My DP has a DD who I do not get on with.

[Ilovetheseventies]

I don't live with my DP but have been seeing him for three years. His DD also lives with him in his flat, she is 27.
When I visit I am lucky if I get a hello. She's never been that chatty but its become pretty obvious that she doesn't like me. I've bought her presents and on the last few occasions such as Xmas and birthdays she hasn't even said thanks.
She doesn't get on with her mother as she has been very abusive to her and to my DP for years.
I feel as if I should say something to my DP but he's either oblivious to it or is embarrassed or just trying to avoid the situation.
I think saying something isn't going to change anything but it's a shame that we cannot get on better.
A few months ago my DP and I fell out, she saw that he was upset and he had discussed our relationship with her which I'm not sure was such a good idea. I think from what he was saying it was a pretty level headed discussion but I can't help but think she's taken his side. I can understand feeling protective towards your dad.
I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

I agree with PP that the fact that this woman is a survivor of parental abuse has been shockingly minimised on this thread.

From her point of view her home with her father is probably the first genuinely safe space she's had in her life, and the OP is a disruption to that. How many of us when we're at home want to spend our time making small talk with a family member's girlfriend? She says hello and moves on, that's the bare minimum but it doesn't seem anything to be bothered about.

Also, OP - you say she's the one creating "an atmosphere" but you're the one who's posted several snide things about her taking advantage and freeloading, and I can't imagine you disguise that well. She almost certainly senses YOUR contempt for her and is reacting accordingly. And you trying to make conversation despite that only makes it worse. If you want to reach out and talk to her I suggest you let go of your own attitude and do so from a place of genuine care. If you can't manage that, you'll just have to learn to live with being distant.

Why doesn’t he just come to your house?

I can see why it would be pretty awkward as a 27 year old hanging out with your father and his girlfriend.

Bloody hell. So many people excusing this woman's behaviour.

We've all got a sob story, my mum was married five times and had partners in between. I had partners thrust on me throughout my childhood and into my teens.

Did I like all her partners? No. I certainly had enough manners to be civil though.

Christ on a bike, poor upbringing and cushions trauma is not an excuse for shitty teenage behaviour.

It's understandable that you are offended as it is objectively rude, but you don't know how she's been affected by the years of abuse. I really doubt it's actually about you or anything you've done. It's the potential change and upheaval that you represent that will be making her panic and find it difficult to warm to you as, really, she would prefer not to have you around and keep her dad to herself.

This young lady has suffered years of abuse at the hands of her mother and this may be the first home she's felt safe and relaxed in. For a stranger to come around who is likely to want to take her favourite person away from her is a scary thought, especially for someone who's dealt with trauma.

OP you have absolutely no idea how having an abusive mother wrecks your life. I was myself in the same situation as your DPs daughter and I almost became the adult in the relationship with my dad, trying to protect him from any further upset.

He also confided in me details of his arguments with his new partner (who actually was a nasty piece of work) and I backed my father 100% as I felt it was my place to try and protect him. Once I knew that his new partner was controlling and manipulative too I couldn’t look at her from that point on.

You’ll never understand how she feels as you can never put yourself in her shoes.

As is happened with my father he carried on seeing his new partner despite being controlled by her, he was so used to being treated badly by my mother he had no way of seeing that this behaviour was as unacceptable, he was conditioned to it.

I no longer bother with either of them. Maybe you’d prefer to oust his daughter out too. I just hope your DP steps up for her.

We've all got a sob story, my mum was married five times and had partners in between. I had partners thrust on me throughout my childhood and into my teens.

Ok, sounds unstable but not really comparable to abuse. She can't trust her own mother so how can she trust a stranger not to turn the same way? Her dad was also a victim of abuse, she probably feels protective over him and hearing the argument between him and OP would understandably worry her that history was repeating itself.

I echo @Diverseopinions; I’m very socially awkward and shy and I just don’t know how to have a conversation with people.
My mums DP of 10 years said a few years ago that when we first met he thought I didn’t like him for years because I would never give him more than a ‘hiya’ and seemed generally unimpressed when he was around. It wasn’t the case at all I liked him from the offset I think I was just so awkward I thought being quiet would make me look quiet and not.. moody? Once I’d gotten used to him after age moved in with us I started speaking to him a lot more and now we’re really close.

