Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

I am not sure you should reply but if you do, perhaps try something along the lines of:

Our children's world has been turned upside down and they are understandably upset. They need space to come to terms with what has happened and will contact you in their own time. When that time comes I will support them.

I put the last bit because they may, in time, want to see him.

I'm afraid of all the replies silence is the most powerful. It leaves all the wondering and thinking to him. You know the answer. He can only guess.

Thank you so much x

I really agonised over what to do but in the end I didn’t respond. The replies you suggested were brilliant. What I’d like to have said but more articulate. I feel though that answering him then leaves me in a position where he could reply, and I don’t want to get into that.

I hope he has realised what he’s done and that it really hurts him. Realistically, I don’t think he will. He’s so good at closing his mind to everything but what he wants. As long as he’s happy we’re all just collateral damage.

DD4 and DS aren’t interested in Macdonalds with their father playing Disney dad. They’re too mature and would have no interest in sitting about for an hour with him.

I’m very proud of them and proud of myself a wee bit too. I haven’t influenced and certainly haven’t poisoned them. Their feelings are their own, with no guidance from me. I told H this would happen but I don’t think he believed me.

I wonder if he believes me now...

Thank you again to everyone. Back in January I was close to a complete breakdown. I was terrified. I don’t feel that any more. Anger is my new friend. Without all of you I don’t know where I’d be.

x

Good for you! 💪💪💪

Steady on legs, you'll be going round thanking her for taking him off your hands at this rate !

He's not even got the sense to bribe them properly has he.

Oh well let his ignorance be his downfall.
The thing is kids are pretty selfish beings anyway so his protestations that you are poisoning their minds is rediculous.
You know that, don't give him a stick to beat you with.

He's getting bored, you do understand that don't you legs?
And he's missing more than his kids.
Men like that want EVERYTHING, give him NOTHING.

Well done MoreLegs. Definitely you should feel proud of the DC and yourself.

He will be aghast that you haven't fallen over yourself to reassure him. That will teach him to take your loyalty and decency for granted.

You owe him nothing. And you can do anything you put your mind to. You are so much stronger than him.

Keep on being wonderful.

Sleep well.

OP I've just read your thread, Im so happy to read how far you have come. Im particularly proud of your ability to park and ignore his patronising texts, how very dare he allege parental alienation by your good self, it'd be laughable if it were not such a sad and cruel attempt to eradicate and disguise his piss poor behaviour.

Credit to you OP 🌸

Well done @MoreLegsThanMe This update has made me smile especially the bit about pride in yourself, you’ve come so far.

I do think maybe some realisation will kick in this month. He wants to see the kids, they’re not interested, he’s not going to want to acknowledge any fault so he will blame you just stay aloof and don’t engage and block him if necessary.

Also by the end of the week he may have nice shiny new divorce papers I feel that may also illicit some reaction. I think for the first time his compartments will break down.

Stay strong, channel that anger.

Please ensure that the divorce papers come with strict instructions from your solicitor about not contacting you or turning up without permission. (I can see the papers being a catalyst for an unexpected visit from a shocked man trying to guilt-trip you, then being furious because that doesn’t work anymore. There could even be a public tantrum with accusations of “poisoning the kids against him” involved if he’s been following the script, as we suspect....)

You’re doing so well, Legs. You made the right decision to not engage with his laughable text. That’s taken an enormous amount of strength and we’re all proud of you.

@CatChant has it right. He will be aghast you haven't fallen over yourself to reassure him.
But hey ho, that’s not your problem anymore.

I do think he’s starting to panic or that guilt/boredom is kicking in. After 3 months his little love nest is starting to lose its shine. He’s stepped up contact with you and the kids, trying his best to worm his way back into your worlds and that divorce is going to hit him like a ton of bricks. Be prepared for some vitriolic texts or calls once that hits his doorstep. You may wish to block his phone number for a few weeks after you’ve issued the papers.

