Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

I would think that DS would find it more empowering to have the choice to open the card or put it in the bin. (Or take out any money cut it up, leaving it unread.) Let DS know there are more options. Sounds like DS is hurting.

Morning @MoreLegsThanMe hope it’s not too cold up there today, I haven’t crawled out of bed yet and the wind is howling here.

I wouldn’t message him as he already has form for ignoring it. However, is he likely to come to the house again? That would upset ds day as it will trigger exactly the same feelings you have been.

I think ds is hurting big time, he’s saying he wants nothing, but will be equally if not more upset if he actually gets nothing. I think @CatChant has it, intercept anything that does arrive and let ds know and he can have it when he’s ready. His poor mind must be in absolute turmoil. Maybe let ds know what your intentions are so he is involved with the process so has a feeling of control. Maybe along the lines of ‘I’m not going to message him, unless you really want me to, as he’s unlikely to listen, but I will bring in anything that comes and you are in charge of when or if ever you think you might want it, you don’t have to do or have anything you don’t want’. The issue with everything you have gone through is xh has had all of the control you have had no choice in what he has done. You don’t have a choice on what he will do here but you do have a choice in how you react to it and ds can be a part of that.

Have a good Monday x

I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction I’d spent 2 minutes of my time messaging. Your are doing amazing 😉 stay strong.

I've been following your thread for a while OP and you are doing an amazing job in processing all of this.

Just a word of caution though, if you send a message like that it could come back to haunt you with the rest of the family. He could easily send that message to his wider family and say 'look legs is stopping me from communicating with my children'. Then you would be painted as the bitter ex who is alienating them.

I agree with PPs. Don't send anything or communicate with him. Take any letters or parcels in and give them the power to decide if they want to open them or throw them in the bin. At some point it's likely that contact will resume, it just needs to be on their time frame not his.

I agree with the others. Don't reply anything that suggests they don't want to see him. He will use this to make you out to be poisoning them.

I have been thinking about this. You need to engage the solicitor and get them to advise him that his relationship with you is over. If he wishes to pursue relationships with his children, then he needs to facilitate this himself. Each child has their own mobile phone, and he is perfectly aware of their numbers and you will not be his go-between anymore. If he does not receive an immediate response, then he is to respect that the children have their own lives to lead and will either answer later, or not. He is not to return to the property without the express permission of @MoreLegsThanMe.
*I believe they are probably old enough to make those decisions for themselves. (Please correct me if I am wrong.)

Oh thank you x

Thinking about it more I realise you’re all right. It’s best not to contact him as all that will happen is he will show it to her and act all pitiful - poor me. Yuk.

DS and DD4 are still clear in their minds that they want nothing to do with him. From the start, and I think I’ve said on here, I told them that if they want to contact their father or see him even, that’s completely fine with me. I’ve never tried to influence them either way. They’re old enough to decide for themselves.

I’d be amazed if he even asks me what DS would like. He’ll probably send a few quid in a cheap card.

I’m still so furiously angry that he just upped and left after promising right up until the night before that he wouldn’t ever do anything like that again. He didn’t even say any kind of goodbye to them. He just sped off back to her and left me to tell them. I’ll never forgive him for that. Never.

It’s snowed up here today and been very windy. I dare say it won’t have been too bad where they are, but I imagine them cuddled up together on the sofa, him with no responsibilities whatsoever, and her with her part-time mothering. Must be nice mustn’t it. To do exactly as you please 24/7.

Sorry - am venting.

Tomorrow is a new day.

x

I know exactly how you are feeling, my stbxeh has fled the County to be with OW for the school holiday fortnight over Easter making no effort to spend time with our chikdren or to allow me any kind of break. Have been so angry that I am left holding the fort and he has zero regard for their feelings and is taking no responsibility with encouraging the relationship he claims to want to have with his kids. Makes me want to scream.
Sending big hugs of support your way. Screaming into a pillow has helped me this evening 😉
And crossing fingers the weather improves ASAP too !!
I think its ace you are letting your kids decide whether they wish to see him or not, mine are getting to the point of realising Daddy is all talk, no action. Quite sad to witness really but I can't force him to parent.

That’s it in a nutshell, isn’t it? Running away from the reality of life with the people HE created, not just running away from you, or running away to HER. These men are such cowards and seem to think that they get to cherry-pick the experiences they want with their kids and get out of the boring, heavy-duty stuff. Unfortunately this is how it often works out for them. Disney Dads are the worst.

You could say to the DC that you are not going to contact their Dad to tell him they don't want any contact but you will have a drawer/storage box/part of a cupboard where anything he sends gets put. It's then completely up to them if the open, bin or leave and at any point they can go in the box without any judgement on your part. It could get around the sometimes fickle thinking of not yet adults where you bin cards because DC told you to hut further down the line they forget that and it looks bad on your part.

