Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

@justilou1

Makes a very good point.

It’s also based on his parenting history with his kids from pervious marriage/s. There is precedent. He will lose interest in the human aspect once the money situation is legally tied up.

Ah MoreLegs everyone has off-days and you have more reason than most at the moment. Don't beat yourself up. You weren't stupid or gullible. You were decent and loyal, and he took advantage in a way that would sicken anyone with a shred of integrity.

He isn't a good person. Good people don't deceive their entire family for months on end and cold-bloodedly put them on a back-burner while they decide what option they fancy. They don't abandon their children and expect them to behave as though nothing has happened when they choose to show up again. He's not only a selfish sod, he's stupid too to think he can buy back the DC with pathetic little treats.

Don't look too far ahead. In bad times it's so much easier to take it a day at a time. It will get better. You won't always be lonely and he'll never be able to pull the wool over your eyes again.

Look after yourself. Sleep tight, lovely.

Do you think the Mac Donald’s trip will actually happen, everyone is ignoring him at the moment?

Healing is never a smooth upwards line you will always have up and down days, but it is going in an upwards trajectory you are doing so well. I do think a lot of your down times are caused more by being angry at yourself for everything you’ve given to him emotionally over the years. That doesn’t make you gullible, it makes you a nice person and loyal. Both good qualities that hopefully won’t harden too much out of self preservation after what he’s put you through. You are doing amazingly.

Whoops - my previous comment was for another thread. Please disregard!!!! 🤯

Thank you x

DS’s birthday today.

H messaged to say he’d sent a birthday message to DS and “get him to check his phone”. He said he hoped the card had arrived. I just deleted and didn’t reply.

I had H’s card in the pile with the others. DS opened it and just threw it across the room. He then arranged all his other cards and tore up the one from H.

If H had seen all this he would blame me, I know it, for influencing DS but I promise I didn’t.

@billybagpuss there’s no chance of him taking them to Macdonalds. They’ve shown zero interest let alone anticipation. They are so mature for sixteen and fifteen. I’m just so sad for them that their father has turned out like this.

Thinking he can still be dad. He’d be better off concentrating on OW’s brood. Chances are one or more of them will be in the flat at any given time.

I’ve been really despondent all day.

Sorry - posted too soon.

Every birthday I always remember the birth in detail. Just remembering how happy H was. I was too. And he just upped and left DS and his sisters without so much as a goodbye. I can’t fathom how anybody could do that. Let alone someone who supposedly loves his children.

The next “first” is my birthday next month and already I’m dreading it. That’s followed by birthdays for DD2, 3 and 4 and, worst of all , our wedding anniversary. I can’t even bring myself to think about Christmas.

It’s times like this when I feel I can’t go on. I just can’t go this and keep painting on a smile for the DC. At the same time I know I have no choice. Knowing it’s all on me is a heavy burden.

Thank you all so much for your support. It means such a lot.

x

Day by day MoreLegs, when you feel you can't go on, tell yourself you will just get to the end of the day. Let tomorrow look after itself. And then keep on doing it. One day at a time.

The increased messages are upsetting you, aren't they? And after you worked so hard to achieve an equilibrium.

I can't remember who originally suggested it, but I also think it would help if you got a very basic mobile to use just for H and checked it once a week. Then you could block him everywhere else. I wouldn't worry about emergencies. If it was really necessary his sister could get in touch with you. I do think it would be a lot less unsettling if you could keep contact to a minimum and exercise some control over it.

I hope the card didn't spoil DS's birthday. He must feel so hurt and angry too. Thank goodness he knows you would never let him down, no matter how hard a time you're having yourself. You have been amazing to have kept life so normal for the DC over the past months no matter how dreadful you've felt.

It will get better, lovely. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other. You can do it.

Take care. Hope you get a decent night's sleep.

Do you think maybe it might be an idea to start planning something to look forward to? A nice holiday with the kids or something you've always wanted to do but never gotten around to?
A change of scenery for a week or two im sure would do wonders for you all?
Im thinking this would give you something else to focus on. You mentioned the loneliness being awful. What about joining a walking/hiking club or lots of areas now have meet ups where people meet and participate in various activities?
Im not sure where you are in relation to covid restrictions but have a look online and start spending your time planning. Hopefully it will stop you wasting your valuable time and energy focusing on him and help bring you into contact with people who will fill the void and enhance your life

Hi Legs, I'm so sorry youv'e had a bad day.

I totally agree with Catchant, the messages are getting to you, it's so hard to forget when he's flippantly sending these reminder texts for birthdays.
He has absolutely no reason to go through you, he needs to be stopped.
Your children are not babies they can correspond with him themselves.
The second phone is a good idea but you may be tempted to have quick glances, can one of your children text him and ask him not to contact you.
I'm sure he's doing this on purpose, I could kill him for you.

for you

Did he not even put any money in the card?? Or does his trying to buy the kids affection stop at cookies?

