Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

You will always regret it if you acknowledge his birthday, don’t do it to yourself. That man is nothing to you now.

So pleased for your daughter. You must be very proud.
Definitely do nothing in regard to his birthday. You could remind your children and ask if they want to send him a card from them but they are old enough to decide and sort it out for themselves. ( I only say mention once it for their sakes in case they feel they would like to)

Congrats to your DD3, OP. That is wonderful news. Like everyone else, I wouldn’t send a message on his birthday. He made his bed and all that...

His birthday? A great day for all of you to be celebrating yr DD's great success.

Think of him... not at all. Wish him nothing.

Keep behaving as if you don't care and it will become true.

You already don't care for the man he has become - all regrets are for the man you thought he was in times past.

@MoreLegsThanMe I'm going to go against the grain here and say send him a birthday card from all of you! Something banal from hallmark maybe. (Or you might find one with some wording that amuses you or is referring to him as a 'wonderful family man' or something.. )

He is 60, and he will be reflecting on his whole life up to where he is now. He will feel much, much worse if he receives a card from the family he has just betrayed than if he doesn't.

And you guys will look like the decent people you are.

And the bonus - it will annoy the hell out of the OW.

Wonderful news @Legs, you and the family have come along in leaps and bounds. Maybe not right now, but reread this post from the beginning and you'll see the tremendous steps forward you've made. Well done and big hugs 🤗

[quote FantasticButtocks]@MoreLegsThanMe I'm going to go against the grain here and say send him a birthday card from all of you! Something banal from hallmark maybe. (Or you might find one with some wording that amuses you or is referring to him as a 'wonderful family man' or something.. )

He is 60, and he will be reflecting on his whole life up to where he is now. He will feel much, much worse if he receives a card from the family he has just betrayed than if he doesn't.

And you guys will look like the decent people you are.

And the bonus - it will annoy the hell out of the OW. [/quote]
I suppose you could always send him a card like this, with happy photos of you all as a family. Then a really curt note, “Many happy returns.”

Great news for DD3

@FantasticButtocks

Op could go the who hog and send a lovely boxed presentational mug with the words "Worlds Greatest Dad" on it.

The only problem with cards and gifts are that they are both deluded, he thinks he still is a wonderful dad, and she hasn't a clue what he's given up for her.

Both of them are living in another reality.

Hope you are ok today op
Take care
x

OP, you are just simply INCREDIBLE

Thank you all so much and for the job congratulations. DD3 is raring to go.

I’m glad you didn’t think I should wish him a happy day. I imagine their mantlepiece will be very bare. A card from her and maybe from her kids? How sad is that.

Thinking of the two of them today I’ve felt quite sad, rather than yesterday when I was more resigned. I don’t know why the change, I guess maybe I’ll feel differently each day/week etc. I e tried to work out why I’m sad and I think it’s because they at least have each other. I mean I know his birthday will be a big pity party and he’ll complain bitterly to her that we didn’t send cards etc, but he has her to tell. I know I have the DC but it’s a different dynamic isn’t it. I have no one just to tell things to.

This is descending into self pity isn’t it, so I’ll stop now. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be feeling a bit more strong.

x

There'll still be sad days MoreLegs, just fewer of them and they won't be as intense.

They have each other, true, but neither of them is reliable or supportive. They are not the sort of people to have each other's back in hard times, so what they have isn't worth very much at all.

And her kids won't be buying him a card. She might buy one for him on their behalf but it will be meaningless. All he is to them is a person (probably the person) who turned their lives upside down. OW is equally at fault but she's their mother and they're too young to be apportioning blame.

Better times are ahead. Keep on going, lovely.

Sleep tight.

@MoreLegsThanMe
This is descending into self pity isn’t it, so I’ll stop now. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be feeling a bit more strong.

Not necessary self pity More legs, you are expressing how you feel. They may ‘have each other’ butwhat what do they really have? A relationship founded on deceit and infidelity, a fairy tale they have woven. I’m sorry you don’t have someone irl to share with but hopefully as we ease back on restrictions this will change. Hope you are fast asleep and the weekend is a good one for you. 💐

Self pity is not necessarily a bad thing. It's acknowledging a need that you have. And grieving that the way you used to fill that need is now gone.

I would hazard a guess that it's been a long time since you acknowledged that as you're more often thinking of the needs of others first.

I love that you challenged yourself to post one good thing every day, but I challenge you to go one step further to also post one thing you did for yourself every day.
It could be very simple things to start with, like I made myself a cup of tea and sat down and read a magazine, watched a programme or whatever you enjoy.
Even if you don't do it in this thread, it will make you start thinking more about your own needs.

Once you start remembering what you enjoy doing for yourself, you can start thinking about how you can connect with groups that enjoy the same thing. Walking groups, gardening, craft, exercise, history, stamps, film appreciation, bird watching, cleaning tips, decorating, furniture arranging etc etc etc.
Leading eventually to after lockdown being able to connect to people IRL.

