Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

I agree - don't think 'broken' think 'wounded'. Wounds heal from the inside, even when they are deep and bitterly painful.

You have had something nasty cut away from you and you are recovering from the cut as well as the loss... but you are recovering.

Read back over these threads and see you've come such a long way since this hit you. You've been strong for your children even when you felt least able to be so.

This is real parenting, real love and it is heroic.

Things in the future will not be the same as now, and with the way the wheel turns, it is likely to be a much better 'not the same'!

If councelling isn't for you, but you still need to talk, don't forget that you can speak to the Samaritans in the way that you are writing here.

(They don't know who you are and it might help to know that they are warm-hearted humans not superior experts/professionals. You don't need to worry about them judging you - they will really listen and you can set things out for yourself as you talk.)

Morning @MoreLegsThanMe hope you’re ok today.

You are not broken, yes you still have a very long way to go before you will trust again, but it will come.

I was active on a long running parents of teens thread a while back and a poster described the healing like the Japanese art of kintsugi, this is where if a piece of ceramic breaks they repair it with gold so the repair becomes more beautiful than the original. These experiences will change you, of course they will, but as you heal you will come back stronger and from what I can gain of your spirit on this thread it is beautiful and vibrant and it will blossom again.

I am sure it is easier for him to gloss over the last 37 years, but think about it, what will he gain from the next 37? as it stands dd doesn’t even want to tell him where she’s going to uni, there are many many family celebrations that even if he is part of, he will only be on the fringes, where you will be front and centre enjoying the achievements of your beautiful children.

Hi Legs, I think @1WayOrAnother2 makes an excellent point about the samaritans, they are so good at listening, it really can be a release just to get it out sometimes.

You are so strong, many would have exploded but you have kept your cool and dignity so well. You could advise others on this forum so well, you have been through so much, still are.
Like we said Legs, one day at a time, thats all any of us can do going through pain.

I hope you have an easier day.
xx

I'm glad you mentioned kintsugi @billybagpuss! I've always loved the way lived-in/repaired/scarred things have beauty of their own.

It is a lovely image of the way even the most devastating experiences can leave us better and stronger and more lovely.

I'm not so good at celebrating the signs of aging (there will be no gold paint on my chin-hairs) but my daughter had an op on her shoulder and collar-bone that is now a silver scar. She has never covered it up.

@MoreLegsThanMe I hope you’re having a better day. You’re not broken. You’re deeply hurt, traumatised even, but not broken. You are still doing you and supporting your family, that takes enormous strength in the face of all this.
Please remember that the ‘cosy love nest’ just isn’t. It has come at a huge price, they haven’t even begun to pay yet.
Even in its most peaceful-looking, kid-free, quiet moments, there will be the constant silent screaming in their minds of the terrible thing they have done. The thing they are avoiding looking at and desperately trying to justify to shut it up. To drown it out. They’ll never get rid of that sound. Even really shitty people have consciences. They’re just better at keeping them quiet than we are. But they won’t stay quiet forever. It takes a lot of mental gymnastics, denial and avoidance to keep it that way. Hardly cosy or peaceful.
One step at a time, Legs. Keep taking one step at a time.XX

So, firstly apologies for just jumping into your thread OP. I have, however, read all of the first thread and this one.

I am you ten years down the line.

I was married for over twenty years, with three children, and my ex left me for OW. I totally get and went through what you are going through those first months. I too couldn't sleep, barely ate, but held it together for my 3 teenage kids.
We were all devastated.

So, what I want to point out:

You are stronger than you think. If somebody had told me that I would have coped, a year before the bombshell, then I would have doubted them. But, I did. Initially, it was a minute by minute. Then hour by hour. I barely ate, I hardly slept. I went from sick gut wrenching anxiety, to anger, to sadness, to shaking and sobbing and then back again on a loop.

Everyone said, "Soph, you're amazing, you're so strong" and I, inwardly, thought, hell you don't have any idea. But the thing is, I was strong, looking back, because I had no choice. I had three kids to put first and I did. You too are strong.