If you’re only visiting once a week and have been together 3 years; I’d say that she probably still feel a bit like you’re (in the nicest sense) a stranger - which is never a completely comfortable situation when your under one roof. She probably hasn’t had the time to get to know you yet. Try not to feel reserved towards her, it’s hard when you feel like someone may not like you as your put a guard up, but she’ll sense that and get the same impression putting up a guard to. Maybe try and slowly have more conversation with her; has she any interests that you could sneak into a conversation to get her talking?

He was with her for 23 years

So her entire upbringing was filled with this abuse. No wonder she doesn't want your dad in a relationship again and isn't married herself, the only experience she's got to base her assumptions about relationships on is one of violence, fear and unhappiness.

He doesn't sound ready to commit to anyone, and I think his DD is also suffering the affects of long term abuse. She doesn't trust easily and unfortunately she may never feel comfortable with you. However if you are looking at a longer term relationship with her father it's unlikely she will be a big part of your life anyway.

You also don't sound as though you have the patience needed to achieve a good relationship with the DD and having to constantly reassure a damaged man may be too much for you.

Just have to see what happens.

People often use this phrase as a proxy for 'it's too difficult '.

It might be worth just accepting her role in his life will not change. She will continue to live rent free, it's her home. She will continue to be a financial drain on your DP

If you factor those points into your future life together you will have realistic view of what will be possible. If you think in terms of 'someday she will be, even should be, independent ' you might easily come to resent her, which would be resending him and his inability to cut her free. She hasn't had a great start in life so may indeed as an adult may be closer to being one of those 'tall children'

Might also be worth exploring why you have so much patience for his experience of abuse compared to your reaction to her experience. As a child, she had absolutely.no.choice.

If you can accept her as part of your DP, it may all work out. If you start to think about joining forces, maybe buying a house together and wanting her out...

Christ talk about catastrophising this. I do have an idea of being brought up by an abusive mother she was in and out of mental instutionsxwas an alcoholic, anorexic had ect suicide attempts and I was in care.
My DP is very loving caring to me and his daughter. I have a very good understanding of abuse. I haven't lived in my family home since I was 11. I was taken away and couldn't live with my mother again as we were at a high risk.
There is still no need for rudeness. But this is pointless. Some people have given some very good advice but alot of you are just reading between the lines and summising about how I've handled this.

Most posters appear to think that the daughter's behaviour is because of her difficult childhood. Could it simply be the more mundane explanation that she is happily living rent-free with dad and, no doubt, ruling the roost. OP presents as a threat to this cosy set-up and she wants to see her off. In which case, her attitude would be the same to whichever new partner her father brought home. Just saying.

I don't really understand some of these comments.

OP is hardly imposing, she is visiting her partner's home around once a week. It wouldn't take much for his daughter to hold a bit of conversation - I'm sure OP isn't expecting them to be best friends, just not to make her feel uncomfortable each time she's there.

I appreciate she may have had a hard time with her mum but she is 27 years old - would it be OK for her to treat everyone the way she is treating OP?

Nobody is asking her to adopt OP as her stepmum but a smile or thank you for a gift costs nothing and I very much doubt that she's so damaged by her mum that she can't be even slightly friendly to anyone new, ever. Seems more like she'd rather her dad didn't have a girlfriend and is trying to make OP uncomfortable enough to break it off.

@Ilovetheseventies If I were you I'd just tell your DP that you'd rather see him at yours from now on as his daughter clearly isn't comfortable with you being around their place.

And she wants to be a mental health nurse? The job where you need to be brilliant at breaking down communication barriers with people from all walks of life..

@yvanka

We've all got a sob story, my mum was married five times and had partners in between. I had partners thrust on me throughout my childhood and into my teens.

Ok, sounds unstable but not really comparable to abuse. She can't trust her own mother so how can she trust a stranger not to turn the same way? Her dad was also a victim of abuse, she probably feels protective over him and hearing the argument between him and OP would understandably worry her that history was repeating itself.

You have no idea what went on. I didn't go into detail because it's not my thread. Please try not to minimise and make assumptions about another person's lived experiences.

@Opticabbage

And she wants to be a mental health nurse? The job where you need to be brilliant at breaking down communication barriers with people from all walks of life..

I don't think this has any bearing on her job abilities. Many socially anxious or introverted people are great at people facing roles or extroverted and charming but just want to switch off when they get home as they are tired of being "on" all day.

