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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's cheating and he knows I'm pregnant

166 replies

whichnameisavailablethen · 03/02/2021 13:49

Hi.

I've been on mumsnet many years ago when my two little ones were young.

So half an hour ago, my kid asked me to change something on his dads phone, but he was actually on his fathers tinder account.

We found out I was pregnant a week ago, we've been together 11 years and he set up dating profiles on other sites too.

I know it's wrong to have looked but after the tinder I couldn't help it. They are all set up from the day he found out and he's been messaging women day and night since.

I'm heartbroken and feel worthless

OP posts:
Roadtohades · 03/02/2021 17:40
Flowers
Katrinawaves · 03/02/2021 17:41

I agree with @Iaintaffraidofcoldtoast. From experience anything which is said in first few days of discovering his infidelity is likely shock and guilt talking. My husband said awful things to me when I discovered his affair and was going to keep me out of the house (I had walked out instead of kicking him out) and stop me seeing my child. But within a week the dust had settled and we were able to communicate more civilly (mostly!)

Today you only need to do 3 things before you can collapse

  1. Move any money in joint accounts to your name so he can’t empty your joint savings
2 change the locks (or make sure you leave your key inside the locked door so he can’t let himself in) and tell your kids not to open the door for him.
  1. Book a sexual health check.

Literally everything else can wait until you feel up to dealing with it.

Good luck

caringcarer · 03/02/2021 17:43

Being kicked out on to the streets would be what he deserves. How dare he treat you like this when you are having his baby. If the house is yours ask him to leave in the morning. If he refuses to leave call the police. Have the locks changed and then think about what you want. Don't allow him to wheedle his way out of this massive disrespect of you. Stand firm and let us know how you get on tomorrow.

chickennuggets2 · 03/02/2021 17:49

So sorry this has happened to you OP. You can do this, you've made the biggest step and made him leave. What a horrible man!!

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 17:55

Guilt? Fs pp. Guilt doesnt make you treat your partner like shit. They rage at you for daring to call them out on their shit.

Nasty assholes are nasty because they are nasty assholes. It isn't because 'aww diddums, poor them, they dont even understand their own feelings, bless'.

It's because they only care about themselves and think you have no right to pull them up on their horrible behaviour because you, your needs and your feelings dont matter to them. If they did, they wouldnt cheat in the first place and they definately would not threaten you or talk to you like shit on their shoes.

Honestly, the nonsense excuses we women sometimes make to try to 'understand' and excuse crap human being sometimes is unbelievable. Guilt!? Fuck me that's a new one. What next? 'He only hit me because the other woman dumped him and he was sad about her?'. 'He only threatened to ruin my life if I left him because he loves me and cant bare to see me go!'. No pp, he behaved hastily, because he is nasty. It's that simple.

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 17:56

*nastily because he is

Mintyt · 03/02/2021 18:17

I am so sorry, heartbreak hurts. Don't make any rash decisions at the moment try to feed your boys and then all go to bed - put them in with you, your probably in shock I know I was, then tomorrow had a real good think about the pregnancy. He will probably start to text you later when it sinks in, but at this moment you need to look after yourself

letsdothetimewarpagain · 03/02/2021 18:27

Sending a huge hug and a handhold. So sorry you are being put through this.
When my youngest DC was 6 months and my older DC was 3, I found out my husband of 10 years had been having an affair for about 18 months. I told him to leave.
You are in shock. Your whole world has shifted and you don't know what to think or believe anymore. Talk to friends and family and be kind to yourself. His behaviour is outrageous - not only the cheating but the way he reacted and the things he said when you found out.
It doesn't feel like it right now but you are in a strong position; you have a house and a good career. Give yourself and your DC the respect you deserve and keep this vile man out of your life as much as possible.
Of course your DC will need to see him, and of course right now you can't imagine not living with him, but at some point in the not-too-distant future, you will look back at this pivotal moment and feel proud of yourself for facing reality and doing the right thing.
Please be strong. You do not deserve this. It doesn't seem like it right now, but trust me, your life will be much better without him. You need to take control of your own life now, and you can do it.

Humpty11 · 03/02/2021 20:12

I’m so sorry he’s been so vile to you. Please look after yourself and your children x

Itstimetoquit · 03/02/2021 20:45

How awful,sending hugs x

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 03/02/2021 21:05

He's got nowhere to go. He has no family in the U.K.

