Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Post away whenever you need to. MNHQ vouched for you after all and that should shut up any would-be troll hunters.

It will get better. I know it sounds like a stuck record but it will. You've kept on putting one foot in front of the other through the hardest part. At some point the sadness will begin to lift and you will start to enjoy life again.

Are you getting any exercise? It sounds trite but the endorphins do help a lot. The weather's not very encouraging for getting out and about, but you can always pop on an exercise video from YouTube and jump up and down in your bedroom. Leslie Sansone's indoor walks are very good to start with if you're not in the habit of exercising already and can be as short as 15 minutes.

Take care.

It’s perfectly natural to wonder “Why?, because their actions are incomprehensible. When something totally unexpected and equally devastating happens the first thing we try to do is understand it so that we can process it and move forward. However, this kind of crazy defies logic and explanation. It’s no doubt buried somewhere in his feelings of entitlement, panicking about looming old age and the “Is this it?” feelings he might have. It’s some kind of crisis point he reached in his life, no doubt, or ego fanning that turned his head in a weak moment and became a drug he couldn’t get enough of..... unresolved childhood issues....blah blah blah......

BUT:
You really shouldn’t have one shit to give about all of the above. None of this excuses his behaviour. What I’m trying to say is that now it’s all his shit to deal with, not yours. His fucked up head is truly no longer your problem. Don’t even try to work it out.
At any point he could have discussed things before this happened, and you sound so lovely he probably could have leant on you for support and not made selfish choices which threw a hand grenade into his life and blew up everyone else’s into the bargain.
Save your energy for yourself and your children. Try (I know it’s so, so hard) to pull your thoughts back to self care and your family when you find yourself brooding over him and your marriage.
It might help to Google and look through the stages of grief. There is a lady on Twitter called Lisa Arends who posts regular musings about survival after betrayal and loss of her marriage. “Lessons from the end of a marriage”. Look her up too and sift through some of it to see what might be useful to you.
Not that this helps, but I’m so, so sorry you are going through this. You’re not alone here. You can pm me any time you want if you’re worried about trolling but need to write. I think the MN team are pretty much on it though and will shut down the numpties. Take care X

Sorry to say this, but he has to try to at least keep in touch with his children somehow. Because this attempt was just a cookie and a short message, it's not enough, it's trivial, it's laughable, pathetic etc. If it was a helicopter flying a banner across the sky saying "I love you my children, I'm sorry I hurt your mother" it would be too much, a ridiculous over the top grand and empty gesture.

He's not going to have a sudden revelation about the ins and outs of what he has done, the effect he's had on you, and on your children. And actually, what can he even do about it now? What's done is done.

He is in the wrong, of course he is, for the way he has behaved. No doubt about that, obviously. But that also translates now as every single thing he does is wrong, even his attempts to stay in touch with his children. And if he didn't even attempt it that would be wrong too.

He does not want to be in the marriage. He has made a right mess of everything and behaved appallingly in getting out. He has hurt you beyond all measure. You want him to know and feel every bit of your pain, the pain caused by his behaviour. But he, of course, does not want to know about that. And it won't help you if he does either.

He is the one who has hurt you (no, not ruined your whole life, even though you feel that to be true right now, but your whole life has more to it than just having him in it.) Thoughts of him, talking to him or anything to do with him is not what is going to help heal you from this deep wound he has inflicted.

Your children are being wonderfully supportive to you, which is great. Of course they can't fulfil your needs in terms of the loneliness you feel, no one can. And they are angry and hurt by him too.

Your own sad, lonely and painful feelings are completely natural and normal, something you just have to go through. But it's not permanent. You will come out the other side.

And there will be life after this. Whatever life you decide to make for yourself.

Thank you all SO much for the posts today. I don’t think you know just how touched I am that you’re showing me, a total stranger, support. It’s like a feeling of being looked after and you’re so kind.

Three letters came for him today and so I went out into the snow with them and made another nice fire. One was from the hospital and one a bank statement. The other was from the Inland Revenue. I keep saying this but I don’t know why he hasn’t had his mail redirected. I imagine it’s because he’s so stupid he thinks I’ll contact him when stuff arrives.

He messaged the younger DC yesterday saying he hoped they’d enjoy their “sweet treat”. Moron.

Neither of them would have anything to say to him even if he called to the house to see them. I warned him before he left that he’d never see any of the DC or the DGC again and he didn’t believe me. He thought he’d only not be able to see them if I “poisoned them” against him and I’ve done nothing at all. He’s turning into one of those men I despised when I acted for divorcing couples - all the big talk about never losing their children seeing them regularly, taking them out etc. Then they never did any such thing. The number who just never bothered with their children after a split. and now my own husband is one of them.

I haven’t issued the divorce Petition yet. I know it’s the natural next step but I just don’t feel ready. I can’t seem to articulate why. I think I’ve said before that to me that’s the ultimate symbol of failure.

I just never ever ever thought I’d be in this position.

Enough about him. He doesn't deserve your mind space.
Tell us about you. What do you like doing when you're not doing chores?

This one’s simple, Legs. He’s failed, not you. Now try to get some sleep. Sending love X

Hi Lovely, I agree with the pp, we want to know about you, he sounds boring.

What do you like doing?

All the things that made you a kind and caring person are still there, your interests, your love of things, it takes time for that to come back.
The enjoyment you feel with the small things, I love music, walking, shopping, watching crime dramas, reading etc.