So, fast forward. 10 years on. He is still with OW. Not happy. Has regrets. Tough.

The kids: All adults - in their mid twenties: 1 has contact with him and sees him occasionally. 1 sees him less - perhaps 4 times a year. Youngest - DS - who was 13 when he left - never sees him. He too, calls him by his name and never 'dad'.

What helped me: Filing for divorce and pushing this - gave me focus, made me angry (and angry helps, believe me). Getting the best lawyer money could buy - I can't emphasise this enough. I got in debt through doing this, but the settlement she got me was worth it, ten fold.

Don't underestimate the effect on the kids. Adult, teenage ... irrelevant, they will, in their own time show signs of being affected by this. I never, ever, bad mouthed their twat of a father in front of them. But they work this out for themselves. They make their own choices. But here's the thing: your ex will blame you for twisting their minds. Ignore this. Do not respond to this at all. My ex said the reason our DS didn't want anything to do with him was me. Of course he did - typical projection. Ex couldn't face the reality of what he had done, so he blamed me. The reason our DS washed his hands of him, was because he felt abandoned, ignored, and his mum was left holding it all together. But the reality was too much to bear - so easier for Ex to blame me. You will get this - I guarantee it - ignore it.

Ultimately, in hindsight, I want to say that anger is better than "what ifs", you will get out the other side. You will get to the place I am at now, which is, that at least these two wasters ended up together, so two decent people didn't end up being hurt by them.

In your previous thread, you alluded a lot to Romeo and Juliet, like it was the ultimate love story "us against the world". Well, OP, I teach Romeo and Juliet, and it never works out for the main characters. It's tragic. For the two main players.

You are not one of them though - you can, if you detach, focus on the here and now, and not past, walk away to your happy ending.

I did.
I wish you well

Sending support OP 🌸

Thank you so much x

Maybe wounded is better than broken. Wounds heal, eventually, don’t they.

I’ve gone back to my previous coping mechanism of pretending he’s dead. I’ll never see him or talk to him again. I think that’s why the infrequent messages and his visits to the house and FIL got to me so much. Suddenly there he was, from nowhere. Literally in the case of the Easter Eggs.

Is it bad of me to hope they are silently suffering? That’s if they even have consciences. She still sees her DC - I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve gone back to the original arrangement of various of them staying at the flat in the spare bedroom. That surely must make him miss our DC.

I went and bought some more plants today and I ordered the paint to spruce up the big sign DS and I put up. It still hasn’t fallen down. Every time I look at it I think “I did that”. As soon as the weather gets better I’ll be outside again.

I do have flashes of feeling positive now and again. I put it on in front of the DC and I think it’s rubbing off on me. Looking back I can barely believe how I held it together in front of them despite falling apart inside. DD4 and DS are being so mature. I worry for all of them but for the youngest most of all. They genuinely seem content though. School hasn’t suffered. DD4 I know has talked to her friends about everything. I’m not sure if DS has, and I don’t want to ask. They all five know if they need me I’m here. I don’t think H would have coped with them at all.

It’s my birthday this month. Another first. I just have to get through it don’t I.

I’ve noticed too that I’ve started sleeping in the middle of the bed. I used to just stick to my side. Maybe this means something profound...

They’re probably busy right now enjoying his inflatable toy. How very romantic.

Dickweasel.

x

Legs I'm in a right mood myself tonight, spent all day crying yesterday and today so let me join in with the slagging...

He is best forgotten, he is an aresole of a man who NEVER deserved you, and he deserves to rot alone in his guilt festered flat after his rediculous online partnership ends.
As for her, I don't honestly think I've met awoman that has left her children for another unbelievably older man. I've known quite a few women drag their kids around into multiple relationships but they all kept them with them.
Not her, she left them and is hopefully trying to ease them into his life.
Christ that's a bad mother in anybody's books.

