Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Legs, he thinks he is making a point. In a pompous selfish manner.
In the words of Basil Fawlty, “Is that burning martyr I smell?”
Thinking about it, he hasn’t got a point to make. There’s no point to him in your life any more.
Of course it was a shock to see him. All sorts of things trigger the echoes of any traumatic experience. He’s not just a trigger, he IS the traumatic experience.
Allow yourself to have a cry, it’s nature’s stress reliever and very good for you to help let go of all the negative stress hormones and adrenaline. It’s not weak or going backwards, humans cry for a reason. Afterwards you will feel a bit better and probably sleep better too. Take care lovely X

@MoreLegsThanMe what a shock for you seeing him at your home unexpectedly.
How bloody inconsiderate of him to just turn up.
Big hugs sent, have a cry if you need and let it all out.
You have shown such strength. This just a wee blip.
Onwards and upwards 🙂

Also be careful legs,

It sounds like he still wants you in his sphere of influence. (it's a narc thing).
He may be getting a little bored of the ammount of attention he is getting now.
You have always given him corpious ammounts of attention unconditionally I bet and some men don't like to loose that.

My husband was like that, he didn't want me when he left, but after getting on with it , he would try to pop back, even worse was when I began helping someone for free, with my work skills, who he knew.
God he was angry about that, it boils down to the fact they cannot give up control of someone even though they have no right.

They dress it up being about the kids but they have other agendas.

Make sure he's no where near you, he will bring you down everytime, and he knows this.

It’s like a cat pissing to mark his territory. SEND IN THE DIVORCE PETITION. That will be like throwing a bucket of cold water on him. He won’t expect that to come from you. He thinks that he will get to do that when HE’S good and ready. (Money and assets hidden.)

Feeling for you legs. He’s an asshole and this is just his way of trying to get back into your life again.

I agree with above PP. Get the divorce started. It will send a loud and clear message.

I'm so sorry OP he is a vile piece of work, I do think now is the time to reiterate he is not welcome at your property and if he does want to give anything to the children he is to organise it with them separately away from your home, if they want to.

You’ve done so well. He is a complete bastard.

Everything you’ve gone through over the last 3 months is progress in the bank. Yes seeing him will have triggered awful feelings, hopefully more of hate, get the f out of my garden feelings, don’t be afraid to have a cry and you will pick yourself up even stronger.

Have a great day, how are the planters coming on?

@MoreLegsThanMe - it’s the usual disrespect for your boundaries. He’s probably been trampling over them for years. Well, mine certainly had, so slightly based on my experience.

I hadn’t quite taken on board that you’d not started the ball rolling in terms of divorce. I’d use this opportunity to take back some power, and serve the papers to him.

Get used to taking the upper hand occasionally.

(And sadly, brace yourself for seeing him from time to time. I find it very triggering to see mine, but occasionally it has to happen. It would be nice to just KNOW when to expect him, eh?)

PS Are you getting some counselling? I’m finding it really helpful. I can recommend someone but not sure where you are in the uk. PM me and I’ll help if I can.

If the dc don't want them donate them to a local charity or food bank.

Thank you so much x

I’m better today. I think it was the utter shock of seeing him and I kept thinking afterwards that if I’d stood up five seconds earlier I’d have seen him coming down the path, or if I’d started in the garden earlier he’d have then seen me.

The DC have been very honest with me and said they want the free chocolate, so they’ll be eating the eggs.

It’s like I miss him desperately and hate him all at once. Throughout our last conversation he kept saying how “strong” I was like it was some sort of compliment. I don’t feel very strong though. Being strong doesn’t hold me at night.

Tomorrow I take DD3 to pick up her car. Then I’ll come home and finish the jet washing I think. Then to get to grips with the drilling. DD3 is hoping to meet a friend for a walk tomorrow afternoon so I’ll just lounge around once the garden gets the better of me and I give up for the day.

I am going to issue the Petition soon. I have progressed because at the beginning I was set against it really, as I was sure it’s what they wanted and I didn’t feel minded to give them anything they wanted. Of course she’s still married anyway. But I do inside properly know that this is it. If (when?) it all falls apart with her he won’t have anywhere to go and I know he’d try me with a pity story. He’ll see how strong I am then.

Thank you all again.

x

Bless your DC for a thoroughly healthy attitude. Here he is investing his silly Easter eggs with all sorts of emotional significance and they are simply regarding them as free chocolate. It shows how little he means to them.