She just doesn't want to chit chat with OP. Another person would maybe say hi and go to their room, but why should she? It's her home too. I don't necessarily see not wanting to chat as being rude. Her DP invited her over and wants to chat to her. I don't see why the DD has to put up an act if she doesn't want to. If OP is so uncomfortable she must just see her DP at her house as her DC like him

OP, stop trying I would suggest. Her past abuse is sad, but not your problem. Say hi to her when you visit, don't proactively engage in conversation with her. If your partner raised the subject tell him it is quite obvious she doesn't like you. Hopefully she will eventually move out and you won't have to interact with her

I can entirely see your dilemma op, she’s a grown woman and there is indeed no need for rudeness. I think you’re entirely justified in throwing the towel in with regards to trying to form a relationship with her. But that’s hard for you and your dp. I wonder whether you, as the real adult of the two of you, could take a deep breath and have a more up-front conversation with her. Maybe tell her you would really like to have a good, respectful relationship with her - possibly in time even a warm relationship as you both love her dad. Let her chew on that, say that you’re up for getting over this hurdle but that you’ve been trying and won’t keep chipping away if she’s adamant she doesn’t want that.

Then, quite frankly, if she ain’t interested- I’d ask your dp to just come round to yours in future. It’ll take two to tango, she’s not a teenager, she’ll need to do her bit to make a better atmosphere.

@Ilovetheseventies

Christ talk about catastrophising this. I do have an idea of being brought up by an abusive mother she was in and out of mental instutionsxwas an alcoholic, anorexic had ect suicide attempts and I was in care. My DP is very loving caring to me and his daughter. I have a very good understanding of abuse. I haven't lived in my family home since I was 11. I was taken away and couldn't live with my mother again as we were at a high risk. There is still no need for rudeness. But this is pointless. Some people have given some very good advice but alot of you are just reading between the lines and summising about how I've handled this.

Your first sentence is minimising.

@NotMyPremium

Why on earth are people acting like this is some poor young child who has been kicked out by her mother. She's a grown woman of 27, not a kid or young teen. Old enough to know better. No wonder we have a generation of snowflakes if this is how we have to tiptoe around fully grown adults.

Because she was kicked out by her abusive mother?

Your attitude is appalling.

@gannett

I agree with PP that the fact that this woman is a survivor of parental abuse has been shockingly minimised on this thread.

From her point of view her home with her father is probably the first genuinely safe space she's had in her life, and the OP is a disruption to that. How many of us when we're at home want to spend our time making small talk with a family member's girlfriend? She says hello and moves on, that's the bare minimum but it doesn't seem anything to be bothered about.

Also, OP - you say she's the one creating "an atmosphere" but you're the one who's posted several snide things about her taking advantage and freeloading, and I can't imagine you disguise that well. She almost certainly senses YOUR contempt for her and is reacting accordingly. And you trying to make conversation despite that only makes it worse. If you want to reach out and talk to her I suggest you let go of your own attitude and do so from a place of genuine care. If you can't manage that, you'll just have to learn to live with being distant.

This is what im trying to get at, less eloquently!

@sadie9

I don't see how the Dad is being had for a mug? They furnished his new flat together so obviously it was intended to be/seen as the daughter's home. She says hello. It's not ignoring you. Her mother is very difficult. If the DD sides with you/ becomes your friend, then that betrays her mother. If the mother found out she'd hate the DD.

This.

I agree with the majority that it's her home and she doesn't really know or trust you. 23 years of that kind of abuse would make anyone wary of others, whatever their age. Or she's just quiet and doesn't think badly of you. Or she does feel badly towards you because she's heard you and your DP argue over the phone and he's talked to her about (an?)other arguement. You don't know what he said to her, only the version he told you.
Her not thanking you for gifts is rude though.
I think your option, if you are uncomfortable going there, is not to. You've said that she's saving to move out, so it won't be forever.
The way you've described her on this thread is unpleasant.

27 yo woman should at least make an effort to display basic politeness, like saying thank you for her bday and Xmas presents no mater what background she has. Also 27 yo woman might want to consider making a small effort for her dad's sake who based on what OP is saying has never been a part of abuse. If basic politeness and making a small effort are beyond her current abilities due to past trauma then she, as an adult, should seek therapy as a matter of urgency
OP, you are in your 50s,surely the time to deal with other people's issue is way past. You need to prioritise your own wellbeing. Is this man worth all the unpleasantness around his adult daughter?

She's actually getting on well with her DM they are trying to repair things she wants a relationship with her of some sort. . I don't go round there expecting great conversation or to be best buddies. I've no idea what he's said to her either
My DP is one of those people who is very kind a really good person and was totally taken advantage of when married and so she may have concerns and worries over her dad being hurt again.
I am just going to avoid going over there for now. I can't think of what else to do.