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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's cheating and he knows I'm pregnant

166 replies

whichnameisavailablethen · 03/02/2021 13:49

Hi.

I've been on mumsnet many years ago when my two little ones were young.

So half an hour ago, my kid asked me to change something on his dads phone, but he was actually on his fathers tinder account.

We found out I was pregnant a week ago, we've been together 11 years and he set up dating profiles on other sites too.

I know it's wrong to have looked but after the tinder I couldn't help it. They are all set up from the day he found out and he's been messaging women day and night since.

I'm heartbroken and feel worthless

OP posts:
Derbee · 03/02/2021 17:02

@whichnameisavailablethen

He's told me he's moving into his new place tomorrow evening and I can wait.

I have no family unfortunately, and I live a fair distance from my friends (we moved here for work last summer)

Oh and he first slept with someone else 3 weeks in. I'm a pity relationship that lasted too long

Nope. He’s wrong. He can stay in a hotel tonight. Call the police and have him removed.
refusetobeasheep · 03/02/2021 17:04

Wow, I'm so sorry. But you now see him for what he is and thank heavens he has gone.
I would suggest:

  1. book an emergency locksmith and get them to change the locks
  2. reach out to your friends, even if they don't live near, they will support you by phone / zoom etc
  3. Have a call with a solicitor so that you can start to get advice early
  4. Do not make any decisions about the baby yet (assuming you have time)
ENORMOUS virtual hug
ApolloandDaphne · 03/02/2021 17:04

Goodness me that moved fast. Thank goodness he has gone.

Derbee · 03/02/2021 17:05

Sorry, missed the last update. Sorry this is happening. Agree with a PP. No contact for a while whilst you decide what you want to do. Thanks goodness you weren’t married. What a great decision

Yamayo · 03/02/2021 17:06

Yes, and whoever mentioned changing the locks?
Do that ASAP.

Original poster
whichnameisavailablethen · 03/02/2021 17:06

I'm bawling my eyes out. I don't think I can do any of this

OP posts:
tiredybear · 03/02/2021 17:07

my goodness, that all happened quickly. what a lot of shit to suddenly be piled on you.
i agree with PP..first priority is to call a locksmith and get the locks changed. Also check on any joint finances to make sure he doesn't just drain accounts. (Maybe a call to the bank might be in order) Then, give your self some time to process before making any other decisions. xx

tara66 · 03/02/2021 17:07

Make sure you change the locks asap and don't let him back in. Pack any of his things into plastic bags and leave outside for him to collect. See solicitor about child maintenance etc.

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 17:08

Pft he isnt angry at himself. He is angry he got caught.

tiredybear · 03/02/2021 17:09

You can, because you have to. harsh but true. Seriously, call the locksmith and then the bank now, to avoid bigger problems tomorrow....

unlikelytobe · 03/02/2021 17:13

You can do this! You're better off without him and it's best he's gone. Change the locks. Check your paperwork/documents etc, consider your options. Call a friend for support. Do not even consider taking him back.

Good luck.

MyFavouriteIsWhoeverlsQuietest · 03/02/2021 17:13
  1. Absolutely change the locks
  2. Contact Universal Credit - if you need to make claim do it NOW
  3. Tell council tax you need single person discount
  4. Let any family or close contacts know for support
  5. Contact Marie Stopes if you are considering an abortion - I am pro-choice and would be thinking of this the earlier the better but no pressure/take time to decide what is best for you
  6. Take your children's passports and store in safe place - you can put an alert on airports if needed
  7. Take any money from joint accounts - Do it now
  8. Remove him from any bills
  9. Check any liability for any joint debts
10. Look to see what you can sell if you need to 11. Mediation wrt custody agreement but lawyer up 12. Tell the children he is away on business until you work out custody agreements/any kind of co-parenting 13. Talk on here. PM me whenever you need to 14. Get some food in, comforts, a fleece, some magazines, some distractions 15. Contact CSA now with any details you have for him - all documents etc paperwork you can find, lock it down, photo, screenshot incl evidence of his infidelity in case it gets nasty

Have a Brew Be kind to yourself. Do not enter into any Pick Me dance. Do not take him back. Flowers

PheasantPlucker1 · 03/02/2021 17:15

You absolutely can do this.

