Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

I too was felt totally humiliated, ashamed and embarrassed. Which I was told is perfectly nnormal to feel. But really, when I did feel able to tell people , I was calm and just the basic facts meant people knew exactly what a creep he is.
I think, like me , you will never be able to forgive him . I am so angry as he tarnished my memories , devastated me right now in the present time and has destroyed and left me so scared and uncertain about my future.
You are coping so well , one day at a time is all you can do. Be proud of how far you have come since you first started posting.

@Justilou1

I genuinely think you ought to tell every man and his dog EVERYTHING - from supporting him through years of ED to multiple affairs. Honestly, the man is a toad, and for some reason, despite you doing your best to support him and obviously being a fabulous mum, you’re carrying the guilt that he simply isn’t. Where is his conscience through all this? AWOL.

I agree. People need to be able to stand up and say "I am getting a divorce. It is NOT a failure on my part!". We need to remove the 'stigma' of a failed marriage from a betrayed party, or when a divorce is a mutual decision.

Another thing I hate is the way cheaters are simply accepted back into the fold of family and friends with their AP. It used to be that someone having an affair was condemned and shunned, at least for a good while. Now there's absolutely no 'social penalty' for cheating. In fact many injured spouses are encouraged by these self-same enablers to 'just get over it'.

@MoreLegsThanMe You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty for!! Stand tall and tell it like it is!!

Thank you x

I started work on the Petition today. It’s been harder than I thought. Much harder. I’ll just do a little each day then issue it when it’s all complete.

I don’t know if I should let him know once it’s issued, or just let him, unsuspecting, pick it up off the doormat one morning.

Never did I imagine I would have to do this. As always, you are all so right in what you say. @justilou1 has it spot on about his conscience. I’m not entirely sure he even has one. @AcrossthePond55 I think his own family will not be welcoming him back, especially not with her in tow. I can remember a time when cheaters were despised, but now it seems almost normalised doesn’t it.

I still have days when I can barely believe what’s happened, and that the person I trusted above all others has done this. It seems inconceivable.

I wonder if he ever thinks about what he’s done and feels any guilt or shame. I think probably not. I just can’t understand how anyone wouldn’t be guilt-ridden, but clearly he sees things differently from everyone else. They probably sit there bemoaning their previous lives.

I’m sure neither of them lies awake at night wondering how the fuck they can go on. They’re probably too busy trying out his new toy.

x

Well done on starting the petition MoreLegs. I'm sure it is painful but your plan to tackle it a little bit at a time is very sensible. You will get it done and it will be worth it. Let him pick it off the doormat too. What consideration did he show any of you when he decided to run off for his illicit encounter? I hope it is a nasty shock to him.

I doubt he feels guilt or shame, but he isn't like you. You couldn't feel happy having inflicted such misery on people who loved you, but I imagine he tells himself it's very unfair that he's so misunderstood. It's astonishing the lies that people can tell themselves.

I don't know what sort of life they're leading but I suspect it's not the idyll you imagine, what with him recovering from a heart attack and her being distinctly on the psycho side, and both of them being as selfish as toddlers in a tantrum. And I am quite sure it will end in tears. And when it does he won't have you to pick up the pieces.

A life well-lived is the best revenge. You can do it. We know you can.

Sleep well, lovely. You're amazing.

Oh, I think he has a conscience, all right. And it's secretly hammering him. It's why he's being such a jerk. Someone with no conscience feels no need to be ugly and place blame. They do what they do with an easy mind and no worries about those left behind in the wake of their destruction.

Only someone with a conscience that's killing them feels the need to turn the tables, to place blame, to justify themselves, or to bribe their children with cookies and chocolate. They don't care that they're causing further pain by trying to make themselves 'blameless'.

No, he has a conscience all right, and I hope he chokes on it.

Oh legs, we all know too well that feeling of utter dissapointment in someone.
I still have feelings of blaming myself although I know I didn't deserve the hurt that was inflicted upon me. I think its only natural to look back on a long life together and wonder, were they even walking the same path as me?

I couldn't get my head round the complete lack of concience in my husband's actions.
But it is not our fault, it is not your fault, the fault is theirs, there is something missing in some peoples make up that can cause such hurt.
A person like that can never truly love, he has been winging it forever with you, you made him appear loving.
Let the story unfold, you will see how others begin to realise who he really is.
He is not going to like this new story, he is the villain and for someone so utterly selfish he will find that a hard label to accept.

