My DP has a DD who I do not get on with.

[Ilovetheseventies]

I don't live with my DP but have been seeing him for three years. His DD also lives with him in his flat, she is 27.
When I visit I am lucky if I get a hello. She's never been that chatty but its become pretty obvious that she doesn't like me. I've bought her presents and on the last few occasions such as Xmas and birthdays she hasn't even said thanks.
She doesn't get on with her mother as she has been very abusive to her and to my DP for years.
I feel as if I should say something to my DP but he's either oblivious to it or is embarrassed or just trying to avoid the situation.
I think saying something isn't going to change anything but it's a shame that we cannot get on better.
A few months ago my DP and I fell out, she saw that he was upset and he had discussed our relationship with her which I'm not sure was such a good idea. I think from what he was saying it was a pretty level headed discussion but I can't help but think she's taken his side. I can understand feeling protective towards your dad.
I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

I was trying to acertain why this young woman may feel resentful towards you. It sounds like there is more going on here than meets the eye.

The daughter issue I feel is separate from your relationship.
Just don't go round and see her, go round when she moves back to her mums.

I think you sound unsure of your relationship status if you are uncertain who should have supported him throughout his hospital visit.

Maybe you could bring up the conversation about moving in together if you want to be with him. Other wise his daughter may think it's not too serious.

It sounds as though you are not his main priority.

I wanted to support him but the reception I got from her was not pleasant and so I was left questioning my actions.

You either go out with him or you don't.
She either accepts you or she doesn't.

And he needs to be more honest and up front about your relationship to you and to others.

You sound like you are just cruising along with no definite relationship status.

Having read this thread and the ops updates I feel more and more like the daughters behavior may be a trauma response. You said she says hello but doesn't go out of the way to chat or socialise with you (does she even want the gifts?)

I am a bit like that with my mum's partner ( I am 30) he seems nice enough and we exchange plesantries but I am wary and he is shy. In my case its because I watched my mum and sisters abused by my father and then step father for all of my childhood and I am subsequently extremely wary of men, and frankly do not trust my mothers judgement.

This woman has grown up watching her father abused and living with abuse itself. She will be wary of you, and wary of her fathers judgement too.

I think the best thing to do would be to set the relationship to her terms, exchanges hellos, don't exchange presents and back off a bit. If she warms up to you then great.

He's said the flat is hers as in he will leave it to her or let her stay there if he's with me

So if he was "with you", would she then be paying all the bills for the flat ... and if not, could he afford to keep "her" place going while still sharing costs with you?
Or does he somehow expect that you'll keep him while he keeps her??

Overall I'd say that discussion everyone's mentioned is well overdue

It’s very hard to understand any relationship from the outside. And some of what she is seeing is concerning her.
You’ve said that her df discussed relationship problems with her when you were having difficulties. And that she has been concerned about how you spoke to him on the phone when you had a disagreement.

You are both people coming together after a history with difficult and abusive relationships and maybe (it’s impossible for us to judge) there might be patterns that seep through, despite your best efforts that are concerning.

She’s bound to be over sensitive to conflict. But is it possible that she has genuine grounds to be concerned and be so protective of her df?

I’m not suggesting that you’re intentionally abusive, or even unintentionally abusive but maybe you both could benefit from learning better ways to relate to each other under stress?

It sounds to me that your DP and his DD desperately need therapy.

He really needs to deal with everything before getting into a relationship. I would cool things with him until he's spent time in therapy.

You've become a part of their dysfunction and it's clearly affecting you.

Yes agree with all of this. I think with all the will in the world no relationship is without conflict and I don't consider one disagreement on a phone over three years unreasonable or abusive.
Come to think of it I've been to his flat around about 5 times in a year mainly due to lockdown restrictions etc.
So his DD hasn't had to have much interaction with me.
Her DD is one of those people who is too kind hearted and could be taken advantage of for instance I damaged my car he wanted to pay half but I wouldn't allow that. I think she's concerned for her DD which is only natural. I think he's very kind and giving and his ex was pretty ruthless had him doing all the housework cooking cleaning. So they have their own issues.
On the surface it's his DD not wanting to engage with me but it runs much deeper than that

So on the living together thing, your DP is already mortgaged on the flat which his DD will stay in, so you would be paying and legally responsible for any future shared property?

I'm not sure about that. Had discussed living together marriage etc but neither of us are in a great rush. But if we do take that step will have to think about how it's going to work.
I'm. Mortgage free and love my space so need to protect my assets. My DD is only 16 and she lives with me so nothing will be happening yet.

That is very sensible. There is too much to untangle here to risk your assets. Whether it is your role to untangle is another matter. In my experience of volatile, dysfunctional families, it takes a good while to straighten out and you cannot change that.