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Original poster

Best time to tell the guy I'm seeing that I'm a virgin?

144 replies

Violumpet · 03/02/2021 20:52

I've been really thinking about it and I think it's important that he knows that I have really no experience at all. I just can't seem to find the right moment in conversation. The only time it would have seemed semi-natural to tell him there was a woman sitting right beside us clearly eariewigging.

TBH I think he must suspect.

Would it be dreadful to do it via whatsapp?!

OP posts:
Wilma55 · 03/02/2021 22:01

Have you thought about contraception if you do go ahead?

RichardMarxisinnocent · 03/02/2021 22:05

@GreySkyClouds

You’re 31. When have you told people between the ages of 16 and 30??
Perhaps there wasn't anyone between the ages of 16 and 30, so nobody to tell anything to. For me there was nobody between 16 and 42 (and nobody before 16 either).
Original poster
Violumpet · 03/02/2021 22:05

Has sex never come up as a discussion in all that time?

No. We were socially distanced for the first 3 months.

My best friend knows through default but I’ve never needed to tell anyone else. I’ve never dated 🤷🏽‍♀️

I don’t really want to go down the hormonal contraceptive route.

OP posts:
OversharingNameChange · 03/02/2021 22:12

Are you sure you're a sexual person? You don't have to answer on the thread.

I was in the same situation a few years ago, a virgin in my mid thirties. I did have sex eventually but my lack of libido caused issues in the relationship. Once you've had sex, your partner will then expect to have it on a regular basis and you have to decide how you feel about that and what you'll do if your expectations do not match.

After a couple more relationships and a lot of herapy I've come to realise that I am asexual. I'm glad in a way that I did experience having sex but it's not something I ever want to do again.

Jesskir89 · 03/02/2021 22:13

I would tell him op most decent men would respect and like that about you. I wish I was a virgin till I met dh so good on you! I envy people who have 1 sequel partner all their lives must be nice

OversharingNameChange · 03/02/2021 22:13

Ahem, that should obviously be therapy.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 03/02/2021 22:14

@Violumpet

Has sex never come up as a discussion in all that time?

No. We were socially distanced for the first 3 months.

My best friend knows through default but I’ve never needed to tell anyone else. I’ve never dated 🤷🏽‍♀️

I don’t really want to go down the hormonal contraceptive route.

Similar to me, my best friend knew by default. I did go on 3 first dates but no second dates so no need to tell anyone.

I told my DP fairly early on, but I had known him a while before we started dating. We'd kissed a lot and been semi naked together and I was worried he'd expect things to progress further and I either wouldn't feel ready or wouldn't have a clue how to have sex. I ended up telling him in the middle of the night in the dark as it felt like such an embarrassing thing to tell someone. He was absolutely fine with it, and didn't even appear shocked.

ivegotthisyeah · 03/02/2021 22:21

I would say it to him with confidence alike your proud that you haven't spelt around and that's it's your choice

ivegotthisyeah · 03/02/2021 22:22

Posted too soon
Your proud of the fact your saving it for the right person don't be ashamed or embarrassed by it

chocatoo · 03/02/2021 22:24

I think you should tell him in advance if possible. I think face to face is best when you see each other. Just be really honest and say what you've said here. I really hope it works out brilliantly for you.
Go for it girl!
I would be lovely to hear some feedback to know that it went ok. Remember the first time might not be the best. Practice makes perfect ;-)

SunshineCake · 03/02/2021 22:33

@Embarrasedaf

I’m not going to lie, it’s probably not going to be the best sex he’s ever had as you won’t know what you’re doing, but it won’t be the worst either. (You’ll soon become more experienced and have better sex btw)
It's not just about his experience !
PTH20 · 03/02/2021 22:38

This reply has been deleted

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toocold54 · 03/02/2021 22:39

I would say that most guys would really like this. Many men are put off if a female has slept with lots of men so I wouldn’t feel embarrassed about telling him.

It all depends on how far in the relationship you are and how open you are with them. If you have quite open conversations over text then I don’t see any problem saying it over text - if he is a bit taken back then it will be less awkward for you both too.

