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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My DP has a DD who I do not get on with.

136 replies

Ilovetheseventies · 04/02/2021 18:26

I don't live with my DP but have been seeing him for three years. His DD also lives with him in his flat, she is 27.
When I visit I am lucky if I get a hello. She's never been that chatty but its become pretty obvious that she doesn't like me. I've bought her presents and on the last few occasions such as Xmas and birthdays she hasn't even said thanks.
She doesn't get on with her mother as she has been very abusive to her and to my DP for years.
I feel as if I should say something to my DP but he's either oblivious to it or is embarrassed or just trying to avoid the situation.
I think saying something isn't going to change anything but it's a shame that we cannot get on better.
A few months ago my DP and I fell out, she saw that he was upset and he had discussed our relationship with her which I'm not sure was such a good idea. I think from what he was saying it was a pretty level headed discussion but I can't help but think she's taken his side. I can understand feeling protective towards your dad.
I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Jesskir89 · 04/02/2021 21:05

No similar experience op but why don't you try talking to the daughter? Tell her you sense some hostility and wanted to straighten things out. As a 27 year old she should be frown up enough to speak to you about any issues

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2021 21:10

I wouldn't put up this bullshit. Hell would freeze over before I dealt with a 27 year old woman who acts like a miserable 13 year old. Does your partner just stand by and say nothing to his daughter for being so bloody rude? If he doesn't stand up for you, he's as bad as she is.

Original poster

Ilovetheseventies · 04/02/2021 22:28

It's one of those situations where it's not what she's doing it's what she's not doing.I really don't feel like approaching her. Her attitude stinks and for no good reason. She heard us having a disagreement once on the phone and she told her dad she didn't like the sound of it. It sounded just like her mum! This was someone who had been physically and emotionally abusive to her dad for years. She witnessed all this and was v close to her dad so I'm wondering whether she sees me as a threat. She's 27 lives there rent free. I only go there about once a week but the other day she said hello and then just spoke to her dad. It hasnt really bothered me up until now but I'm beginning to think about how this is going to pan out in the future m. If my DP and I live together etc. How much should I let this bother me?
What's the best way to deal with this.

OP posts:

sadie9 · 04/02/2021 22:36

What age are you?
What age did your DD separate from his wife...how long has it been just the DP and his DD?

Original poster

Ilovetheseventies · 04/02/2021 22:50

I'm 54 and my DP is 56. He separated from his DP 5 years ago was on his own for 2 years then we met. His DD was living with his ex in her four bedroomed hse. She harassed him and was sending him upto 150 abusive texts daily. Turning up at his flat etc etc. That settled but then she kicked the daughter out not long after we got together. There wasn't really much of a reason for doing it. So they are living in pretty small accommodation together which he has recently bought.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ilovetheseventies · 04/02/2021 22:51

Sorry the ex was harassing my DP.

OP posts:

Diverseopinions · 04/02/2021 23:12

It's difficult when a person isn't very forthcoming to suss out whether they have any social awkwardness which might account for their strangeness. She might, subconsciously, feel it is her home and she is in down-time mode and shouldn't have to put on a front when you are there. Added to that, it may not be one of her strengths to manage the pleasantries which oil the wheels of life.
I'm not saying this is right, but it might be about her and her wanting to switch off and not bother when at home, rather than her feeling towards you.

It's almost as if you'd need to see her in another setting, such as a restaurant, or at a show or watching a firework display, or sledging, and with you, OP, and a nice bunch of other, mutual friends, to see what she is like then.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2021 23:22

Has he mentioned how long he's going to tolerate his daughter freeloading off him? She's 27, fgs. I see no possible future for the two of you unless he is able to create some boundaries. Imagine if you live together and he expects she can live with you, too.

NotMyPremium · 04/02/2021 23:34

He should be firmly telling her to grow up. I cannot understand adults who see their grown up DCs through rose tinted glasses and won't pull them up on poor behaviour towards their partner.

My DP has an adult child and he would never allow any rudeness towards me at all. Why do these Disney parents infantilise bloody adults so much!

If you see a future with him OP, this needs an open discussion. Lets face it, whilst she's living rent free with daddy she is going no where. Why should you have to put up with hostility when visiting your partner.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2021 23:40

There is no way he hasn’t noticed she’s ignoring you or refuses to thank you for gifts. He’s choosing not to deal with it for some reason.

It wouldn’t work for me. If he’s recently bought the place they both now live in then he’s fine enough with it that nothing will change anytime soon.

Do you want a partner who you’ll never live with?

Can you continue to respect and be attracted to a man who’s willing for his partner of 3 years to be treated so rudely?

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 23:43

Surprised at responses.

Your DPs daughter has witnessed her dad being abused for years. Of course she's wary!