These things you love will return bit by bit, the simple stuff, its just hard to get that concentration away from the hurt.
Allow people to coax you into changing the topic of him, it's hard and you have to wing it at first, your interest is not there, all you can think of is him, it consumes you.

If you could build up in increments of time not thinking of him.
Start off simple... say watching an episode of your favourite programe,
try to build up to a film, train your brain to concentrate on it.
What do you like watching?

I wish I could wave a magic wand to make it go away for you, for any woman that this has happened to, but we are here for you now, and tommorow and as long as you need us.

x

Op you sound like one of life's lovely people your grown up children clearly adore you! He is going to end up so all alone and lonely when OW pisses off! What a fool he is.. Plus his willy is broken xx

@MoreLegsThanMe

I haven’t issued the divorce Petition yet. I know it’s the natural next step but I just don’t feel ready. I can’t seem to articulate why. I think I’ve said before that to me that’s the ultimate symbol of failure.

I just never ever ever thought I’d be in this position.

I think I said upthread it’s not failure, it’s being strong and in control.

@MoreLegsThanMe

I haven’t issued the divorce Petition yet. I know it’s the natural next step but I just don’t feel ready. I can’t seem to articulate why. I think I’ve said before that to me that’s the ultimate symbol of failure.

I just never ever ever thought I’d be in this position.

Perhaps you could try to be as kind and non-judgemental to yourself as I'm sure you were towards your clients that were divorcing! Many of us have been divorced. It is not a failure for goodness sake! It is a recognition of what is needed, it is brave to accept that a marriage has broken down and to take the steps to end it. Being brave and doing what needs to be done does NOT equal failure.

You might feel a bit better and more powerful once you get to the stage of wanting to grab this thing by the horns and be in charge of it! It will be a sign of your own strength and power and self-worth and dignity that you take that decision. Not failure. He has behaved terribly and you will never be accepting this type of treatment from him again. When you're ready to file for divorce, you will be showing the world that this man turned out not to be good enough for you so you are ending it - I don't think that spells failure, quite the opposite.

@MoreLegsThanMe have you agreed finances with him? Sorry if I’ve missed that. I’d try to do that ASAP if you haven’t.

If finances are fine dont bother divorcing him. Leave that for him to do. It'll annoy the life out of the OW. Plus if he dies you'll get everything anyway.

Yes @BadNomad good point

Being still married to him is dragging you down, you need to free yourself. Divorce is no failure. Be brave, bold and resolute OP. Like when you make a bonfire of his post 😂

You keep saying he tells you that you are a strong woman. He tells you this because he has to think it otherwise the guilt will kill him! So in fact you ARE a strong woman and he is a weak, weak man

Just to add I've heard enough about him, too. I want to hear about you, you sound like an amazing smart woman and a great mother. It's Saturday. How about making a plan for something nice? Doesn't have to be any kind of a big deal, just something you'd like to watch over the weekend or something you're interested in that's in the news or a cake you'd like to bake or anything at all. If there's something on tv you might watch some of us could all watch it together and talk about it after. How are you this morning OP? And what's the weather like where you are? It's grey here but there was a fabulous pink sunrise that I managed to catch but my crap phone did not do it justice when I took some pix.

Thank you all so much, as ever.

Today DD3 and I managed to put up a splash back behind the hob (crappy Persimmon didn’t bother tiling behind it). It was only a stupid thing but we did it together. I’ve got a new fridge too and we need to get the old one to the front of the house so the Council can pick it up. They come next Thursday so I’m hoping the thaw sets in soon so I can get the doors off then hopefully all four of us will manage to get it to the kerb.

I signed up for the green waste collection too. H always used to cut the grass, so that will fall to me too.

When I’m waking up now that sudden realisation of what’s happened is still there, but it’s not as acute. I imagine tomorrow will be a special day for them. Two lying cheating devious scheming scumbags having Valentines Day together.

Great achievement @MoreLegsThanMe
I've still not managed to decide on a splash back for our kitchen.
Are you reading or watching anything at the moment. Or were you before this all happened?

Oh wow, that sounds productive, splash back and a new fridge.
Sounds like a plan get the house all lovely, some new ideas for the house.
Make it homely again with your babes.

I'ts too bloody cold at the moment I,ve not wanted to leave the house but had to go food shopping. Have you been eating much has your appetite improved?
I'm glad the mornings are getting better, slowly, slowly you're getting there, keep going.

for you

Bizarrely I’ve become friends with so many of my neighbours over green waste collection. We have a fb page for our close and particularly last year with lockdown come the weekend before collection people with space in the bin were posting to let others use it. It became very sociable.

He might be having a lovely Valentine’s Day, but nobody’s shown him how to use his Willy yet... 😏

Yayyyyy, excellent to read you have cracked on with improvements @MoreLegsThanMe 💐

When I was in your position and even now any bigger jobs that needed doing, I would organise a local handyman to carry them out.

The weather is set to be milder, fingers crossed the thaw will happen in time for Thursday. The grass won't need cutting for a couple of more months, I remember cutting the grass the first time after exh left it felt strange having to do it, within weeks it was just a chore I added to the list of things to do.

Having done the splash back, and other bits shows you can and will come out of this an independent, stronger woman. Onwards and upwards to you and your dcs.

I struggled for four years with the lawn mowing, trying to persuade other people to do it. Then I thought ‘sod it’, bought a shit hot lawnmower and now it’s my favourite gardening task , the whole garden looks fab with a neat lawn

Glad to hear that when you wake up the feeling is not quite as awful as it was OP. Keep going, you'll get to the stage eventually when you'll feel stronger - it's still such early days.