The need to have someone to talk to is universal and does not have to be limited to a spouse/partner.

It's so nice to see that you are making your way forward every day.

I’m guessing his birthday is getting very close as it’s really playing on your mind, remember with any form of grieving the first year is the hardest as you have to go through every single anniversary, first birthday, first valentines etc. Then you can really start to heal. You’re already ticking them off.

How are you getting on with admin stuff, have you started divorce proceedings and got a claim in for cms yet.

Stay strong you’re doing so well.

Thank you everybody x

DD4 and DS are embroiled in FaceTiming their mates just now. DD3 did similar earlier and caught up with her friends from university. It’s so nice to hear them laughing and being so happy. I wonder if H would be saddened to know how little they think of him.

I really want to get outside and started on the garden but there’s no way just yet. We even had some snow today.

His birthday is later this week. I can but hope he spends some of it thinking about what he’s lost. Knowing him he won’t though, it’ll all be oh they forgot about me, didn’t even send cards, poor little me, what have I done to deserve this etc etc.

I get the impression that he genuinely thinks he hasn’t really done anything wrong, he’s still the DC’s father even though he lives elsewhere with someone else.

I really do think I’m doing better. I’m still quite full of questions though, which won’t ever be answered. I mean he met her in person in May last year, then left us on 11th June to shack up with her. They think they’re star crossed lovers or something, but it just looks pathetic reading that back. It’s almost madness.

I’m rambling on again. It just helps to get it all out.

x

You are doing better, and that the DC are coping so well is a tribute to you. You are their rock.

I expect he will feel hard done by. But he's good at lying to himself about his actions. It's one reason why you would never get honest answers to all your questions even if you had the chance to ask and he was willing to reply. He will always present himself in the best light possible, even to himself.

And you ramble away as much as you want if it helps. This is your thread, for your support.

Hope the weather picks up for you. No sign of snow here (DS would welcome a decent fall) but plenty of rain and even some hail so I'm not getting out into the garden either. Surely milder weather can't be far away now.

Sleep well.

Hi op, so glad the mood is lifting at your house.

Have a lovely Mother's Day.

Sleep tight.

His birthday is later this week. I can but hope he spends some of it thinking about what he’s lost. Knowing him he won’t though, it’ll all be oh they forgot about me, didn’t even send cards, poor little me, what have I done to deserve this etc

And this is why you will be better off in the long run. You clearly know him so well, you have described a pretty selfish man who considers his own needs above others. Whether they work or not in the long run (my money is on not) he has given you a gift of freedom. It will take you a while to work out how it best works for you but there must be things you’ve fancied doing, but didn’t because he didn’t want to. Holidays that were way up on your list but low on his.

Hope the kids well and truly spoil you today 💐

Your doing amazing op. Happy Mother’s Day xx 💐

I hope you’re doing ok OP I really do, but some of what you say is quite offensive. I was married to a man 21 years older than me, and I was with him at the ages you are mentioning. Yes it’s awful the way he left you, and trust me I’ve been there, but we did last and were far from disgusting. I wish he had lived to 70, and yes I would’ve still been with him.

I’m glad the DC are all doing ok. I’m worried they aren’t talking to him to protect you though. They obviously know how you feel about it all so maybe they don’t want to upset you. Maybe you should let them know it’s ok if they want to see him

Happy Mother's Day @Legs. I'm sure your children will show you today what a wonderful mum you are. Enjoy every last minute of spoiling.

@AngelDelightUk if you've read this post from the offset you'll see @Legs has always told the children they're able to speak to or see their father. It's the children's choice and are old enough to make that choice. Please don't go down the road of being 'offended', @Legs has every right to feel and express the way she sees the situation. I would feel the same if my DH slunk off with another woman after such a short period of knowing each other, and the fact she gave up her own children to do that for me speaks volumes of what sort of woman she is.

I agree wholeheartedly with Grrrpredictivetex. At no point has MoreLegs spoken disparagingly of relationships with large age gaps or with a partner in ill-health.

She is talking of the specific relationship between her H and the OW and making the point (which she is entitled to and I agree with her) that ill health and a large age gap are strains that a relationship founded in deceit and extreme selfishness on both sides is unlikely to withstand. A good marriage (such as yours AngelDelight) is capable of weathering the rough and the smooth and should do. Why else do we vow "in sickness and in health" etc?

And, yes, at no point has MoreLegs discouraged her DC from contacting their father. They are old enough to choose and they chose. If you read the previous thread you would know her H acted with no more consideration towards his DC when he ran off with OW than he did towards his wife.

Happy Mother's Day MoreLegs. Your DC are so lucky to have you.

Excellent post @CatChant