Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

@Onthedunes I am so, so sorry about your dear Mazie. It is always hard to lose them, and when they are young and in pain, it makes it even harder. But I am sure she was very much loved and had a happy life with you. I hope knowing that is some comfort. All my cats have loved sunshine and lavender thrives on sun so it sounds just the right plant for Mazie. Take care

Ah MoreLegs he doesn't deserve any of you. He's fallen short of so much one would expect of a decent husband and father. I suspect you were always the one doing the nurturing, not him. He is beyond stupid to himself to have thrown away so much of value in his life. One day he'll realise what he's missing even if he lies to himself about why he's lost it.

I also think it would be a good idea to plan something for your birthday. I always like pottering around gardens at National Trust type places, and a treat of a cream tea and the odd plant or two, or three...

You've done a lot with your life and will do more in future. Raising five healthy, happy, good individuals to take their places in the world is no mean feat.

I hope today's a good day.

There are a couple of things around the DC I thought I should tell him. DD4 has her hospital appointment through (September believe it or not) and DS’s orthodontic appointment will apparently arrive soon. I say I thought I should tell him, but decided not to. Given their ages they can tell him themselves if they want to. I very much doubt either will bother

If he was any sort of a dad he would ask. This is the thing that he really doesn’t get, impersonal gifts of cookies mean nothing, if he truly was the great dad he envisioned himself to be he would be texting/phoning regularly with specific questions, showing he cares and is interested in their lives. And if they ignore him and don't pick up the phone, because they’re upset at how they’ve been treated, you bloody well try again tomorrow. I think it’s his disinterest is the most unforgivable from the dc point of view.

If he was any kind of Dad, he wouldn’t need to ask. He would know because he would be in their lives enough that they would tell him naturally and he would even be part of the organization process.

The thing is with kids, teenagers, young adults...the gestures don't matter. Cookies, treats, etc., are not what matters. What matters is the day to day ups and downs, the being there for them. Getting fed up together, having upsets, putting them right, enjoying a laugh. Just the day to day stuff that we all have.
My ex made it clear that he wasn't leaving his kids, just me. Well, clearly that wasn't the case. He would go weeks and weeks without contact, because he was tied up with OW (and her kids, who he prioritised over his own). Then, he would suddenly decide to sweep in and offer them a meal out, or buy them something. Then, he would sulk when ignored, and they didn't fall over him. Because, and this is key, especially with teens, they work it out for themselves. I would get so irritated when he did take them out for a treat, and I was left, hard up and struggling to feed them all, to deal with the moods and usual teenage angst. It seemed to me that he got the good stuff, and I got all the dross. Well, if any of you identify with this, let me tell you that with hindsight - I was wrong: Yes, I got all the ups and downs BUT the bond that grew from being the stable, reliable one, was priceless.

What happened then (for me) was that ex decided that the only reason he didn't have the bond with his kids, was me. I turned them against him. He couldn't then, and wouldn't despite them telling him, accept that he did that, all by himself.

So I suppose my point is that if you now feel that it isn't fair, because you have to deal with a break up and suddenly raising kids on your own, remember that in the future your kids will always know who had their back when it mattered, and will never let you forget it.

We could have split up and he could have called them, seen them, every day, but he choose not too. He did that. Then, when he occasionally surfaced from his love bubble with ow and remembered them, he wanted to dip in and out without putting himself out. What he still doesn't get (or can't allow himself to accept) is that he made the choice to prioritise himself, his immediate wants and needs (OW) over the mundane of being a hands-on dad.

Your birthday will be celebrated by those who love you... and not by one who only loved himself.

I hope that it is a happy day for you and that you don't let him intrude on it at all - even in your thoughts.

He has done nothing to deserve any share of a joyful day with you this year.

You won’t hear from him on your birthday but you will have your lovely children, grandchildren and in-laws sending you love and happiness. He had none of that on his own birthday.

I wouldn’t even guarantee he won’t send you some sort of birthday wishes because he appears to feel that doing things like that makes him look like a better person. I imagine you would find that very hurtful though so I hope for your sake he doesn’t. I wonder if he will spend the day wondering how your family are celebrating with you in a way they didn’t for him?