I'd also imagine that given you have been 'seeing ' him for three years, she isn't sure how to be around you.

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 23:44

@Aquamarine1029

Freeloading? Living with her father because her abusive mother kicked her out?

TheChip · 04/02/2021 23:46

I would just tell him that you are no longer going to be spending time at his since his daughter is making you uncomfortable, despite your efforts.

He will either let you get on with it, and you will realise he isn't going to make an effort. Or he will have words with his daughter and try and resolve the issue one way or another.

Floridaflipflops · 04/02/2021 23:47

A parent should never discuss relationship issues with their kids it blurrs the line between parent and child. She is an adult woman and your the cuckoo in her nest and yes he will be aware of the tension and probably feels trapped between two women. He lives with her so won’t rock the boat.

Honestly I’d end it. Life’s to short

Original poster

Ilovetheseventies · 04/02/2021 23:48

Thanks for yr answers. Diverseopinions, thanks for your input I can get what you are saying about it being her home. I think she is very shy and we have been out in a social situation and she's said very little. But seems to be chatty enough around friends.
There is no talk of the DD being with us in the future as she's supposed to be saving up for a place having said that she's applying to be a mental health nurse. It sounds awful but she comes across as being stuck up more than anything. I suspect deep down he feels awkward. I don't want to say too much but I have to tackle this somehow. A few months ago he'd said about me coming over whenever I liked in fact he's always said that and having a key to his place but I feel if I told him why I don't want to come round it sounds as if I want rid of her.

OP posts:

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 23:49

I don't understand the responses about him needing to rock the boat/confront the issue.

DD has done nothing wrong here at all.

Her father has talked to her about his relationship issues, shes taken his side (obviously, when my friends talk to me about theirs I don't take their husbands sides, that would be bizarre) and she's dealing with a woman in her home after what she's been through. She's done nothing wrong.

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 23:50

@Ilovetheseventies

Thanks for yr answers. Diverseopinions, thanks for your input I can get what you are saying about it being her home. I think she is very shy and we have been out in a social situation and she's said very little. But seems to be chatty enough around friends. There is no talk of the DD being with us in the future as she's supposed to be saving up for a place having said that she's applying to be a mental health nurse. It sounds awful but she comes across as being stuck up more than anything. I suspect deep down he feels awkward. I don't want to say too much but I have to tackle this somehow. A few months ago he'd said about me coming over whenever I liked in fact he's always said that and having a key to his place but I feel if I told him why I don't want to come round it sounds as if I want rid of her.

You admit she is shy - but chatty enough aroun dfriends.

Being comfortable around friends is very different to getting used to a partner who is "seeing" her dad - how regular is this? following being thrown out of her home by her abusive mother and her father talking to her about his issues with his new partner. Can you not see how this would make her feel? Where does stuck up come from?

Original poster

Ilovetheseventies · 04/02/2021 23:52

Christ this should be a non issue. I don't want to get involved with what he does for her such as living rent free I've got enough to worry about with my own children
It's just her general attitude that bothers me.

OP posts:

NeverRTFT · 04/02/2021 23:52

You can't make her like you. She's unhappy and it's not your job to make her happy. She doesn't have to like it. Awkward because she's so grown up but that's how life is these days, adult kids living with parents. Her stability living with her dad may be a lifeline to her. I'm sorry but you have to suck it up.

Original poster

Ilovetheseventies · 04/02/2021 23:53

I think he's being taken for abit of a mug but he's compensating for her being stuck in the middle of what sounded like a toxic relationship.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2021 23:54

Are people really excusing a 27 year old woman declining to say hello to her father’s long term partner when she goes round? It’s rude. Inexcusably rude.

TheChip · 04/02/2021 23:54

You dont have to like someone to have basic manners. Its not like she is a stroppy teen struggling to come to terms with her fathers new relationship. She is 27 and its a 3 year old relationship. No matter what her dad has said about OP, if dad chooses to keep OP around then his dd should respect his choice and show some manners.

Original poster

Ilovetheseventies · 04/02/2021 23:55

Oh I totally agree NeverRIFT I can't do anything about whether she likes me or not but it's not pleasant

OP posts:

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 23:56

@AnneLovesGilbert

Are people really excusing a 27 year old woman declining to say hello to her father’s long term partner when she goes round? It’s rude. Inexcusably rude.

She does say hello. She just doesn't chat.

I'm not necessarily excusing her, but this is an odd narrative with only a fleeting mention of the abusive, harassing mother who kicked DD out.

RootyT00t · 04/02/2021 23:56

@Ilovetheseventies

I think he's being taken for abit of a mug but he's compensating for her being stuck in the middle of what sounded like a toxic relationship.

"what sounded like a toxic relationship" - OP, the woman harassed him and abused the two of them for years! You are really completely minimising this.

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