Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Morning Legs. Another day, another text, eh?

I agree with the others (and I know you'll do it anyway), but continue to ignore the bastard. It really will infuriate him.

You are doing it, Legs. There is so much to look forward to and your future is looking brighter by the minute.

You ARE so doing this. Do not let him know when the card arrives. Ignore ignore ignore. He’s bored. Grass is never greener on the other side. You owe him nothing, nothing at all for what he’s put you and your children through.

"I’m doing this aren’t I."
You bloody well are!

🙌🏼 you're smashing it legs!

@WizardOfAus

Morning Legs. Another day, another text, eh?

I agree with the others (and I know you'll do it anyway), but continue to ignore the bastard. It really will infuriate him.

You are doing it, Legs. There is so much to look forward to and your future is looking brighter by the minute.

Fiver says the OW is seething reading his texts.

Thank you x

DS’s card arrived today and I put it in the drawer with the others. As soon as I saw the handwriting I could imagine him putting some cringey comment in it. Who knows, maybe he chose it together with her.

I didn’t acknowledge receipt and I won’t. I’ve learned that I feel okay(ish) when it’s just my abs the DC. As soon as a message arrives it kind of messes up my whole day. It makes me think about him. That day I saw him going down the garden path I went from being fine before I saw him to a wreck afterwards. I should say I don’t have any reason to be frightened of him, but I just was.

And I do feel really lonely. The DC and I talk together a lot and they are so good to me, but it’s just I want to be close to someone at night, even just hearing them breathe. Knowing he does this every night still really upsets me.

Tomorrow is another day I suppose.

Than you so much x

• just me and the DC

It’s not ‘fright’ like fear though is it, it’s like a ‘flight’ dump of adrenaline to try and alert you that which causes anxiety. Your poor brain has been on red alert since this happened. Then you spend the rest of the day trying to recover from the adrenaline shock.

You are doing bloody well Legs. Don’t underestimate yourself.

That contact he tries with you is purposeful, he doesn't want you to forget him.
How dare you he's Mr Fantastic, dont you know !

One thing that helped me overcome the intrusive thoughts was reading HG Tudor, he's a narcissist and gives advice how to keep away from narcs amoungt other information.
Out of all the articles about narcisism this person helped me the most, made me see how really selfish people tick.
Read up on the 6 Spheres of influence, the ways in which he will try to hoover you back in. Don't fall for it, they usually like rejecting you again just for pleasure.

I think you have been blessed with quite a narcisistic individual, it will crush him to see you getting along without him, do not underestimate how painful this will be for him. His ego is huge.

You are doing so well legs, so proud, you are so strong, an inspiration.

x

Well done on not acknowledging the card. The less contact you have the better for your own peace of mind. Of course, the silence is niggling him but that's not your worry. And he deserves it.

After all those years it would be astonishing if hearing from or seeing him didn't upset you but, painful though it is, you always manage to haul yourself back to equilibrium. You should be so proud of yourself for that.

The DC sound lovely. You should be so proud of yourself for them too.

Loneliness is hard, very hard. I wish we could make it better. But I think one day the lonely one will be him, not you.

It will be ok, lovely. Take care and sleep well.

He will contact you and ask if the card has turned up. He will then either ask why you’re ignoring him or send a pissy comment about about that. Keep going.
You may not have actually been frightened of him, but of your own response to him. He was an intruder in your safe space. He has his own safe space to go to and he genuinely had no right to be there, yet he was making the point that he thinks otherwise. Marking his territory.
I think you are afraid of years and years of the fury and resentment that you are holding back. (Because he’s not there to unleash it upon, and right now it is inappropriate. You DO need to be the better person for the sake of the kids and for the divorce to go your way, Goddamnit!)

As soon as a message arrives it kind of messes up my whole day. It makes me think about him. That day I saw him going down the garden path I went from being fine before I saw him to a wreck afterwards. I should say I don’t have any reason to be frightened of him, but I just was

This is perfectly normal, you may not be frightened of him physically but you are frightened of the emotions he evokes, it’s only a couple of months ago those emotions consumed you, you don’t want to go back there again. My dog trainer describes it as a stress bucket, the more full the bucket is the longer it takes to calm down.

Is there anything you have discovered that helps to calm you? It’s a good time to start putting little practices in place, or things to prevent the trigger happening, like blocking his number. Something often suggested on here is to have a separate email address just for him, give him that address and block him on everything else. You will check the address once a week at a set time, so then any contact is on your terms and random messages just popping up at odd times won’t ruin your day.

As for the lonely do you like animals, could you maybe consider a dog? It will give you a focus and make you get out of the house to walk it which also means you meet more local people. There will be plenty of rescues available over the next month or so.

Honestly, I think I'd start replying to any message with "I don't know" or "Not my problem". Maybe the absolute repetition will stop him.

For DS''s card:
Did the card come? "I don't know"
I want to know if it came. "Not my problem"
Will you look for it? "Not my problem"
Why are you being so difficult? "I don't know"

Those two answers can probably applied to just about anything he has to say.

Thank you x

@billybagpuss I’d love a dog and he/she would give me something to focus on. I’ve had rescues in the past- I might contact the rescue secretaries to see what might be available.

This is going to sound gross, and I don’t even know why I’m thinking it, but today I’ve more or less obsessed about them and their sex life. What they do. I’ve even found myself wondering how his implant is working.

It’s ridiculous and you’ll all think I’m weird. I just don’t know why these thoughts have been so powerful today of all days.

