Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Just dropping in to say well done on keeping going and being so honest here. No words of wisdom as you have had plenty of advice and good suggestions from posters. I check in every day to see how things are with you and am hoping today was a better day.

Sleep well

Thank you all so much x

I feel better today, although of course the nights are my worst time. @billybagpuss you have it so right - hibernate is a better word. Curl up in my den and just sleep until I’m ready to start again.

@CatChant yes they have a two-bedroom flat. He even lied to me about what was in it. He said he’d sold the sofa and white goods prior to coming back in December. Along with the huge heartbreaking lies he’s also told so many smaller ones. DDs 1 and 2 have both said separately to me could it be he has something wrong mentally? Is he wired differently? I know he’s a consummate liar for sure.

@justilou1 I take your point that saying I won’t have sex again sounds dramatic. I didn’t mean it to. It was more pragmatic I think. I know that I couldn’t sleep with someone unless there was a level of trust there, and I just can’t take the risk of trusting when I spent so long trusting someone who then shattered that trust. Imagine if it happened again with someone else.

There haven’t been any more messages since the one asking me to get DS to check his phone. DD4 told me just tonight that she hasn’t heard from him in quite a long while. Earlier on in this journey I would’ve pounced on any message from him, hoping it would contain an explanation, apology, anything. Now when I hear from him it reminds me he’s alive and only about forty-five minutes’ drive away. I’ve realised I don’t want to hear from him. I can cope if I pretend he’s just...gone, if that makes sense?

The GP has repeated the prescription for the antidepressants. I don’t know if it’s them, time passing, or a combination of the two that’s keeping me this bit better. I’d like to keep on taking them until I’m past all the “firsts”.

I feel I can say anything to you all and you won’t judge. I wish I could see you all in person and tell you how much support I’m taking from you. I’m more grateful than you could know.

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise (Les Miserables)

x

Legs. I have been with your posts from day one. I just wish with all my heart that you can get to that place where this dreadful man is not part of your life. You say you worry about being lonely, alone and without a partner.

In reality you have been alone even with this man. He did not care about you or his wonderful children when he was with the OW. Would you rather still be lonely with this cheating, lying scumbag impotent apology for a husband - who relies on a pumped up cock or would you prefer to forge a new life for yourself where he is but an uncomfortable distant memory?

Was it a Robin Williams who said the worst thing in life was not being lonely but being lonely in a crowd of people - in your case a crowd of one.

My circumstances are different to yours. My husband of 53 years died one year and one week ago today - my soulmate and best friend. At first I felt lost and lonely but I am slowly making a new life for me on my own. It is not easy but through the fog of my brain I see and realise I will be happy on my own.

No one knows what is in store for us and perhaps that is a good thing about life. It leaves us open to unexpected events and surprises. Please do not stress about the future just try and have a go at life one step at a time.

You too have had a terrible shock and your very life’s foundations have been rocked. You are down but you are not out. Just hearing about your lovely family - (I hope your DD’s new job is going well) proves beyond doubt what a wonderful caring person you are. You are amazing and once the divorce is behind you I know your amazingness will help you find the happier next chapter of your life.

Try to ignore any messages, emails, calls etc from your soon to be ex. It is his way of keeping the thread between you open. By ignoring him you show him you do not care or are interested. He forfeited that when he left. The collective wisdom of MN knows his relationship will not stand the test of time. The OW must be desperate as she took on a man with a gold plated CV clearly showing he is a lying cheating failure of a husband and father. How secure must she be knowing this of him? He did it once he can do it again with no more thought of hurting her than he did of you.

One thing I have learned is when I have negative, endlessly roaring around your brain thoughts , thinking of the many wrongs I have done and had done to me, in your case imagining what they are up to - is to shout out loud “STOP”. Each time these corrosive (only to you not the other people) thoughts come into your head shout it out loud again. Shout it out a hundred times on the go if necessary. By shouting out you are telling your brain to shut up and stop these very painful thoughts. It does work. If you are in the supermarket just shout it silently in your head!

One day he will realise he didn’t lose you and his children - he threw you all away, what a terrible legacy this will no doubt at all prove to be in his sad lonely old age. Take care, we are all on your side urging you on.

Good morning MoreLegs. I'm so glad you felt brighter yesterday. And it's really good that you recognise you are happier not hearing from him. It shows how far you've come already.

Some people are just consummate liars. It's hard to fathom why and I suppose the best most of us can come up with is just to be aware they are untrustworthy and behave accordingly. It's difficult because so often they are complete 'charm the birds out of the trees' types too. Only sooner or later the cover slips. I think most of us learn the hard way the truth of "when someone shows you who they are, believe it " .