WunWun · 03/02/2021 22:43

@PTH20

You sound very juvenile. Not sure you sound ready for sex or even for the beginning for a relationship I’m afraid
Oh shut up.

You don't sound juvenile in the slightest, OP.

QuimReaper · 03/02/2021 22:45

I'm very surprised by the people saying not to tell him until afterwards - my first time I kept having to stop. I really wouldn't give yourself the extra anxiety of being scared to ask him to slow down.

PottedCrab · 03/02/2021 22:47

I was 29. I just didn’t have particularly good self esteem I don’t think. I didn’t tell the guy, though I said It had been ages, there was blood. I rode horses a lot when I was younger so that really surprised me. I was just pleased to get it out of the way.

toocold54 · 03/02/2021 22:48

I'm very surprised by the people saying not to tell him until afterwards - my first time I kept having to stop. I really wouldn't give yourself the extra anxiety of being scared to ask him to slow down

Yes please tell him beforehand OP!

The first time is often a chance for a guy to ‘show off’ which you really don’t want your first time.

Scalphelp · 03/02/2021 22:51

I would say that most guys would really like this. Many men are put off if a female has slept with lots of men

I disagree. Men don’t really care if their woman has “slept around” if they’re otherwise compatible. It’s normal for a 30 year old to have had several previous partners.

Men like partners who know what to do in the bedroom and know what they like, as opposed to someone just lying down and being static. In my opinion only weird, possessive men prefer virgins.

4Mongrels · 03/02/2021 22:54

I would just have a couple of drinks and do it!

Do you masturbate and bring yourself to orgasm? Knowing what you like and how your body feels will help.

oakleaffy · 03/02/2021 22:54

@Violumpet

I've been really thinking about it and I think it's important that he knows that I have really no experience at all. I just can't seem to find the right moment in conversation. The only time it would have seemed semi-natural to tell him there was a woman sitting right beside us clearly eariewigging.

TBH I think he must suspect.

Would it be dreadful to do it via whatsapp?!

He will be delighted!

My partner was really pleased {I was 20}...It is an asset, nothing to be ashamed of. {It was through angst and fear that I left it so late.

Tell him in person, not over What's App.

But make sure he will respect you /contraception &c.

oakleaffy · 03/02/2021 22:58

@PTH20

You sound very juvenile. Not sure you sound ready for sex or even for the beginning for a relationship I’m afraid
Nonsense!

Many people have various reasons for choosing not to have sex til later on.

Amazingly, men too can be virgins while in their 20's too.

Not 'Immature' at all.

Embarrasedaf · 03/02/2021 22:58

I think I would have a couple of drinks for the first time too. Just so you’re a little bit tipsy, ie more confident and relaxed rather than fully intoxicated

DNHandTNS · 03/02/2021 23:02

6 MONTHS? Most red blooded males would be champing at the bit.
How do you know hes not gay?

You dont sound turned on by him and maybe hes not by you. Maybe youre just friends who dont have any sexual chemistry. Dont force yourself to have sex just because youre 31. Its just numbers. Wait til you meet someone who you have real chemistry with. It's not good thinking of sex as a box to be ticked...Unless there is real passion and love you won't enjoy it and if you don't enjoy it you might regret losing your virginity to someone mediocre.

Lydia777 · 03/02/2021 23:08

@Scalphelp

I would say that most guys would really like this. Many men are put off if a female has slept with lots of men

I disagree. Men don’t really care if their woman has “slept around” if they’re otherwise compatible. It’s normal for a 30 year old to have had several previous partners.

Men like partners who know what to do in the bedroom and know what they like, as opposed to someone just lying down and being static. In my opinion only weird, possessive men prefer virgins.

This.

What an awful, misogynistic comment. Ugh, I couldn't ever be with a man who thought that way about women-Madonna/Whore complex springs to mind!

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 03/02/2021 23:11

People who are falling virginity an “asset” or a thrill for men, how very medieval of you