Best time to tell the guy I'm seeing that I'm a virgin?

[Violumpet]

I've been really thinking about it and I think it's important that he knows that I have really no experience at all. I just can't seem to find the right moment in conversation. The only time it would have seemed semi-natural to tell him there was a woman sitting right beside us clearly eariewigging.

TBH I think he must suspect.

Would it be dreadful to do it via whatsapp?!

OP have you had any sexual experiences at all? Have you made out with him, have you done oral sex? Do you masturbate regularly? Have you ahem thought of him while doing it?

Those are all the gateway steps to sex, the kind of things you might want to do to get comfortable. It doesn’t have to be all “bam” out of nowhere.

But do tell him. And try to get comfortable talking about sex with him. It is a bit awkward that this hasn’t even been discussed yet—does your relationship have any sexual element? Even flirtation? I can’t imagine dating a guy for 2 weeks without having at least some banter about sex, or some suggestive comments!

Let him know ahead of time. It will be uncomfortable the first time (maybe a few times after that) but being able to have a bit of a giggle and prep for any blood makes things less scary.

If you use any kind of penetrative sex toy or do horse back riding you may not have a hymen anymore, but be aware (sorry TMI warning) losing my hymen made my discharge more noticeable!

Also would suggest working up to the big event by going through the bases and trying to get more comfortable with them, avoid jumping in headfirst. And remember there's absolutely no reason to have sex other than you wanting to!

@WhoseThatGirl

I think if your not comfortable enough to tell him you are a virgin then you are not comfortable enough to have sex with him yet. It doesn’t have to be a big deal but if it is a big deal that’s okay too.

This. ^

I was 31 when I had sex for the time.

I really think you should tell your BF. There is no way that my first experience would have been as good had I not told my guy and actually it would have made for an awkward but necessary conversation in the middle of things when something didn’t go quite to plan! As it was we could laugh about it.

Honestly I really think that if you’re too nervous to say anything that it would be a bad idea just to go ahead.

I was in this situation at 27. I waited until things were heating up then whispered in his ear that I’d never done it. Wasn’t a major issue. He stopped and made sure that I was happy to continue abs reassured me that I was totally in control and we could stop at any stage.

So, based on my experience, I would say just mention it in the moment.

FWIW, we married eighteen months after than and have now been together for nearly 12 years!

@PTH20

You sound very juvenile. Not sure you sound ready for sex or even for the beginning for a relationship I’m afraid

Helpful 🙄

For what it's worth...

My DH was a virgin when we met aged 32. Sometimes for whatever reason it just doesn't happen for some people when everyone around them starts doing it.

I had guessed before we slept together that he was at least very inexperienced. It was just obvious to me from how nervous and awkward he was with anything physical. We were 5 dates in before he even kissed me! He never brought it up at all (and I was tactful enough not to ask) until we were literally in bed taking our clothes off and then he just blurted out "I've never done this before". I just said "It's ok, I kind of guessed" and we carried on. A few years later we are married and trying for a baby.

If I had been in my 20s instead of my 30s then maybe it would have put me off, I probably would have assumed he didn't fancy me when he didn't kiss me after the first date. But the good thing about your 30s is that you tend to have gained a little perspective about what's really important.

If this guy has stuck around for 6 months without sex, I would say he really likes you and he has probably already figured you are inexperienced. As to telling him or not telling him - it's your call but it wouldn't have bothered me either way to know beforehand or after the fact, because I liked him and I could tell that he was genuine. Caring that much about someone's virginity or lack thereof is either a) juvenile or b) medieval. I'd like to think in our 30s we are all past the teen movie obsession with who has lost it and who hasn't.

Also - from what I recall of losing my own virginity - there is such a thing as overthinking it! If you feel comfortable with this guy and you want to make a go of it with him, just go for it, if that's what you want. Good luck 😊

I think you need to be more open and honest with this man. And that includes not pretending to enjoy sex with him if you find out you don't. There is a danger you'll go against your own feelings, start a sexual relationship because you want children and both end up in an unhappy sexless partnership after a few years.

So I think be honest with not only him, but yourself.

Is this what you want? Don't just view sex as a means to keep a partner and have children.

Try to work out what your barriers have been so far in forming a relationship and having sex. Is it just extreme shyness or lack of confidence? (which can be resolved with the right partner) or are there more deep rooted issues (religious upbringing, a phobia, or perhaps a non existent libido?)

Of course you may find out that you've awakened a whole new sexual side to yourself and really enjoy it.

In a good relationship you will feel comfortable enough to share your insecurities and show your vulnerability. You're still young enough to find that if you're not feeling it with this man.

what's the rush.
why not wait until you meet your life partner.
do you think this is him.
i doubt it from what you say.
don't do it just for the sake of doing it.

I didn't have sex til I was 28, I think a lot of people don't really understand how difficult it is to talk about because it is unusual and you feel like the older you get the harder it is.

You do need to tell him I think. It hurt a lot for my first time but I think I chose the wrong bloke to do it with. He pretended to be kind and caring but to be honest I think he was one of those who saw it as a challenge and he was an all round awful person and the sex never got any better. I wish I'd waited a couple of years until I met my now fiance.

If your partner is kind, respectful, understanding and makes you feel safe, then I think it's a pretty good idea to tell him ahead of time in the dark. If he's not, don't have sex with him.

Don't overthink it. Sex should be enjoyable and many times it is a bit awkward when it's the first time with anyone.

Enjoy the kissing and take it from there. And don't worry about experience, it is very simple. You kiss, touch, stroke, be touched, do more of what you think the other person likes, make it known if you like what the other person is doing and enjoy.