You can always say anything to us. We may differ in our ideas about possible courses of action but that's just detail. We can all see your integrity and we are all willing you on because you are worth it.

I hope today's a good one.Take care.

Thank you x

@dodiebantock I’m so sorry for your loss. You have amazing strength.

I always thought that my marriage would only end with the death of one of us. I could never have imagined it would end like this.

I chased up the copy marriage certificate today. It’s apparently in hand but requests are being dealt with strictly from the date of receipt and my request is nearly three weeks behind the ones being dealt with today. No matter though. Once it arrives I will issue.

I’m trying to act strong about the divorce yet I don’t want to do it. I really don’t. But I can’t see any way around it. There isn’t anything else to be done is there? I remember the last thing OW shouted at me in the street in December - “he’ll never be faithful to you”. I know it’s true, he’s incapable of it. I can’t have him back yet I don’t want to be divorced. What is wrong with me?

I heard from DD1 today. She hasn’t heard from H since he sent her birthday card (first week of this month). The others all say they haven’t heard anything either. This is a man who supposedly was/is a good father and who loves his DC. He’s not making any effort at all is he. He knows nothing whatsoever about their lives now - DD3’s new car, DD4’s referral to hospital, DS’s referral to the orthodontist for braces. Nothing Earth-shattering, just everyday things. And along with knowing nothing about their lives he has zero responsibility. Literally none. The DC will never stay in that flat with the OW around, they just wouldn’t do it. It’s just him and her doing exactly as they please.

I wish you could all come out from behind your keyboards and give me a hug. I could really do with being told everything will be okay and I’ll be alright.

I wonder how he’ll feel when the Petition arrives. I’d be absolutely devastated but he probably won’t turn a hair will he.

Thank you so much again.

x

you're doing great... 🌸

Oh MoreLegs my dear, I wish I could give you a proper hug. But I do believe happier times are in store for you and that a time will come when you'll be glad and relieved to be free of him.

There's nothing wrong with you. You didn't break up your marriage, he did. It's natural to mourn the end of it. You didn't want this outcome and I'm sure it was always you, never him, who did their best to keep everything going over the years.

So it must be very hard to accept there is nothing more to be done and take your freedom. But it is freedom, freedom from lies, deceit and wondering what will be the next betrayal. You deserve so much better.

When OW did her fishwife act she failed to put 2 + 2 together and realise he'll never be faithful to her either. Because he isn't capable of being faithful to anyone. The grass will always be greener somewhere else.

Somehow I doubt he'll not turn a hair when the petition turns up. I think he'll be shocked that you haven't stayed quietly in the compartment he's filed you in in his head. He really does seem to think that, no matter how he behaves, you and the DC will remain the same as you've always been. He is such a fool.

I hope today was easier. You sounded stronger. Have you any plans this weekend now that we can go out again? I need to buy a new mint plant. I didn't think it was possible to kill mint but I seem to have achieved it.

Sleep tight, lovely.

HUG! 🤗
There is nothing ‘wrong’ with you - you are a decent, sensitive and trusting woman.

Also if we all hugged you MoreLegs you might get crushed.......
💐

You do realise @MoreLegsThanMe that once we all pile in, it’ll be a scrum of hugs?! 🤗

I’m in awe of some of the eloquently written posts you have on this thread, and you are surrounded by some wise wise women.

It does get better. It really does. It’s a marathon, not a sprint... so surround yourself with good people, good friends, nice things to look forward to...a rescue dog, a trip to the beach with a picnic. Meeting a friend for an al fresco lunch? These will be your stepping stones to your new life.

Put your head down and put one foot in front of the other.

You don’t mention what RL help you have? Do you have friends or family to offload to either f2f or over the phone?

You need to gather together “Team Legs”

I meant to say I heard a clip of Whitney Houston singing ‘Step by Step’ a few days ago. I’d forgotten how much I liked it.

Very apt for those plodding through sh*te in their life.

@OP just read the whole thread. You sound like a great mum. Time heals, give yourself some time, you’re already doing amazing.

I know it's only virtual but it's there all the same. You are doing so well. Honestly I think you're amazing, dignified, honest, caring, kind considerate and a brilliant mum. Step by step is right. You've got this.

I wonder how he’ll feel when the Petition arrives. I’d be absolutely devastated but he probably won’t turn a hair will he.

