Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

I think Fil knows exactly the score and will pretty much tell him everything straight anyway.

This was inevitably going to be the first reconciliation but don’t spend the next few days stressing about what will be said. Fil was hurt too and the only thing he could possibly fabricate is you turning the dc against him which Fil already knows isn’t true.

Sending hugs and hoping you don’t have the rain we have here.

I can’t imagine that your FIL will do anything against you and his grandchildren. Your EX will have to do some very persuasive talking to get round his behaviour.

@MoreLegsThanMe - are you managing to offload onto friends or other family? It’s incredibly useful. Especially when you can spread it out a bit!

I was incredibly rattled every time my STBEXs name came up on my phone. When I had to meet him. When I passed him driving in the opposite direction. When I knew he’d been shagging his new girl in our marital bed. I could go on....

But But But.... it does get better. At the moment you are still legally married etc but when you initiate the divorce process and start to get your head around your life going forward, your feelings will start to change, and be easier to cope with.

It’s a time thing, really.

He can try to blame you but wrecking your marriage and abandoning your children without so much as a goodbye to run off with someone you met on a site for adulterers, is going to need rather a lot of sugar-coating to be palatable.

Don't be too surprised, however, if FIL reconciles with him. He is his child and FIL is elderly, frail and probably conscious he doesn't have that many years left. It won't mean FIL doesn't value you or believes any of H's nonsense, just that he loves him in spite of what he is and what he's done, because he is his child.

I think it's natural to be rattled whenever H pops up, even at secondhand. The thought of him is like a sore spot that's healing. It is healing but it's still going to be painful if it's prodded. It won't always.

Rain is due here too. The garden needs it so I shall try not to think of the washing I was planning to dry in the sunshine.

Yes, he is a useless arsewipe. The torn, spoilt, scratchy packet left on the shelf when everyone else has panic-bought all the other loo roll.

Have a good day MoreLegs.

A used arsewipe, perhaps?

(Lurker cheering you on.)

Oh, I don’t know... my friend’s FIL was so horrified by his son’s shocking betrayal of his family (5 kids) and saw my friend cleaning houses for a living while unable to have a hip replacement surgery due to a cardiac complaint... She supported her kids through tertiary studies and they all did very well for themselves. She helped him move from his house into a retirement home and kept in touch for the sake of the kids and because they had a genuine care respect for each other. She was shocked to discover that none of his kids had bothered with him when he was in the retirement village or when he was moved to the nursing home, but the nursing home were wonderful witnesses in court when his kids contested his will - he had left everything to her, and if she were to go before him, then the remainder to her kids! (His kids lost, obvs!)

btw, am not insinuating that this is why you should continue relationship with FIL, or that you have your eye on his vast estate, @MoreLegsThanMe*. You have a soul.

Thank you all x

I’ve spent most of the day panicking and worrying about what might have been said when they met. I want to know it all, word for word.

But I can’t ask my FIL to do that can I. In a way their meeting was private (I’m not sure if FIL’s wife was present).

When FIL and I spoke previously he was considering a new Will. If he was to leave a share to H no doubt it would be spent by him and her on holidays or “stuff”, whatever. I suggested if he changed it maybe H’s share could be shared amongst the DC. I don’t want anything. I would never expect that.

Oh tonight I just feel so lonely. Regardless of how the meeting went DH still has OW by him through the night.

Today it’s rained hard, and a little snow. Tomorrow I pick the lawnmower up from the repairman, but I can’t see the lawn drying out any time soon.

I really thought I was progressing but today has sent me backwards I think. I’d rather FIL hadn’t mentioned the meeting to me. I can only hope he hadn’t been taken in by H’s patter. He can be very charming when he wants to be.

The bastard.

x

@MoreLegsThanMe You are experiencing a small blip at the moment with the rubbish weather and H meeting his df. Hold in there this time will pass.

@MoreLegsThanMe it’s bound to be hard for his father. Nobody wants their son to turn out as he has. It will be conflicting for FIL as he no doubt loves his son and is appalled by him at the same time. He also loves you and his grandchildren and doesn’t want to be seen as disloyal. However, I doubt he will have been taken in, though. Whatever is said, his son’s actions speak louder than any words. He’ll see through it.
Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling like this. Of course it seems very unfair that on the surface he seems to ‘have it all’ with OW whilst you are still suffering and striving at home. It bloody sucks. But that’s only true presuming everything in the garden is rosy. Look at the facts:
A clinging, desperate OW, struggling to be able to see her own children, weighed down by the shame and guilt, their sex life controlled by his Dyson Dick, trying to make a sunk-costs fallacy relationship work with the background of his deceit, lies, shame and out and out loathing coming from his children. And that’s the potted version.

Still sound rosy? Don’t envy his shitshow, Legs. You wouldn’t want a ‘man’ at that price.
Hang in there lovely. XX

Hi Legs, would you consider counselling, just getting it out of your system to someone you don't know, the anger. You have been remarkable how you have kept it together without telling others except your immediate family. Writing a journal of anger or sadness can help too and you can look back and see how far you have come.