You're so head and shoulders above them Legs I can't express my disgust with them enough. The bed, yes I honestly don't think I could share a double bed again with someone else, the space is great, maybe a queen size
Whatever they are doing Legs believe me it won't be as exiting as you think, I mean was he ever an exiting man, selfish I bet but not exiting.

He hasn't changed, you are remembering the best bits, try and remember the shite in the marriage, thats what she'll be getting soon enough.

Sleep well x

No, H would never have coped with them on his own. Your DC are doing so well because they have you and they have grown up knowing you are rock solid reliable and will support them through thick and thin. That is an achievement you can always take pride in.

Another is your determination to keep on going no matter how you are feeling. Ordering plants and paint for the sign is part of that, as are all the jobs you've tackled in the last few months. You are doing so, so well.

I wouldn't say it was bad to wish a taste of their own medicine on H and OW. After the pain they've inflicted on their families I'd say it was quite normal and understandable. But do be careful not to let thoughts of them take up residence in your head. They are not nice people. Thinking about them and their actions too much can only be distressing.

You will get through your birthday, 'first' though it is. Would it help to plan something with the DC? And you need to treat yourself. Something nice for the garden perhaps? A special plant or perhaps a little/mini greenhouse. You can have a lot of fun raising seedlings in the mini-greenhouses that are really just wire shelves with heavy-duty plastic covers. Or maybe it's time to investigate the dog breed rescue organisations further? I think you and the DC sound like prospective pet owners to satisfy any rescue centre.

As for his inflatable, well, what a catch, a man led by his dick and it's one that has to be pumped up like a flat bicycle tyre. A blow-up dickweasel, no less.

Sleep tight, lovely. It will get better.

Hi Legs, I'm coming late to your thread too. I found it again having read your original one a while back.
I'm sadly in exactly the same position as you, right now, right this minute. I will try to work out how to PM you.
Only 20 years for me and 2 teenage children but I so know how you're feeling.
DS hasn't spoken to H for months and now DD not in contact with him either.... We are the parent offering stability and security and decency and 100% love and time to our children and our kids know that and will never ever forget what their fathers did......
I thought SophieB100's words were profound a few posts back. Thank you SophieB100 sorry I don't know how to tag you. I've literally screenshotted your post as it is so so relevant to me too.
I feel at the angry stage at the moment, having gone through all of the other emotions you're going through OP, but it's anger mixed with intense sadness all at the same time.
I get you when you say you are broken because I really do feel broken. But as others say, we are wounded and functioning for our children and are so so so strong.
I have just in the last couple of weeks been able to start kind of looking to a future. We've got this, there is a future and our Hs can rot in hell!
I had my birthday recently and invited friends for lunch and had the most wonderful day with the kids too. I hope you have friends in RL supporting you. I have only just very recently had the courage to start acknowledging to a wider circle that I am now separated. But oh my goodness, the support has been utterly overwhelming and I even have people who I hardly know offering me their time, their ears to listen, even a new job! I do hope you can reach out too. Sending big love and will try to message you xx

Goodness there are some strong ladies on here, @Onthedunes hope you’re feeling better today.

Dickweasel is my favourite one so far.

Echoing @billybagpuss. Some amazing women on this thread. @SophieB100 such a dignified and wise post.
@MoreLegsThanMe and @Onthedunes hope you have a better day today. X

I'm sorry Legs if my post was a little negative last night but my cat died on Friday and my animals are my coping mechanisms.

I hope you have a better day, the weather here is much brighter here today so Mazie is going to be buried today in the garden with a rose bush I,ve just bought.

Take care
xx

I do want to add that these ladies are incredible, like warriors, I think many men go into fantasy mode when they leave, nothing real exists, they turn off so no pain can touch them.
It has to be all about pleasure as if their new world cannot cope with any form of normality, my husband ignored our children for the early months and when one of our children had a meltdown wanting to see him he called the police on them (long story).
The police came and were disgusted with him, he behaved as though he never knew them, absolutely broke them, but he was a narcicist.