The good news is, whilst yes you have more birthday firsts, you’ve got through the first birthday (if that makes sense) each one will get easier. Yours will be a good opportunity to create your own ideas, next month covid restrictions will be lifted even more, you could maybe book a weekend away with as many dcs as allowed by restrictions at the time. Make it about family, you’ll have a good time, it would also be odd if he acknowledged it so it’s a good opportunity to take control yourself.

This year the wedding anniversary will be difficult by next year you may not even realise it. Christmas is a long way off, look how far you’ve come in the last 3 months, and we have a whole summer of being allowed to be almost normal in between. Covid has been worse for you as the restrictions have meant you haven’t been able to do things you might otherwise have done, I do wonder if the lifting of restrictions will make it harder for him as he will have to connect with the real world.

Can you block his number and give him an email address to contact you by, then only open the email once a week?

Also regarding the firsts, just remember how far you've come. I remember when you were counting down the weeks, first week, first month and now you struggle to remember how many weeks it is. Also his birthday was a big milestone, but I bet you don't think about that any longer. It will be the same for your birthday and anniversary.

In the words of Dory 'just keep swimming'

I agree with the others. I think it is time to either block him or give him an email address to send all messages to which you’ll check once a week/fortnight. His constant messaging is an intrusion on your life and happiness. It needs to stop.

Happy birthday to your wise and wonderful son. 🎈

I can’t recall where you are on issuing the divorce paperwork @MoreLegsThanMe, but you might feel a bit better when you are calling some of the shots in this ‘relationship’.

I’m only saying this with the huge benefit of hindsight, in that I was reactive rather than proactive, and once I’d issued divorce proceedings, I felt slightly more under control.

You’re right. I’ve been there. One text could lose me 2 nights sleep.

The birthdays and anniversaries are really tough. In fact, my 25th is coming up shortly. And we’re still married. Urgh!

I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you, Legs. His contact clearly rakes things up. Easier to keep going without reminders. Having the one who hurt you so badly popping up like a disgusting fungus and knowing you can’t ignore or go non-contact because of the DC is shit, it truly is. That’s why his doing it unnecessarily ‘ask DS to check his phone’ 🙄 is either proof of an incredible lack of realisation of the impact of his actions, or simply beyond cruel.
I’m not sure about having somewhere separate to have to check to see if he has made contact is a good idea though. If I had to go onto a separate phone or email address to check if he had left a message it would haunt me. I’d rather brace myself for a message popping up of its own accord where I can see it, so that the need to physically check is shifted. It would kind of put the burden on you somehow. It’s not really feasible to check once a week as (although he no longer deserves the title) he is their father, could actually have the occasional legitimate reason to contact you and you don’t need him to turn any nastier. It’s only my personal opinion, but I wouldn’t want to have to think “I ought to check that gmail account to see if he’s asked me anything.” It would make me keep wondering, keep him hovering in my thoughts and increase my stress. It would also potentially give him (unjustified, this is all on him) crap to throw in a divorce that you had been unreasonable or awkward about contact on parental matters. I’m a terrible obsessor and ruminator though, so maybe a separate means of contact might suit you better than it would me.
I wish I’d got something more positive, I can’t make his contact have less impact on you, only time can do that. But you know what? You’re the most positive thing about this. You. Despite all your suffering there you are, doing it, keeping going, proving to your DC and your MN army every day that you are an amazing mum and a remarkable woman.
That idiot man has given up pure gold for something fake which he thinks is shinier. All that glitters...... what a fool. XX

You will be happy again! You are doing a great job as a mum, your friends and family love you and you have Team Mumsnet behind you. You will feel better, it will all work out in the end and there will be a happy ending. In the meantime, plan some different things for your birthday - is there anything you've put off doing as Mr Plastic Penis didn't like it? Museum trip & afternoon tea? Horse racing, balloon trip, anything crazy - just to show you can do anything you want.

Thank you x

I think I’m with @Thewookiemustgo in relation to the phone. As you say Wookie, I too would rather just deal with a message when it pops up, then delete and move on.

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie I’m still waiting for my copy marriage certificate. I’ve drafted the Petition so once the certificate arrives I can issue it. I don’t want to do this, I really don’t, but there is no option is there. The thought of bringing almost my whole life to an end. It hurts desperately.

@billybagpuss yes, there was money in the card, more than he would usually contribute. Lord knows what will happen at Christmas.

DD3 started her new job today and DD4 and DS were both at school. It felt so strange to be completely alone in the house.