It will feel triggering every time you hear of him, but you do need to get it out, speak to someone in RL, you always have us but I think a therapist could give you coping strategies to help when he gets in touch.
Either that or get a dartboard with pictures of him on it, and fire away.

Take care, I think you're so strong.
xx

I agree with @Onthedunes - counselling may help you. You are suffering a bereavement of sorts.

You should also change his name on your phone to Wankbadger! 😂

Don’t forget part of the healing process is learning how to cope when things get triggered, so whilst the trigger may have set things back, it’s actually a step forward in disguise as next time, you won’t be so worried.

Your weather sounds worse than ours although our heating has gone back on recently.

He definitely needs to rethink his will. Suppose your ex and the ow marry? As he is older, he is likely to die first. As his wife she would inherit and then any money from your FIL would go to her children, not yours. Similar has happened - or will happen - in my family.

Dear MoreLegs it doesn't matter what sort of self-justifying tripe H comes up with, his actions speak for themselves. It sounds as though your FIL values you and is appalled at what has happened. He's not going to change his mind about you, even though he loves his son and is likely to still want him in his life.

FIL does need to change his will if he wants to guarantee a share for his grandchildren but I doubt we need to tell you that.

Don't beat yourself up because you're upset at FIL meeting H. You are doing marvellously but you are still fragile and anything that reminds you of him is painful and will be for a while.

I agree H has nothing for you to envy. In the short term he might have OW but he threw away everything of value in his life for his fling with her and I really can't see it lasting. Then he'll have nothing.

Do you think counselling might help? You have us, you always have us whenever you need to talk about it, but we aren't experts. Maybe someone trained would be better at devising coping techniques.

Your weather sounds dire. It's most definitely spring-like here. I hope some of it wafts your way soon.

Take care, lovely.

Your doing amazing. Stay strong 🥰

Thank you x

I don’t think counselling would help if I’m honest - please don’t think I have anything against it, I really don’t - but I just couldn’t tell anyone. Not even a stranger. It was hard enough admitting it to the doctor in an online consultation. I’ve always been so private. At work I was always struck by how easily some people talked about the most private things. I realised sometimes that I knew mostly everything about them, and they knew nothing about me.

I think I get this from my DM. When my DF died she was just amazing. Icy. Never told anyone how she felt. Two weeks after his death her neighbour rang me, worried for her as she’d cleared all of DF’s belongings, clothes, everything out of the house. The neighbour’s DH had died previously and she still had all his things. She gently suggested that my DM speak to someone but she refused, saying it wouldn’t bring DF back so what was the point. I feel like that I suppose. It won’t change anything so why just sit talking about it. It just seems so self-indulgent (for me. I don’t mean other people).

Nobody knows (except you). I don’t want to be pitied and I’m sure people would mean well but...I’d like to have had a close friend though that I could’ve turned to.

I spoke with FIL after his hospital appointment today. He’s going to have a pacemaker fitted. He said H turned up yesterday and stayed for two-and-a-half hours. Apparently H didn’t mention me or the DC although FIL did. There doesn’t seem to have been one shred of remorse, shame, guilt, regret. Nothing.

I didn’t think I could hurt any more but the fact that he didn’t even ask after his DC (or me I suppose) was just like another twisting knife. It’s like he’s literally erased all of us. I don’t know if that’s a coping mechanism or if he genuinely couldn’t give a fuck. I fear it’s the latter.

I will get over this bit I know, but it’s horrible while it lasts.

I got my lawnmower back from the repair shop today (picked it up while it was snowing so I have no idea when the grass will dry out enough to use it).

I also had DS’s parents evening. All done by videocall which was so much better than hanging around in a hall waiting for a teacher to be free, then making a run for it once you see the spare chair. I hope they keep this version. DS is doing well and I’m proud of him. Normally I’d share with H but of course not any more. That’s hard too.

Another whinefest from me tonight. Sorry!

x

I’m sorry Legs. It must really hurt to feel like you have been written out of his life. He’s just run away from reality entirely, hasn’t he? What was FIL’s feeling about EX’s erasure of you and kids?

I understand Legs, counselling is not for everyone, concerning your husband and your FIL, I don't think he has forgotten you, I think it's just too painful for him to mention you all.

When people really do wrong it is incredibly hard for them to speak about it, it's far easier to close any conversation down than explain why something happened.
His lack of mentioning you shows to me he knows what he has done is unforgivable because if he did think there was an excuse he would be smearing your name to others and defending himself.

I think he does give a fuck.... for himself thats why he's running away from himself. In the words of the great Bob Marley "you can run away but you can't run away from yourself"
Don't worry there's plenty of time for him to be shown what an areshole he is.

Have a good day, hope you can get out in the garden.

Legs, @Onthedunes has it spot on yet again. There’s no way he doesn’t give a fuck. He’s definitely hiding and avoiding like the plague. He can’t face it. He can’t face himself. He actually daren’t face it or what it says about him, it doesn’t fit with his preferred self-image. It most certainly is a coping mechanism but it never works long term. Cracks appear and it will manifest as huge problems later on.
You’re doing great and we’re here to vent to whenever you want. XX

Yes I agree with @Onthedunes if he were able to justify his actions he would, but he can’t so he avoids it.

