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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Best time to tell the guy I'm seeing that I'm a virgin?

144 replies

Violumpet · 03/02/2021 20:52

I've been really thinking about it and I think it's important that he knows that I have really no experience at all. I just can't seem to find the right moment in conversation. The only time it would have seemed semi-natural to tell him there was a woman sitting right beside us clearly eariewigging.

TBH I think he must suspect.

Would it be dreadful to do it via whatsapp?!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/02/2021 09:54

This site is entirely made up of anonymous personal experiences... that is basically all it consists of.

Coming on threads to question whether the poster is real is something that Mumsnet specifically asks people not to do. It puts people off offering advice to those who are really in need of advice, and is pointless when the thread is halfway intelligent, as even if the story is made up, the advice and discussion can still be extremely useful. Remember "agony aunt" columns in the newspapers in the olden days? Spolier alert: most of them were made up.

I can't speak for everyone posting their private experiences on this thread, obviously, but I personally don't give a shit whether it is read by a mumsnet user or a daily mail reader. I find the troll hunting a lot more irritating.

sadie9 · 05/02/2021 10:04

Have you any interest in seeing more of his body without clothes, or of being in close contact with his skin? Has that crossed your mind?
What it might be like to have a warm body very close to you. Do you ever think of him in that way?
In other words, are you interested in him in that way...do you get a physical reaction to him when you are with him?
Or when thinking about him later on your own, does your mind go to his body or is it more like you find yourself sort of reviewing his good points like a list on paper?

DNHandTNS · 05/02/2021 13:15

@ravenmum thanks, Im new to the site and didn't know that. Is there a link you can give me of what I can and cannot say?

What I will say though, is if only OP would dedicate as much time to her relationship as MUMSnet then there probably would not be a problem. Also I thought MUMsnet was for MUMS? I can only recall one virgin birth....

ravenmum · 05/02/2021 13:34

www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette
www.mumsnet.com/info/trolls
www.mumsnet.com/info/acronyms
www.mumsnet.com/info/faqs
"Mumsnet is a global online network but most of our users are UK-based. Not everyone who uses Mumsnet is a parent or grandparent, but initially most people come to the site seeking parenting advice – and then stick around discussing a wealth of topics from childcare to chicken-keeping, and nurseries to news."

topspeed · 05/02/2021 13:35

@DNHandTNS you're not very nice are you?

PADH · 05/02/2021 14:38

@DNHandTNS

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Wink

There has been many helpful comments and suggestions already Five pages worth! And still no action.... Hmm Hmm Hmm

I call BS. If you want it that much you would be taking some kind of action. Why don't you put your "money where your mouth is" so to speak?

Maybe she is but isn't posting about it on mumsnet?? Just because someone starts a thread, it doesn't mean they have to give the posters every detail thereafter. OP doesn't owe pps any sort of closure. Advice was asked for, advice was given, end of story. What op does with the advice is no ones business.
Slackbladder22 · 05/02/2021 14:39

Just a few thoughts here from a male perspective;

Some PPs have given good advice. I’d say this breaks down into two parts, things you have to do and things you could do.

Things you have to do are literally nothing. You don’t have to have sex with this bloke and if you decide you want to have sex with him you don’t have to tell him anything. It’s your private information, it’s your business, end of.

On to what you could do if you do decide you want to have sex. I would highly recommend telling him, so you both, but especially you, have a better experience. Given the little info you provided I guess he likes you a lot and I’d be astounded and amazed if he was put off by you being a virgin if that is what is worrying you. I assume you have no idea how many previous partners he’s had, if any. I'd usually say it was a little weird that this hasn't already come up in conversation, but we're living in crazy times!

Looking at it from a male perspective I would definitely change my approach to sex if my partner said she was a virgin. Take things much slower, be more gentle, have different expectations of what might happen and be prepared to guide (assuming he’s had experience) and stop and start when you needed to.

Also maybe the first time you share a bed you don’t have full sex, there are plenty of other fun ways to start things more slowly and maybe you try that? Or even something like having a shower together and using that to explore each others bodies. Obviously, that would involve getting naked so maybe not just yet for you!

But as others have said do what you want and feel comfortable with.

Sex can be (usually is for me at least!) an amazing experience that will bring you much closer together and form a real bond (obviously not guaranteed!), so long as both of you are comfortable with what is happening. Good luck with whatever you decide OP!

PADH · 05/02/2021 14:40

[quote DNHandTNS]@ravenmum thanks, Im new to the site and didn't know that. Is there a link you can give me of what I can and cannot say?

