Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Get well soon, Legs. X

Evening!
Hope you are feeling a bit better.

Take care of yourself, we are all rooting for you.
💐

Probably all the ex's shenanigans caught up with you. Take time to recover. We will be here on your return 💐 x

Thank you so much for all the well wishes. I don’t know what I’ve had but I know I didn’t like it. Am still feeling pathetic and washed-out but I’m feeling more myself today. Apparently on Wednesday evening DD4 came in to me around 9.00pm and I was delirious, talking rubbish and asking if I could hold her friend’s baby...

I’ve so missed him during this. Just imagining he would be physically near me while I felt so ill. Does that make sense?

I’ll come back tomorrow with an update. I need to get back on the cleaning first though.

Thank you all again, so much.

x

It makes sense. Habits of affection are hard to break.

Glad to hear you're on the mend. It does sound like you've had a really nasty bug. Don't overdo the cleaning and set yourself back. It will still all be there for you when you're better - unfortunately!

Look after yourself, lovely. Sleep well.

Congrats. You just got through your first illness without him.

See this as a positive, you don't need him to support you through anything.

Onward and upwards!

Glad your feeling a bit better.

Thank you x

I have felt better today. I spoke to my DFIL who still hasn’t heard a word from H. He said again that if H wants ever to talk it can be done face-to-face, not over the phone, but he will not have OW there too. He said he still feels disgusted by H. He recalled the last time they met - around May time last year I think. H was apparently at his home for a few hours and spent it virtually mute with his head down in his phone. DFIL said looking back, he was obviously messaging her the whole time.

A few weeks ago I would’ve been so upset and sad to hear that but today I just felt so angry with him for doing that to his own father. DFIL is a lovely man and he doesn’t deserve any of this.

The conversation reminded me of all the lies that were told: to me; the DC; his sister, brother and father, and even DD1’s own husband. There must have been hundreds and not once did he slip up. He was just faultless.

I wonder if he’s some kind of narcissist. I hear that word a lot but don’t know if it’s him. Do you think?

I feel just so awful for his poor dad. I scarcely believe he wouldn’t contact him. It’s cowardice of course. At the heart of it he’s just too scared. Barely the action of a real man is it.

x

I don't know that much about narcissism myself, but I can certainly tell that he's utterly selfish and other people count for very little in his self-absorbed bubble.

And it is cowardly and despicable to cut off an elderly parent in the midst of a global pandemic that disproportionately affects older age groups, just because you don't want to hear disapproval of your behaviour.

I suspect that being with you all those years enabled him to hide that selfishness to a certain extent. That because you were loyal, responsible and dependable, and could be relied upon to pick up the slack, his shortcomings weren't exposed in the way they're being now.

But it's good that you're angry rather than upset, and good that you can feel anger at how he's behaved to others, not just you. He's losing the power to hurt you as you recover from the damage he's inflicted.

Anyway it's lovely that you're feeling better. Hope you managed to enjoy some sunshine and that you haven't overdone it on the cleaning front. I had my vaccination today and my arm now feels like someone hit it with a brick, so that will be my excuse for cobwebs!

Good night. Sleep tight.

Thats good to hear you're feeling better, its also good that you are beggining to see his selfishness towards others.

I agree with Cat Chant that you have always picked up the slack and others will now begin to see the real him. It will become more and more apparent how much you did.
Good.
He won't even understand how people will change towards him if he's always been so self absorbed.
Keep going you are doing great.

Sleep well.

You have picked up the slack every step of the way. While you were supporting him through ED and his impotence, what was he doing for you?

The selfishness shines through, his sole contact with his kids in almost 3 months is a cookie and 3 slices of birthday cake (which was all about him)

Be angry, hope you have a lovely week, have you arranged to meet up with other DCs over Easter?

Thank you x

@CatChant I had my first vaccination in February and my arm hurt for a day or so afterwards. Still, I’d rather a sore arm than the alternative.

@billybagpuss I did support him didn’t I. And for what? For him to push me away further and further because he couldn’t get it up. Then all his promises after his surgery. The smallest consolation is that I at least know that before the ED the proof of his arousal was there right in front of me. He can bang her, a hole in the wall or the hoover for all it matters. He doesn’t even have to be wanting it particularly, he just inflates away. She’ll never ever know how it feels with him properly.

I didn’t get outside at all today. The wind has been absolutely howling.

DD3 wants to go and look at a car tomorrow. She wants me to go with her to check it over. I won’t have a clue.

I have just this very moment realised for the first time today that it’s the Sunday Anniversary. And I’ve forgotten how many weeks - 10 or 11 I think.

