Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

@AngelDelightUk

I hope you’re doing ok OP I really do, but some of what you say is quite offensive. I was married to a man 21 years older than me, and I was with him at the ages you are mentioning. Yes it’s awful the way he left you, and trust me I’ve been there, but we did last and were far from disgusting. I wish he had lived to 70, and yes I would’ve still been with him.

I’m glad the DC are all doing ok. I’m worried they aren’t talking to him to protect you though. They obviously know how you feel about it all so maybe they don’t want to upset you. Maybe you should let them know it’s ok if they want to see him

It's a support group for @MoreLegsThanMe. It's not about you.

Obviously I meant support thread

Happy Mother’s Day, @MoreLegsThanMe.

Thank you x

I meant no offence about the age gap, I really didn’t. It’s the age gap between my H and OW, and the fact that OW is only a year older than our oldest DD. It’s their “relationship” that upsets me, not big age gaps or ill-health. In his case I’m sure what they’ve done contributed massively to his heart attack. And as other posters point out, our DC are now all of an age where they can do what they like, see anyone they want to and keep in touch or otherwise with anyone. It’s my H that has completely forgotten or ceases to care about his responsibilities to his DC.

It’s the nine week anniversary today. I’ve been better than I was. I’m speaking to my GP again on Wednesday and I’ll ask him about staying on the antidepressants a while longer.

DD3 and I had FaceTime with DD1 today. She moves house next month and says she has no intention of giving her father her new address. Apparently he sent her a message this morning saying he hoped she was being spoiled on Mother’s Day. She wasn’t happy to receive it because she says it irritates her getting any messages from him. She doesn’t like seeing his name appearing.

I don’t think I can do anything more to broker a relationship between any of the DC and their father. I’ve made it clear from the start that they can contact him any time, to talk or to see him, and none of them want to. He is clearly too cowardly to even try with them, and he has had no contact whatsoever with his own DF. This is a man over eighty, so time could well be running out for him to make peace between them.

I haven’t cried in weeks now. When I think about them i just loathe the pair of them. I just keep swimming for the sake of my DC.

x

You've come a long, long way in those nine weeks and you have nothing to apologise for MoreLegs.

Keep on swimming. You're amazing.

you really are doing well, have a good week.

Thank you both x

Another day got through. I just wish I could see myself in three or six months - I don’t still want to be counting the days.

I’m quite upset tonight, without really knowing exactly why. I don’t want to start moaning and complaining to you, so I’ll come back tomorrow when hopefully I feel a bit better.

x

Poor MoreLegs I'm sorry it's been a bad day for you. I don't think the miserable weather helps and I certainly don't think the even sadder current news does either - sometimes it's best to step away and concentrate on something else for a bit.

Are there any authors you're fond of? Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey Maturin series (the first is Master and Commander) is one of my favourite comfort reads. The world of Nelson's navy is very far removed from present day problems and the novels are very funny and very exciting. I first fell in love with them when I opened one at the captain complaining to his ship's surgeon that the surgeon's wombat was eating his hat and the surgeon was reassuring him it would do the wombat no harm...This, I thought, was very unlike the usual military/naval historical novels with their boringly perfect heroes.

You moan away whenever you feel like it. This is your thread so you put yourself first for once.

And you won't always be counting the days. I don't know when but a time is going to come when you'll actually have to make an effort to calculate how long it's been. And when you're glad he's gone because he'll never get the chance to lie to you and cheat you again. You are worth so much more.

Sleep tight, lovely.

Do feel free to moan on here, with things like this it’s a good outlet, an a good record for you to look back on. I know you read through your earlier posts recently, look how far you’ve come.

I think lockdown is now the real reason you’re still counting the days. We are 2 weeks away from bbq in the garden with one other household. You can spend Easter with other members of your family, bank holiday with friends. This is when the monotony will start to pass properly. It will be much easier to move on from this because you’ll have a life beyond the same 4 walls and with all your family around you. Just remember the cookie, he won’t be having a lovely family Easter, he will maybe spend it with her kids who he doesn’t like.