So this inflatable dick? Does it actual enable him to orgasm, or is it purely to enable him to do the deed? He might not be having as much fun as you imagine.

Keep strong.

Thank you x

@Onthedunes that is so sad. You must have been so frightened. And the insensitivity of the vet beggars belief. A carrier bag...

Mazie Lavender knew she was loved you know. She really did x

So much wise advice again. I don’t know where to start.

@Twoforthree the implant is supposed to be simply another way of getting it up. Instead of blood rushing in, it uses saline. Orgasm/ejaculation are supposed to remain as they were previously.

It’s hard to explain but it had been so long since we’d had any kind of sex life, about seven or eight years I think, that I found myself desperately wishing for him to get the all-clear from the hospital to use it. I wanted our sex life to go back to how it was before the ED and I thought he did too. He told me so often enough. Then on the day he left to realise that I’d never know how well it worked just crushed me. I’d waited so long and he’d made all those promises, then it came to absolutely nothing.

Again, you’re so right about him opting out of the mundane day-to-day stuff. The DC don’t want crappy bits of food sent through the post. He should try and speak to them every single day. If they don’t answer he tries again the next day. And on and on. Instead they get a cut and paste message when he can be arsed “hope you have a lovely relaxing weekend”. Makes me want to barf.

I really do think he’ll end up with one phone call a year at Christmas or something. DD3 told me tonight she never wants to see him. That’s the first time she’s ever really mentioned him.

I hope the DC think I’m doing okay. I’ve never cried or anything in front of them. It’s important to me that they have one parent to turn to with any problem at all so they need to know I’m always going to be here for them. Even the older ones.

I managed to cut the grass today, albeit in the rain. I need to trim the edges and I’ve some plants to pot, so fingers crossed that tomorrow it turns more showery so I can just go in and out as the weather dictates.

Thank you all again. Sometimes I feel I can actually do this, thanks to my lovely army supporting me from afar.

x

@SophieB100 that is such a spot on description of a self-absorbed dickhead and completely describes my ExH too, he seems oblivious to the hurt that he caused and doesn't understand why our DC aren't desperate to see him as and when he has the time.

@MoreLegsThanMe I commented on your earlier thread and have been supporting you from afar since - you are honestly so much better off without this selfish selfish man. Your DC are a total credit to you and, in time, you will have joy and contentment (of your own choosing) in your life

So if he can’t um... come or really enjoy it, it sounds like a recipe for friction burns to me. 🤭 I’m guessing it’s not nearly as fun as you think. Pointless, even.
Your ex is a master of pointless overtures isn’t he?

Thank you all for your kind comments, she was loved yes, so much.

Legs you know him so well don't you, his intrest in himself will not change, he will not overnight become father of the year. You made him appear the caring father because you picked up the slack for him.

Your posts shout out that you were the nurturing partner and parent, he never had to try. Your children probably already knew before he left, who was the go to parent for their needs. It must hurt like hell when he dismisses them, it is an insult to them and to you.
A wicked man.
I must admit though it perplexes me the length of time of your marriage, that he would be so monumentally stupid to throw everything away, mine was a longer marriage and there are simularities, the utter disbelief that after so long it meant nothing.
I don't wish to hurt you by saying this but I am further down the line and can tell you that after his fling which lasted in all about two years he thought he could pickup from where he left off with me.
No... I don't think so..... so he tried again with another woman that lasted a very short time.
The thing is the one thing he never bargained for was that I would stop loving him, deep down, forever and ever blah blah blah.
These selfish types don't, they really believe the love from you will last an eternity and it would have done if they had not ballsed it up and ruined it.
What I'm trying to say Legs is you have to show him you don't love him, your children are doing that already, it's going to hurt, you are the demonstrative partner, your joy came from showing others love.
Believe me he will miss that and realise that he let go of the biggest supporter he ever had, he's such a fool, a fool who does not yet know what he's lost.
Keep on going legs, you are doing all the right things.
xx

@Onthedunes seriously after 2 years he thought he could just waltz back in!! Wow.

