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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DP has a DD who I do not get on with.

136 replies

Ilovetheseventies · 04/02/2021 18:26

I don't live with my DP but have been seeing him for three years. His DD also lives with him in his flat, she is 27.
When I visit I am lucky if I get a hello. She's never been that chatty but its become pretty obvious that she doesn't like me. I've bought her presents and on the last few occasions such as Xmas and birthdays she hasn't even said thanks.
She doesn't get on with her mother as she has been very abusive to her and to my DP for years.
I feel as if I should say something to my DP but he's either oblivious to it or is embarrassed or just trying to avoid the situation.
I think saying something isn't going to change anything but it's a shame that we cannot get on better.
A few months ago my DP and I fell out, she saw that he was upset and he had discussed our relationship with her which I'm not sure was such a good idea. I think from what he was saying it was a pretty level headed discussion but I can't help but think she's taken his side. I can understand feeling protective towards your dad.
I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 00:09

We have been seeing each other for 3 years very regularly. I can understand the problems she has with her mother as I was in a similar situation when younger and I'm fully supportive of the situation. I don't live with him. He bought the flat and he and his DD bought everything for it etc. As I said it's up to him how he chooses to help her. It's her attitude to me that's the problem. I can just carry on and if we stay together and have a life together there will probably always be an atmosphere.

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 05/02/2021 00:10

@RootyT00t

Surprised at responses.

Your DPs daughter has witnessed her dad being abused for years. Of course she's wary!

I'd also imagine that given you have been 'seeing ' him for three years, she isn't sure how to be around you.

I Agee with RootyTOOt. This young woman is damaged. Either kill her with genuine interest and kindness or maintain a benevolent distance. Maybe she is still living with her dad because she just can't cope otherwise, given her history. Please don't take it personally, OP. Perhaps, as the woman supposed to love and nurture her just didn't, abusing her instead, she just can't see you as a "safe space". I feel for her. Her attitude towards you won't be against YOU. I hope you can see that and feel easier in her company as a result. Good luck.
RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 00:11

@Ilovetheseventies

We have been seeing each other for 3 years very regularly. I can understand the problems she has with her mother as I was in a similar situation when younger and I'm fully supportive of the situation. I don't live with him. He bought the flat and he and his DD bought everything for it etc. As I said it's up to him how he chooses to help her. It's her attitude to me that's the problem. I can just carry on and if we stay together and have a life together there will probably always be an atmosphere.
Not necessarily.

She might just need some time to adjust to you.

If you've been together 3 years, at least the last , what, 18 months she's been stuck in the house as have you and DP.

As PP said, maybe in time it just needs different environments. I can fully understand her hesitation here given her history.

Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 00:11

I am not minimising anything! Should I have to put up with someone's shitty behaviour because of what someone else has done to them?

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 00:13

@Ilovetheseventies

I am not minimising anything! Should I have to put up with someone's shitty behaviour because of what someone else has done to them?
Hmm

No, but you should be more understanding of the history faced by your partner's daughter, if you want to fill a role in his/her life.

And you are. Your language about the harassing and abuse is really quite fleeting and you are focusing on whether she chats to you or not.

if the shoe was on the other foot and you were posting about your partner not getting a good response from your DD in the same scenario, the responses would be quite different.

Sakurami · 05/02/2021 00:15

You sound prickly. Be a bit more understanding of what they've both been through. She's polite, she doesn't have to be more than that. Some of my kids' friends are super chatty with their friends and my kids but are super shy around me. Others chat for england with me.

TheChip · 05/02/2021 00:21

@Sakurami

You sound prickly. Be a bit more understanding of what they've both been through. She's polite, she doesn't have to be more than that. Some of my kids' friends are super chatty with their friends and my kids but are super shy around me. Others chat for england with me.
OP is lucky to get a hello and doesn't get a thanks for gifts. That is not polite, it's just rude. For a 27 year old woman she should know basic manners
Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 00:26

She says hello but only speaks to her dad. I am just going to say I don't feel comfortable in his flat. He is happy to come to me so there's no point in making any more of an issue about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 00:35

I have spent alot of time supporting my partner through this. He was with her for 23 years and has been very insecure and I have given him as much reassurance as I can. That doesn't come across on mumsnet. She's kicked doors in, he wasn't allowed face book she monitored his emails. He had to tell her his everymove. And I also feel for the daughter but there's no point in arguing on here none of you know me. I don't deserve rudeness.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 05/02/2021 00:35

The problem with situations like this is that your partner is probably afraid of his daughter. Afraid of what you might say ? Lots of things that might make his life unbearable such as her falling out with him and how that may manifest itself upon his life.

He needs to grow pair and deal with it or he may find he is stuck with her and her malevolence for ever.

RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 00:36

@Ilovetheseventies

I have spent alot of time supporting my partner through this. He was with her for 23 years and has been very insecure and I have given him as much reassurance as I can. That doesn't come across on mumsnet. She's kicked doors in, he wasn't allowed face book she monitored his emails. He had to tell her his everymove. And I also feel for the daughter but there's no point in arguing on here none of you know me. I don't deserve rudeness.
I don't think you deserve rudeness and I don't doubt how hard it has been for you and your partner but I think you need to look at the bigger picture when it comes to the daughter.
dazzlinghaze · 05/02/2021 00:40

I think she sounds out of order. Regardless of what she's been through (not minimising, it sounds awful), she's an adult and should be polite to her father's guests. Even if she doesn't want to bond with you, at the very least she should say hello and thank you for gifts. You've been with her father for 3 years, it's not as if you're a new random woman on the scene. I think she's being really rude and is putting her dad in a difficult position. If she were a child or teenager I would have more sympathy but she's nearing 30 years old!