Sleep tight. x

Men don’t like to feel like they are the bad guy. This is why they get angry with you and make up reasons why it’s all “your fault” that “you made him” behave the way he did. (Because he had no choice at all 🤮) Don’t let him bury you by making you carry the shame that he really should be feeling. Nor should you protect him. He is a coward.

Well done on starting the petition, Just let it drop on the doormat. At no point during this has he shown you any consideration to justify anything else, and if you message him, he may reply which personally I wouldn’t want to get into a discussion about it.

Oh yeah - no warnings for him.

If you have more than 50 watched threads, a little 'more' button appears at the bottom of the list. The ones you bump and reset stay at the top. Hope this helps!

just that is so true. Going off on a tangent, Dennis Radar, the BTK serial killer stood up in court and plead guilty to multiple courts of murder in front of everyone. Then went on to whinge from prison that his daughter threw him under the bus because she told the truth about growing up with him and empathised with the victims families. That to me was mind blowing in his audacity and self delusion. Clearly he was a sick individual but even when confronted with and admitting to his crimes he tried to play the victim.

Obviously the OPs husband isn't in that league (we hope) but the aversion to being seen as the bad guy is so strong that it produces the most staggering ability to do mental gymnastics in some people. Have you noticed though women are the opposite? we tend to blame ourselves for everything and carry guilt around for stuff that isn't our fault?

Thank you x

@Limalama I’d never heard of Dennis Radar so I Googled and wish I hadn’t.

I won’t forewarn him about the Petition even though I still feel I should ( what is wrong with me?). I’m naming her too and I’ll seek costs from them.

I can only imagine the reaction it’ll have on them. Somehow they’ll turn it around though, make it my fault. Just the two of them bitching about me. Won’t be pretty in their little love nest. I hope her husband does the same thing to her.

I rang my FIL today. He seems happier than last time. We talked about DD3’s new car and starting her job on the 19th. Conversation about H was limited to asking if he’d been heard from, which he hasn’t.

I used the lawnmower today. H always did it before, claiming it was too big and heavy for me. Admittedly I found it hard to start but then I was fine. I repotted a bamboo too. I think the weather tomorrow is meant to be fairly rubbish here so my next plan once it’s better is to bring in all the bird feeders and give them a good cleaning out. It helps to have something to do each day even if it’s only something little.

DD4 and DS are back to school on Monday. DD4 finished at 2.00pm Mondays so I’ll go and pick her up.

I know this will sound a bit old and tired now, but thank you so so much. I don’t know any of you but you seem to get the advice totally right every day. If there was a way of thanking you in person I would.

x

Nothing's wrong with you. You're just a kind person and you treat people the way you would like them to treat you. But he doesn't deserve that degree of consideration any more. So let the petition land on the doormat. Not warning him is such a minor issue when one thinks of the havoc he has wreaked. To you, the DC and FIL.

Good to hear your FIL sounds happier and that you were able to get a decent potter in the garden. A plan for a gardening job a day sounds excellent. It does you good and the garden's going to look fabulous.

The DC go back early around your way. My DS is off for another week. I haven't seen him before midday all holiday...

I'm so glad we help a bit. You deserve it.

Sleep tight MoreLegs.

Sorry if my post was a negative I tend to look at extremes of human behaviours and see how those behaviours are mirrored in everyday life, obviously to a lesser degree. Psychology background

I do think from what you have said he is probably experiencing a certain degree of cognitive dissonance. The cake/Easter eggs etc are signs to me he's struggling with his internal justification of what he has done. Have a Google of that, much more positive from your perspective

Oh it’s definitely baby steps at the moment @MoreLegsThanMe. Just do a little bit every day. There were days when putting a load of washing in was an achievement.
(I now manage 2 🤣)

I would think there’s HUGE cognitive dissonance going on in his head.

Oh, and give him NO WARNING AT ALL about what’s heading his way.

won’t forewarn him about the Petition even though I still feel I should ( what is wrong with me?). I’m naming her too and I’ll seek costs from them. I can only imagine the reaction it’ll have on them. Somehow they’ll turn it around though, make it my fault. Just the two of them bitching about me. Won’t be pretty in their little love nest. I hope her husband does the same thing to her

They can bitch all they want if it makes them feel any better. You are now in control, he is the one who has left expecting zero consequences, and practice your calm, resting bitch face for if he does react, don’t give him the satisfaction of any emotion from you.