Tough fucking shit. He doesn't get to live in YOUR house and behave like a bachelor. Chuck him out asap. Be tough and then consider whether you should have this baby because you will be raising it alone.

Christmasfairy2020 · 03/02/2021 21:23

Id most likely have a termination

MsDogLady · 03/02/2021 23:13

OP, this arrogant, remorseless man is spitting nails because you rumbled his sordid agenda. You now know who he really is. He feels entitled to be housed, fed and provided with a family while pursuing his hook-ups/affairs.

You’ve had a shocking blow and are traumatized, yet you found the courage and gumption to kick this contemptuous cheat to the curb. Don’t contact him right now. Don’t allow him to bait, manipulate, or shift any blame to you. Even though you are grieving, treat him with cool detachment. He has made a mockery of all of you.

OP, you are teaching your boys the value of self-respect and integrity, and you will go from strength to strength. 🌻

4Mongrels · 04/02/2021 00:37

You can do this. You are going to be okay.

pumpkinbump · 04/02/2021 02:45

@Wanderlusto

Wow. Maybe he feels 'that's her trapped now so I can cheat'. Has he ever been controlling op? A lot of that sort ramp things up once you are pregnant.
Exactly what I thought.
Otter71 · 04/02/2021 06:24

Hotels are open but only for certain purposes. He may have a friend who can put him up. It really isn't your problem where he goes just that he does.

ClangingChimesofDoom · 04/02/2021 06:48

This is literally unbelievable Flowers

Don't worry about updating mumsnet OP, just look after yourself and your wee boys Flowers

Itstimetoquit · 04/02/2021 18:19

How are you op x

beenwhereyouare · 04/02/2021 18:23

I'm so sorry he has done this to you. What a hateful, cheating ass!

If he tries to get back together, please remember this:
He said the most hurtful things possible to you. They may not be true, but it's very damaging to your self-esteem and I don't know that you'd ever be able to forget it.

He may or may not have lied about cheating 3 weeks in, but you have undeniable proof that he has or is planning to
cheat. A lifetime of worrying every time his behaviour is off, of being hypervigilant, of thinking about all of it would be so hard.

For now, hold on to your anger. It can keep you strong as you get through this. And you will; sometimes the life we imagined is gone, and we have to keep moving forward. So many people deal with this exact situation but with help/support they get through. There are so many resolutions available to you; some you may not have thought of.

beenwhereyouare · 04/02/2021 18:36

Sorry, posted too soon.

Don't let him take away your happiness. If you want the baby, keep it. You children are the best part of your relationship, even if he walks away.

My mother had that happen twice; my dad walked out days before I was due. She was divorced less than a year later. I saw him occasionally, and we loved one another, but he did such a bad thing to her! My stepfather walked out when my sister was 9 months old. But Mama has been a fiercely loving mother and father to us. There were days she could barely drag herself out of bed, but she was determined to succeed without the cheaters and she has. She showed us that we didn't didn't have to let someone treat us badly, and that your family is who you make it.

Don't let him ruin your life. Take it one day, one thing at a time, and you'll get through.

Wishing you luck and joy. Flowers

RLEOM · 04/02/2021 22:39

My ex was a porn addict (may ir may not be relevant). Whenever he went through stress, like finding out I was pregnant or after a major argument, he would go straight to paying women for private videos. I don't know if it was the wanking that was the release or the thrill of the chase/newness, but that was his coping mechanism.

Obviously he cheated on me after our baby was born and I consequently left.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's a devastating to discover. Flowers

AIMD · 04/02/2021 22:52

So sorry you are going through this op.
I hope you manage to get some space.

As others have said is change locks abs secure an shared money and then just give yourself a break and try to look after yourself for the next few days.

I’m sure one of your friends or family would drive up if you told them what’s happening to help you.

Brenna24 · 04/02/2021 23:34

How are you doing today?

Original poster
whichnameisavailablethen · 07/02/2021 10:25

Just an update. I started to bleed on Wednesday and lost the baby. He hasn't contacted me despite texting him what happened.

OP posts:
Teardrop2021 · 07/02/2021 10:32

Aw op im so sorry for your loss Flowers

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