My DP has a DD who I do not get on with.

[Ilovetheseventies]

I don't live with my DP but have been seeing him for three years. His DD also lives with him in his flat, she is 27.
When I visit I am lucky if I get a hello. She's never been that chatty but its become pretty obvious that she doesn't like me. I've bought her presents and on the last few occasions such as Xmas and birthdays she hasn't even said thanks.
She doesn't get on with her mother as she has been very abusive to her and to my DP for years.
I feel as if I should say something to my DP but he's either oblivious to it or is embarrassed or just trying to avoid the situation.
I think saying something isn't going to change anything but it's a shame that we cannot get on better.
A few months ago my DP and I fell out, she saw that he was upset and he had discussed our relationship with her which I'm not sure was such a good idea. I think from what he was saying it was a pretty level headed discussion but I can't help but think she's taken his side. I can understand feeling protective towards your dad.
I'm wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation?

Yes Meggymoo777 that's the solution. I've enough with my own children to think about. I think it will make matters worse if I do much else.

You’ve passed judgement on here about her living ‘rent free’ so I imagine she might sense your disapproval in real life.

I havent discussed her living rent free to her or her DD but I know a few of his friends have!
She's borrowed alot of money off him but that's up to him too.

Yeah I don't think it's up to you to confront her, it would be a waste of time. Just say to your DP that you can tell she doesn't like you so he needs to either speak to her about it or he can come to you from now on. If she's 27 she will hopefully be living independently soon, which I imagine will improve your relationship with her.

They're close. She is protective of him as they have been through a lot together. I would expect he's protective of her too so you need to a) pretend you havent noticed she doesn't like you and continue to be kind or b) tell him you're worried she doesnt like you and ask his advice on how to win her over. If you try to confront her over her behaviour i think it will blow up and if he has to choose between you I'm betting he will chose her, as any parent would, so be careful. I also think you need to cut her some slack. Having an abusive mother is incredibly painful and damaging. Her not saying hello or chatting is not THAT bad, if that's all she does you should get over it a bit, sorry. She doesnt owe you her time or compansionship just because you are dating her dad. She also has every right to support her father when you two argue.

I don't understand her exact crime. She furnished this place with her dad, so this was very much intentionally her home. They are essentially flat mates.

She greets you, and doesn't chat. Many people are like this, or suffer through an awkward 2 minute chat they don't want to have before possibly retiring to their room or carrying on with what they were doing.

She chooses not to pretend to be familiar. It's her home as well and her safe space. Her father has invited you, she hasn't, she may also be uncomfortable with your presence in her home and safe space too.

Do you want her to chat to you? I wouldn't be offended if someone didn't want to talk to me, but gave perfunctory greetings. She may have social anxiety, she may not, she may just want to come home and switch off and relax like most people do. What would make her not rude to you, bearing in mind it is her home and thinking how you would want to be in your home but have to deal with a guest your flatmate invited that you don't have a personal relationship with.

I would stop buying her gifts to stop any feelings of resentment as she clearly does not want to be friends.

I don't wish to be friends with her I just don't want an atmosphere that's all. Having come from a difficult childhood myself I can appreciate not having a mother around.
There isn't going to be a situation where my DP has to choose I wouldn't do that.and of course I'd expect them to choose their child over me.
Of course she's committed no crime rudeness is not a crime. Someone who doesn't say hello or only answers if you do they don't engage in any conversation and only speak to their Dad. Has anyone here who has given advice actually experienced this? If it continues like this then effectively there's no relationship for us. My DP will be interacting with her on his own.
This is his DD who could be getting married having children he will be interacting with others and have a life long commitment to his DD so what do I do about that.
He comes to mine my children like him interact with him I'm not sure how he would feel if it was the other way round.

Ok you can either go on with the status quo or say something. You could talk to her father. But she may see this as manipulation as her mother will surely have manipulated her. He has probably already done so tbh. My take would be if you want something to be said to her, you should say it and I get that will be very awkward.

I agree with RootyT00t she is probably very damaged and just because she is an adult, it doesn’t mean she can handle adult relationships. I’d think the opposite, scared inner child seems to be dominating here. So if you do say anything, appeal to her as though she’s an upset teen and perhaps say that you are wondering if she feels awkward when you come in her home, you are sorry if that is the case, you love her dad very much and can see he loves her too. You are ok if she doesn’t want to talk to you much and you know her dad is there to support her and you are there to support him.

It sounds as though she’s been judged and seen her father judged far too much. The last thing she needs is his father’s partner judging her.

Have to play this down I think and not let it bother me. I didn't want to say I was uncomfortable at his and the reason why so I don't go there much. He is usually at mine at the weekends. Just have to see what happens.

Ilovetheseventies I have experienced it yes, with a much younger DSC though and she was being properly rude to me. Called me a fat cow amongst other things. In the end the relationship ended over it, as Disney Dad ex refused to discipline her properly.

Try to see it from the DD's point of view - someone she doesn't like regularly entering her space and expecting a joyous welcome and conversation. I'd find it unbearable! She's not actually being rude to you, she just doesn't want to interact with you and that's not a crime.