I bet it won't be as easy for him as you think. I suspect as soon as he is divorced the OW will be pestering him for marriage. Does she think he has money perhaps? he could come under a lot of uncomfortable pressure that might upset the love nest.

Might not be all plain sailing for him. Whereas you will be footloose and fancy free!

and 💐
I can’t imagine how you feel but I am sure that things will get better, it’s just such a painful road to get there.
These words really resonated with me
he’ll never be faithful to you”
I wonder how long it will be before there applicable to her? Pretty inevitable I would think, or will his over-inflated ego (and dick) explode or deflate first?

I know it’s true, he’s incapable of it. I can’t have him back yet I don’t want to be divorced. What is wrong with me?
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, you’re an honest, decent and very caring woman who will survive and make a new life for herself and the DCs. He’ll be stuck and left behind for sure, wondering what he’s lost.
There are far more eloquent and wise people on here than me, I just wanted to send a hug and love.

This time next year he will be irrelevant and he will have hardly any space in your head at all.

You’re doing brilliantly, I’d love to come out from behind the keyboard and go for a proper chinwag walk with you, things like that are so important. Here’s a pic of my dog who would like to come too.

As for him, he’s alienated his entire family, has made zero effort, I think he will try not to be effected by the divorce petition but I bet his mood will come as a surprise to OW.

Keep on doing what you’re doing you’ve had a lull this week, which means your due another upwards move.

Here is my good girl pretending it’s me she loves, not my chicken. I’m sending you a huge hug from the Southern Hemisphere! You are really doing so well to see through the illusion of who you thought he was (who you needed him to be) to the reality. There is so much hope! You need to play some crap disco music and make your kids plug their ears. Dance around the kitchen with a glass of wine (at an appropriate time) and remember that you are constantly evolving. I’m so proud of you!!!

Hugs to you, Legs. We can’t see everyone on here but you’re not alone.
I honestly think that when the petition arrives, it will make it more ‘real’ for him. He might even be in denial about the enormity of what he’s done, and preening himself that he could choose (and might even think he still can) between two women. When the petition arrives, he can be in no doubt that one of these women is moving on with her life and doesn’t want or need him in it. I can’t believe for a second that he ‘wouldn’t turn a hair’. What he’s done is so callous and uncaring that on the surface it might look as if he’d take no more notice of it than a pizza advert plopping through the letterbox.
He will, Legs. Underneath the surface there is shame, guilt, pain and regret which he’s been trying to avoid and push down deep. It’s real now. I hope he can face his demons because they are about to show up. X

You are definitely not alone on here Legs, you have so much support and respect from loads of ladies, ( and who some of them don't give their respect away too easily judging on some other threads they are on
I agree though that initiating the divorce will affect him. I believe he would still like the choice to be able to return if things go wrong, most men do. She will love it though, her cat calling in the street shows how competetive she is, she was obviously very annoyed when he returned at Christmas. It sounds as though she's calling the shots, stupid woman.
He will be at the feeling sorry for himself stage, he will have been angry when you didn't respond to his texts and if that petition falls through the door, it's going to feel very real for him.

He won't like his choices being taken away, nobody does.

I hope you have a better day
x

You are still early days, adapting to a new lifestyle and working through the shock of it all but there are worse things in life than to be single, especially the peace of mind it brings from not living with a cheating liar.

Your H has probably been bamboozled by your silence and you not doing the 'pick me' dance - the petition will likely comes a shock too but good to show him you will be getting on with your life not living in hope of him returning (even if you might be having the odd wobble underneath, he doesn't need to know that).

I don't think the love-nest life will be all that either, neither of them are a catch and when the novelty wears off, if it hasn't already, and they find themselves in a 'sunken cost fallacy' relationship it will be pretty miserable for them both. The only question will be which one of them logs back into the cheating-scumbags-r-us app first.

Sending a virtual hug too (and virtual pats for the lovely thread dogs!)

Awww @justilou1 she’s gorgeous and looks a similar breed mix to mine.

If today’s messages from these lovely ladies don’t bring a happy tear to your eye, I don’t know what will.

You are like the duckling swimming up stream, to your Xh you are the epitome of calm and poise, but underneath you’re paddling like mad, but paddling in the right direction.

Thank you x I feel the hugs!

The windowboxes are up now and I was pathetically proud of myself for managing to drill the holes without the house falling down. I’m doing washing/ironing tomorrow and I’ll be out in the garden again.

I’m still thinking about the rescue dog - torn between two breeds and couldn’t just get one of each..