@MoreLegsThanMe I’m impressed you did the lawns, the storm here was incessant yesterday, I wondered what the roads will be like today.

Hope no-one minds me jumping in here. I've been following from the start and am silently cheering you - and everyone else who's shared their experiences - on from the sidelines.

I've not had anything to add before now, but it seems like the expression "there are none so blind as those who will not see" fits perfectly here.

After I finally went NC with my dad, I found out later that he'd been on the phone to everyone he knew, telling them "I don't know why she doesn't speak to me, I've done nothing wrong so I think her mother's turned her against me" in his best "pity me" voice. 😭😭😭

Errr, nope, that would be because you were an absolute weapons-grade bastard who physically, mentally and financially abused us all for years! He genuinely had convinced himself that that hadn't happened .

It's just re-writing the narrative isn't it? I guess that's the only way they can live with themselves. Pricks. (Maybe not the best choice of word for Mr Soft, but you know what I mean!)

All the best to you OP, keep on keeping on, as they say.

And much love to Dunes too, that's desperately sad about your wee cat.

@billybagpuss

For the first 9 months I didn't know she existed, the marriage was going down the pan but on discovery I did the usual end the friendship malarky, but he didn't/couldn't, that was the most painful part. In the end I dropped the rope, stopped the pick me dance and signed off the marriage.
It naturally came to an end with the ow, (as in most cases it does) but as with Legs I didn't want anyone else and my singledom in his eyes meant he thought he could pick the love back up.
The self entitled ones are the worst when it hits them that the unconditional love has gone.

Thats when the real pity party starts.
I believe Legs will get this too.

Hope you've had a good day Legs, bloody cold isn't it?
x

Thank you x

@CarrieMoonbeams I love that expression - weapons-grade bastard. Can I use it?

I’ll be really honest here - somehow I do still love him. I hate what he has become and what he’s done, but all the good things in my life have happened with him. I find myself remembering holidays. Things to do with the DC. Just mundane stuff but it was important to me. And I thought to him too.

@Onthedunes my H sounds so like yours. If (when?) it goes sour with her I’m quite sure he’d turn to me first. I’m sure he thinks I’m still adoring him from afar and because I’ve forgiven so much in the past, he’d think I’d forgive this too.

But even though I love him, he will never come back here. I don’t know what he’d do if they split up but that would be his problem. He wouldn’t be able to lean on me any more. I only have room inside now to take care of the DC. Sometimes love isn’t enough is it.

DD4 is desperate to get me into online dating. She suggested Tinder (I don’t think she realises how old I am). She said she doesn’t want me to be lonely, which was very sweet of her.

It’s true though, I am lonely. I doubt there’s a cure for that. It’ll just be another thing I learn to live with.

@justilou1 I think it’s supposed to work so that he can enjoy it and come just as he used to be able to before the ED hit. For the life of me I don’t understand how she was interested in him. Sixty. Can’t get it up. Lies constantly. He’s lied to her too, saying we all knew about her but the DC didn’t want to meet her.

What has she seen in him?

Thank you all again. That’s another day got through.

x

Nighty-night legs
Trust you had a good day and recognised your worth as you went about your business today
You are an inspiration to others but most importantly you are true to yourself and your DC - how lucky they are to have you as their mum 😉

You know it's going to happen Legs.
I could have wriitten the script of my husbands life during that period.

It's like warning a small child, saying this is going to end in tears, do you want to save yourself ?
They don't listen yet unbelievably they still think it is their inalienable right to return to the long standing wife.
Their entitlement is outstanding, and yes I do think he will try to return to you. He is sixty, no spring chicken, whats he going to do keep plugging away on dating apps with his wonderful cv of a non functioning dick.

My husband is a similar age, they crack the whip one last time and then they want their pipe, slippers, children and grandchildren back, and you cooking and cleaning and unconditionally loving them like gods.

I did warn you.

Take care x

He shall forever be Mr Soft to me now.

@CliffsofMohair

He shall forever be Mr Soft to me now.