Don't wait until just before the inevitable moment. I had an experience with a lady that had a lot of scar tissue down there and normal penetrative sex was all but impossible for her. She told me just at the point of entry and burst in to tears. You really must tell the guy beforehand so you can both be prepared and ensure that you can go slowly at a pace your comfortable with.

You could wait until you know it's going to happen imminently, or deal with it in advance. I didn't lose mine until I was 19 going on 20 and bf was mid 20s and very experienced. We were having a kiss and cuddle one night and I just told him and wanted him just to understand and take time. He ended up taking me away for a weekend in a lovely hotel in the Lakes and losing my virginity was a lovely memorable experience and which my first time I was relaxed and enjoyed, thanks to him really knowing what to do....included a lot of massage and touching and I've never felt so ready as I did then

If the relationship is starting to get serious, then I would just WhatsApp him like you have suggested. There's no harm in being honest early on. He will understand you don't feel comfortable about announcing it in person.

I think saying it just as you are about to sleep together would be a bit of a shock 2 seconds before he's about to pop it in (couldn't think of a better phrase this morning)

I haven't RTFT but I would say don't put pressure on yourself about this. Don't feel you have to tell him at all. If you think you want to tell him then do so when you feel comfortable. You don't need to give him a reason why you're not ready to sleep with him straight away and you don't need to explain anything but if I were you I think I'd want him to know beforehand.

If it's a situation where you definitely don't plan to have sex with him for a reason eg religious then you should tell him.

Not everyone IS sexual. What if, you're asexual and have attracted a man who is also Asexual. If you're happy as you are, why change?

(I'm not speaking from experience, but am aware of Asexuality) OP, don't feel pressurized to do what others seem to be doing. You can become a mother by AI. There are many options, but don't compare yourself. Just do you and do what makes you happy.

Being a virgin later than others doesn't suggest OP is asexual; sometimes it just doesn't happen for various reasons! I was very shy, had been sexually assaulted so was extremely wary of men and had a relatively late start. I was embarrassed and didn't want to feel more vulnerable so just dropped hints that I was very inexperienced, rather than admitting the full truth, but like a previous poster I do think it's a good idea to be at least somewhat open about it. I brought it up in the context of talking about contraception - saying that I'd never been on the pill before. You could bring it up, for instance, if you're making plans to stay together overnight.

OP, do you want to have sex? It's actually ok to not want to. Please don't view sex as something you have to endure and grit your teeth through.
You honestly really don't have to want sex. And I'm worried you sound so despondent about it. Like its something you HAVE to do.
So what do you want?

I wanted to sleep with my first partner, but my first time was still a big deal and felt like I was jumping in at the deep end: there had been such a long run-up, and the male body was a big unknown to me so I was worried about looking stupid in comparison with other women my age. I felt really worried about being with a much more experienced man who might expect more from me than if we had both been young virgins. As a result, the first time did feel like a barrier I had to overcome. Is that an experience that people who started at a "normal" age can't relate to at all? Did it not feel like a really big deal?

(I should add for OP that actually it was all fine, didn't even hurt and my partner was simply delighted to be having sex )

RavenMum I know because I had similar experiences, but it is also worth exploring the many possibilities so that OP can feel assured in who she is and wants to be, rather than feeling she has to have sex if she doesn't feel the urge.
Some people do have sex just for babymaking , but babies can be made other ways if you aren't comfortable. Just wanted to take the pressure off. Don't have sex unless you LUST after the person, it doesn't matter if that doesn't happen until you are 70. Everyone is different

I would say that most guys would really like this. Many men are put off if a female has slept with lots of men

I put this comment on.

Firstly, I have many male friends who are very open with me - more so than a boyfriend/husband who doesn’t want to say something that hurts your feelings and they all say that a girl who sleeps around is definitely more of a turn off than someone who doesn’t.

As a female I feel the exact same way about a man - I would much prefer they were a virgin/only slept with a couple than having sex with anything that moves. As a 30 year old I am realistic and would expect a pretty high number so wouldn’t judge them unless it’s a few hundred.

It is very naive of PPs on here to think that some people want their partners to be virgins. It is not because the man is sick in the head but many religions, illnesses, just not being ready can cause a person of any age and either sex to be a virgin and want their partner to be one too.

For those who disagree and don’t mind men like this than that is fair enough and ofcourse your call. But I have found the majority of both men and women unconsciously find it more attractive the fewer people you have slept with. I don’t agree that a man needs to have a female who knows what she’s doing as all sexual partners are different anyway.

Secondly, of course some men will be repulsed that a female is a virgin over the age of 18 - but that is very few and considering that OP is on here for support I am not going to focus on that. And for PPs to suggest that there is anything wrong with being a virgin are deluded.

I was an older virgin and told him early on but we were talking about past relationships.

We took things slowly, kissing, touching, hand jobs, blowjobs until I felt comfortable but I had self pleasured, used vibrators so i don't think had a hymen and I didn't bleed.

Obviously COVID has made things harder, with physical contact. If your completely inexperienced without self pleasure, I would tell him and take it slowly and if your thinking just get it over with. It will not be good, you need to be in the mood!

But only do it when your ready, if you can't talk about sex with him, your not ready.

@Scalphelp,

'Men like partners who know what to do in the bedroom and know what they like, as opposed to someone just lying down and being static. In my opinion only weird, possessive men prefer virgins'

Nice men like partners whom they have something in common with and can enjoy time with. There is no magic about being a sexual guru and wanting to rotate between twenty different positions or about being a virgin.

OP, just relax and be yourself. If your partner is nice, the communication will be natural and sex will soon develop into something mutually fulfilling. How many people you have or have not slept with probably won't matter at all either way.

@TheReluctantPhoenix not sure why you bothered posting that, as I said as much in the rest of my post which you conveniently cropped out.