Make sure you also do the CMS application at the same time, I seem to recall from thread 1 that he has this romantic idea of the benevolent dad sweeping in and paying for the school shoes when they need them, but your DC’s aren’t little kids and that’s not how the real world works.

You have been trained to be loyal to him through systematic abuse. (Coercive/gaslighting type) Please don’t forget this. This is pure patterning. Look past this and seek your true feelings.

Now is the time to show him disloyalty.

He will never expect you to be disloyal, he has never experienced it.
Time to be very stern, he has turned you into a stranger, and that is how you must act in all situations now.
Put the memories in a box in your head and only open them when alone, when with him or dealing with the divorce act as though you had no past together.
It hurts to show no mercy but it will hurt him more than you.
I think it's time to show him your hand now.

x

@Onthedunes

Now is the time to show him disloyalty.

He will never expect you to be disloyal, he has never experienced it.
Time to be very stern, he has turned you into a stranger, and that is how you must act in all situations now.
Put the memories in a box in your head and only open them when alone, when with him or dealing with the divorce act as though you had no past together.
It hurts to show no mercy but it will hurt him more than you.
I think it's time to show him your hand now.

x

Great post.

@Onthedunes

Now is the time to show him disloyalty.

He will never expect you to be disloyal, he has never experienced it.
Time to be very stern, he has turned you into a stranger, and that is how you must act in all situations now.
Put the memories in a box in your head and only open them when alone, when with him or dealing with the divorce act as though you had no past together.
It hurts to show no mercy but it will hurt him more than you.
I think it's time to show him your hand now.

x

I also think this is a great post.

Stay amazing 😉

Thank you x

@Onthedunesyou are so right. I can’t think of a single occasion upon which I was disloyal to him, yet his episodes of disloyalty are so many.

The Petition is nearly ready. I’m waiting for a copy of my marriage certificate, then it’s all systems go.

Last night, I don’t know why, I looked at the illicit encounters site. I really wish I hadn’t. I didn’t see any profiles but I read some glowing “testimonials” from satisfied subscribers. I lost count of the number who claimed they were having so much fun but would never want to hurt their husband/wife. Claims that the site was “honest and genuine” (!), claims that people had had numerous partners whilst still married. Women can apparently join free, but men pay about £200.00 for twelve weeks’ membership. It sickens me to think how many £200.00 H paid out over the time he was involved with that site, it really does.

The betrayal just keeps getting worse.

I can’t let this beat me because I have the DC to think of. Were it not for them...

I’ve e gone from wishing I could see him so he could give me an explanation, to not ever want to see his face again.

x

The problem is legs he still thinks you were put on this earth to support him.

Lets show him how strong you were before you met him and agreed to be loyal to him.

He won't know whats hit him.

Sleep tight all the strong women.

x

It sounds vile and cruel. When did adultery become so acceptable as a lifestyle choice that websites were set up to facilitate it? I saw an advertising hoarding for the site somewhere recently (trying to think where because it's not as though I've been out much lately) and I was revolted that something so squalid was being promoted as though it was washing up liquid.

It was a cold-blooded betrayal MoreLegs. He knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to join and he didn't care about the consequences. Still, at least he'll never be able to claim it was a momentary madness and he can't think what came over him. He showed his true colours when he made that choice.

You have every right to be very angry. But you won't let it beat you. You will forge a new and a good life for yourself and the DC. Think of all you did to support and encourage him over the years. Well, you won't be wasting your abilities on him any more. Instead you'll be using them for yourself.

Well done on getting so far with the petition.

Be kind to yourself, lovely. Sleep well.

I know you never wanted to be put in the position of having to fill in a petition like this @MoreLegsThanMe. I suspect he’s waiting for the time for the adultery clause to clock out. I’m proud of you for getting the jump on them while you can and while they both assume you’re too submissive to bite back.

I’m in a similar position @MoreLegsThanMe - not from the adultery POV, but more in the fact I’ve given up nearly half my life, facilitating and supporting my STBEX.

I’m an empathetic person through and through, and he used that against me. I have moments of utter anger and grief, but once I’m through, life will be much much better.

Going through the divorce process has had to force me to become a person I’m not... helped by a very solid (female) lawyer who’s stepped in and given me a slap round the chops when I’ve waivered.

Harness that anger, and use it to propel yourself forward. And get a Rottweiler of a SHL (Shit Hot Lawyer)