Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

This is a great update, at the beginning you were saying I won’t have him back, but I didn’t really believe you, but you are getting stronger and more independent by the day. I do wonder if you were always too strong for him, you’ve raised 5 kids I doubt he had a massive input into that, you’ve seen him through an ED, you’ve seen him through his sex issues. He needed you, he needed your strength. Now probably for the first time ever, he wants to feel like the strong one who looks after someone, so rather than get a hamster he’s gone out and found the first pitiful thing he could find that makes him feel big. In the meantime you’re discovering you really are superwoman who can drill holes into a house and it looks awesome.

As for spiders, if ds isn’t around, get a glass and a postcard and do it that way, it’s less scary than picking up dog poo

I also think you should let the kids know where you’re at with the divorce petition, they may have questions and want to talk, they may feel happy for you, they will have emotions they need to process too. It will also make you feel more in control if you mention it to your work colleagues, up until now you’ve kept everything to yourself, you don’t want to bother anyone, but just getting it out there will be a weight off your mind. I get the not wanting it to seem real thing but you will feel lighter if you know people know, you can share your phrase of the day with them.

Keep on going @MoreLegsThanMe you’re amazing.

Hats off to you Legs, you're amazing. Imagine in a few more months how much better again you'll be feeling. You're an inspiration.

Also, if you don’t speak openly to the kids, he will pull a stunt that involves a manipulation involving him pulling out proof that “She’s divorcing ME you know....” and acting all hurt and surprised.

Thank you x

I dreamt about them last night. It’s the first time that’s happened. OW and I were fighting and he sided with her. Bit of a pathetic dream I know, but I woke up sweating, heart pounding. It was horrible.

Of course Sunday is the day he left but I genuinely can’t remember how many weeks he’s been gone now. At the start I was counting it in hours, days, but already I’m forgetting how long it’s been. I don’t know if I should still be able to recall?

I have a big heavy sign - you know, sign that you see going into a new county. I’ve had it years and it’s been propped against the fence for the six years we’ve lived here. H always said it was too heavy and awkward to put up anywhere.

Well this afternoon DS and I did it! Such a sense of achievement. It just reinforces the feeling of not needing H. I not only can do this stuff, I am doing it.

I will speak to the DC about the divorce. I’m pretty sure they’re expecting it to happen anyway. H certainly doesn’t deserve such fantastic DC.

I’m hoping for the marriage certificate any day now and then off we go. I’ll probably be back here in floods of tears when I’ve done it.

Dog wise it’s between a Wolfhound and a Newfoundland. It has to be something I can cuddle with.

I feel I’ve done okay today, what with your daily dose of support, so thank you again.

I wonder what the limp dicked wonder is up to this evening..

x

Oh I love both of those breeds. I would probably choose the Newfy simply because the fur is softer. My nutty dog has Newfy genes. (But don’t hold that against them.)
I wouldn’t be surprised if the shine was coming off his side of the relationship anyway. I’ll bet her kids are always hanging around and getting in the way of his romantic dream. Also imagine that she wasn’t the brilliant mum you are, so they are as gauche and ill-mannered as she is. It will be rubbing him the wrong way constantly. Good.
He will be squirming and pretending he hasn’t fucked up. Like the old fart in the Little Golden Book of Mid-Life Crises.

Well done with the sign, that’s awesome.

And he’s an arse even in your dreams.

Hope you have a good day today

Good morning MoreLegs. What a horrible nightmare - enough to upset anyone. And yet you managed to put it behind you and sort out putting up your sign. So much for it being too "heavy and awkward". Well done to you and DS. You're not only doing this stuff, you're doing it well.

Forgetting how long he's been gone is normal. It's starting to blur as you move on and it's a really good sign. His power to hurt you is diminishing. And, no, he doesn't deserve his lovely DC. Or you.

My, those are big dogs! Gorgeous but I imagine they eat a lot - even more than a teenage boy - and take a lot of walking. You will be super fit in no time. And there's certainly plenty of them to cuddle.

Have a good day.

This is my doofus of a newfie Ava she's very cuddly but thinks she's a lap dog!!

Oh and those are my grown up legs you can just about see!! She's huuuuuge!!

Excellent dog idea and I should imagine the kids will love it, have you asked them which type they would like?

