Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

The Cinnamon Trust are usually looking for dog walking volunteers. Hours and days to suit you.
You're doing great. x

If you’re not completely done in with walking, I gather The Ramblers are now leading local walks. That’ll give you a chance to meet other people, without having to explain yourself and your situation, and do a few miles and make new friends along the way.

I haven't commented before but have followed both your threads from the beginning. Firstly, can I say how beautifully you express yourself - just reading some of your posts makes me want to cry.

Secondly I would also advocate trying something new- anything- to give you a boost. It's surprisingly how even something small can make a difference. It will occupy your mind instead of other matters, if only for a short while, and will help raise your mood.

Thank you so much, as ever x

I wrote a really long post which has disappeared somehow.

@Thewookiemustgo and @ByeByeMissAmericanPie you are so right about the sex aspect. I feel like she must have something very special to make a man do what he’s done for nearly a year. @justilou1 you also hit the nail on the head. Barbie legs! I’m still amazed that you all seem to know exactly what to say and that everything you do say makes such sense.

The DC have never mentioned him for ages now, other than to call him names. I’d really like to know how often he’s in touch with them. Hard as it is I don’t pry and never ask if he’s been in contact. At least I know I’m conducting myself properly in respect of the DC. No doubt he’s telling her otherwise but I can’t do anything about that. It won’t get me anywhere overthinking what I can’t influence or change so I try to let it go.

My biggest fear is loneliness stalking me through the coming years. I have no idea how I’ll feel when DS leaves for university.

Thank you too for the lovely quotations, and for the ideas to get involved in. I was saying to DD3 last week that we should consider a car maintenance course. Dog-wise I’m still thinking. It’s a very big commitment. I’ve asked two breed welfare clubs to send me adoption application forms and I’ll see how it goes when we’ve made our final choice of breed and sent the application in. I’d rather rescue than have a puppy I think.

Tomorrow is another day and maybe I’ll feel even more better (although I think I said exactly that last night too).

He won’t win will he?

x

Legs - how could he possibly win?
You are far too smart, sleep tight

Has it occurred to you that the token effort that he has put into contacting the kids and more importantly, the messages he’s sending you, have something to do with future divorce proceedings? I suspect he’s being egged on by OW to try and grasp at more money because there is no way she would want him to pay to support YOUR children. His messages to you could be half-arsed attempts to “prove” parental alienation. (Yeah, right....) I think this is something that you need to discuss other your solicitor as well....

He won't win. He threw away everything of value in his life to follow a will-o-the-wisp.

Hard as it is, everything you do now to struggle through is helping to lay foundations for that new, happier life for yourself. You're building with bricks and he is with straw. A few years up the line I'll bet your life's going to be looking a lot more attractive than his will be.

Your self-discipline in not complaining about him to the DC and making no attempt to prevent contact between them is admirable. We all know it's the ideal one should strive for but I suspect it's much harder than one thinks to bite back the vitriol when it's reality. Yet you've managed it all along right from the beginning when you were in so much pain your posts made it seem palpable. I doubt many people would be capable of such high standards.

I think we all dread loneliness and none of us are guaranteed against it. Women, in particular, are so socialised into looking after others that we forget or have no time to look after ourselves. I think all of us could do with learning to make sure there is something for ourselves in our lives. We are not just carers.

Good luck with the rescue investigations. Hopefully, an older dog would be easier (puppies sound very, very hard work) and it's nice to think you'd be giving an an unwanted animal a home. If you decide a dog's too much at the moment, cats, ahem, are lovely companions and pretty near effort-free, even kittens...

Car maintenance sounds promising. Something completely new to get your teeth into. Think of the money you'd save too. Not to mention the satisfaction of being able to put right mansplainers who suck in their breath and try to baffle with you with jargon about dropped big ends.

Take care MoreLegs. I hope today's a good day.

@MoreLegsThanMe “win”? Seriously?

He’s already lost.
He lost the day he decided to betray his family. He lost the day he put his inflatable dick and matching over inflated ego before his loyal, loving wife. He even lost months, years ago on the day he told you his first lie.
He lost his integrity, his honour, his reputation, his dignity, his mind and even his soul.
He’s lost his family. He’s lost the love and respect of a fine woman and his lovely children. He’s lost the love and respect of his own father. God knows what your friends think of him.

He’s a loser, Legs. He’s such a loser that he’d even somehow manage to lose a loser’s competition. And that’s one he really should win.

The way you get to win is by living your life to the full, to the point he is irrelevant, I totally get you fear being lonely, but you need to focus on things that will make you happy. He’s lost his family, he may reconcile with the kids again, but it will never be the same. His new relationship may last it may not, but he’s hurt a lot of people, you, the dc, his df, he’s been living in a cute littLe lockdown bubble, that is going to burst very shortly. It will be interesting how he copes with the changes.

