Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Sorry OP I lost you for a while.
Hope you've been ok today. You're still putting one foot in front of the other. Well done on sorting the splash back too x

Thank you all.

It’s five weeks today he left. I’m hoping that soon I won’t be measuring it in weeks but I don’t know how long it’ll take to get to that point.

I know Valentine’s Day is just commercial crap but it’s the first time in thirty-seven years it’s gone unmarked. Of course it won’t have in their little love nest.

And still so many firsts for this year. They’re going to be so hard.

Keep thinking how anyone could do something like this.

I’m not really thinking straight tonight, sorry. I’m feeling really down and pathetic, even more than usual. I have no idea why but I hope I’m not the same tomorrow.

Maybe Valentine’s Day has got to me, who knows?

I've had a down day today,I put it down to Valentine's day and the fact it's the 1st one on my own,hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for us,sending hugs x

Hope you got some sleep last night. No doubt Valentine’s Day didn’t help. It’s like the first Mother’s Day after your mum has passed away. You think stuff like, “How can the world just go on as normal after this has happened?”. But a bereavement is (usually) more in the ‘normal’ run of things that we expect to happen to us sooner or later, and therefore whilst excruciatingly painful and sad, we can start to accept it and eventually learn to live with it.
This is very difficult to process because it wasn’t a ‘normal’ stage of life, it was a huge betrayal by someone who promised to love and support you until death do us part. The person you usually turn to for support and sympathy in terrible times is actually the perpetrator and cause of your trauma.
This makes it very hard to deal with and it is too far outside of your ‘normal’ experience to be able to answer “How could anybody do this?”
Don’t concentrate on that question. Ask a new one. “What can I do for myself today?” Tiny steps, one at a time. You can do this. X

Still here for you, you sound good, it may not feel like it for you but those jobs sound really impressive. I took on doing the garden and grass last year and I love it. Get a podcast on headphones whilst mowing, it is great xx

Hope you're feeling ok OP. Yesterday (although a commercial crap day) hit me hard too and I had to stop myself from getting too stressed. Keep being strong (I've name changed - sorry if my name looks different)

Oh very well done on the gardening and the splashback MoreLegs. It's such a good sign that you were able to make the effort. I'm sure Valentine's Day was a blip and a very natural one. I've never liked Valentine's Day - it's a commercial nonsense that makes too many people miserable.

Do you like gardening? I love it and it always makes me feel better if I'm worried or upset. If the weather's too bad to get out, gardening books, magazines and programmes are always a pleasant pastime and inspiration.

Don't apologise for the bad days. They're inevitable, unfortunately, but as time goes on there will be fewer of them and the pain will lessen. You are worth so much more than that selfish idiot.

Take care.

Valentine’s Day was always going to raise the demons for you again, but it’s over now and things will pick up.

The crocuses came out in my garden today, the nights are getting shorter, lockdown will soon have a light at the end of the tunnel. Hoping this week perks up for you.

Hi legs,

I skimmed through your threads and wanted to hold your hand too.

I was betrayed by my husband too - the fucker had a ONS behind my back with a friend of ours.

It's been over a year here since I found out, but because of covid and lockdown, it's like time has stood still.

What I wanted to say to you is, that you don't need to give up on loving your husband. Don't let the anger consume you - yes it is normal to feel anger/hate etc, but feel it, release it by crying /journalling/ physical exercise etc, then do something positive to lift your mood again...dancing round the kitchen whilst cooking, have a bubble bath etc.
You have to get to a point where you accept that you are in the present FOR A REASON. I promise, you will come out stronger, emotionally. You have to focus on loving yourself, breaking any codependency habits, have your own counselling etc...be strong and empowered and he will soon realise he made a massive mistake.

The other woman sounds like a tramp!! She probably has daddy issues and needs someone to distract her from her own crazy.

Do not focus on them having a great time; he's just had a heart attack, his dicks broken, she sounds like a crazed bitch...I'm sure he is struggling to find his happiness too.

You will be okay, I promise. xx

Oh and just to add...everything you're feeling is totally valid. I too wanted to die, just so the pain would stop..I didn't actually want to be dead, I had no intention on taking my life, I wanted to be here for the kids...but I honestly felt like dying would've been less painful than living with heartbreak.

he's just had a heart attack, his dicks broken, she sounds like a crazed bitch.