My partner wasn't keen on animals so at first I volenteered at an animal rescue, when I was ready I got both a cat and a dog and they are amazing. Love em to bits and I know you will, whatever you choose.

Have a lovely day legs.
x

@MoreLegsThanMe I've read both your threads over the past few weeks and have been trying to find a way to say this without putting my foot firmly in my mouth. I think you're doing wonderfully, and it's so good to see you feeling stronger and stronger over time. Your children sound like a great bunch of brilliant people, which is a credit to you.

What I want to say relates to your images of his new life, and I have to say this but worry about tactlessness, as I know, whatever you're going through now, that you have loved him for a very long time, and he is part of your children, and part of your family history.

I can't imagine anything worse that being the OW. She is stuck with a man a lot older than her, with sexual dysfunction (I could do vacuum sex with a long term partner I had enormous emotional investment in, but with a new partner?), now with heart problems. That sounds awful. Then she's dealing with a man who will be, however it is manifesting itself out of your sight, dealing with the loss of the relationship with his own children and grandchildren, and family members - guilt, resentment, hurt. Finally her own relationship with her children is now a disaster zone, and she's spending time with them in a two bedroom flat with her new partner around. Seriously, there are not enough classy throw cushions in the world to make that life OK. And for him, he's coping with all that PLUS step parenting younger children at a time in his life I suspect he doesn't want to be doing that sort of thing.

So when you post about picturing their happiness, I just shiver at the whole set up and how both of them could well be wondering how on earth they disengage from this. If not yet, then soon.

Whereas you have your loving family, your own home, your self-respect and a future that you can build to be what you want it to be, taking your own time to think about your needs. Yes, you are alone right now, but you are totally in control of your life from this point onwards. Everyone who has been in a relationship that ended with infidelity can relate to your worries about trusting again, but so many of us meet someone who makes us realise that there are still a lot of good, genuine, honest people out there. You deserve one of them, and every future happiness.

I think you should tell the kids about putting the petition in for divorce. Tbh, they’ll be half expecting it anyway... and will probably admire you all the more for taking a stand against their fathers appalling behaviour.

I sort of felt that when I had to leave the family home last summer. The DCs said they were very proud of me, said how brave I was, and admired the stance I’d taken with STBEX.

So, approach it from a ‘leading by example’ rather than anything else. Keep your head high.

You’re doing so very well, and have kept the moral high ground throughout.

I wouldn’t want to stop you getting a dog, but I have held off getting one myself because I need to get my act together to see what kind of life I’m going to make for myself. (I used to have 2 and loved them dearly).

They are a fabulous distraction, and make the lack of company bearable... but...but.

@Fooshufflewickjbannanapants I love Ava (and your username!)

Well done legs another achievement, another successful day!
I really want to see a photo of the sign now......

@Justilou1 here's one of her as a pup, Newfoundland are so cuddly and beautiful and lazy and soft and shite

Omg! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

Thank you x

I’d hoped for the marriage certificate today but of course when I spoke to them last week they were three weeks behind so I was over optimistic wasn’t I.

DD4 told me she’d had a message from H earlier (so I imagine did the other DC given his propensity to cut and paste). He was calling her “darling” and hoping she’d had a lovely weekend. It’s so pathetic.

I see the hand of OW in these messages - go on just send one, just keep it light, send it to all of them, blah blah - and it really angers me.

They’re probably well-overdue a cheap cake or biscuit or whatever now too.

@Constantcrayfish you didn’t put your foot anywhere near your mouth. You’ve reiterated what other wise posters have said. It’s not that I don’t believe what you all say, but I really do wonder if he has feelings of guilt, regret, shame etc. He’s so self-absorbed that I think about what he actually does feel. I can’t see him lying awake worrying about any of us, for example. Or lying awake thinking what have I done..whereas I spend a lot of my nighttimes lying awake thinking what has he done.

I’m hoping the weather is a bit better tomorrow. I’ve got a metal patio table and chairs that have seen better days, so I want to paint them.

I’m proud that I’m doing all this DIY-type stuff but there’s also an element of take that you tosser in there too.

Lying little wankbadger.

x

Excellent wankbadger

Yes I remember my cursing language became on point !