You are strong MoreLegs but he says it because he feels it absolves him of responsibility for his actions. Self-serving as usual. He doesn't have any idea just how strong you really are. But I think he'll find out and regret it one day.

It's understandable that you've hesitated over the divorce petition because you didn't want to give them what you felt they wanted. But the important thing is to do what's best for your interests and sod whether it suits him or not. Actually, I think it will give him a shock because I doubt he's realised just how much he's burnt his boats with you.

Gardening, drilling and jet-washing sound like a good plan before the weekend's cold snap. If your garden's anything like mine the weeds are springing up overnight too to keep you busy. Hope DD3 is pleased with her new car.

Look after yourself. Sleep tight.

You are strong @MoreLegsThanMe and you are starting to find your true strength. The best bit is that if you look at the ‘stages of grief’ you are through all the horrible ones, like shock, depression and anger, you’ve reached the upward turn and starting to rebuild your life.

It might be worth having a conversation with the kids at some point to make sure they are ignoring him because they want to and not out of loyalty to you. He has hurt them massively too and his only attempts at contact have been food related, they are dealing with their own hurt, but I also think are feeling very protective of you.

Hope dd3 loves her car, did he do anything for the other family birthday this week?

Hope you’re able to get together with other DC’s over the Easter weekend.

Thank you x

@billybagpuss it’s DD1’s birthday next week then DS’s a couple of weeks later. I imagine for DS he’d just post a card, no doubt with money in it. There will probably be a sickly sweet card for DD1 too. I think I’ve said she’s waiting for completion on her new house. They’re in an Airbnb. They’ve just found out that completion won’t now be April 16th as they’d hoped, but because of an issue with a fractured water tank it won’t be til 31st May..they only have the Airbnb til 16th April so they’ve had to find another. Money, money, money.

Where he’ll send the card is anyone’s guess. I’m not passing on her addresses. She may well have given it to him directly though. I try not to interfere with the older DDs as I think their relationship with him is not really my business. It’s so tempting to just let rip though.

DD3 has her car and is happy.

Pottering tomorrow and hopefully drilling. Need to do as much as possible as we’re expecting snow on Monday.

Thank you all again. My army.

x

Poor DD1. Moving house can be such a nightmare and it is always more expensive than you thought it was going to be.

Glad the car's worked out for DD3. Yikes to the snow. I think I'll be spared that but it's definitely already a lot chillier than the last few days have been. I really must learn to dump all the boring jobs and whizz into the garden whenever it's fine.

Hope you have decent weather for your pottering tomorrow MoreLegs. Take care. Sleep well.

Oh no, I hope dd is able to find somewhere not too much money, that’s annoying for her.

It looks like snow is going to miss us here, hoping it’s going to get warm again soon.

Thank you x

Spent today on this and that.

DD4 asked if I would plan on getting a boyfriend. I said I didn’t think so. It got me thinking that I probably never could. How could I ever trust anyone again? I’m clearly the world’s worst at spotting liars. And the thought of being intimate with someone just frightens me.

But I still hate to be alone. I hate everything about this. It’s genuinely like my life has been ruined. And there they are all cosy and (by his own admission) not sparing a thought for me or any of the DC. He did actually say that when he was with her from last June he didn’t think about us. He had little compartments in his mind he could open and close at will.

He must be very clever? I wouldn’t be able to do that, so maybe I’m the foolish one.

x

I don't think it's that he's clever. It's more that for some reason he's developed an ability to compartmentalise parts of his life. It makes him very untrustworthy. He won't stop doing this to other people in the future, including OW.

You're not foolish. You treat people as people, not things. And that is why you have your lovely family, self-respect and a direction in life, and all he has is his squalid affair with another cheat. And you're not the world's worst at spotting liars. I'll bet he's supremely good at charming anyone he wishes. It's a skill that often seems to go with a total lack of conscience or consideration for others.

It is early to be talking about possible future relationships. You've still got a lot of healing to do before you're back to your normal self and I imagine just the idea of dating someone sounds exhausting. In future you might feel differently. Or you might not. But whatever happens you're not living unsuspectingly in an innocent's paradise that could be blown to smithereens at any moment.

It will get better. Keep on doing this and that. Keep on being brilliant.

Sleep tight, lovely.

You are not the foolish one, people that can compartmentalise like that often can not see when other people need support, he has shown how selfish he can be, but in all the years of giving (and forgiving as this is the 3rd time he’s done this) what has he done for you?

