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Original poster

Best time to tell the guy I'm seeing that I'm a virgin?

144 replies

Violumpet · 03/02/2021 20:52

I've been really thinking about it and I think it's important that he knows that I have really no experience at all. I just can't seem to find the right moment in conversation. The only time it would have seemed semi-natural to tell him there was a woman sitting right beside us clearly eariewigging.

TBH I think he must suspect.

Would it be dreadful to do it via whatsapp?!

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 03/02/2021 21:17

Well you're not a freak. It's not that unusual Op, there really is no need to feel you have something wrong with you.

I have to say, after six months of dating with no sexual contact he must have guessed you're inexperienced? Perhaps he is too? I think this is a conversation to have face to face.

Crosstrainer · 03/02/2021 21:17

It's been 6 months, so I do feel I owe him some sort of honesty.*

6 months? Then, yes, I’m sure it won’t come as a huge surprise to him. And it’s fair to say that he must be very keen on you. I’m going to go against the grain; if you feel easier and happier telling him via text, then do so. You can have a conversation subsequently. Do whatever you’re comfortable with.

Original poster
Violumpet · 03/02/2021 21:18

In my defence, covid and lockdown hasn't helped!

OP posts:
thebigcringe · 03/02/2021 21:18

I was a virgin at 30. I didn’t tell him. I knew by then that having sex was part of dating and I wanted to get it over with. Afterwards I said it ‘had been a while’. We weren’t particularly intimate emotionally and, looking back, I really had no clue and was probably not that good. I can’t say that I wish I’d told him because it would likely have put him off and I didn’t want to have a hugely intense discussion about it.
I then had more emotionally connected relationships and was up front about my inexperience and we worked through stuff together.

bourbonne · 03/02/2021 21:18

I think personally, were I in your shoes, I wouldn't tell him until afterwards (if then). I would be more comfortable that way, just letting him experience me for who I am in the moment, rather than having it be a "thing" in the air between us.

I don't think he will be able to tell - you'll probably find there's not much to it, just follow your instincts and go with it, there's no grand performance you have to put on. It's a cliché but he will mainly just be happy to be having sex with you, not judging or inspecting you.

But if you'd prefer him to know first, then there is better advice in this thread than I can give.

SmileyClare · 03/02/2021 21:20

I agree with a pp, you need lots of build up to sex, lots of dates with touching and physical contact rather going from zero to the full shebang.

Postagequestion · 03/02/2021 21:20

along the lines of ‘I haven’t had much experience’ or ‘I haven’t done anything like this in quite a while so can we take it slow?’

I think this is good advice. I can understand the whole grit your teeth thing. As long as you definitely want to of course.

SimonJT · 03/02/2021 21:21

If you can’t talk about sex with someone you really shouldn’t be having sex with them.

I was older when I decided to have sex for the first time, I was 26, slightly different for me as he knew I hadn’t had sex before we started our relationship as we were friends first. We’d been in a relationship for about four months when we had sex, before this there had been various discussions about sex, I knew what sex meant to him, he knew my views on sex etc.

There is also the option of doing other sexual things, it doesn’t have to be penetrative sex or nothing, there are a variety of things inbetween so you can get to know each others bodies and build a bit of confidence.

Sleepyquest · 03/02/2021 21:22

I'd probably tell him because if you do it, it might be quite unpleasant the first time. My first time was very painful Sad and I couldn't fake that I was having a good time ( I think I probably cried)

thebigcringe · 03/02/2021 21:24

Second exploring your body and knowing what makes you hot. I recommend audio porn and guided masturbation - it gives you an idea of what might happen during sex. NOT video porn which is IMO usually unrealistic. Happy to recommend some positive, female-affirming ones via pm if you would like.

Sparkletastic · 03/02/2021 21:29

I wouldn't tell him - just say that you are inexperienced. Are you sure you want to have sex though? With him or with anyone? Not everyone does and that's completely fine.

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 21:33

Pft sex is never as good as the imagination.

If you've never had the desire to rip his shirt off ect op then I'd advise you to look elsewhere. Not that sex cant be fun but you obviously dont use it that way so dont do it with him if he doesnt get you hot. It's not worth the effort if you arent feeling it.

...but that audio porn sounds swell. Might get some of that myself haha.

chickychicchic · 03/02/2021 21:34

I'm going against the grain here but if you're been seeing him. 6 months I guess it's pretty serious as he's stuck around.

Talk to him so then you can both make your first time that little bit special rather than deceiving him being anxious.

Will also show you the short of person you are dating if he really cares about you he will want to make you feel comfortable.

Toadstool54 · 03/02/2021 21:37

OP sorry if it's too personal but have you ever had an orgasm? Do you have an idea of what you'd like him to do?
I can totally understand just wanting to get it over with but if you've never seen an erect penis before, never touched yourself and got enjoyment from it, I'd suggest you do some research by yourself first Wink
You'll feel so much more confident, and therefore relaxed, and therefore more likely to enjoy it, than if you go into it thinking of it as a thing that needs to be done to you to get rid of the "virgin" label.
And if you see a future with him I would definitely tell him first.

thissemicharmedlife · 03/02/2021 21:37

You don’t have to tell him, ‘i don’t have a huge amount of experience so a bit nervous’ is enough really. I’m surprised it hasn’t naturally come up in conversation in six months though

Original poster
Violumpet · 03/02/2021 21:37

He's the only person so far I'd even consider having sex with. I know that's not really much. I also really would like children so it's an obstacle I have to get over.

OP posts:
Tootshoots · 03/02/2021 21:38

Wow didn't know audio porn was a thing! Any recommendations?

Tootshoots · 03/02/2021 21:41

Oh and I would also say op you need to get to know your own body first, it will give you a lot more confidence and take the pressure off slightly.

SmileyClare · 03/02/2021 21:41

@thebigcringe

Second exploring your body and knowing what makes you hot. I recommend audio porn and guided masturbation - it gives you an idea of what might happen during sex. NOT video porn which is IMO usually unrealistic. Happy to recommend some positive, female-affirming ones via pm if you would like.
This is good advice. Get some practice in, find out what you like without pressure. Sex isn't that difficult or scary.

If you're nervous of his reaction to your lack of experience, then I would say, don't be. It's likely he'll appreciate you opening up (not a euphemism Confused) and will respect your feelings. If not, then it's not worth sleeping with him.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 03/02/2021 21:42

I’d just say I feel really nervous about this so I want to take it really slow!

user686233 · 03/02/2021 21:44

If it makes you feel uncomfortable to say it then don't. He doesn't have to know if you don't want him to.

IthinkIm · 03/02/2021 21:45

If you're happier texting him then do that, it's totally your choice.

I hope you have a fab night

Original poster
Violumpet · 03/02/2021 21:49

Thanks all. Lots to consider Confused

OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 03/02/2021 21:58

I think if you’ve been dating for 6 months you should be comfortable having this chat with him? Has sex never come up as a discussion in all that time?

GreySkyClouds · 03/02/2021 21:59

You’re 31. When have you told people between the ages of 16 and 30??