I love the idea of car maintenance, I have very little clue. Dad tried to tell me how to build an engine when I was a kid but got grumpy as I was focussing on my German homework.

Thank you x

@justilou1picking up on something you said earlier: he told me all along that the implant surgery was “for us”. That he was impatient to get the go-ahead to use it. That once he was able to do that, it would put all the years before into the past and we would be like we were before the ED started. He even told me this again the night before he left. I think in all it’s probably been around eight years since he was last capable of getting it up. So I’ve not had sex in all that time. I waited and waited and waited. Now I don’t know if I’m more angry or just crushed that I put him first for so long. I just wanted him and was prepared to wait it out. I never so much as looked at anyone else. What an utter fool I was to be so, I don’t know, understanding?

It just rules out any hope of any intimate relationship with a man in the future. It’s been so long already that the very thought panics me. Meanwhile he is probably putting it to use on a nightly basis. I can’t understand how he can do that. He’ll have completely blanked out my existence and that of the DC and be totally focused on her, their home as she described it to me when she came to mine “you should see our home, it’s beautiful” and their relationship. What they want. Everything revolves around what he wants.

I feel absolutely empty. As though I’ve just got nothing left. I so much hate the idea of being alone, but I don’t think I could ever trust anyone else as long as I live.

Is it wrong to wish I was dead? I mean I won’t do anything obviously, but just not to be here any more and have to deal with all this.

I’m ranting and rambling again aren’t I.

I haven’t properly read all today’s messages but am going to now. Thank you in advance.

x

Hi Legs.

Just popping by to casually remind you that you're awesome and amazing and such an inspiration. You continue to handle this awful situation which such grace.

I haven't offered advice because this thread is full of people who have experienced what you've been through and are therefore better placed to give you their thoughts, but I check in now and then because you write so beautiful.

Keep being you

@MoreLegsThanMe it’s not ‘wrong’ to wish you were dead, it just says to me that at present you want this to end and you can’t see a way out.
I’ve felt like this before and that’s what I meant at the time. I wasn’t suicidal, I would never have acted on it because of my children, family and friends. I just thought that if I died it would at least stop, because at the time I couldn’t see an end to or an improvement of the tunnel I was in.
There’s no moral judgment on how you feel. It’s understandable.
You deserve a life and your children deserve a happy mum. When we are up close to a very, very painful situation we want it to stop and if it won’t, we want to escape. That’s all this is, Legs. It’s a sign that quite naturally, you want your life to get a whole lot better, free of the weight of this pain you are carrying. It will, Legs.

Try really hard (my God there should be medals for this, it’s so difficult) to move your thoughts away from them and especially their sex life. You have no idea whether it’s working fine or whether it’s actually been a nightmare getting everything ‘working’. You don’t know whether it even does work satisfactorily and it really isn’t your problem. It’s hers and she’s welcome to him.

You don’t need to see their so-called ‘beautiful’ home, their relationship and sex life as them ‘winning’. It’s a relationship started in lies, it’s trashed two families and hurt everyone involved, they have an age gap to struggle with and his ‘new’ willy is actually his old willy with a pump and a balloon. This woman has compromised access to her own children. His children want nothing to do with him. They must be bloody crazy.

If what they have was a prize, would you even enter the competition, let alone want to win?

You’re on your way to a better life. They’re not. It’s not surprising you can’t see it yet. But you are. You truly are. XX

Oh Darling @MoreLegsThanMe, just because it inflates, doesn’t mean he’s using it or enjoying it. I actually imagine he’s being eaten up by guilt and resentment. You’re playing to your own script that he didn’t predict by not responding and jumping to his tune immediately (as I imagine you did before he left), hence the dropping around unannounced - he was checking up on what was going on and marking his territory. He’s feeling threatened. (HA! 😆) She is probably resentful of money he “has to” spend raising his own kids, and I bet her kids don’t think that she’s going to win the Mother of the Year, either. I imagine he’s being encouraged to buy their affection with gifts and that would fall very, very flat. (Like other things 😉). Her comment about their lovely house was an arrow aimed at you and you accepted it. So what if their house is lovely? They’re stuck with each other, and they are two deeply untrustworthy people who deserve no better.
You do... You do need to separate your identity from him, and that’s really, really hard. You have spent so much time and energy trying to save a dead and dying marriage with a lying man that you don’t know who you are without that cycle. Maybe you should try studying or going to yoga or doing something you’ve always wanted to try like learning to paint. Not to meet people, but to find something you love. Do something that engages you and brings you joy and confidence. I know it’s hard to imagine that those parts of yourself are still there, but they don’t die - they have been squished by circumstances. You’re evolving!!!