He hasn’t asked about the card. @AcrossthePond55 I like the don’t know/not my problem approach. I don’t know if he’s surprised that I haven’t contacted him since he left. I believe he doesn’t actually understand what they’ve done to me and the DC. Saying in that message that he knew he had “hurt” and “angered” me. Those adjectives don’t come anywhere remotely close to describe how I’ve been affected, how the DC have been affected, and how his remaining family members have been affected.

He’s like a supremely selfish teenage boy. She is no better.

Here I go ranting away again. I’m sorry.

x

Rant away! We ALL need it at one time or another.

So he 'hurt' and 'angered' you, did he? Pffft!!!! 'Hurt' and 'angered' is if your spouse forgets your birthday or doesn't notice your new hairdo. If you had walked out on him, I'm sure he the words he'd use to describe his feelings would be 'devastated' and 'livid' at the very mildest.

But of course he has to minimize your feelings in order to justify his own. What a prick.

He won’t attempt to really fathom the depth of your feelings. He might have some of his own in response, and they would undoubtedly be less than pleasant. We know he doesn’t like the feelings that aren’t pleasant.
As for his willy, can you imagine anything less sexy than having to wait while he pumps it up manually before he can use it? The guy’s a wreck. He needs to go to the dump.

Just laughing at @justilou1 it’ll be like that scene in Harry Potter with the boggart ‘ridikulous’

The one thing that is really bizarre is that he can not see how the DC will be effected by his behaviour at all. He gets that you’re hurt although you’ve done very well to not engage with him on that, but he has no conception that they will feel any different towards him.

Morning MoreLegs. You rant away as much as you please. He does indeed behave like the most selfish of teenagers and, as you say, she is no better. It is all what he wants all down the line and everyone else - you, DC, DFIL - should just accommodate him.

I don't think you're weird to wonder what they're getting up to with the inflatable willy. But it's hardly material for passionate love scenes. "Wait please darling, while I pump up the tackle," is not 'Casablanca', is it? More 'Carry On', really. And what happens if the deflator (or whatever you call it) fails to work...Oh what a trip to A&E that would be...

A rescue dog sounds a super idea. Sadly, I suspect there's going to be quite a few pets available in the next few months. My cats are wonderful company and helped DS in particular so much in lockdown when he couldn't go to school and see his friends. When he was holed up in his room for online lessons on the laptop he usually had one or two cats sitting either beside or on him while he worked. Sometimes they'd appear on camera which livened up lessons no end.

What sort of dog would you like? I have very fond memories of a very friendly poodle-cross type who used to visit (this was in the days when dogs seemed to be more free-range) and play with me in the garden when I was a child. She was adorable.

Have you managed to get to the hairdresser yet? I went early today and no longer resemble Catweazle's granny.

Have a lovely day. Hope you have sunshine where you are. Take care.

I have followed this thread from the beginning but have never posted.
Words can't describe how much I admire you. Huge Congratulations in remaining dignified all the way through.

Regarding a rescue dog. If you want a dog (as opposed to a lively and demanding puppy) who loves to have short regular walks and just loves to curl up in your company I can recommend a greyhound. They don't pull on the lead or need lots of exercise (although if you have an enclosed space they will do ''circuits'') but they love people more than anything apart from their grub!

Like many others I too had a beloved husband who shocked me when it was revealed he'd led another life for 2 years and I remember the aftermath and hurt very well even though it's years ago now.

You get stronger every time I read your posts. Carry on with the recipe. x

I’ve got so much from this thread. I’m hope you’re ever more stronger day by day @MoreLegsThanMe
I’m day one and am inspired by you. Keep going!

Sending hugs @TimeWillHeal

Thank you everyone x

I get it about his blow-up dick. I stood by him all the time, from his first inkling of a problem to the surgery and beyond. Feeling so guilty I didn’t try and insist he came here the night before the surgery. Worrying that he was alone in that flat after the op and worrying he was eating properly and not in too much pain.

What a stupid gullible woman I was.

You’re right. He acts as though his relationship with the DC won’t be forever changed by what he’s done. He forgets the amount of lies he’s told and who he’s told them to. It’ll just be DD4 and DS going out with him. The only real difference is that he will go home to another woman.

I dont know why I’ve felt this way today and yesterday. I thought once I started to improve I’d just get better and better on a smooth upward curve. I hate myself when I’m moping and miserable. It won’t change anything so it’s a waste of emotions.

And I know I keep on and on saying this, but I’m really lonely. The DC are fantastic, of course they are, but it’s not the same is it?

I’m trying not to look too far ahead right now. The thought of this stretching ahead of me until I’m old frightens me. Then I get upset because he has her. I have no one.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be stronger. Hopefully.

x

Hi, tomorrow you will be stronger. Looking forward is scary, take the situation a day at a time.

I was in a brief relationship with a guy who had a blow up dick, "I hand on heart" promise you it was not as I expected.

You are doing so well coping in this situation 💐

You will have off days legs, like you said you get bone tired of it.
It's incredibly wearing to be thinking so much, worrying and being so sad.

On days like those, where you feel you can't cope, don't push youself, take it easy, it's very easy to become ill if you don't get the right rest.
Sometimes running on all that adrenalin makes everthing so much worse, the anger tires you out.

Don't push yourself, you are doing fantastic but allow yourself recuperation periods, your body needs it.

Take care, lots of self love, remember your amazing, now rest.

Hey, you tried - and you did it (mostly) for the right reasons - your kids. You didn’t realize that you were being emotionally blackmailed and abused. (Gaslighting and lies, further cheating.) He was an absolute psychopath. You have to stop wallowing in shame and let him take responsibility. It’s not your responsibility!!! You also need to let people know! Stop hiding! No wonder you’re lonely! You’re unnecessarily guilty and using that as a reason to bury yourself. HE did this!