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Original poster

Best time to tell the guy I'm seeing that I'm a virgin?

144 replies

Violumpet · 03/02/2021 20:52

I've been really thinking about it and I think it's important that he knows that I have really no experience at all. I just can't seem to find the right moment in conversation. The only time it would have seemed semi-natural to tell him there was a woman sitting right beside us clearly eariewigging.

TBH I think he must suspect.

Would it be dreadful to do it via whatsapp?!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 03/02/2021 20:56

It would be strange to do it via WhatsApp. I don’t think you need to tell him. It sounds like you’re making a bit of a mountain out of it. Or wait until you’re getting closer to doing the deed.

Embarrasedaf · 03/02/2021 20:58

How old are you?

I don’t think you have to make an announcement or a big deal about it, just say “I’ve never done this before” in the moment. Hopefully he’ll just show you how it’s done and be gentle

Embarrasedaf · 03/02/2021 20:58

To clarify, I mean say that during the deed

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 21:00

I wouldn't tell him at all until you are planning on sleeping together.

Certainly not in early dating stages. There are creeps out there that will take it as a challenge so best not to say until it's definately relevant.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 03/02/2021 21:01

It does depend how old you are. 18 probably wouldn’t be massively surprising, 45 might be quite a shock!

Original poster
Violumpet · 03/02/2021 21:01
  1. I probably am making too much of it... it's not something I'm particularly comfortable with it.

Is in the moment ok?! I thought it would be a bit of a mood killer!

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 03/02/2021 21:03

How long have you been dating and how old are you? I mean do you think you're unusual to be a virgin at your age? I agree with others, this doesn't have to be a big thing.

You could even just casually mention you don't have much experience when you're kissing or what not. Remember you shouldn't feel pressured to have sex if you don't feel comfortable or ready.

AlternativePerspective · 03/02/2021 21:03

How old are you?

TBH I wouldn’t bring it up right now, but I do think your age could potentially make a difference to the reaction.

There’s a thread on here right now from a woman whose BF is 46 and still a virgin, and a lot of posters are sighting that as a red flag.

Embarrasedaf · 03/02/2021 21:03

I’m not going to lie, it’s probably not going to be the best sex he’s ever had as you won’t know what you’re doing, but it won’t be the worst either. (You’ll soon become more experienced and have better sex btw)

trunumber · 03/02/2021 21:04

Are you planning on sleeping with him? You could do it in that conversation (presumably you'll have to be quiet explicit about planning to sleep together as you would have to plan where and when)

AhNowTed · 03/02/2021 21:05

I think in the moment too.

It's far more common now I believe.

SmileyClare · 03/02/2021 21:05

Ah ok so you're 31. Do you have any experience in that department? Perhaps just go with the flow and try not to build this up into a Big Reveal. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to.

Original poster
Violumpet · 03/02/2021 21:06

I don't feel quite ready to sleep with him yet. I think he is keen. He's offered for me to stay over.

I am very nervous about it and I think I'll just need to grit my teeth and do it or else I'll never 'feel ready'.

OP posts:
Norwester · 03/02/2021 21:06

If this is not someone you are planning to have a relationship with: anytime before sex, or never, whatever you please. Although I would suggest that if you aren't okay talking about sex, you shouldn't be having it.

But if you want more than just sex with him, then yes you need to tell him in person.

peanutbuttermilkshake · 03/02/2021 21:07

Would you like him to know? 100% understandable if you do, and if so then I’d agree to tell him closer to actually having sex.

If you don’t especially want him to know but are worried he’ll realise when you have sex, I’d go with a PP and say something vague along the lines of ‘I haven’t had much experience’ or ‘I haven’t done anything like this in quite a while so can we take it slow?’

The choice is yours OP, try not to overthink it too much Flowers If he’s a dick about it then at least you know before you have sex with him!

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 21:07

Oh that's interesting. I actually dont think I would tell him tbh then. Just say its been a long time.

Original poster
Violumpet · 03/02/2021 21:07

Absolutely zero experience.

OP posts:
Embarrasedaf · 03/02/2021 21:08

Would you feel more comfortable if he came over to yours?

You don’t have to answer, but do you have a physiological apprehension to sex or is there a physical issue perhaps that has stopped you before? Just wondering as maybe your GP could help, there’s plenty of advice online Smile

WhoseThatGirl · 03/02/2021 21:09

I think if your not comfortable enough to tell him you are a virgin then you are not comfortable enough to have sex with him yet. It doesn’t have to be a big deal but if it is a big deal that’s okay too.

Embarrasedaf · 03/02/2021 21:09

Physiological should say psychological

SmileyClare · 03/02/2021 21:12

Gritting your teeth and doing it is probably not a good approach! If he's at all perceptive and cares how you feel, then he'll respect that you're a bit nervous and want to take it slowly.

I was quite drunk when I lost my virginity which does loosen inhibitions. And perhaps this is a bit graphic but presumably you know your own body, what turns you on, and have achieved orgasm on your own? If not, get practicing at home Wink

Original poster
Violumpet · 03/02/2021 21:13

No physical issues. I'm just not very tactile, I'm prone to over thinking and I do feel like a complete freak. A bit of a perfect storm I suppose. My GP clearly thought I was lying about sex when I told her I didn't need a smear test, so I'd rather not go down that route again.

It's been 6 months, so I do feel I owe him some sort of honesty.

OP posts:
MumUndone · 03/02/2021 21:14

If you're likely to have sex with him you absolutely have to tell him.

picklemewalnuts · 03/02/2021 21:15

Don't grit your teeth and do it, please!

I'd suggest when you are getting closer, you let him know you've not dated much. Try and arrange things so you get close and have a bit of light flirting/petting first. What you want to happen is that you enjoy that so much you are looking forward to getting more privacy and taking it further.

This should be something you want to do, s9mething you are looking forward to. I'm not saying that from a rose spectacled romantic perspective, just a practical one. You'll enjoy it much more if you've built up to it.

When we were young, we dated and petted as much as we could, and had built up a hell of a lot of frustration and enthusiasm before we got the chance to act on it. That's what I'd aim for, if I were you.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/02/2021 21:16

It's been 6 months, so I do feel I owe him some sort of honesty.

Six months! Yes, op, it's high time you deal with this. If you end up unwilling to have a normal sexual relationship with him, he needs to know and soon. This isn't very fair to him.

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