Best for everyone if you just get him to come to yours. You also don't understand her relationship with her dad, whether she's had bad experiences with his previous girlfriends, what her mum is saying to her etc. Yes she is an adult woman but we're all unreasonable sometimes and have our pressure points.

Just to add - I really do think things will improve when she moves out and you're only interacting when she's agreed to it and is in 'social mode'.

Bit different but me and my mum fought like cats and dogs when we lived at home, now that I've moved out we're best friends! People don't like forced interactions where they're meant to feel relaxed.

Try to see it from the DD's point of view - someone she doesn't like regularly entering her space and expecting a joyous welcome and conversation. I'd find it unbearable! She's not actually being rude to you, she just doesn't want to interact with you and that's not a crime.

This!

And yes have experienced similar. Your DC like your DP and interact with him because they LIKE him. They are making a conscious decision to do something because they enjoy his company.

She may not or honestly doesn't like you and shouldn't be forced into a conversation or interaction for your sake. Noone should.

As long as she says hi, I wouldn't be bothered or expect more. Yes you may marry her dad, but that is a decision between the two of you. Children especially adult children don't have to have a huge carry on and act like one big happy family. I daresay most adult children do not consider a step parent who married their parent when they were adults as a step parent or see step siblings as siblings as they are not a blended family and tend to just view their father's wife as exactly that.

I wouldn't be bothered if I were you. I think your expectations may be a little unrealistic. Children don't get a say who is in their parents life as a partner and are often forced to endure relationships they don't want or wouldn't choose themselves. Adults have the benefit of being able to separate themselves from their parents relationships if they choose to do so.

I just wouldn't take it personally, you just don't get on

Yes agree with all that's said I might add for one reason or another he has mainly been at mine. Not been there much at all. I can see how having someone else in his life other than his ex is difficult or could be for her. He hadn't had any girlfriends before me so she's only had the experience of him and me together.
Just going to forget about it.

The other thing I was dreading after lock down was us all going out for a meal together as my DP had suggested.
Is there anything wrong in his DD and I not really spending anytime together?
Not being close. Takes the pressure off really.

I suppose I had an idea about how my relationship should be and not how it is but hey I'm not going out with him for his DD.

It's not your standard disrespectful DSC situation with her being 27. He can't really tell her off. If you're his first girlfriend then she may well just resent the disruption and there's literally nothing you can do about that except not take it personally and leave her to it.

Have you been for meals with her before?

No been on a night out once that's it

Could you mention to your DH that you feel like his daughter has been different towards you since he discussed your argument with her or ask that doesn’t discuss your relationship with her again as it’s affecting your relationship with her - that way you are showing that you care about your relationship with her and not blaming her. And also, it’s true, he shouldn’t be doing that!

How was she towards you on the night out?

I just wouldn’t go to his place. But maybe that’s what she wants.

Her dad will most likely be her world, her everything, and so you'll be a threat. She may also generally have a difficult time relating to older women. She'll be struggling with this. If your relationship with her felt strong enough to approach her you could just name it/acknowledge it but not ask for questions/tell her you want things to be different, just empathise x

Yvanka, spoke very little despite trying.

To be honest op, I would ask your dp to come to you from now on. If he asks why, just say you feel like perhaps his daughter would appreciate her own space, and if he pushes it further, you could say how you feel she doesn't seem to be very comfortable around you so it might be better to see each other in a different environment.

And then see her occasionally when you need to and hopefully over time, she will get used to the idea, and if/when she moves out and gets her own place, she might not feel so protective of her dad and her home.

I may just drop the subject in gently and say your DD is awfully quiet is she like that alot or is it me?
Not too accusational, I know he will say its not me and she likes me, that's what he maintains but its letting him know that I know.

From the daughters point of view:

She’s had this woman thrust upon her, forced to spend time with her in her own home where really it should be a safe place, especially if she’s experienced abuse from the one who’s meant to be the protector. Maybe she doesn’t want to have another woman in her life, maybe she doesn’t want to get to know anyone else. Maybe she’s scared for her father.

I can’t say I’ve suffered abuse but I have certainly been ‘the daughter’ in this situation, my DF has spent the last 11 years with a horrible hag of a woman who has taken him for granted since the moment they met. She made my life hell living with DF and was very openly jealous of our relationship. I won’t go into her faults because it would be a long post but our whole family despises her, she has no friends and has had legal disputes at every place of employment since I’ve known her - a real rotten apple.

What I’m saying is, I am forced to be polite to this person I hate if I want a relationship with my father and it stinks. She would be everywhere I turned when I lived there and I couldn’t just get away unless I went to my room, who wants to live in their bedroom. I loved out when I’d saved for a house when I was 25, she’d been trying to get my bedroom since I was 19 years old a year after she moved in. The day after I loved out she swapped rooms, the dust hadn’t even settled

I’m not saying you’re an arse hole but it’s not nice having a person thrust upon you that you may/may not get on with. I’m insular and she maybe too. One day she won’t live there and it’ll probably be different.