Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Tell him the DCs would prefer if he donates the Easter Eggs to a local charity, or Food Bank.

Bit of tough love here - Going forward, you’re going to have to interact with him at some point, so start to get your head around this fact, and employ some techniques so you can manage.

I only speak here of someone working VERY hard to employ these techniques herself !

Patronising bastard "Hope you are ok." He couldn't give a damn if you are ok, she has obviously picked up the easter eggs when shopping. As your dd has replied, I would ignore his message.

I agree it was probably her. Why would he break the habit of a lifetime and start now? (Also the cookie and the cake. She’s a feeder!)

@MoreLegsThanMe glad you’re feeling better. Now you’ve got the rule of 6 people outdoors, I’d tell him to ask the DC if they want to arrange to see him to get their Easter eggs, but that he’s not to drop them at the house as you’d prefer not to see him.
That way he’s clearly not welcome, you stay clear of it all and you also haven’t prevented him seeing the DC. It’s not surprising it’s made you feel a bit wobbly. Any contact is bound to be triggering. Give him a chance to see the DC if they wish, but it’s not up to you to arrange it for him. Grey rock the rest of it. X

I have been following your thread from the beginning and I admire you so much. You are doing so well and are entitled to ''wobbles'' along the way.
@Thewookiemustgo -- brilliant advice. This is what I would do.
I have been in a similar situation many years ago when I was very young as were my toddler children so have some empathy.
Keep going!

Hello MoreLegs. Sorry, been incommunicado with vaccination side-effects (now mostly gone and, as you say, much, much better than the alternative). Oh, but the cheek of him! As my Irish relations used to say!

You are perfectly entitled to feel wobbly at the thought of him invading what has now become your personal fortress and under no obligation to let him do so.

I agree I'd reply as laconically as possible that it would not be a good idea at present but he is welcome to meet up with the DC elsewhere if they and he wish. And then leave it.

Or, wicked thought, suggest he drops off the Easter eggs with his DF...But he wouldn't be up for that, would he...

Hope the car hunting for DD3 goes smoothly. Don't doubt yourself. You are doing wonderfully well.

Hi Op, you are still doing so well and should take a moment to be proud of yourself.

I agree with @Thewookiemustgo now the rule of 6 has come into play there is no reason he can't contact the children himself and ask them to meet up at the park. I would reply short and direct telling him under no circumstances is he welcome at your home and that should he wish to give the eggs to his children he should make alternative arrangements with them (should they wish). You are not a go between for him and it isn't your job to help integrate a relationship between them but I would put the suggestion at the park so he doesn't go around saying your coming between him and the kids, people have a way of manipulating your refusal to play a victim where he is no where near a victim ! X

He can invite them to his place... rather than invite himself to yours.
That gives them the right to refuse to see him - or to go and leave when they choose.

Whatever happens - he should not be asking you to create a bond with them for him. That wife-ship has sailed!

I'd back away from responding on behalf of the kids. Let them deal with him directly unless it's going to negatively impact their well-being.

As far as bringing things by I'd simply say "You are not welcome in this house after what you've done. If you have things you want the DC to have you'll need to make arrangements other than bringing them in person".

I think rather than responding as above, send in divorce petition or (whatever it’s called.) “Yeah, fine thanks.”

Thank you x

I agonised for hours (really) about whether or not to reply. I dithered between “get to fuck” and a massive rant about what he’s done to us, no I am not well thanks to him, his DC hate him etc etc.

He’d also messaged DD4 asking if he could come round. He’s probably messaged DS too but DS checks his messages once monthly at best so I’m not sure.

Eventually I kept it to DDs 3&4 and DS don’t want to have anything from you. His response was “fair enough. It won’t stop me loving them”.

I was so angry. He only loves himself. He seems to have no insight into what he’s done and as I’ve said before I think, his understanding appears to be well not much will change. My relationship with my DC won’t change, it’s just I’ll be living elsewhere with another woman.

DD3 has her car and is over the moon. She’s sorting insurance etc tomorrow and I’ll probably take her through to pick it up on Friday.

Tomorrow is a quick trip to Asda and then hopefully finishing off the jet washing. Then I really need to try and put up the planters I bought. If nothing else the sight of me wielding a drill should give the neighbours a good laugh.