Could I ask, were the children old enough/would they remember the first time he left you for another woman years ago?
If so, this will probably harden their resolve against him, especially if this is a repeat performance of his abandonment.

Wow, first a cookie and now McDonalds, can't imagine why they're not chomping at the bit to see him. You're doing so well Legs, well done you.

@BootsieBarnes said upthread, do you need to have his number or vice verse? If not, just block the fucker......make it even simpler for you !

You're ace , super ace

You're doing amazing. I'd block the number. The children are able to make contact arrangements themselves if they want to.

Thank you x

@WizardOfAus DDs 1 and 2 remember, yes. DD3 I don’t think so, and DD4 and DS were really just toddlers.

Poor little souls.

You’re all right (as usual) I owe him NOTHING. What he owes me is another story though.

I imagine once she goes back to working from the office and he’s alone in that flat all day it will really hit him. I’d think that at weekends she’d want to see her own DC but maybe not. It was her who said she’d only see them at their father’s house and she wouldn’t have them at the flat. All to keep my H sweet. How immature can she be.

DD4 had said she thinks he’ll spend that time on his foul websites trawling for like-minded women. I wonder how long it will be before he starts messaging someone - we know where that leads and perhaps he’ll “not be able to stop” messaging her etc etc. It’s so so sordid and creepy. Still hard to believe he’s turned into this.

DS’s birthday is fast approaching and I know it’ll be hard when his card arrives but I’ll offer it to DS and if he doesn’t want it I’ll put it in the box and let him know it’s okay to not want to open it, but it’s there if and when he changes his mind.

I keep thinking H has only been gone three/four months but of course it’ll be a year in Jun, less the couple of weeks he spent here.

So much has happened since this time last year. He hadn’t even “met” her. That didn’t happen until May, and they moved in together a month later. He was probably plotting all this anyway though.

I sometimes feel so weary of it all. Just bone tired of it. I think I see a little light at the end of the tunnel, but it keeps going out. Is that normal do you think?

x

Sorry if its been suggested already and I've missed it, but have you considered changing the locks so he can't turn up unexpectedly and let himself in?
You are doing so well and I'm sure your idiot H wont be having the great time you imagine once the novelty wears off (likely already) - same for OW too. Your life on the other hand will just keep getting better.

Bless you, MoreLegs you've been through so much in the past few months it would be extraordinary if you weren't bone-tired. And everything seems harder when you're exhausted, so I think feeling you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel every now and then is entirely normal.

There is a light, though, and you are getting there. We can all see how far you've come already.

You know the old adage "when a man marries his mistress it creates a job vacancy". In this case it's 'moved in with' rather than married but it still applies. The lure of the illicit will soon become the ennui of the mundane and they have no shared history or family to glue them together. And neither of them has a shred of loyalty to anyone but themselves. I think DD4 is right. When he's bored his attention will be wandering. But, hooray, that's NOT your problem.

@woodlandcalm makes a very good point about changing the locks. Coming home to find him snugly ensconced would be horrible and I wouldn't put it past him.

Sleep tight, lovely. Take care.

When he left last year legs did he lie to your children and you stating there was no one else? He was still at that point receiving a modicum of respect from your children and the ongoing support of you, as you gave him 'space', or did everyone know?

Anyhow thats changed, the truth is out and decisions have been made.
Decisions that have shown him to one ungrateful bastard, at a guess I bet he never was the one to uplift others, that was down to you and the sporadic attention of the kids.
He is missing that attention now, the attention that he took for granted and so rightly believed was his. He can't have it all.
Let this realisation sink in for him by ignoring him. This is the time when he will begin to turn angry and if you are not available by any means, phone, email or in person he will take it out on her.
This is exactly the time for you to hold your nerve, as your children have suggested it wouldn't suprise me if he went back on illicit encounters to find a new attention supply.
He really is a selfish man who has never had to comply with boundaries, its time he grew up.