I’ve tried to work out in my mind what I’m finding so upsetting right now and it comes down to him having someone and me not. If he’s worried about the DC and how they’re coping (although I very much doubt he does worry), she’s there to sympathise or whatever. Similarly if he wants to slag me off, there she is ready to join in.

When I worry about the DC it’s literally all on me. If I want a rant or anything, there’s nobody there. I won’t offload onto the DC, that’s not fair on them and since the beginning I’ve tried to keep everything as normal as it always was. It’s like being “strong” = nobody to hold your hand.

Apart from my MN army of course. It helps so much that you’re all behind me on this horrible horrible journey. Please stay.

Why do I have these awful thoughts about them having sex? It’s not something I want to think about, but it pops up time after time after time. I can imagine him telling her how much better than me she is. I can’t say it breaks my heart because they broke that last year, but it’s like a physical pain when I think of it.

I won’t ever be with a man again. Knowing that, and knowing I might have another thirty years left is just awful. I can’t see the point of anything once DD4 and DS move out for university. I’ll have done my job then and got all five up and away, so I’ll not be needed anymore. To be truthful I’d rather just not be here. Being alone in the house alone from then on is the most upsetting thought. Again, he has her and I’m alone.

I’ll stop here as this is so maudlin. I promise to be brighter tomorrow. I have to have that smile in place for the DC leaving for work and school. I’ll try and keep it on all day.

I so wish this was all just a terrible dream, but no.

Thank you again

x

@MoreLegsThanMe you are a mum. You will always be needed. You are loved, appreciated and admired by your children. They see your strength and example constantly. You inspire your MN army daily. You are bloody incredible.

Right, to business:

Legs, thinking about them having sex is very painful but pretty normal. It’s a bit like mentally revisiting the scene of a crime committed against you to try to understand why it happened to you. It’s a pointless exercise and serves no purpose other than to hurt you and keep refreshing that hurt over and over again. I also know you can’t help it. I know how hard that is. I replayed horrible invented videos in my head of my husband and his AP in bed together. I have mentally watched them (I don’t even know what she looked like) and tortured myself with her as a supermodel sex goddess with gymnastic prowess of Olympic standards. What did she have that I didn’t? How was she better than me? Etc etc etc. I had to stop doing it, it was torture and the only one doing it to me was me. Like a punishment for some unknown fault I had. Like I’d failed and needed to know why.
I hadn’t failed. He had. It is what is called a “mind movie” and no real comparison to what probably actually happened. I can’t change what happened or convince myself it wasn’t that bad by replaying my invented version of events. Who did it hurt? Me! Who did it help? Nobody. What purpose did it serve? None. Torture. I had to refuse myself permission to do this. Be very, very strict with yourself. No more mind movies. You deserve no more pain. You need to try to turn your mind away from it and think about something else. So hard but so worth it. Shout “Stop!” in your head or out loud if you can or want to. They aren’t worth a second of your headspace. Training yourself to turn away from this is a huge favour you can do yourself.

Anything he says to her (remember, you don’t actually know what he is saying or doing. You are making a mind movie which is fake and serves no purpose) is just another part of the justification for what he did. He will think to himself that if she actually isn’t “better” than you in every way, (of course she isn’t, she isn’t fit to wipe your boots, Legs) then wtf has he trashed his life for? She has to live up to being ‘better’ than you (she can’t live up to his expectations. They will be sky high) or else he has really, really screwed up. Newsflash, he has. Big time.
It is still very, very early days. Now stop chiding yourself for being ‘maudlin’ or anything else negative you’ve said about yourself. Think only about all you have achieved, big or small, and you will be astonished at what you are doing, as we are. You don’t have to pretend for us, Legs. I know how exhausting it is to pretend you are ok for the kids when actually you are dying inside. It wears you out like nothing else. It’s like you can’t remember what you used to be like any more. There’s only the you in pain and the fake cheerful you and you bounce between them like a ball in a pinball machine. The real you is still there. Still capable of love and passion and living fully. The real you needs time to heal and trust that life will be ok again. It will, Legs. You really will look back on this one day and marvel at yourself like we do now. This too shall pass, Legs. This too shall pass. Take care lovely. X

You are torturing yourself about the sex thing because you are wondering whether he actually got around to sorting out his “little problem” for you or for her.... He went years unable to get it up for you, and was unwilling to do anything about it. Then she comes into the picture and off he pops to the surgeon to get some Barbie legs inserted into his dick and a water balloon into his abdomen. Did he ever have any intention of making love with you?
You are asking yourself what is wrong with you that he could think this way. This is the wrong question. The right question is, “What the fuck is wrong with this man that he could like to your face, and sleep next to you for so long, and look at your shared children in the eyes and tell them that he loved them, and treat you all like this?” HE’S BROKEN!