But be very very kind to yourself today. Easy tea for kids, toast or takeaway, films and cuddles on the sofa.

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 17:15

@whichnameisavailablethen

I'm bawling my eyes out. I don't think I can do any of this
If the alternative is having that nasty piece of work around, you absolutely can.
oannic · 03/02/2021 17:18

Dear OP, I just stumbled across your thread and I just want you to know you are not alone in this.

It's ok to be sad.
It's ok to feel betrayed.
It's ok to cry.

Do not try to contact him now or do anything stupid. You are not in a state to think clearly. Make yourself a tea and cry, be sad. Better now than later on.
Now you need to take care of yourself.
We are here. You can write us.

MyFavouriteIsWhoeverlsQuietest · 03/02/2021 17:18

OP Listen lovey - your pain is palpable and totally understandable and I know you just want to curl up in duvet mode and wake up to none of it being real but you do need to take positive action and do all of the above. You can always make changes later and reverse it, but for now you need to protect yourself, your assets and your boys.

DinosaurDigestive · 03/02/2021 17:19

You can do this. You can.

I know that right now it feels so impossible and that it will feel horrendous forever but honestly it will get slightly better bit by bit.

You deserve to be treated with respect and love. Not treated the way that he has been.

It will all be such a massive, massive shock to you especially with being pregnant and your other young children.

Take all the time you need to focus on yourself and no contact with him will be for the best for you right now. Please do think about what a previous poster has said and keep your phone turned off or block his number as he is more than likely going to send you some very nasty messages as he has been found out and they never like that. Or he will be hoping you keep checking for any messages from him and he will think that you will beg for him to come back. So blocking or turning off means that you are protected from all that.

You are strong. I know it won't seem like that now but you honestly are. You have your children who are all you need my lovely. You have so much support here also.

Please talk as much as you need. But please let it out as you will need to do that but none of this is your fault. You are enough and he is the disgusting one here. Sending you hugs my lovely and thinking about you

DinosaurDigestive · 03/02/2021 17:21

please follow @MyFavouriteIsWhoeverlsQuietest advice as that is absolutely perfect advice.

Doing all of that will help with security for you and your children. You can do this.

Teardrop2021 · 03/02/2021 17:23

It sounds like it was planned op. Hope your OK

Charm23 · 03/02/2021 17:25

So sorry you're going through this. Thank God he is
(on the way) out of your life. He sounds absolutely disgusting. Be strong. You can do this.

10kaDay · 03/02/2021 17:28

@whichnameisavailablethen

We're not married, we both didn't want that.

He's been fine during other pregnancies as far as I'm aware, but maybe not? Maybe there's more to this and I'm just too stupid to have seen it

Not RTFT, and I am sorry you are going through this, its horrible

HOWEVER, I would say that it might not end up being anything serious. My ex started messaging me out of the blue some years ago, nothing came of it, turns out his wife was pregnant (he's still with her, happy, another child). Its disrespectful, and I wasn't too impressed when I found out, but I think for some men its a coping mechanism as they react to the change.

Different story if he actually MEETS any of these women though

Wanderlusto · 03/02/2021 17:30

I think that ship has saled pp. Whether he has cheated or not is rather irrelevant now in comparison to how he is treating op. With contempt and coldness. That shit is not forgivable.

DubiousGoals · 03/02/2021 17:30

Thanks and a handhold OP.

I also suggest blocking him. Take your time to decide what's best for your and your DCs' future, and remember we're here for you if you need to vent.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/02/2021 17:33

What a vile man. I am glad he is gone. I hope you and the boys are ok. Flowers

Belinda554 · 03/02/2021 17:37

Change the locks, be thankful you’re not married.
Personally I wouldn’t have any more children with him.

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