All of this will make you stronger and more wary of giving your heart, but as you heal from the hurt it doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. I has a couple of retired students whose marriages broke down, they now have lovely boyfriends who they go on holiday with, meet for coffee, share their free time, but they all own and live in separate houses they have no intention of becoming joined life partners. It’s just easy and fun and in their terms.

Also if he compartmentalises so efficiently, he’s currently living in his one cute little love box, he’s going to get a shock as the world starts to open up again and he peeks outside. His df is furious with him, his DC’s don’t want anything to do with him, he’s burnt every last bridge with you. It’s easy to hide from this while the world is in lockdown.

You are strong legs but that doesn’t mean you don’t feel deeply or get hurt or waver. Being strong can also mean being tough enough to see things realistically and recognising the nuances and emotions in situations.

The weak and cowardly stick to their version of events cos it’s scary to do otherwise and face up to reality.

Enjoy your DC, your garden and know your worth
💪

It is still very early days regards dating. It took me a year after exh left before I ventured out with my girlie friends. I was very like you concentrating on the house and kids.

Take it all day at a time @MoreLegsThanMe

Give yourself lots of time before contemplating jumping in to the dating pool.

The very best thing you can do for yourself is learn to be alone and love it. Not like a hermit, but being 'sufficient unto yourself' as far as not needing company. There is great peace and joy in sitting on your own watching shows you have chosen, eating the foods you chose prepared the way you want, walking along a path alone with no one to disrupt your inner thoughts or the sounds you're listening to, living your life and making decisions based on yourself, alone. Once you've learnt to be at peace with being on your own, then you'll be better able to judge whether someone really 'fits in' with your life, or if you even want someone in your life at all. Not wanting, or not being able, to be alone can cloud one's judgment and sometimes lead them to accept someone who isn't really right for them just for the sake of not being alone.

Thank you x

It was just a general chat with DD3 really. I have no intention of letting anyone else in. I think she was just curious.

Another Sunday anniversary. I think it’s 11 or 12 weeks but am not too sure. I’ve come on a lot because in the early stages I knew how many days it was.

It is DS’s birthday in a couple of weeks. He’s told me he doesn’t want to hear anything from his father and he doesn’t want a birthday card.

I want to send him a message along the lines of “DS has told me he doesn’t want anything from you for his birthday. He doesn’t want a card. Please respect his wishes”. I want to explain exactly why DS doesn’t want to hear from him but what’s the point. It’d fall on deaf ears anyway. As a message what do you think?

DS hasn’t said he would message his father directly and I haven’t asked him to. The last thing I want is his father sending him some self-pitying reply, or coming to the house again with something.

x

Oh yes, you have come a long, long way MoreLegs, you should be so proud of yourself for battling through all those hard weeks.

I'm not really sure what I'd do about DS not wanting anything from him for his birthday. If you send him a message that puts you in contact with him which is hard on you, and, judging by the Easter egg fiasco, he's not likely to pay a blind bit of notice.

But in your shoes I wouldn't want DS to be in contact needlessly in case it upsets him. He's obviously angry with his father and I don't see how he can't feel hurt by his behaviour, even if he's never regarded him as the reliable, rock-solid parent.

I think I'd probably say nothing, make sure to intercept the post on DS's birthday and let him know if something's arrived a day or so later so as not to spoil the day for him. Then if he wants he can either keep whatever's turned up or just mark it "return to sender". But that's just what I think I'd do. It's a tricky one and I'm sure there's not a single right answer.

Any sign of snow your way? It's been beautifully sunny here. Perfect for digging up dandelions, ivy, ground elder and bindweed while supervised by mildly curious cats - their company is their contribution to the work.

Sleep well.

This is a difficult one legs..

I agree you shouldn't go jumping to his requests by responding either way, don't get involved with any communication.
Indifference is the way to go with him, like he doesn't exist.
Your son has every right to be angry with him and it sounds as though your son doesn't want to be bullied into having communication at the moment.

I get that you are protective of your son, I would encourage him to say what he feels, give him the confidence to say what he needs to to his father at the moment.
If he can't face that, let him know that not responding is ok.
People always say encourage the relationship between child and father but children have their own wants and needs as they grow up, they are not babies.
Their dad has to respect their wishes.
If he doesn't want to see or hear from him that's ok.

Take care
x

I don't think I'd message on DS's behalf. That's only going to end up in a torrent of upsetting messages from his father to both of you.

I'd simply ask DS what he would like you to do with a card or gift if one arrives then follow his wishes. His father need not know a thing.