Thank you for all standing in with me. My own posse. It feels like my army marching forward, moving me along. I’ll always be grateful to every single one of you.

x

“fair enough. It won’t stop me loving them”
His expression of love (occasional cake/sweets/biscuits) is material and trivial. He seems to be thinking of your DC as pets. They seem to understand that.

Well done you on the drill and the planters.

You're childrens lack of interest just shows who was the main caregiver, who was the responsive parent and who had the biggest selfless heart in the family.

You did !
Children are not stupid.

Sleep tight, Mrs DIY queen.
x

It won't stop me loving them.

Words are cheap, in his case so cheap as to be meaningless. What has he done in the last three months to show his DC he loves them? Nothing but send the odd parcel of sweet rubbish. They are not puppies to be bought with cupboard love. I am not surprised you are angry. What a failure he is as a parent, a husband and a son. He is not worthy of any of you.

Best of luck with the planters. I'm sure you'll figure out the drill. Hope you manage to get a good long spell in the garden tomorrow. It's lovely to have some decent weather at last.

Sleep tight MoreLegs. You're amazing.

That is absolutely the best response you could have given, it gave him the facts very succinctly but with no emotion. He doesn’t deserve any emotion from you neither love or hate. Indifference is the best thing.

He seriously is clueless though, any relationship with DC needs to be selfless and centered around time. They may get to a point where as adults they visit, but they will never fully forgive him for this.

Has his df been round yet, it would be great to be a fly on the wall for that visit.

Good luck with the planters. I bet they’ll look incredible. Unless you have somewhere to protect them don’t get the plants for another week or so, we’re due another cold snap next week.

I feel so angry on your behalf. A comment so glib will not make your children feel as though he loved them.

@MoreLegsThanMe

We are often referred to as the MN Nest of Vipers. 😁

You have been amazing, and continue to be so. Happy drilling!

His words are cheap as chocolate... and of less use!

I hope that you can see him more clearly now. He is not the man he was in your eyes

"Stop him loving them"

Fine words from a man who doesn't know what love is in the first place.

Thank you x

DD3 and I had just come back from Asda and I was taking five minutes before going in the garden. I stood up and looked out the window just in time to see him disappearing up the garden path. He’d brought Easter Eggs and left them on the doorstep. I was so shocked I just stood there. I thought I was going to fall over. I was too scared to move.

I waited a couple of minutes in the hope he’d left. Went out to the garage for something and as I turned round to come out I saw his car disappear up the road. There was then a message an hour or so later saying “there are three Easter Eggs at the front door please take them in”.

I’ve felt awful ever since. My heart has been really pounding and I feel so anxious. He didn’t even bother to try and see his children. I told him they didn’t want anything from him, he agreed he wouldn’t, then the next day after a good chat with OW he turns up. She probably told him to come.

Just seeing him was so shocking.

I feel like I did at the beginning. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying so so hard to keep going but this afternoon has just been horrible.

Sorry

x

I’m on the verge of crying and I haven’t cried for weeks and weeks. I hate that they’ve turned me into a snivelling wreck.

It's always what he wants, isn't it? He has no bloody right to turn up like that and he has not a shred of consideration for anyone but himself. Horrible selfish man.

I'm not surprised you're upset. It must have been a terrible shock to see him when you were least expecting to do so, and on your own territory too. Anyone in your situation would be distressed. But, bless you, don't apologise for being unhappy, you have nothing to be sorry for.

This is a blip. It's set you back a bit, but you'll pick yourself up and go on because it's what you do (and you do it supremely well). And when you've recovered you'll see it's even more reason to despise him that he couldn't pay you the courtesy of staying away when asked.

Be kind to yourself MoreLegs. He isn't worth a hair of your head. Hopefully tomorrow will be a happier day.

I hope you can get some rest. Sleep tight, lovely.

You're not a snivelling wreck, lovely. You are brave beyond belief and today was just a really rotten day. They won't all be like that. Promise.

Have to agree this is a very small blip. Don't forget you have recently been feeling poorly, followed by seeing the ex earlier it caught you unaware.

Have a little cry then onwards and upwards to being yourself ..... Stronger and determined. 🌻❤️🌻

Oh op, what a git

If you hurt someone so profoundly, the least he can do is respect the fact you need time to heal. He won't even give you that will he?

Bastard.

It's like rubbing somebodies face in the muck. I think a message from one of the older children asking him not to call unanounced could be appropriate.

I think he still wants control over you.

Hope you are ok x