Sex (lack of) in relationship

[Oldat40]

I'm 40 and my partner is 45. We have an eight month-old baby together and I also have two teenage sons from a previous marriage. We bedshare with baby and she is breastfed.

Before we had baby we had a great sex life, even throughout my pregnancy.

However, as well as this, he's had spinal surgery which has affected things and he has now been prescribed viagra. He's obviously upset which I understand.

Truth be told I'm not interested in having sex anyway. Nothing personal, just that breastfeeding produces hormones that decreases drive totally and of course bedsharing too.

I think he feels frustrated with the whole situation but not a lot we can do?

We're not exactly youngsters any more either!

@DicklessWonder

And again they spectacularly miss the point...I DON'T WANT SEX!!!!!

The point isn’t about making you have sex if you don’t want it. You don’t have to have it ever again if you don’t want it.

But you have a partner and you seem to not really give a shit about him.

@ShutUpAlex Are you suggesting that a "good" partner must have sex with her OH every day regardless of whether she wants it? You know, just to keep him happy? Jeez.

@ShutUpAlex Because I don't want sex?

Sex should be about both partners wanting it, no?

That’s is literally the opposite of what I said you’re just being purposefully obtuse about it.

Split up with him and met him find someone who actually wants him if you’re not interested.

@ShutUpAlex
Because the only way to give a shit about a partner is to have sex with them. Righto

Your attitude towards sex sounds far far more unhealthy the OP

And your suggestion that she used him to get a baby is as unfounded as it is grim
Projecting much?

I have a very healthy attitude towards sex thanks! I found a nice balance between being a mother and being a wife so none of felt neglected and left out.

The attitude displayed by @ShutUpAlex is not uncommon but just shows a desperate self loathing
The main belief is that your purpose as a partner is to sexually service them

They clearly have such a low opinion of relationships that they cannot actually comprehend the idea that there is anything more to a relationship than sex
So if there is no sex, there is nothing left as you might as well split up.

It’s very sad and shows they’ve probably had some awful relationships but also means you should totally disregard any ‘advice’ they have about relationships

I'm slightly taken aback by the strength of some of these responses. There is absolutely nothing wrong with bedsharing or extended breastfeeding.

Are you able to talk to your partner about how you feel and that you don't want sex? I'm in a similar position, although early thirties and breastfeeding an almost 2yo. I found it helped when he moved to his own room at 17 months as we had a bit more time for each other in the evenings, although the baby still comes into bed with us during the night. Breastfeeding has definitely impacted my sex drive and my boobs are now off limits. We've found talking about it helpful in that I need more emotional connection and partner needs physical affection (not necessarily just sex). We're both making an effort to provide more of what the other needs, with me trying to cuddle/kiss more. Sometimes it leads to sex but not often. As far as he sees it, something is better than nothing.

Hilarious

@ShutUpAlex How would you describe being a "good wife?" Because if it means having sex when I don't want it then I'm out! My partner wouldn't enjoy sex knowing I didn't want it either.

@ShutUpAlex
Therapy would probably help you unpack some of these fixed ideas about ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in relationships

I haven’t said anything about being a good wife. You’re projecting your own issues now.

@Sparechange I don’t need therapy Thankyou. I have a lovely life and relationship!

@lanalawr Thank you. Really helpful advice x

@GappyValley I guess one day I hope things to be a bit more like how they were before his op and our baby.

I'm not sure what Alex is doing to rile you so much OP?

I think the points are fair.

You keep SHOUTING that you don't want sex.

Ok. So what do you propose to do about your relationship?

As a start, why not say this to your DP? Maybe as he is also experiencing loss of function, it won't be an issue. But he needs to know how you feel. Sexual intimacy is usually a core part of healthy relationships.

The bed-sharing & b/f are irrelevant to your question.

I’m confused about the point of your post; do you want advice, do you want to argue with people, do you want to tell the world your viewpoint is 100% correct?! Being brutally honest if my partner told me weren’t having sex until our child was 3 then l wouldn’t be thrilled and lm female! I would be most put out and l think that’s understandable

@Oldat40

And for the millionth time...there is no marital bed! I am not married!! I know this may come as a shock to some of you still living in the 50's though...I have a baby and I'm (gasp) not married!!!

Don’t be ridiculous- you know very well what is meant by the term martial bed.

or marital even!

@WhatKatyDidNxt It's a combination of issues, not just the fact I don't want to currently. I didn't expect to be told to have sex when when I don't want it, But maybe some empathy and suggestions of how to bring back the intimacy without actually having sex. Surely a good relationship is about more than just sex?

Do you both set aside any time for just you both as a couple? Having time just the two of you even if you’re not doing anything is really important.