Take care ladies, you make the world turn.
x

Sending hugs 💐 @Onthedunes my animals are my support soon. Which rose did you get? When my childhood cat died, dad planted a clematis and it was stunning for many years.

Thank you x

@Onthedunes I’m so sorry about Mazie. Had she been poorly beforehand?

There are are as @billybagpuss says, some amazing women here. I hope to be half as strong as you all. It’s comforting to know my experience isn’t unique, but it saddens me also. I thought my H was the worst of the worst but it seems there are many more like him.

I realised at 3.00pm that it’s the Sunday anniversary again. I don’t spend every Sunday going over and over that day any more. It’s burned into my memories so I know it’s there, I don’t need to keep re-living it.

There are a couple of things around the DC I thought I should tell him. DD4 has her hospital appointment through (September believe it or not) and DS’s orthodontic appointment will apparently arrive soon. I say I thought I should tell him, but decided not to. Given their ages they can tell him themselves if they want to. I very much doubt either will bother.

He should be here to know about this stuff, not off with her doing fuck knows what. I haven’t done much with my life but I’m proud of the DC I’ve raised. How he can imagine he’s a good father is beyond me. He deserves nothing from them.

I don’t know what I’ll do tomorrow. DD4 is going to a friend’s to study and I need petrol. It’s supposed to rain hard all day isn’t it.

I know when my birthday comes there won’t be any message from hi, no card or whatever, and even though I know it, it’ll still hurt on the day.

x

@MoreLegsThanMe
Just want to send you huge hugs, as always your thoughts and concerns are with your DC and their lives and issues.

Oh goodness what on earth would you do with a birthday card from dickweasel???
Just be glad if he doesn’t send any cookies....
X

@Onthedunes so sorry to hear about Mazie.... it’s always heartbreaking to lose an animal family member. Their loss is a lot more profound than we give them credit for. (Although I would like to pee without a 55kg dog supervising just sometimes!)
@MoreLegsThanMe - What day is your birthday? It must be lovely having a birthday at this time of year in the UK with the lovely weather and the beautiful flowers. Maybe we can be your virtual birthday party!

Thank you Legs and her warriors..

No Legs she had not been poorly beforehand, she was only young, a resucue girl, I came home to find her dragging both her hind legs down the hallway, she was paralysed. I phoned emergency vet, got the cat basket and my son picked her up onto his lap. She then pulled herself into the open cat basket (before she would never have gone in it without a fight) she knew she was dying.
We raced her down to the Emergency vet (not my vet, it was closed) they took her straight away, put her to sleep then handed her back to me in a carrier bag
They then asked for £300.00. They said it was a blood clot that travelled from her legs to her heart, she was in a great deal of pain and so frightened.
I drove home crying me eyes out whilst Songbird by Fleetwood Mac came on the car radio. Horrendous, my poor baby.
I burried her earlier, bought a rose bush but then decided to plant her under a lavender bush I also bought.
RIP Mazie Lavender.

Legs, all these firsts are so hard especially as you have quite a large family, be kind to yourself through these events, there are no prizes for pushing yourself too hard.

You have a big heart, the bigger the heart the harder it is to mend, it will take time, there is no rush, we are with you holding your hand.

@SophieB100 just worked out how to tag you by using web version (stupid you can't do it on the app)
I wanted to thank you for your profound words, they meant so much to me
@MoreLegsThanMe I think I've worked out how to PM you now! I'll message today xx

Oh @Onthedunes that’s horrible, sending so many hugs 💐

@MoreLegsThanMe I think you should plan something for your birthday to keep the focus, even if it’s just a picnic with the DC, try and do something different, you know he won’t do anything, especially as the precedent has been set with his birthday last month which makes it easier, it would probably upset you more if he did. But if you arrange something nice to look forward the day won’t be tarnished by unwelcome thoughts of the dickweasle.

I just shed a tear for your Mazie and you and your son. You must have all been so frightened @Onthedunes