" You are mired down for weeks, months, and even years with the ghosts and memories of the past. For me they evapourate in an instant and free me to act with impunity. I have no reminder of what has happened.
There is no cautonary tale. There is no record of things that came to pass. That is why it is futile to try to draw the past to my attention in some hope that I may change or may recognise the force of what you are saying. You try to point out something we once had, once done, once shared. Not to me. It never existed. It is a waste of my energy to hold onto the past. I never look back. You would do well to do the same"

Doe's this sound familiar legs? It is exactly how my husband behaved, it is a quote from a narcisist, they do not love, they are not capable.
He does not love this ow, he loves himself.
Your memeories you have are exactly that, YOURS.
You will have been the one who made those memories, those special times and events.

I too had a very long marriage with someone I thought was devoted to me and the family, I could never have evisaged that he could turn his back on me and forget me so instantly, it was devastating, all those years down the pan. But what I did realise was, whoever was going to take my place would ultimately be in the same possition as me, living with someone who was a lie.
I grew to understand I had a heart, a soul, empathy and loyalty which he had been sucking out of me for years. Yes awful to realise it wasn't real but liberating in another beacause I finally saw him for what he was, a sad pathetic human who could not have a real deep connection with anyone.
Your husband is fake and you are real.
Time will tell legs, hold in there, things will change.

Oh gawd. So it’s not just me that replays the kind of sex they’re having...? Wtf is wrong with our brains that we torture ourselves so much?

I had an interesting conversation with my counsellor this week, along the lines of how jealous I am that he’s moved on so quickly. He’s a narcissist, so had new supply within 10 days of me leaving. Some girl 10 years younger than me.

I was jealous about the fact they were sha**ing each other in our marital bed.
She said ‘Would you want to be back there in bed with him?’
‘Er... NO’
‘Do you want to be having a pub supper with him quietly growling at you across a table and knowing you’ll be going home to him yelling at you?’
Er...No

Well, what ARE you missing, American Pie?

I was a bit stumped tbh.

I had to see STBEX at the weekend to discuss our financial resolution etc.

Turns out his girl lives between 2 places, has a 10 y old son in tow who’s addicted to gaming, and is tied in with private school fees that her ex husband is refusing to pay.

Told STBEX to think with his brain and not his dick. She’ll be after his money.

So... @MoreLegsThanMe - the reality is often QUITE different to what our minds think it is.

You seem very stuck at home . A change in scene might help.
Can you plan something nice for you and the teens? A trip to the zoo or a short break away? Or a day trip to see the older children and your grandchildren ?

By the time Dd4 and Ds leave home your life will be very, very different to what it is now. Lockdown will definitely have hindered your healing process, your life is currently at home with DC and garden, but you are getting stronger now, and we are all able to look outside the 4 walls as things open up again.

It’s not about finding love or companionship or even ever having sex again, it’s about rediscovering you. Finding something you enjoy and finding a place where you feel relaxed and comfortable that those mind movies don’t penetrate. Going back to the bouncing ball in a box analogy way up thread, The more you focus on you, the less impact he will have. Once you’ve become relaxed again, who knows what will happen, plenty of older people find new love later in life and you will have plenty of grandchildren keeping you busy.

Legs, for what it's worth I still need my mum and I'm in my 30s.

Things won't always feel this raw it will get easier you'll see ♥️

You're doing so well

Poor MoreLegs. You are having a tough time. But don't ever, ever think there's no point to you. There's plenty. You've just spent so long living for others you've forgotten how to do it for yourself.

By the time all the DC have left and, considering the ridiculous price of housing and rent that could be quite a while yet, you will have made a new, happier life for yourself. As billybagpuss says lockdown gave you no chance to find fresh opportunities. Perhaps you could look into evening classes? Is there a foreign language you'd like to learn or brush up? Or gardening, car maintenance, cookery, computing etc? Something to help occupy your brain and distract you from intrusive thoughts about that rubbishy pair of low-lifes. There's a marvellous quote about it in TH White's The Once and Future King:

“The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn.”

There was never anything wrong with you. Don't blame yourself. Blame him. He wanted to be young again and to have the thrill of a younger woman chasing him so he could tell himself he was still attractive. And he didn't care how many people he trampled over so he could live his squalid fantasy. He is a selfish, self-absorbed, stupid man who has never and will never grow up. And you could have done nothing to make him any different.

Have you had a chance to investigate the dog rescue centres yet? If you don't want to commit to a pet yet perhaps you could see whether they need volunteers to take the dogs for walks or to play with them to socialise them?

One foot in front of the other. Keep going, lovely.