I watched the YouTube video of that advert yesterday, it still scares the giblets out of me, it's so creepy! 🤣

MoreLegs, yes "weapons-grade bastard" is a great term isn't it? Feel free to use it, and I'm sure we could all think of many other expressions if you run out of ideas!

I'll bow out now because I don't have anything to add to the wonderful support you're getting from all of the wise women here, but I'll still be lurking and following, if that doesn't sound too creepy! 🤣

’ll be really honest here - somehow I do still love him. I hate what he has become and what he’s done, but all the good things in my life have happened with him. I find myself remembering holidays. Things to do with the DC. Just mundane stuff but it was important to me. And I thought to him too

Of course you do, you were with him a very long time, and it’s this love and respect for the memories and past that will help you eventually to move on without being consumed by hate.

I see where DD4 is coming from, and it might be the right thing in a year or so, but for now encourage her to help you rediscover you. You’ve already started investigating the possibility of a dog, what hobbies have you enjoyed in the past that fell by the wayside. Now is the time everyone is keen to get moving. How about something like salsa that will get you out and moving.

I'm with your daughter in thinking that you do have a bright future -though agree with you that you need a little time just now.

In gardening terms - you have just had a huge shady (limp) shrub removed from beside you. At the moment there is a gap where you have grown into a certain shape to accomodate that other plant.

Suddenly you have space and light and can grow freely.

You feel a bit exposed.

It will take a little time for you to use these things and discover what sort of plant you really are by yourself.

Adjust and be what you want to be- grow naturally and uninhibited fora bit - only then think about whether there is room for a new shrub beside you.

It will have to fit around your new shape. (Hopefully it will be full of life, firm, vibrant and not too shady.)

@1WayOrAnother2
Love that post!! What a great analogy 😊

@1wayoranother2 exactly as Taylor Swift (bear with) would say 'life was a willow and it bent right to your wind'.
I have no words of wisdom to offer you Legs, but have been quietly following you, like I suspect loads of others cheering you on. All power to you.

Don't be so hard on yourself MoreLegs. It's good that you can remember the happy times and that his actions haven't tainted your memories. And after 37 years it's perfectly normal to still feel love for him.

But it's very healthy that you recognise your love isn't a return ticket for him. You've done so much for him over the years. Now it's time to concentrate on yourself (and the DC too, of course). He's used up all his second chances.

Your DD4 sounds so lovely, though I agree she's jumping the gun suggesting Tinder for now. I like the suggestion by @billybagpuss to let her help you rediscover yourself. Are there any evening classes near you? You could do the car maintenance course you were considering. Or there might be other courses to tempt you.

Take care. Keep on keeping on. Keep on being amazing. Sleep tight, lovely.

Thank you x

I love the garden analogy @1WayOrAnother2. It’s brilliant.

I do need to think about a class or something.DD3 wants to go back to aquafit once the pools reopen so I’ll probably get roped into that. Evening classes here don’t usually start til September-ish but I have no idea what will become of them this year.

Told DD4 gently but firmly that Tinder is not for me! I’ve felt from the start that I’ll probably be on my own for good and I think I’m starting to come to terms with that.

My marriage certificate should arrive on May 26th or thereabouts which is longer than I’d have liked but the Petition is ready to go so as soon as it arrives I’m issuing. I need to tell FIL that I’m going to be going ahead with it. In my heart I really really don’t want to. I was so proud that my marriage was long. But I don’t have a choice I think. I’m sure he won’t expect it. He probably thinks I’m just waiting here in my little compartment. Just waiting for him to say he’s made a(nother) mistake and he’ll come home.

He’s not been in touch with the DC since a crap message last week. I don’t dwell on it because if I think too deeply about what he’s done to them it really upsets me. A good father just wouldn’t do this would he. He wouldn’t have run away to another woman without a word to his children. Like literally put his clothes in his car and drive away without a backward glance.

I know I’m whining again but it’s so good to be able to say all this to you. I can’t share this with the DC, it wouldn’t be fair. As I’ve said I have nobody else in RL, so I’m leaning very heavily on all of you lovely women.

x