Sleep well legs, you've made this man feel like a king all his life, he's just realising he's the joker, don't feel sorry for him.

x Stay strong.

Did he lie to his kids and say “Daddy will still see you as much as he always did”? Or “This doesn’t mean my relationship with you will change at all...” No - he just skulked away like a thief in the night because he couldn’t bear to see their faces and face the truth of his behaviour OR the consequences. Now, he has to deal with the consequences anyway whether he likes it or not.

DS’s birthday is fast approaching and I know it’ll be hard when his card arrives but I’ll offer it to DS and if he doesn’t want it I’ll put it in the box and let him know it’s okay to not want to open it, but it’s there if and when he changes his mind

Is it possible/worth going out for the day? he pitched up with the Easter eggs, he’s messaging about picking up after school to go happily skipping off to Mac Donald’s (although the reality of this and the image he’s got in his head may differ somewhat) he’s starting to initiate more and it wouldn’t surprise me if he turned up on the doorstep again.

MoreLegs have been reading your threads you have come so far well done

billybagpuss
Is it possible/worth going out for the day? he pitched up with the Easter eggs, he’s messaging about picking up after school to go happily skipping off to Mac Donald’s (although the reality of this and the image he’s got in his head may differ somewhat) he’s starting to initiate more and it wouldn’t surprise me if he turned up on the doorstep again

^This..... or even turning up at school on his birthday?

Thank you x

Yes @Onthedunes he lied to everyone when he skipped off for the “trial separation”. I know DDs 1 and 2 asked him outright if there was another woman and he vehemently denied it. They both still feel that lie very keenly and I’m not surprised. What kind of prick lies to his own children? I also asked and he lied to me too, but that’s just another on the long list of them. He told her that we all knew about her and the DC didn’t want to meet her, so from the very start there he was lying to her.@billybagpuss and @KeziaOAP there’s little chance of him turning up unannounced. I really think he’s too scared of the reception he’d get from the DC. How utterly pathetic to be scared of your DC’s anger and upset. Anger and upset that of course you caused. Similarly, he absolutely wouldn’t turn up at school. He’d not have the balls.

He messaged me today saying he’d sent DS’s birthday card and asking me to acknowledge when it arrives “safely”. Will I fuck.

I’m doing this aren’t I. I haven’t fallen to bits. Sometimes it’s hard to understand how I’m doing it, but I am.

I almost wish he would come back saying it was all a mistake etc etc. I can say with total certainty now that he would not set foot through the door. Sadly though, as the house is owned jointly, I can’t change the locks. I did take his keys away from him though, so there’s no getting in for him.

x

Yes, you are doing this MoreLegs. And so well. You have so much grit and so much determination, and he is not worth your little finger.

Absolutely don't let him know whether the card arrives or not. That's wife-work and he is most certainly not entitled to any of that from you.

Thank goodness you took his keys away. At least you don't have to worry about him sneaking back.

I hope the increase in messages isn't getting to you. It sounds like your radio silence is getting to him. Deservedly.

Sleep tight MoreLegs. You are marvellous and he is a fool.

What I'm worried about legs is that he is upping the anti reguarding getting in contact, yes there are birthdays but he is trying to communicate through YOU.

I wouldn't block him, but don't respond just allow him to know you are ignoring him. Blocking means you give a crap, just treat him like a nobody, not worthy of any sign of aknowledgement.

He will begin to loose control, you watch.
This will affect his cosy little set up.

Stay strong lovely, all this shit he's put you through, he will get his just deserts.

Sleep well x

Don’t respond to anything ever again except via solicitors. He’ll get the message.

You’re TOTALLY doing it!

You really are doing it, you are stronger with every post you make, it’s lovely to read as the anger you’re feeling now is the gateway to being happy in the future.

Has the marriage certificate arrived, can you send the divorce petition off, let it land on his mat on Saturday and ruin his weekend.

Making silence after every text the norm is also good. He’ll get the message.