Fucking Brilliant @CookieClub. Your summary made me laugh hard.

Legs, you’ve got this. You’re getting stronger every single day. We can see it in your posts. We’re here with you riding this storm. Keep venting. It’s healthy. We’re all behind you. X

I keep saying thank you and it doesn’t seem enough for all the support I’m getting. I’m so used to being the one doing the supporting, of the DC, of H, that it’s really hard to get used to being looked after for a change.

We still have a lot of snow to get rid of but once it’s gone and the garden is drier I will have lots of jobs to keep me occupied.

I’m finding I can get through the daytimes now, but as I’ve said so many times (sorry) it’s now and through the night that gets to me. I don’t want to get into the habit of getting up and out of bed if I can’t sleep. I just want not to be able to picture them and what they’re doing at 10.45pm or whatever. It’s so stupid. It really upsets me so why do I keep thinking of it?

DC are all fine and dandy, DD4 and DS are happy to be “off school”. There’s never a mention of their father out of any of them. I know DDs1,2 and 3 have a group chat going and I imagine if they talk about him at all on there it won’t be very flattering.

The next First coming up is his sixtieth birthday next month. Imagine. A sixty-year-old in bed with a thirty-seven-year-old. It makes my skin crawl it really does.

It's so good to hear you sounding brighter and that the days are getting easier for you.

When I'm worried I find I'm most likely to sleep without lying awake for ages if I'm very tired physically, so perhaps that's something to bear in mind. Some heavy work in the garden might help when you get the chance.

That your DCs are adjusting so well is a tribute to how central you are in their lives and how peripheral their father has made himself by comparison. I very much doubt they would be so unconcerned if it had been you vanishing over the horizon.

As for those two idiots - they have made their bed, they can lie in it and it isn't going to be scattered with rose petals. He'll be looking to her to support him and I rather think vice versa. They are not responsible, unselfish people. The treatment they've meted out to their families proves that.

I suspect he thinks he can wheedle his way back if his fling doesn't come up to scratch. But he doesn't and didn't deserve you. The day he realises what he's thrown away is going to be very bleak for him.

Look after yourself. Keep on going. You're doing wonderfully.

I was betrayed by my husband too - the fucker had a ONS behind my back with a friend of ours

@CookieClub what does ONS mean, I’m usually quite good at working them out but all I can get for this one is Other Nasty Strumpet.

@billybagpuss I think it's a one night stand? (I could be wrong)

[quote Fliss444]@billybagpuss I think it's a one night stand? (I could be wrong)[/quote]
Ah that makes sense thank you

Ah it will be interesting to see how he reacts to his whole family - you and children and his dad etc - ignoring his 60th birthday.
Might start to sink in then what a massive arse everyone thinks he is.
Have a good day OP, you defintely sound a bit less stressed than you did at the beginning, you will and are healing.
Wishing you well.

