Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Of course it does MoreLegs. Such a betrayal isn't something anyone could brush off in a matter of weeks. But you really are doing so well.

There's a time and a place for any old crap so it sounds like your Britbox subscription has already justified itself. Have you come across anything interesting?

During the first lockdown my DC and I watched the first few series of Grange Hill on YouTube. They were very entertained by the cars, and the fashions and the hairstyles, shocked by some of the attitudes and immensely amused at it being a window on the era I grew up in. The past definitely was a different country.

Take care.

Of course it does. Allow yourself to take time to grieve, don’t rush it. It’s not wallowing or being weak, it’s much healthier to process it although sadly painful. Better to get it out than try to bury it and pretend it’s not there. It will only return later if you do or colour your future thinking. Am thinking about you and hoping you find a bit of peace tonight. XX

Hi op,

Hope your fast asleep. Try not to dwell on when his actions when it falls apart. I spent a long time wondering the same with a ow ten years younger than my h.
What happened? It eventually fizzled out and he thought I would still be there to love him as I had done for over 35 years. His anger was rediculous and his self entitlement when he realised I couldn't , so what did he do?
He then started a relationship with someone nearly 20 years younger than him.
That too fizzled out, he still hasn't confronted himself of his bad behaviour, don't think he ever will.
You cannot take any blame for his stupid and selfish actions nor shoud you be expected to forgive him, which I think he will request.

This is his problem, his life he has destroyed he will face the consequenses soon enough, please don't take any of his pain away that is surely going to hit him.

I just want to say that you are getting better, but at some stage you also need to choose how you want to go on. I have one friend whose husband treated her very badly. She is understandably very, very bitter. She hasn't let go, and it's been over thirty years. He is a constant source of conversation, it's an obsession and it's exhausting trying to be her friend. (If I'm honest, it's become a psychiatric issue - Her kids haven't spoken to her in years, and she hasn't met her grandkids. It's that bad.). Other friends in this situation obviously look at her and choose NOT to be like this. They have chosen different ways to do so. One allows herself ten minutes a day to wallow. She rants and wails, or sobs - or whatever feels right that day - to a timer. Then, wipes her face and then gets up. Another has decided that when she is feeling down, she distracts herself, but looking up things that make her happy and making plans - either courses, travel, reading, writing lists, shopping for food, doing exercises (she's weird like that).... Anything.

Oddly, the happy ones have had the man try and come back. They both refused. They didn't even think about it.

I think what @Onthedunes said is interesting, you haven’t issued divorce papers yet because emotionally you’re not ready, but he hasn’t either, why not? Is he expecting you to be waiting around in the background just in case. I do hope you won’t take him back again.

It’s good that the days are becoming easier, and as you can get out more the nights will too as the fresh air will hopefully help you sleep better.

Hi , do you want to talk about something different on here? Tv programmes, books , gardening , walking , teenagers leaving wet towels and eating everything in sight?
This thread can be a place to chat about other things as well if you need it?
I stay up far too late normally for my peace time to watch what I want (usually dramas , although just started watching the detectorists)
I'll keep checking the thread and if you are on happy to chat x

@WizardOfAus

he's just had a heart attack, his dicks broken, she sounds like a crazed bitch.

Fucking Brilliant @CookieClub. Your summary made me laugh hard.

Legs, you’ve got this. You’re getting stronger every single day. We can see it in your posts. We’re here with you riding this storm. Keep venting. It’s healthy. We’re all behind you. X

@WizardOfAus You're welcome

@billybagpuss Yes, one night stand, unfortunately for me.

Thank you all for today. @CatChant I’ve been watching Grange Hill too!

@justilou1 I hope not to be like your first friend. I have my sad times now, at night, away from the DC. Nobody on the outside looking in would have any idea at all about what was going on. Being bitter won’t get me anywhere will it.

@billybagpuss he has no grounds to issue a divorce Petition. If he wanted to divorce me now he’d need to base it on my unreasonable behaviour and there hasn’t been any....either he’s sought advice (knowing him that’s very unlikely) and now realises he can’t do anything yet, or he doesn’t want to be divorced, or he just can’t be arsed doing anything at all. My money is on the third option.

I still catch myself missing him and wondering what he/they are doing. It’s hard sometimes to switch that off.

DS and I managed to get the old fridge-freezer out to the kerb ready for the council tomorrow. Other than that I achieved nothing today apart from washing and hoovering.

My bet is that he doesn’t want to divorce because he still sees you as the fallback option when this woman tires of him. Serving him papers will burst that bubble - I wouldn’t be able to resist, tbh!

My bet about the divorce is that he doesn't want to lose money and he knows he's going to. It always comes down to the money. His pension, etc.... He's going to see it as everything "HE'S worked so hard for" not the future you've worked hard together for as a family. These fuckers have a way of rewriting history to suit their new future. It becomes such a cliche.

Oh, and also, the ugliness of the divorce might burst his romantic honeymoon bubble. Can't be having that.

Oh MoreLegs how funny. Does it bring back memories for you too? I used to scuttle home from school at top speed on Grange Hill afternoons. The DC and I are convinced Mickey Doyle must have inspired JKR to create Draco Malfoy.

A little bitterness is ok. Just don't let it poison you like justilou1's poor friend. I remember reading an interview with Julius and Ethel Rosenbergs' younger son, who was only six when his parents were executed, and he said: "The best revenge is living a good life." I'm sure you can forge a good life for yourself without this selfish, lying cheat. I'll bet throughout your marriage you were the responsible, dependable one.

I'm not wildly fond of washing and hoovering either but they're chores that need to be done if life's to be comfortable and it's too wet to garden anyway so I'd still pat yourself on the back for getting them done.

