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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DP has a DD who I do not get on with.

136 replies

Ilovetheseventies · 04/02/2021 18:26

I don't live with my DP but have been seeing him for three years. His DD also lives with him in his flat, she is 27.
When I visit I am lucky if I get a hello. She's never been that chatty but its become pretty obvious that she doesn't like me. I've bought her presents and on the last few occasions such as Xmas and birthdays she hasn't even said thanks.
She doesn't get on with her mother as she has been very abusive to her and to my DP for years.
I feel as if I should say something to my DP but he's either oblivious to it or is embarrassed or just trying to avoid the situation.
I think saying something isn't going to change anything but it's a shame that we cannot get on better.
A few months ago my DP and I fell out, she saw that he was upset and he had discussed our relationship with her which I'm not sure was such a good idea. I think from what he was saying it was a pretty level headed discussion but I can't help but think she's taken his side. I can understand feeling protective towards your dad.
I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 17:25

Sorry OP I feel like I'm at you here but yesterday she didn't get on with her DM due to the abuse but today she does.

Some of this just doesn't stack up to me and that's why I'm struggling to keep up and see it how you see it.

Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 17:54

Last week my DP had to go in and have biopsies as a day patient. I offered to come over take him there bring him back made his tea for him seemed to be very thankful, now I'm thinking should I just have let his daughter look after him? He didn't decline the offer and I wanted to be there for him as he was very nervous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 17:59

Her DM has some kind of personality disorder and has harassed the DD but recently they have been getting on. Whether it will last I don't know but she has definetly witnessed abuse. My ex used to get alot of abusive texts, he blocked her then the DD did but I suppose she still wants to try and sort things out.
It seems to be a pattern but I know her DD wants his DM to try and get on with his ex. I don't understand that bit but his ex can be very nice and I think the DD thinks this time things will be OK. The ex believe it or not is a psychiatric nurse and the DM was looking for help to apply to uni.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 18:02

@Ilovetheseventies

Last week my DP had to go in and have biopsies as a day patient. I offered to come over take him there bring him back made his tea for him seemed to be very thankful, now I'm thinking should I just have let his daughter look after him? He didn't decline the offer and I wanted to be there for him as he was very nervous.
See things like this, while well meaning on your part , sound like a series of digs at the daughter.
Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 18:06

I'm thinking that now after being ignored yes.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 18:06

@Ilovetheseventies

I'm thinking that now after being ignored yes.
Thinking what?
Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 18:07

How is that digging at his daughter when I've come to support my DP?

OP posts:
Redburnett · 05/02/2021 18:07

Is it worth the effort given that she still lives with him?

RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 18:09

@Ilovetheseventies

How is that digging at his daughter when I've come to support my DP?
Because there is a theme throughout your posts of 'well maybe she should have done it ' 'well he pays for her but thats his business' 'he does a b and c but that's up to him'

The recent post comes across as well I took him but she should have done.

Just how I'm reading it OP. I don't know you or your partner or the daughter. But as PP have said you do seem hostile towards her and perhaps she is picking up on this.

isadorapolly · 05/02/2021 18:09

Do you need to like her? She’s 27, surely you’d have minimum contact with her?

Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 18:13

Redburnett
We have discussed living together as three years is a long time but not made any plans as yet.

OP posts:
Meggymoo777 · 05/02/2021 18:18

@Ilovetheseventies

Redburnett We have discussed living together as three years is a long time but not made any plans as yet.
Where would you think of living OP? Would he move in with you?
Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/02/2021 18:26

Her father supports her as in she has a home with him. She doesn't pay rent

Why not? She's twenty seven not seventeen, and I'm not sure if you've said whether she works or not?

Anyway, with him supporting her even down to bailing out her debts, it's not hard to see why she'd resist someone spoiling her nice little roost. Although it's his business, after 3 years I'd want a chat as to where he sees this going - because otherwise this unpleasantness could drag on for years

Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 18:26

I'm wondering whether she wanted to take him. More a case of she felt put out I've no idea

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 05/02/2021 18:28

Has his daughter only recently found out about you.?

She has been having problems at home with her mother and moved in with him, did she know you had been together for years.

Is she keeping you a secret from her mother so as not to hurt her further, or exaserbate her mental health problems.

RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 18:29

@Ilovetheseventies

I'm wondering whether she wanted to take him. More a case of she felt put out I've no idea
You need to speak to him.
Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 18:31

On the dunes it's best to readmy previous posts
Doesn't pay rent or any bills. Works earms £26,000

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 18:36

@Ilovetheseventies

On the dunes it's best to readmy previous posts Doesn't pay rent or any bills. Works earms £26,000
On the dunes didn't ask for any of those details. This is what I mean.
Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 18:39

RootyToot has nothing constructive to add just wants to argue.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 18:44

@Ilovetheseventies

RootyToot has nothing constructive to add just wants to argue.
I don't , at all, but I am trying to make you understand why your posts and points come across the way they do, and how they may be coming across to her. You asked me a while ago how it looks as if you are digging or hostile and I am attempting to show you this. That is constructive.
ScribblingPixie · 05/02/2021 18:50

It's a difficult situation for you, OP, but your description paints a picture of a father and daughter who have been through an awful lot together over a number of years, and it's understandable that she would be sceptical about his new relationship. I agree with earlier posters who've said you should discuss this with your DP without getting too heavy about it, and spend more time together in your own home.

TheChip · 05/02/2021 18:52

Maybe the issue isn't you at all, OP. Maybe daughter gets annoyed when you come over as she wishes her father would bugger off and let her have some free time and space.

CandyLeBonBon · 05/02/2021 18:56

@TheChip

Maybe the issue isn't you at all, OP. Maybe daughter gets annoyed when you come over as she wishes her father would bugger off and let her have some free time and space.
Then maybe the daughter should find her own place? She's 27, not 17!
Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/02/2021 19:01

(Daughter) doesn't pay rent or any bills. Works earms £26,000

Then despite how it may look to her, he's not really doing her any favours is he?

As so many have said, you need to speak to him and preferably soon - certainly in your position I wouldn't be hanging around for this

Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 19:17

I suppose it has wider implications. He's said she's trying to save for her own place but then he's said the flat is hers as in he will leave it to her or let her stay there if he's with me. he's only recently got it so has a mortgage he's paying off over 15 years. So if we did get a place I'd have to get everything done legally.

OP posts: