Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Thank you all so much. It does help to know I have you all behind me.

Nothing has changed today. Tomorrow I speak to the GP again and I’m guessing he will just give me a longer prescription of the citalopram (that’s if I can get the car out and up to the chemist in this weather).

I think I am just starting to feel resigned. To the fact I won’t see him again, he won’t be in this bed again, I may well not speak to him again. But it makes me so sad. Sadder than at any time ever. He’s never been alone. He went straight from our bed to the one he has with her, then back here a couple of weeks then back to her. I’m the one who’s been hurt, yet I’m the one alone with nobody to put their arms round me and say it’ll be okay.

The only good thing I did today was that another hospital letter came for him (probably asking why he didn’t attend his appointment previously, which he didn’t because I burnt the letter) so I took it out into the snow and set it alight too. He still obviously believes I will tell him when this appointment is. An appointment to teach him how to use the implant so he can have sex with someone else.

Sorry to rant on so much.

Hopefully the Citalopram helps with your sleeping?
I don’t blame you one bit for burning the letter. I once had a very cathartic time with a pair of chinos, a Sharpie, a large pair of scissors and curry sauce leftovers.

Oh Wookie that sounds creative.

Anything of his that was left here I’ve just put out with the rubbish.

He clearly still hasn’t had his post redirected and I don’t understand why. There’s no way I’m sending stuff on. Not my problem any more.

It was more profane than creative. I ran out of expletives. 😂 The designer shirt that spent the weekend at the hotel followed the chinos. One night when I couldn’t sleep I remembered the expensive overnight bag was still in the spare room. I got up at 3am and buried it in the bin in my pyjamas. It felt so good I went straight to sleep when I got back in bed.
And absolutely it’s not your problem. Your priority must be yourself and your children. Sending love X

You are getting stronger with every post, resigned is good as that shows you accept that he’s gone, sure you feel sad there’s a lot of hurt to overcome but accepting it means you can start to heal.

Burning the letter is awesome, honestly it’s one of the first things you learn when you leave home the first time, change your addresses, official, financial and medical first. You may need to check the cupboards as I believe he may have left some brain cells behind.

Sending more handholds for today.

He won't dare to ask you if you have had the appointment letter, he will eventually contact the hospital. I do hope they tell him they have already sent 2 letters.
Perhaps his heart attack hadn't been induced by
He will now be on blood thining meds. a stardard treatment after stent inserted, he will be even less able to get any use out of his pathetic limp dick

Perhaps his heart attack has been induced by Viagara, (sorry.... internet lumpy)

I wondered the same @Mix56

Good point. So maybe he can either have a working heart or a working dick. He can’t have both.

The implant he had means he can use it anywhere, anytime. All he has to do is press some button.

He sent the DC some weird cookie thing today, like a big rectangle of cookie with bits of chocolate on the top. The card that came said “just a little something for you (you being DD3, who the box was addressed to), DD4 and DS to enjoy. Lots of love, dad.”

Seeing that unsettled me all over again. He still takes up so much room in my mind but I’m really really trying not to obsess over him and her as much as I did in the very early days. Then things like this happen and bang - there they are again.

If I’d known it was coming I would’ve just binned it without opening it. I see OW’s hand in it, it’s not the sort of thing H has ever done in his life.

I spoke again with my GP this afternoon. I have a further two weeks’ worth of the citalopram, after which he says we’ll think about increasing the dosage.

I just feel so useless right now. And I could never compete with a woman who’s just a year old than my DD1, could l. Tonight I just feel so lost and alone. I honestly can’t see how to get through this. It’s too frightening to think ahead.

There is no competition. The thing she has that you don’t is a cheating liar. That is all.
When the bar in this “competition” is set as low as “do you fuck other people’s husbands?” I’m presuming it’s easy for decent, empathic and loving women like you to just step right over it.
There never was a competition. My husband said to me once: “No. She wasn’t special. She just made herself available to me.”
If it wasn’t her, it would have been somebody else who fell for his bullshit.
Straighten your crown. You are Queen here and never, ever forget it.

@Thewookiemustgo

There is no competition. The thing she has that you don’t is a cheating liar. That is all. When the bar in this “competition” is set as low as “do you fuck other people’s husbands?” I’m presuming it’s easy for decent, empathic and loving women like you to just step right over it. There never was a competition. My husband said to me once: “No. She wasn’t special. She just made herself available to me.” If it wasn’t her, it would have been somebody else who fell for his bullshit. Straighten your crown. You are Queen here and never, ever forget it.

Well said! A lying, cheating fool like him isn’t worth competing for. He’s not the man you thought he was - she’s won the booby prize.

Try not to think too far ahead if you can. You’ve had a horrible shock, but I promise you that you will feel better: it just takes time.

Yes op, you don't see it now but that feeling of wanting him will slowly receed.
You will realise if he was sat in front of you on the sofa you would probably want to vomit on him not hug him. He is weak, he's thrown away a long mariage because he's thought about his life expectancy, wanted to pretend he's thirty again, whatever.
Some men can be weak, they can't go the distance, they seem to pannic, as though something is going to fill a gap, when really they are scared of old age.
That's it really.... just fear.

You really should be viewing him with pity, because he's just lowered himself into scum, everybody knows it, he will soon.
Hold your head up, you have no fault, your dignity will shine through.

How did the kids react? They sound far too emotionally evolved to get gushy over a weird shaped cookie

A cookie? He tipped their lives upside down, and he sends a cookie? How utterly underwhelming. Hope he doesn’t try for a puppy.

Abandons his wife and children and sends a cookie? The man has no clue. I wish you strength OP, you have got through the last month and you will continue to get through and you will not only heal, you will be a wiser and more compassionate person as you process this. So many people on here are here for you. This is what mumsnet does best, supports women when they're in need.
Hope you're ok today. Give yourself something. However small. A new book, a scarf, half an hour's rest watching something that might just tease a laugh out of you. You deserve to feel better. Your worth is not dependent on him - you raised all those lovely children, what an amazing woman you are! Your children love you and know that he's the fool.

Also, what a gem of a woman he has picked out of the booby prize box. 3 kids she doesn't have custody of, hysteria in the streets.... if she isn't able or willing to bring up her own children your kids will just wipe the floor with her.

What a massive twat sending a cookie that may have cost him five pound max - this will certainly(joke) make up for everything he has done to the household and how the younger dcs have seen their mum upset and beside herself.

Hold your head high OP and give your dcs a big hug.

Thank you for the posts today.

The DC were completely underwhelmed, yes. They laughed. It’s not been touched and will go in the bin tomorrow I expect.

I’m trying to keep my posts down to a few at nighttimes. Since the turn my first thread took when people were calling troll I’ve worried and felt upset that people would even think that. So I’ve decided I won’t post too often each day (not that that would stop people thinking I’m a troll but I’m really really not).

My adjective today is sad. I’ve been thinking about how everything used to be and how lucky I felt to be with this man who would never leave me, never do the things that liars and cheaters do. And I feel so sad now I know he did all those things and I will never know the reason why.

It’s like he’s died. I know that’s a terrible thing to say but it is. There’s no trace of him in the house anymore apart from two photos I need replacements for. He’s made no attempt to speak to any of the DC, or me, if only to ask if they’re okay. It’s like he doesn’t exist any more.

And I’m so lonely. I know I’ve the three DC sleeping and only a few steps away, but it’s a loneliness they can’t help me with.

I still don’t understand how anybody does this to another person, the person they’re supposed to love. He’s genuinely ruined my whole life.

I remember these feelings all too well. I became obsessed with what he and her were doing. I think after around 3 months I started to move forward, very slowly, but progress is progress, I’d say it took around 2 years to feel myself again but I started properly laughing again about 4 months after the breakup. We’d been together 20 years, the OW was 20 years younger than him. They split after 2 years and he’s tried many times to come back to me. It’s funny, when he first left I was so desperate for him to want me, but when he finally tried to get me back, I really didn’t want him to.
Your feelings are completely normal, you will feel better in time, even though you might not believe it now.

I've been following your two threads and just wanted to say he genuinely has not ruined your whole life. You will get through this and feel better.

Try to keep that thought in your head, however low and desperate you feel. The dreadful way you're feeling isn't forever.

@MoreLegsThanMe

Hang on in there. I loved someone’s comment earlier about straightening your crown.

I never thought I’d ‘discover’ meditation but I had to resort to it during the first lockdown, when I was still trapped in the family home with my abuser. It was at least an hour on my own away from him.

I’ve since carried on, now I’ve moved out, and it’s really helping me process a lot of my anger, sadness and grief at the end of a 25 year marriage. I have certainly cried a river. I do live sessions which I find helpful and gives a little structure to my days... and it means I don’t put it off.

Maybe it’s the fact you have to sit with your feelings rather than manically clean the house (although I don’t knock the latter!) that helps.

We spend a lot of our time beating ourselves up, when acceptance of our emotions often helps us on a longer term basis. It’s also made me a lot calmer in dealing with STBEX and as he’s such an angry man, it means I don’t get provoked into responding in the same manner.

PM me if you want the details of where I ‘go’ and meditate.

Don’t worry about the troll derailment in your first thread, it was based on a very very old post of yours where he’d left you once before so was inconsistent with your existing threads. It was addressed and answered and won’t happen in this one. Posting here will hopefully give you a release where you can say things that you can’t off load on people in real life.

He hasn’t ruined your whole life, this year will improve beyond all recognition as we come out of lockdown and you can start to relax again.

Also if you think about the stages of grief sad, comes just before acceptance. In a couple of weeks or so read back over your posts across both threads and you really will be able to see how far you have come. It really is noticeable.

Have you issued the divorce petition yet? You mentioned you were thinking about it the other day.