If he doesn't talk about it, it didn't happen. Or if it did, it was nothing to do with him.

So he's a coward in addition to everything else. It doesn't surprise me MoreLegs. You were in every sense the better half in your marriage. Without your support he shows himself to be a very shoddy sort of person.

I agree counselling isn't for everyone and there's no one right way to recover. I understand exactly what you mean. I have always been a very private person too and I know I learnt that from my mother. It is difficult, if not well nigh impossible, to go against a lifetime's training.

Congratulations to your DS. With all the upheavals of lockdowns, not to mention H's shenanigans, he should be very, very proud of himself to be getting such good reports from his teachers. And you should be proud of yourself for giving him such a good foundation to build on.

Snow! Oh you are definitely overdue some sunshine.

Take care. I hope today's been better.

Thank you x

You’re all so right about him avoiding. I’m sure he’s pretending to himself that the last thirty-seven years didn’t happen. I am still so, so unhappy about his treatment of the DC. I thought he loved them but now I’m not so sure. No effort from him to try and build bridges. Virtually no contact apart from the crap food and an offer to go to McDonald’s. It’s like he wants them to make the first move. They won’t. DD4 yesterday called him a lying cheating scumbag. She’s on her way to being accepted to volunteer at a local hospice. I know she’d have wanted to tell him all about it but she won’t now. She doesn’t want him to know which university she’ll go to. It’s just unbearably sad.

And if it could be any worse, he probably thinks it’s me coaching them.

I really don’t know how FIL felt about their meeting. He never said and it just felt wrong for me to ask. He may tell my SIL more when they speak on Saturday.

I think of them in that flat, all wrapped up in each other, no DC to trouble them, just each other. It makes me so angry that I’m left like this feeling the way I do and buoying up the DC. Even silly things like housework and laundry and ironing - he has none of that. They can literally do as they like.

We had more rain/snow/hail today. I’m really hoping this weekend will be better.

I’ve just started to think about the possibility of moving on and how hard it would be. Just the logistics of having a partner and what the DC would think. I really can just see me alone for the rest of my life now. At least then I could say with 100% confidence that I wasn’t being lied to.

I hate them for doing this to me I honestly do. I’ve no self-worth, self-esteem, nothing. Is it dramatic to say that I’m damaged, broken?

All my posts recently seem to be self-pitying, don’t they. I’m sorry. It helps to write it down though.

I’m too sad even to insult him tonight...

x

But you’re entitled to feel sorry for yourself, you’d feel sad for a friend who was going through what you are. You’re imagining them ‘all wrapped up in each other’ which exacerbates your feelings of loneliness and rejection - you are carrying the load, working hard, running your life and nurturing your children. Your life seems the opposite of his - in your imagination. You do feel broken, especially at nights. But it WON’T always be this way, time will soften the sharpest of these pains. There’s no need to think about new relationships at this point - concentrate on helping yourself recover from these major traumas, the horrifying behaviour of your husband, the end of your marriage, and this enforced leap into a new world. It will take time to readjust, so don’t berate yourself for your feelings. Treat yourself as you would a grieving friend. You deserve gentleness and patience, and while you will never understand his behaviour, take comfort in the knowledge that you won’t always feel this bad.

Well, DD4's suggestion of "lying, cheating scumbag" fits the bill quite nicely for tonight's insult. Only it isn't an insult, it's an accurate description.

I wouldn't say "damaged" and certainly not "broken". Wounded or deeply hurt seems more appropriate. It's certainly entirely reasonable for you to feel like that after a betrayal on this scale.

The thing is no matter how sad this wretch makes you feel whenever he intrudes on your peace of mind, you always pick yourself up and go on the next day. It's a measure of your courage and determination, and he couldn't match you in that in a million years.

He's got nothing. They don't know each other. They don't have a shared history. No one who goes looking for hook-ups on a site facilitating adultery is much of a prospect for a healthy relationship. The illusions they hold about each other are born of their own inadequacies. It's a question of how long they can go on lying to themselves and each other.

Moving on is a long time in the future. You need to recover at the moment. But never say never. And even if you are adamant you could never trust another partner it's far better than being trapped with a serial liar and cheat. You are worth so much more.

I wish I could send you some of the nice weather we're having. I don't think I've bothered with a coat or a jacket to go outside all week.

Tomorrow's another day and hopefully a sunnier one in every sense.

Sleep tight MoreLegs. One foot in front of the other.

You’re really not broken legs, broken implies unable to function and that’s not you is it?
You don’t know how your feelings and expectations will change over time but it’s soon to think of a new relationship as anything more than a future possibility.
Treat yourself with the care and consideration you so obviously do with others.
Counselling or professional support may not be for you now or in the future but you can always change your mind at any point should you wish to. After all there are many things you’ve tried in the last few months which have had positive outcomes.

I’m wishing you some sunshine for the weekend and please take good care.