I will come out of this alive won’t I.

x

I was there at the very beginning of your journey. And have only read again now today.
Take a look at your own posts and see how far you have come ! And he is no longer looking like the centre of your world. His selfish , self absorbed , pathetic Mid Life Crisis persona is becoming obvious to everyone. And while , his marriage betrayal is the most heinous , he has also diminished his relationships with every family member, including his elderly father.
Shame on him.
And yeah , you will definitely get through this.

I think these men end up resenting the fact that they have to hide the fact that they are actually utterly repellant human beings and they remove their masks and show their true selves to the world.

You are doing an excellent job, @MoreLegsThanMe.

Yes, isn’t it amazing how with 10-11 weeks of hindsight, things look and feel so different.

I’d probably go and see a car if it was in a garage who could give some kind of guarantee. I wouldn’t have a clue on a privately sold one.
I think the AA used to check out second hand cars. Not sure if they still do?
Or can you phone a mechanically minded friend?

I live in Australia, so things may be different... we have mobile mechanics that offer pre-sale, independent mechanical & structural checks on used cars. They can tell you if all the parts are warranty-standard and if the car has been in an accident, etc. It’s worth potentially losing a little money rather than a LOT of the car is a money pit.

Google 'mot check gov' put the reg in and it will show you what the car failed on previously and if there are any advisories on it.
10 weeks, 11 weeks, you're healing so well and the fact you're kids are dealing with it so easily is all credit to you.

@Thatnameistaken

Google 'mot check gov' put the reg in and it will show you what the car failed on previously and if there are any advisories on it. 10 weeks, 11 weeks, you're healing so well and the fact you're kids are dealing with it so easily is all credit to you.

Yes, also do this before you go, speaking from experience, I took dsil to look at one, they let us test drive it and it was only later we found it had no tax or mot. He’d only just passed his test, thank god we weren’t stopped.

Are you going to a main dealership or a second hand dealer?

It’s been windy and horrible here too, but we have managed to get the garden tidy so we can have guests again, hoping you can too. Your life will start to pick up now. You can do things for you, I’m so excited for swimming pools to reopen, What will you be doing? The healing can really begin.

Thank you x

It’s a secondhand one. We’ve been advised of a list of questions to ask, can they open the bonnet and we’ll check the oil, when’s the timing belt due to be changed etc etc. It’ll just be so good for her to be fully independently mobile again.

So can I ask for opinions/advice again:

He WA’d me early this afternoon - “hi, hope you are well. Is it okay if I come to the house to drop off the kids Easter Eggs?”

He’s never bought an Easter Egg in his life! I did all that and already have them. I don’t know if I should say yes/no/fuck off or just not reply. The DC really don’t care. They don’t want to see him.

He messaged at about 1.00pm and as I hadn’t replied then messaged DD3. Clearly he was expecting me to answer straightaway. I’ve trained myself to leave my phone upstairs when I get up and I never look at it until I go to bed. I’ll be honest, there were days when I looked at it constantly, hoping he’d get in touch. But now I just leave it.

DD said to him that she didn’t think it was a good idea for him to come here and his response was that he’d “already bought them”.

I feel all jittery and anxious again tonight. I haven’t heard from him since he sent the message that he was being discharged from hospital. I thought I was getting used to the fact that he wasn’t going to contact me again and now this. Help!

I feel like I’m losing it a bit. I thought I was progressing but now I’m not so sure.

x

Contact is hard . Tell him to shove his Easter Eggs up his arse. And his psycho girlfriend can have them !
What a loser .

I've been following your thread and I just wanted to say I think you are doing brilliantly. He's a dick (as you know) but any unexpected contact from him is bound to make you wobble a bit. Everything seems worse at night as well, I'm sure you will be over it in the morning. You have come so far, the proof of that is you no longer need to keep your phone close. I am sure that the fact you didn't answer his message will have infuriated him and I imagine that has been on his mind a lot today. Screw him and his shitty eggs.

If you can keep him away I would, he will think it's some kind of victory if he's accepted back into the home.

Sleep tight x

Neutral place to drop eggs like cafe or park. Not his house anymore. He moved out.

Oh and get one of the kids to reply with that suggestion.

Easter eggs aside, this is a good part of the healing process, there will be occasions where you will have to see him and be civil, graduations, wedding etc. When you find the anxiety rising sit down and close your eyes a second and take a couple of deep breaths. Big breath in, then slowly and controlled out. Do this a couple of times. It will allow your head to settle, like you say he’s never bought an Easter egg in his life, so far he has had no meaningful conversation with his DC’s and his only interaction has been cookie, cake and now,Easter eggs. He’s has no clue how to engage with them.

Ignore the message, dd has also replied and his reply needs nothing further, it is not your job to facilitate Easter eggs Let him stew.