I want the marriage certificate to arrive so I can issue the Petition, but then five minutes later I don’t. Should I tell the DC when it goes in? I can’t imagine how they’ll react - tears and upset or jumping for joy.

I think DD4 may have found the OW via Facebook. I deleted my account the day I was sent those horrible messages and photos. DD4 has been very disparaging about OW’s clothes, hair, her height and weight. Normally I would tell her not to be so rude about someone like that, but I’ve just let her vent. Apparently the OW isn’t a patch on me, but of course she’s only 37 so she has the advantage there. The one thing I couldn’t compete with even if I wanted to, which I don’t.

I’ve thought a lot about what I’d do if their “relationship” fell apart (awwwww, wouldn’t that be sad). In January I would have taken him back for sure. I was so desperate to have lost him I would have done it. But now? I genuinely think not. I believe I’d be able to dredge up some kind of sympathy for him, to his face at least, but there’s absolutely no chance I’d take him back. I’m realising I can do everything without him. Practically, I don’t need him. DS is a fearless spider exterminator. I honestly think that was the only thing H did that I couldn’t. Maybe he prefers the OW who seems to be majorly needy and clingy. Maybe he somehow finds that more feminine than someone who just does stuff. Who knows what’s going on in his mind.

I think too that I may well never see him again, which is comforting and really strange at the same time. Before he left he said he could come here and take DD4 and DS to the pictures, shopping etc. He’s not coming here, no way. I doubt very much he’d just turn up. Even if he did DD4 and DS wouldn’t even go to the door to see him. He’s too cowardly to run a risk like that.

I wish he could see us surviving and the DC thriving. He doesn’t even send them messages asking if they’re well, or message me enquiring about their health.

Self-absorbed selfish bastard.

I’m going to end my future posts with an assortment of apt descriptions of him, first one above. Feel free to join me.

Seriously though, thank you SO much.

x

"I'm realising I can do everything without him. Practically, I don't need him."

Yesss!

Hooray MoreLegs. It is lovely to see that you're feeling brighter and so wonderful that you're recognising just how competent, well in fact, amazing you are without him.

Very well done on the window boxes. I'd be jolly proud of myself too. Drilling holes is one thing but getting them to line up straight is seriously impressive.

Good luck with the dog decision. Dogs vary so much it must be difficult to choose. Are the ones you're tempted by anything like the very endearing duo posted up-thread? Would one of each be a bad thing? I am used to cats, you see, and it is not unusual to get them in pairs.

I think I would tell the DC about the petition because I wouldn't want to risk them first hearing about it from their father. I doubt he'd even consider he ought to spare their feelings when deciding how to tell them. More likely, I think, that they'd get a long spiel of self-justification blaming what's happened on everyone but himself.

Poor DD4. I hope the venting helps. They had no right to turn her life upside down either. And, of course, she is quite right, you are infinitely superior in every way that matters.

Yes, he is a self-absorbed, selfish bastard. And so, so unbelievably stupid.

Good night. Sleep tight. You're a marvellous woman - don't ever forget that.

Just remember that just like husbands, dogs don’t always match the breed description. 🙃 My dog is a Shiloh Shepherd. They are bred to be assistance dogs. Bomb-proof temperaments - calm, gentle, reliable, sensitive, affectionate, etc. Ivy is ummmm... special? She’s nervous - scared of dogs in particular (since being attacked.) But she’s become aggressive towards them, and can’t be trusted. She’s fabulous with us, but I won’t let any friends with young kids come over, just in case. (She’s also enormous.) While that’s potentially overkill, I would never forgive myself if anything happened... She is very nervous around little kids and looks like a fluffy teddy bear, but does NOT love cuddles. (She really is a factory second! Good thing we love her!) I think fostering to begin with, so you know exactly what you’re getting is a fabulous idea. At least my dog is very faithful.... To chicken and my DH. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️ Pity you can’t foster men!

I just read about the kids and the petition... I think you should open up the dialogue. I doubt it will come as a surprise. I very much doubt that they are harbouring fantasies about you taking him back. They know he lives with OW and has been a useless Dad since she turned up. I think you should maybe start the conversation off as taking control of your life and not waiting around for him to get the ball rolling. He shocked everyone by leaving like that, so you might as well hit him with something he won’t expect. Also, you want to ensure that things are set up in the kid’s best interests financially, and you don’t trust OW.

I check every morning to see how your getting on. I think your an amazing, strong woman. Yes, you've had the stuffing knocked out of you. But you have held yourself together for your children and have been so dignified. It's wonderful to see you getting stronger and stronger everyday.