Vent away. To abandon his children with no explanation, apology or even a goodbye was disgustingly low. It was proof positive that he thinks of no one but himself. He'll never be someone to rely on in hard times. OW will discover that too, but she proved she's cut from the same cloth when she ran off and left her children.

They may have abandoned their responsibilities but at a cost no normal person would think worth paying. No matter how hard work it is to be a parent, most of us want to be with our children, would grieve at being separated from them and would do our best to stay in contact.

Tomorrow is another day, as you say and hopefully a warmer one. We have no snow but it is freezing outside. My weeding has come to a screeching halt.

Hope you're getting a decent night's rest. Take care.

Channel that furious anger into get the
divorce moving, Legs. It will be a form of therapy for you!

I think you'd kick yourself if you messaged him.....plus it may open another can of worms communication wise which you I really don't need ?

I agree with PP and channel your anger into sending him the paperwork to kick start the divorce......

Some days will seem a bit easier , others will be hard, you'll feel sick/panicky. It won't always be this way. It's still early days but you're doing a bloody sterling job so far, especially with your kids. Although if you feel wobbly, I think it's ok for them to see that x

We are all still here if you need us x

Thank you x

I like @TheTeenageYears idea of the box to put his crap in. I had thought of just ripping everything up regardless, but I’ll tell the DC something has come and if they don’t want to open it now it can go in the box and if and when they want to see, it’ll be there.

He sent them a message saying “Happy Easter”. It’s pathetic isn’t it.

It’s DD1’s birthday tomorrow. I’ll ask if she heard from him. It amazes me he even remembers their birthdays.

I sound so petty don’t I.

Birthdays are hard. I can still remember how proud he was at the births. He cried. I never thought that it could be an act but perhaps it was. He said he didn’t have an affair or otherwise contact women when the DDs were small. The trouble is, I can’t believe a word he says now. I wouldn’t trust him to tell me the time. I want him to know all this and want to make him understand what he’s done but even if there was a way of doing it he’d probably be completely unmoved. The man I married and had these DC with is dead, isn’t he. I just don’t know who that man is any more.

I want to tell him to contact his own father but he wouldn’t do that either. I just don’t think there’d be any getting through to him. When is he going to get back to reality?

The DC are all fine. I talk to DD1 and DD2 every day. If the conversation turns to him it’s because the DDs bring him up, so it’s very rare. I know in my heart that I’ve never been disrespectful or offensive about him in front of any of the DC and they know they are welcome to contact him however they wish. It’s just a pity he’ll put their lack of communication down to me “poisoning” them against him.

I really don’t think I’m a bad person but I know he’ll not think that, helped by her no doubt.

This has turned into my very own pity party hasn’t it - I am sorry.

x

OP this thread isn’t a pity party. You are doing so well not to bad mouth him ( I don’t like that term because speak the truth is more accurate) to the children. Honestly he’s not worth your thoughts.

Oh legs, it's still there isn't it that shame.

Explaining yourself how you would never bad mouth him, him thinking you are poisoning the children.

It doesn't matter what he thinks now, he is an irrelavance.
You are slowly pulling away from him and soon you will see how independant your thinking will get.
You are going to get that Eureka moment when you suddenly realise, why the hell did I ever listen to that, or why did I give that turd so much air time.
You will see him as a boring, everyday man, nothing special, I bet.

Sleep well, now start believing in yourself.

x

You have nothing to be sorry for MoreLegs and such a lot to be proud of. You've done nothing to hinder his relationship with the DC. It's his own failings that have led to him having no contact with them since he left.

You're not a bad person. He can tell all the lies he wants to himself and to OW, but he is the one who's jeopardised his relationship with his DC. Not you.

It must be so hard when you remember happier times but the truth is the person he loves best and always has loved best is himself. Other people just fit into whatever narrative he fancies telling himself at the time.

You're too good for him. You always were.

Sleep tight, lovely.

You know you’re probably right about the way he talks about you with OW regarding the kids, but deep down he knows the truth: He just hasn’t put in the work. Any effort has been so very minimal. Tokenistic at best. They know that. Even OW probably knows that. They tell each other lies about alienation to make themselves feel better.
Now.. as for him getting back to reality.... WHY DO YOU THINK HE WAS EVER THERE?

The thing is, you are probably right about him having a narrative of you being the evil one. But he won’t be able to keep that to himself if he ever has contact with the kids again. At the moment they want nothing to do with him, as they get older they may drift back into contact with him but the second he starts to bad mouth you, rather than acknowledge that they were able to make their own decision about contact, any relationship with them will be right back to where it is now.

You have behaved impeccably. You’ve tried to keep your grieving to yourself and you have not bad mouthed him, even when telling them he’d left, again, without saying goodbye.