It's a difficult situation and I don't think there's much you can do without straining your relationship. If you want to speak to your partner about it I'd maybe say something like "I get the feeling DD doesn't particularly like me, can you think of anything I could do to build a relationship with her?" And see what he says but I certainly wouldn't be jumping through hoops to get an adult woman to like me when I haven't done anything to deserve rudeness from her.

Jsnn · 05/02/2021 00:45

I don't really understand. There is a generational gap you're probably not going to be friends. You're in a part time relationship with her father (see him once a week) and as you said she's a bit socially awkward or quiet whatever. I just don't see why you expected her to be chatty. I do agree that not saying thank you for a present is a little rude but at same time giving a present with expectation of a thank you is equally rude.

She should be nice to you but I don't think she has any obligation to be your friend.

She does need to move out but it sounds like she's already working towards that so not sure what else there is.

Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 00:46

I think he feels very awkward about this so I need to choose my words carefully.

OP posts:
puppychaos · 05/02/2021 00:52

Honestly, it sounds like she's been through trauma and is wary of anyone who could potentially ever become a 'mother figure'. It sounds like she has her own stuff to work through and maybe hasn't started doing that yet.

If she says hello every time I really wouldn't give this much more thought. I'd stop buying her gifts though.

Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 00:57

I'm certainly not looking to be friends. We see each other three times a week, the relationship is serious. There is definetly an atmosphere when I go to his flat. I can either ignore it or not. Probably less hassle to pretend there's nothing wrong but that's what I've been doing for 3 years 😊

OP posts:
sadie9 · 05/02/2021 01:00

I don't see how the Dad is being had for a mug?
They furnished his new flat together so obviously it was intended to be/seen as the daughter's home.
She says hello. It's not ignoring you.
Her mother is very difficult. If the DD sides with you/ becomes your friend, then that betrays her mother. If the mother found out she'd hate the DD.

saraclara · 05/02/2021 01:02

@Ilovetheseventies

I have spent alot of time supporting my partner through this. He was with her for 23 years and has been very insecure and I have given him as much reassurance as I can. That doesn't come across on mumsnet. She's kicked doors in, he wasn't allowed face book she monitored his emails. He had to tell her his everymove. And I also feel for the daughter but there's no point in arguing on here none of you know me. I don't deserve rudeness.
Everything he experienced, that girl experienced too. All through her childhood. All through her teens. If you feel sorry for him, you should feel even more sorry for that child who grew into a damaged young woman - whose mother ultimately threw her out.

I'm sorry that she's rude to you, and you're in a difficult situation here. But surely you can see why your DP feels responsible for her, and why she's wary of anyone.

Shrivelled · 05/02/2021 01:02

I don’t think any of us are going to have the solution for you OP. Only you know how his DD treats you. If you’ve been together 3 years just tell your DP how you feel and let him think about how to resolve the situation.

Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 01:11

I understand how he feels. He has to be the mother and father. He had to do everything for her when she was small and so they have a special bond. He worries about her it's his DD. I don't want to put him under more stress. I don't think the relationship with his DD and I will change so its perhaps not worth mentioning until it becomes more of an issue or a situation arises. Sometimes these things have a way of working themselves out. So I will park it for now.

OP posts:
PawPawNoodle · 05/02/2021 01:11

You are not just going to 'his flat' though, when you are going round you are also entering her home. She has no control over that and may not even want you there, given the decades of trauma she and her father suffered from her mother.

You are there for your partner which is great, but who is there for her? You've not mentioned how her father is supporting her and you seemingly have no intention to; not that its your obligation to, however you consider your relationship as serious then I'd think you'd be prepared to take the bad with the good, such as seeking to have empathy for her rather than branding her rude.

NotMyPremium · 05/02/2021 01:17

Why on earth are people acting like this is some poor young child who has been kicked out by her mother. She's a grown woman of 27, not a kid or young teen. Old enough to know better. No wonder we have a generation of snowflakes if this is how we have to tiptoe around fully grown adults.

Original poster
Ilovetheseventies · 05/02/2021 01:23

Her father supports her as in she has a home with him. She doesn't pay rent. He talks to her and is there for her emotionally and practically like alot of parents. He's bailed her out financially when she's got into debt that kind of thing.

OP posts:
Meggymoo777 · 05/02/2021 01:34

Honestly, as you said upthread OP, just meet at your house. The woman obviously does not like you, is wary of you in her home and it's not up to her father to scold her and tell her to be nice to you. Don't bring that to his door. She says Hi to you, that's enough. Stop buying gifts etc for her. Maybe in time she might come round but I wouldn't make that a concern of yours. Just focus on your relationship.

Anordinarymum · 05/02/2021 01:35

Where do you see this relationship in say five years? Will she still be living with him ? Do you think he will ever move in to live with you ?

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