The woman my husband had an affair with was 37. The same age as our relationship. 🤢🙄 He's not the same age as your husband, slightly younger, but still. 🤢 He has nephews and nieces of a similar age.
However, I never worried about the fact that she was younger than me. Neither should you. No point. Can’t change that. It’s just a fact that in his eyes made her a bigger feather in his over inflated cap. Other people who knew thought it made him faintly ridiculous and it gave them the ‘ick’. 😂
So what if she’s 37? It doesn’t automatically mean you’re ‘special’ or ‘better’ because you’re younger. The older man/ younger AP is depressingly common. It’s not a cliché for nothing. Looking around Mumsnet at some of the threads with OWs on them astonishes me that they can’t see they’re all the pretty much the same woman. Grown women talking like teenagers, whilst trampling about in other people’s lives as if the man’s wife and family are merely an inconvenient obstacle to their ‘happiness’. Entitlement plus an off the scale self-importance and chilling lack of empathy seems to be the main thing they (and their older men) have in common. It’s there in black and white with reply after reply, but they’re all blind to it. Blinded by the crap they’ve been fed. They’re unique apparently and the cliché scenario couldn’t possibly apply to their situation. Sadly there seems to be a queue of them out there who are quite happy to be made a fool of. Let ‘em.
Pity her, Legs. Think about it. Look back at your life. I thank God that I had far too full a life at her age and far too much self respect to need to fan the ego of a middle aged man or jump on his dick to pillage his wallet. I cannot imagine at her age wanting a man of sixty. I cannot imagine at that age or any other, thinking it was ok to have an affair with a married man with a family and help some ageing twit deceive a woman who has stood by him for as long as I had existed.
You and I and countless others are not these women. In my darkest days I comforted myself with that fact. The fact that whilst by no means perfect, I was never a person who thought my desire for kicks was a good enough reason to devastate a family. Never so desperate that a man, any man, was better than no man at all. Whatever woman I was, at least I was never that woman. Neither are you. Take comfort.
I was sent a great article by a forum I get notifications from. It was written by a guy who was the husband in this scenario. His bubble had burst, he was aghast at the devastation he had caused and woke up to the fact that his wife was worth far more than his younger woman. He said in painful retrospect, “I realised she never wanted me. She wanted my wife’s life”.
This really resonated with me. Thing is, they’ll never have the relationship you had. Theirs started in lies and deceit and guilt. It will probably end the same way. He’ll discover this for himself and realise what he’s lost.
Give it time, Legs. They’re a couple of fools. Once reality starts to bite, they’ll either make each other miserable by trying to stay together because of the ‘sunk costs’ fallacy or to save face, or one or both of them will run for the hills. My money’s on the latter.
Focus on yourself. Your life and well-being is paramount now. You’re amazed at the support because you’ve always been the one helping everyone else. Your turn now. You are every bit as worthy of help, support and love as all of the people you have ever provided it for.
Now use it, lean on it and lean on yourself too when you can. You show up for you.
Glad you are starting to fill your days and find distractions. Try to make a plan for bedtime, make a playlist to listen to or find a movie to watch. Reading used to make me get sleepy if I was already tired but couldn’t switch my brain off, look up current novels you’ve never heard of in a genre you like and give them a go. Join an online book club then you’ll have ‘homework’ to do and a discussion to join in with. Distractions are the name of the game. You’re doing it, Legs. You’re coping. One day coping will become living again. Keep going and know we’re with you. X

Excellent post @Thewookiemustgo. Well said.

This is the sort of woman he's with now and I ecco what another poster said 'she doesn't want him, she wants your life'

I remember when my dh started to climb the corp ladder, he got to director level and his boss said something very telling. He told him to 'be careful' when my dh asked why, he told him that now he was at a certain level, women would start to take an interest in him, not because of who he is, but because of what he can do for them. True enough, he had a fair few 'younger women' young enough to be his daughter, suddenly trying to strike up conversations, trying to add him on fb etc, being over familiar, trying to flirt.

Your stbx has fallen into the trap, like the silky old fool he is, and thinks she wants him, he's sadly mistaken, she wants what he can do for her. It's a very sad scenario.

Just remember to give him a wave as you pass him on his way down, as you are on your way up

It must be hard to realise that the man you loved for all those years was at least partly imagined.

Perhaps you saw the best he could be, rather than the limited thing he really is.

If that is so, then you are grieving for a man you haven't met yet.

(The OW is getting the seconds of something much less .)

Brilliant post @Thewookiemustgo

Great post @Thewookiemustgo
Give yourself time to hurt and to heal and eventually you will move on and learn to cope with a different life to what you’ve anticipated.
All I can add is that when in a similar situation to you, I took great pleasure in saying to my then STBEH “I’ve had the best of your life, she’s welcome to the rest of it”.

He's 60 and she's 37...he's thinking with his prick not his head!!!.it will all fizzle out, silly old sod needs an ego boost. So sorry you have been put through this.. take your time to grieve for the marriage ending.xx

Thank you!

@Thewookiemustgo what you’ve posted really resonates. It’s kind of what I’ve been thinking, only it’s been written down.

If (when?) it all falls apart I don’t have a clue what he’d do. I don’t know if he’d try to come here - he has no friends who could put him up, nothing like that.

I’m still getting through the days okay. Looking forward to being able to get into the garden.

I just wish the nighttimes weren’t so horrible. I’ve taken to watching any old crap on BritBox just to try and concentrate on that rather than on them.

It just still really really hurts, you know?