@MoreLegsThanMe - I am going to reiterate that while he said that the implant surgery was for you as a couple, your ex was a liar. He has proved that to you over and over again. You are torturing yourself cruelly by replaying that soundtrack in your mind (Although I can see why you do at the moment.), and you will end up very bitter if you let this continue. You chose to believe him at the time because you very much wanted your marriage to work. He had other plans, obviously. This is no reflection on you. Telling yourself that you will never have sex with another man is a little dramatic. I think you will move on. You have to remind yourself that you are a loving person with the RIGHT intentions. He wasn’t. He made bad choices. You behaved impeccably. This actually bodes very well for your future relationships.

I've not commented before but I've been checking up on you everyday, lots of great advice but I just wanted to say about their 'lovely home' I'm sure it's not a patch on yours filled with love from your children and you. Theirs is built on lies and deciept pretty walls and things do not make a lovely home lovely people do. He's a liar and a cheat a shoddy excuse of a husband and an even worse father. He is nothing.

Hi Legs, there's not fool like an old fool is there?

Her comment about the beautiful home, do you think she feels she had traded up, money wise, do you think this is whats motivated her?

His ED lasting eight years must have been incredibly difficult for him and you, do you think this is in part his reason for behaving so badly, obviously its not an excuse, my partner acted so out of character, so recklessly, financially and with another woman, I often thought his illness brought this side out of him. He had a nuero condition that would have flare ups but he was like a different person.
Do you think this ED problem could have triggered some mental health problems in him.
I don't know it's crazy trying to figure out why shit happens but I think men when faced with problems tend to use actions instead of how women deal with stuff, they tend to internalise things. I do know my husband turned into such a cruel person, someone I didn't recognise, unbelievably nasty yet years on he's calm and wishes everything could be forgotten.
I do think there are usually other factors that are to be considered when it's been a very long marriage and partners are older.
I think as time goes on Legs, things will change, whether you forget about him or not, I can't see this relationship with her lasting, unless she's after his money, maybe she's got a plan, she sounds a sly one.

Sleep tight, you are lovely and he didn't deserve you.
x

What I will say Legs is his upping up the banal texts suggests to me he is waiting for you to give it to him with both barrels which means he's needing more justification at the moment so all may not be going as well as what you think in paradise.

Don't give him the opportunity to communicate, he wants you to show your anger, it will ease his concience and prevent him arguing with the ow.

Yes to what @Onthedunes is saying - especially about upping the messages and OW being sly. (The fact that he’s sent presents obviously chosen by her is an example.)

Morning @MoreLegsThanMe are you ok? You don’t seem to be having the best week. It is normal the healing process is never a straight upwards line. Did you say upthread you were getting in touch with a counsellor, it might be worth taking some time for you to talk about it with someone irl.

I totally get what you mean about the thought of intimacy panicking you. It’s been a long time, but any intimacy is further down the process, you have a lot more healing and rediscovering of you to do yet. Then sure it will be scary but you’ll be in a place to deal with it.

You are playing that movie in your mind again, he’s not had good sex for 8 years either, he is also dealing with the after effects of an Ed which I don’t think ever truly go away. Every time they want it he has to pump it up. Also the strain on his heart following the ED and dealing with the dysfunction it is not the rampant rabbits you are imagining.

She boasted about her beautiful home, did you not say it was a flat. I know it’s personal preference, but flat living would never be one for me, unless we’re talking penthouse sea views etc, for me the soul of any house is the kitchen and the garden. Good for her if she loves it, doesn’t mean it’s something you would covet.

I also agree with @Onthedunes your silence is deafening him.

It often feels like two steps forward and one step back @MoreLegsThanMe. In fact , often two steps back. But that’s ok. Because you’re heading in the right direction.

Don’t beat yourself up. You are not the one at fault...

Please find yourself a counsellor or therapist. Most of them will do zoom consultations, so you’re not even limited by geography these days. I have a lovely lady so PM me if you’d like her details... and I’m pretty sure others may be able to recommend.

You do need to chat to them initially to see if you click, and you feel happy.