What I will say though, is if only OP would dedicate as much time to her relationship as MUMSnet then there probably would not be a problem. Also I thought MUMsnet was for MUMS? I can only recall one virgin birth....[/quote]
Hmm

DNHandTNS · 05/02/2021 15:22

The truth hurts sometimes.Wink

I'm perfectly nice. I will DNH and TNS though Grin

SmileyClare · 05/02/2021 15:40

I've no idea what you're banging on about DNH (do not hospitalise? Confused) what's wrong with asking mumsnet about a relationship issue, regardless of whether Op is a parent or not. And why are you talking in proverbs?

Op stayed on the thread a couple of hours, hardly "dedicating her time to mumsnet"

Op I think you've had some great advice. I would echo others, take your time, maybe have a couple of drinks and let him know you're not very experienced beforehand. You could start that dialogue by asking him if he's had many previous relationships and the conversation should naturally evolve.

ravenmum · 05/02/2021 15:55

Sorry if anyone has hurt you with their honest criticism, DNH.
Looks like OP has got a few constructive answers anyway.

DNHandTNS · 05/02/2021 16:09

Thanks SmileyClare

I agree with your advice Op I think you've had some great advice. I would echo others, take your time, maybe have a couple of drinks and let him know you're not very experienced beforehand. You could start that dialogue by asking him if he's had many previous relationships and the conversation should naturally evolve.

And I did mean it kindly about OP resolving relationship problems easier by talking to her partner. All we can do is make suggestions and there have been plenty. It won't really get solved without honest discussion with the one person who really matters . ravenmum I'm not offended and didn't mean to offend anyone. Sorry if I did.

toocold54 · 05/02/2021 18:32

I call BS. If you want it that much you would be taking some kind of action. Why don't you put your "money where your mouth is" so to speak?

Are you OPs boyfriend? Grin

Definitely don’t do anything until you are ready if you want to wait 10 more years so he it.
But I do find the more I put something off, the more anxious I get, so I put it off further and it just snowballs.

I agree with the PP to tell him and then stay the night with him but make it clear there will be no sex and just do other things so you start becoming more comfortable around him.

peak2021 · 05/02/2021 19:51

My view is that I think you should tell him before there is any possibility of sex (which of course should be consensual), and face to face. Via text or what's app would be a dreadful way.

BigPaperBag · 05/02/2021 20:42

Don’t worry about it @Violumpet I slept with a guy about 9 years ago who was 35 ish and a virgin. I won’t lie, he kissed like a washing machine and the sex was crap but we took it slowly and he got the hang of it fairly quickly. He did make weird sex noises though 😂 Anyway, point being, it genuinely didn’t bother me that he was a virgin. I was just glad that he felt able to be honest with me so we could take things at his pace.

DNHandTNS · 07/02/2021 00:42

@BigPaperBag that was funny, but honest. Honesty is such a big part of trust, which is essential in a relationship... which brings me back to- if @Violumpet can't talk about the things that bother her with this man, is it actually a relationship or just friends? Lockdown has made everything difficult, I know that. But, intimacy isn't just sex, you know.

AgentJohnson · 07/02/2021 05:13

When you are a virgin, sex is Everest. Sex should happen when you’re ready not because after x amount of time it’s expected. There’s a lot more that you can and probably should do, if you are as nervous as you are, before penetration.

The recommendation of understanding your body first is a good one, only you know what you like and what you don’t. The mechanics of penetration and oral aren’t rocket science, the art is listening, understanding and responding to you and your partner’s wants.

If I was to give the virgin me advice it would be to take my pleasure, literally, into my own hands first. You’d be surprised how little many ‘experienced’ men know or sometimes care, what mutual satisfaction looks like.

DNHandTNS · 07/02/2021 22:36

True. If you @Violumpet don't get familiar and intimate with your own body, how can you expect to feel ready to be intimate with someone else and to share your body with them?

There is lots of helpful advice online. You don't even need a man to be fulfilled. Fulfil yourself! You're better off with no man than the wrong man, anyway. If you can't talk to him, he might be Mr Wrong.

SirVixofVixHall · 07/02/2021 23:14

@toocold54

I'm very surprised by the people saying not to tell him until afterwards - my first time I kept having to stop. I really wouldn't give yourself the extra anxiety of being scared to ask him to slow down

Yes please tell him beforehand OP!

The first time is often a chance for a guy to ‘show off’ which you really don’t want your first time.

I agree with this. Tell him as it might hurt a bit and you might want to stop for a while. I was fairly late too, and actually still ended up being pressured into it so it is good that you are taking your time to get to know him.
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