I think you are right legs I don't think he's at the remorse stage yet but I do think he will get to the regret stage, whether that includes shame and guilt is another matter.

So long as you get to the retribution stage with that petition.

Sleep tight.
x

I suspect you are right about the hand of the other woman @MoreLegsThanMe... not because she feels guilty, but because she feels insecure. He is probably ranting about your lack of response and you are taking up a lot more bandwidth in their love nest than she is comfortable with. She was rather hoping to erase you completely, but you haven’t behaved according to plan. (How terribly selfish of you 😆👏👍👏😆) So, just like EX marching up the path as though he still had a right to be there, she is inserting herself into the language of the text messages (possibly even dictated or wrote the bloody things) to get into YOUR head.

I agree with @MoreLegsThanMe, I don’t think he has all these feelings of guilt, shame or regret that we would like him to have. He doesn’t have that morality - if he did he wouldn’t have treated op and the dc like he has. There is no earthly point trying to figure out what goes on in his head (and certainly not worth wasting brain time on the ow), we don’t think think like they do, it’s as simple as that. A different species. Hopefully you’ll be getting better at dismissing him from your thoughts when he sneaks in unbidden and very much unwanted. All power to you op and your diy exploits!

at wankbadger.

The mills of officialdom do grind exceedingly slow. Let's hope they make an exception and get the marriage certificate to you sooner rather than later.

Sounds like he's getting nervous, MoreLegs. Could he be getting some inkling of the damage he's done to his relationship with the DC? It's too little, too late, anyway. They'll never forget this even if they are able to bring themselves to mend bridges with him to some extent. What a fool. All communication with his lovely children reduced to polite messages at best. I'd almost feel sorry for him if he hadn't brought it all entirely on himself. Actually, no, I wouldn't feel sorry for him. He doesn't deserve anyone's pity.

Gorgeous weather here at the moment, so hopefully you'll be able to set about transforming the table and chairs today MoreLegs - you put me to shame, you really do! Though it turns out I hadn't killed the mint after all.

@Fooshufflewickjbannanapants what a love of a puppy. She looks like the most expensive soft toy from Hamleys - so cuddly.

Have a good day, MoreLegs.

Glad not to upset you; I wasn't sure reading through previous posts whether anyone else had been quite as vehement as me in their horror at the idea. Even if he is still fooling himself right now that it'll all be OK and everyone will come round, it will dawn on him over time and continue to poison the new relationship. And I'm going to guess that having his birthday well and truly ignored was no fun at all even for someone with his head up his arse.

I used to have a partner (unfaithful, selfish, liked to put me down) who liked to refer to himself as 'Badger' and was inordinately fond of wanking. Very fitting.

Take that you tosser is spot on, I bet if you’d have tried to do the jobs when he was around he would have made out it was not possible and huffed and fussed.

So let’s shout it from the rooftop TAKE THAT YOU TOSSER.

Thank you x

Take that you tosser shall be my motto.

I spoke with my FIL today. He is sounding really quite elderly and frail now, which is sad. He said that H is coming to see him tomorrow, which really threw me. Apparently they’ve spoken over the phone and H said something along the lines of with hindsight, he wished he’d done things differently.

I wanted to say so much to FIL. To ask him to tell H exactly what he’s done, the state he left me in (and the state I’m still in), why leave his DC without even saying goodbye, just why, why, why. But of course I said nothing. It’s not fair to ask FIL to relay anything to H is it. I imagine FIL will have some home truths to tell him. He’s warned H to come on his own. Apparently she will be at work.

FIL has a hospital appointment on Thursday morning so I’ll ring that afternoon to check how it went, and maybe he will let me know how the meeting panned out.

I wonder why H has chosen to visit him now.

I expect he will have his own story with me cast as the villain of the piece. Let’s face it he’s had long enough to come up with one. I just hope FIL isn’t taken in by it.

Just as when I saw him at the house, knowing he’s seeing FIL tomorrow has really unsettled me. I don’t know why this happens? I spend my life pretending he’s just gone, disappeared, and then he pops up somehow and it just rattles me.

No outside work today. We’ve had torrential rain on and off all day, and it’s still raining now. Hopefully tomorrow might be better.

He’s a useless arsewipe (DD4’s favourite insult).

x

Arsewiping is a necessary function though..... this man is utterly useless.