This time next week the birthdays will be over, one more milestone you’ve achieved, the weather will hopefully be improving, shops will reopen. Maybe take the dc in your household shopping before the schools go back, enjoy some retail therapy.

@MoreLegsThanMe this is no pity party. These are the quite rightly outraged words of a strong, decent, morally upright woman who has been betrayed and taken advantage of in the worst way possible.
You invited none of this into your life. These were not your choices. You deserved none of it. You have every right to say whatever you need to say and here is a safe space to say it and get it all out.
He chose this path, you are entitled to your reactions to those choices.
He is no longer the man you thought he was.
I’m so sorry, Legs. It’s truly shattering, don’t judge yourself for your natural reactions to this, it really isn’t a long time since it happened in terms of healing, and you are doing so well.
Throw yourself into the DC’s birthdays and he must organise himself as far as that is concerned. I think chucking anything he sends in a box and telling the DC it’s up to them what they do with it is the best way to deal with his side of things. He’s lost the right to your help with anything. You’ve more than done your bit. X

Thank you so much x

Your advice is so welcome and you always seem to hit the nail right on the head.

DD1 had a good birthday by all accounts. I messaged her earlier too but no reply. She’s very very strict with herself about phones. She and her husband never use theirs around their DS.

When I think of her birth it reminds me of how he was. I had a long labour and he was so good. He seemed to know exactly what to do. He cried when she was born and was besotted straightaway. He was first to hold her. Now all I can think is: did he have someone else the? Was he contacting women? Of course there were no mobiles or emails then (!) but he still could have somehow been in touch with other women. He told me nothing happened until the twenty-fifth year we were married, but of course now I doubt virtually everything he ever said to me.

I spoke to his sister yesterday. She said she got the “Happy Easter” message too but that he emails little, mostly talks about football, and really doesn’t refer to me or the DC at all.

Someone from work asked me if I was okay because she’d not heard from me in a while. I couldn’t tell her the truth, it would have been too embarrassing. I don’t know why I feel ashamed, I’ve done nothing wrong. Is feeling ashamed normal?

I have to speak to the GP when I have a week’s-worth of antidepressants left. I’m honestly not sure if it’s them or the passage of time (or both?) that’s made me feel that little bit better. I’m going to ask if I can keep on with them until the last of the “firsts” is done, that being our wedding anniversary in August, followed by DD4‘s birthday. Then I’d like to stop I think. I didn’t want to start in the first place, but I’m glad I did. The next first is DS’s birthday in a couple of weeks.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Sometimes I don’t know how my heart keeps on beating.

x

You sound so nice OP so pleased you are starting to feel a little bit better x

Ah MoreLegs you shouldn't feel ashamed but I think it's far from unusual to want to keep your pain to yourself. It is too private a matter to be comfortable with airing it to acquaintances and colleagues. Remember when you do choose to tell people (and it is entirely your choice whether you do) it is for you to decide how much you reveal. You can simply say you have separated and leave it at that.

It is horrible to have so many of your memories tainted by his betrayal. I'm sure it wasn't all lies. But nowhere near enough of it was the truth. He showed you part of himself - the good side - and I expect that only existed because you made it easy for him to join in family life. The side he didn't show valued the excitement of a furtive thrill more than the people he should have put first.

It is hard, incredibly hard, to have kept going and have held everything together for your DC. It's taken a lot of courage and determination on your part but you can do it. We know because you've come so far already. And if the anti-depressants give a little bit of help they are worth it. You won't need them forever. One day he won't have the power to hurt you any more.

Keep going, lovely. Sleep tight.

For what it’s worth, (which tbh I’m a stranger on the internet so very little) he probably wasn’t seeing someone else when the kids were little and you can believe that. Don’t let it taint your early memories, I’m sure in the coming years you’ll remember his behaviour at certain times and have your doubts but don’t let that eat away at you, let the good memories stay as they are. As you begin to rediscover you and life memories of him will become less relevant and it will still be nice to tell the kids stories of how he was with them. If that makes sense.

One thing I think you will find is when you do buck up the courage to tell people in real life is that things will become easier for you. A friend of mine was suffering massively, different issue to you, but when she opened up she felt much more free, she knew she could agree to invites and if she had to cancel at the last minute no one would mind, we got our friend back as she’d hidden away in embarrassment. Maybe meet up with someone from work now we’re allowed again, you only have to tell one person, everyone will be on your side and you will be able to be in their company without having the feeling of carrying a big embarrassing secret with you all the time. You don’t need to give details simply xh is a bastard will do, do they know he left last year?

I genuinely think you ought to tell every man and his dog EVERYTHING - from supporting him through years of ED to multiple affairs. Honestly, the man is a toad, and for some reason, despite you doing your best to support him and obviously being a fabulous mum, you’re carrying the guilt that he simply isn’t. Where is his conscience through all this? AWOL.