When you are feeling SO awful @MoreLegsThanMe, try and to hold the thoughts of how far you’ve come, and that you WILL feel better. Maybe not this week, or next month, but happy or peaceful moments will expand and you will find you are more and more able to deal with this. And don’t torture yourself with the idea they’re at it like rabbits - at his age and with his health issues? Nah.When your brain starts going there, tell yourself stop! Or have the conversation out loud....‘I bet they’re doing xyz...No they’re not, they’re arguing, now I’ll make a cup of tea and read my list!’ The list is one you make for you! Have a seat with a nice cup of tea or coffee and make a list of things you’d like to do, places you’d like to go, and then make some happy plans just for you? As for being lonely and never having sex or even another relationship again, you feel like this now. Perfectly natural - for now. It won’t always be so, yes it seems unbelievable but someone as warm and caring, kind and decent, will not be lonely, hurt or bitter for the rest of her days. Please, make those lists, plan for your golden future, summer is coming, lockdown is easing - this is your time!

Dear, lovely, wonderful MoreLegs don't be so hard on yourself. It really isn't wrong to feel you'd rather be dead when you're in such great pain. It's only a way of saying you're desperate for the misery to stop and leave you in peace. You might as well say you'd like to hibernate until you're feeling better.

I wish we could give you a break from it. Could you manage an actual physical break now? A few days away walking along the coast or in the countryside might help you create some distance from them in your head.

As for the "beautiful home" - pah. They're liars, plain and simple. Never believe a word either of them say about anything. They are people who value shagging a stranger over keeping their own children and that says everything about them. Utterly worthless pair. Neither is fit to polish your shoes.

Of course, future relationships seem impossible at the moment. You have been too deeply hurt and you need to heal. But you are going to recover with time and then you might change your mind. But that's a matter for the future, not now.

"When you are going through hell keep going," I've said it before but it 's a quote that helped me so much when I had cancer and they thought it was more advanced than it later turned out to be.

Keep going, lovely. One day at a time.

Don't give up Legs, you are winning, although you think you arn't.

What's really happening?

It's been 4 months since he's been properly holed up with his younger model, the massive ammount of years he's been with you have accumalated because you fitted together , however you muddled along it was because you fitted together, it may have seemed easy or univentful but it was easy for both of you. Long marriages like this being friends just evolve and many times the love is taken for granted, especially by the men.

His conversation with her must be boring, I'm sorry but the general lack of life knowledge with someone half your age gets boring and annoying quite quickly.
He is communicating with you now not to be friends and hoping you are now at the point where he thinks you are getting 'over it', no he wants now to see your fight for him, he wants to see you are distressed and missing him, pinning for him. He may well be wrapping that up with talk of knowing how the kids are and their birthdays but seriously legs do you believe that, I bet he wasn't sentimental with them at all when you lived together.
He's bored for 'your' type of talk, he's getting bored of his pretend willy and the realisation is just setting in, he must get you to be horrible to him now, because then everything he has done will have made sense, (he was right and you were a horrible person).
Believe me you are winning, the exact same thing happened with me, he would come round on the pretense of something else have a huge argument with me and then go away idolising the ow. When I went total NC he started to question everthing, this is what ended his relationship, the fact it was now just singular and I wasn't in the mix.

You are down, his messages were designed to do exactly that to you, he is reminding you of him, please don't think you are losing at this point, no he is just realising what he has lost, I bet he doesn't even realise that himself.

You are not losing, you are at the beggining of winning.
Please don't get down, it's him whose becoming 'down' and needs reassuring he's made the right choice, don't give him that reassurance.

It's finally time for him to grow up.

The trouble also is that we look for reasons. We want to know how and why, we think if we get explanations we might just somehow understand or make the impossible make sense. But we can’t, we can never understand so there is no point trying. No point wondering, thinking over, imagining conversations, situations. It’s been done. The marriage is over, so much has changed. It has changed SOME aspects of your personality. But not the strong solid core of decency, kindness, morality, fairness and love for your children and family that is your heart. This is the basis for the next phase of your life and the happiness that WILL come your way. The rain doesn’t fall for ever, the dreadful storms do pass.

@Onthedunes excellent post. Once relationships like this are starved of the ‘oxygen’ needed to keep the ‘fire’ burning, they fizzle or snuff out of their own accord. They start to be seen for what they actually are. He can only feel like the big guy who is winning if he thinks he has made someone else ‘lose’ in his eyes.
Anything other than a flat grey rock response, or no response at all, will either give his warped morals a made up justification for leaving, or fan his ego that you are still pining for him and hoping he will return. If he’s been getting off on the thought of two women allegedly desperate for him, once one goes NC or shows indifference, part of the excitement is gone and it all starts to look a bit tawdry, childish and pointless. Which it is.
On the dunes is also spot on about missing your conversations and the lack of life knowledge/ getting cultural references from this woman will drive him nuts. When the scales fall from his eyes he’ll see what he’s done. I think they’re starting to fall now. I enclose a pic of the spoof Ladybird book entitled ‘The Midlife Crisis” open at the appropriate page for a bit of light relief. 😉