07/02/2021 16:21

My sex drive has been zero while I’ve been breastfeeding, and most of my friends have said the same.

Talk about it. What are his expectations, what are yours?
Is a cuddle and snog enough to remind yourselves of the bond? Are you wanting sex for the sake of ticking a box or for actual sex?

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