Reading aloud to my youngest is my favourite family task at the moment. We're alternating Philip Pullman's Northern Lights and Terry Pratchett's Mort. I started in desperation because the school set texts of Animal Farm, Journey's End and Of Mice and Men seemed to have put a child who had always been a bookworm completely off reading for pleasure. I think it's working, fingers crossed.

Sleep tight.

Have lurked since the beginning, quietly supporting from afar. Just wanted to say this - PLEASE Don't underestimate your latest achievements. Facing another day caring for your DS, getting the old goods out of the house, hoovering and laundry... speaking as a longtime companion of the Black Dog, that is a magnificent effort, Legs.

For you

Retreating back to lurk quietly again.

Thank you, as always.

Managed to go out for a walk with DD3 it it was so windy it took the fun out of it.

I need to paint all the radiators (I mentioned on my first thread I’d had the house redecorated, but for some reason the painter didn’t do any of the radiators...) so I may start on one tomorrow.

Still no word from him. As you’ll all be so sick of hearing, this is the worst time of the day for me. My imagination conjures up all sorts, and I imagine he’ll have probably been to the hospital now to learn to use his implant. Although I’m not sure if a heart attack means he can’t have any sex for a while?

And I often wonder if she misses her kids. Unless she’s started getting them into the flat for longer and longer periods...

Sorry to hear about the struggles you face at the end of the day. Nights are tough. This is still a time of grieving and you are working through it. The way you feel now is not how it is forever.

On finding your imagination roaming back to him and his new penis pump... is it really bad to suggest countering these with fantasies starring a man who doesn't need one?

Walking's great and so is the plan to paint the radiators. Do make sure you have the right type of paint. I seem to remember a hasty last minute trip to B&Q the last time I decided to paint one.

I really would think anyone who's just had a heart attack would be hesitant about any strenuous activity. And he's probably still waiting for the instructions to turn up in the post...only, of course they won't.

I'm sorry for her poor kids. I can't fathom a woman who puts a bit on the side ahead of her children. I know, sauce for the gander, sauce for the goose and all that, but walking out on one's children for a man, any man, just feels utterly alien.

You're doing so well. Hope you can get a good night's sleep.

It's small steps around the diy things. You might find as the year goes on you'll want to change more decor to make the place truly your own.
And yes, sex will carry a certain (huge) amount of anxiety for him now, it won't all be roses and laughter by any stretch.

So -

1. He is 23 yrs older than her (if I remember correctly). I had a friend who married with a similar age gap age - it didn't last. It wasn't a disaster but they simply didn't want the same things out of life.

1. He is in poor health (HA). No close family to support him.

1. He's more or less impotent. I doubt OW had factored in hospital trips to get his dick working.

1. Her children have been shoved out of the way in favour of him.

1. He has lost what sounds like a loving, caring family.

You're the one laughing here, OP. He has royally fucked up and by the time he realises and comes crawling back you'll be well in your way to getting yourself in a good place - if not already there!

Don't despair in the darkest hours, their reality is probably very, very different to what you're imagining, what with her being still in her prime years of life and shacked up with an old man (no offence) who can't get it up and has a dodgy heart. Position of nursemaid springs to mind??

@1WayOrAnother2

Sorry to hear about the struggles you face at the end of the day. Nights are tough. This is still a time of grieving and you are working through it. The way you feel now is not how it is forever.

On finding your imagination roaming back to him and his new penis pump... is it really bad to suggest countering these with fantasies starring a man who doesn't need one?

Absolutely! Could there be anything more off putting than Mr waiting-for-the-next-heart-attack and his pump? You could have a lovely relationship or even just a shag with someone who doesn’t need one.

Your nighttime thoughts are just that. Your thoughts are not your reality.
Like you, I thought exh was living it large. Months after he left, I thought /imagined/convinced myself that he was living the single boy life he seemed to crave when he left after turning himself into the victim and petitioned for divorce. I wrongly convinced myself that what he was getting up to was actually real. Far from it. Exh is now dining from a menu of consequences.
The reality you need to keep in mind is, HE has shat himself when he thought he had only farted.

After a heart attack, he’s probably not allowed to be having sex for six weeks or so. That should put your mind at rest. He will have forgotten all about his titanic-raising appointment and will be mired in self-indulgent, emotional twaddle about how everyone’s abandoned him in his hour of need. (Even after he sent a biscuit.) Also imagine that it’s not an emergency appointment, so rebooking isn’t going to be a huge priority for the clinic. He’ll get what he’s given when and if he gets around to calling them. Can’t see you doing it.

You're doing amazingly MoreLegs.

You haven't contacted him, you haven't been anything but dignified and you are caring for and supporting your children.

Keep buggering on my dear.

Op, I promise you, this happy little cloud they are on won't last. He'll be regretting it soon enough x

Thank you.

I’ve tried keeping busy today to keep my mind off him and her.

His DF rang me this morning I and asked if I or the DC had heard from him. He says after lockdown ends he is going to their flat to give H a piece of his mind. I said he shouldn’t do that, but who knows?

All I know is that tonight I feel so lonely. Does that ever stop? I imagine if you’re younger finding someone is easy but definitely not when you’re my age. I miss just having someone next to me. I miss sex too but that hasn’t happened at all in the last few years.

I think I’m the one who needs a good talking-to, shake me out of this.

@Morelegsthan
I feel the same, my evenings once my kids are in bed drag on forever and then the crazy head starts, endless questioning of everything that's gone on, wondering what they are doing. It's so hard. Sending hugs your way. Counsellor assure me its gets easier in time. I just want to know when