Hope you feel a bit better today, Legs. Feeling better is a one step forwards, two steps back deal sometimes, especially when you’re depressed, but the general trend will be upwards. It’s disheartening to have a rough day after feeling so upbeat, but all the good days are proof that you’re getting there, and one wobbly day certainly doesn’t mean you’re on a downward slide. It just means you’re human. Take care X

Thank you everybody x

My bin has finally arrived so hopefully I will get out into the garden to do some tidying up. I’d really like to have some window boxes too but I have to idea how to fix them into the walls.

As you say @Thewookiemustgo it’s definitely two steps forward and one back. There’s no instruction book for this, I’m making it up as I go along. I could never imagine this happening.

His birthday is coming up fast now. My DGS has a birthday the week after his so it will be interesting to see how he handles it and what the card from him might say. I don’t think he has the balls to send it from him and OW...

We saw the first spring lambs today. They were so sweet and I felt happier for seeing them. As Spring gets nearer I’m hoping that I might feel a bit more positive about life. I’m getting better at distracting myself when my mind starts wandering towards them.

My lovely DC are all well and happy. I have so much, don’t I, and he has a partner who is a liar and a cheat and who puts him above her children. They’re like peas in a pod. That’s all he has. Not much to show is it.

x

Not much at all@MoreLegsThanMe!

I hope you work out what to do re the window boxes, anyone local you could ask? Could try free standing planters instead....
You have such strength and positivity although you might not realise it - you are a good role model in so many ways.

Sleep well

Nos da x

You have so much more than him MoreLegs, and what you have is real and valuable in the best and truest sense. Which is as it should be because you deserve it.

Hurray for the green bin arriving and the first signs of spring. Hope you get the chance to get out and potter in the garden - it never fails to make me feel happier.

No lambs where I am but some years we see fox cubs playing in the garden very early in the morning. They are gorgeous when they're at the fat and fubsy stage. One spring and summer a young fox used to visit and potter round the garden with DS. Not quite within touching distance but happy to accompany him and fascinated by whatever DS was doing.

Take care. Sleep tight.

The spring lamb is a sign of hope so hold onto the image of that wee lamb in times of doubt and turmoil

Thank you x

I got as far as getting the drill out of the garage but it doesn’t seem to be fully charged after 8 hours - I think maybe it’s got a bit damp and might not work any more. I’ll try again tomorrow and if no luck it’ll mean a trip to B&Q.

I’ve been back in resigned mode today. Thinking about them just makes me tired. I haven’t wanted them cluttering up my mind.

I just need to get his birthday out of the way...

x

He might prefer to forget his birthday... since it marks another decade in the gap between him and OW. The contrast is likely to make him feel particularly old.

No, you don't want them taking up lodging in your head. But I think you're getting better at pushing them out of it. And tired resignation is better than very unhappy. As time goes on their power to hurt you is growing less and less.

I don't think his birthday's going to be so great either. There's going to be quite a contrast with previous years' celebrations and I imagine he's going to feel very sorry for himself. Possibly he'll even feel the cold clutch of fear that this is all he's ever going to have now...

Isn't it sod's law that just when you've psyched yourself up to a bit of DIY something lets you down? Like it starting to rain when you've just opened a can of stain to paint a fence, or running out of rust remover when you're trying to refurbish an old grate (I have done both of these). I hope the drill behaves itself or at least doesn't prove too much of a pain to replace.

Sleep well, lovely.

A trip to b&q will be good, pay a trip to the garden bit too and treat yourself to some new plants and pots too.

Thank you x

I slept so badly last night - at one point I looked at my phone and it was 3.47am. I just couldn’t settle down. Horrible. I wish there was just something I could take that would knock me out for eight hours straight. Even on the sleeping tablets I wouldn’t say I was sleeping well.

So it’s his birthday tomorrow. I’ll be honest, I did think about messaging him. But it was really fleeting and even as I was thinking it I knew I wouldn’t do it. No doubt she’ll probably arrange some stupid celebration for him.

The drill is properly dead so I will have to go out and find another one. Part of me just wants to show the pair of them that he isn’t needed. Anything that needs to be done I can do. I have DS if I need brute strength and YouTube if I need lessons.

Thank you all for staying with me. It helps more than you can know x.

You don't need him. YouTube is a wonderful teaching resource, you're an intelligent woman and, as you say, you have your lovely DS if brute strength is needed. It is a pain about the drill but as @billybagpuss advised make sure you pick up some nice things for the garden while you're at B&Q.

I'm sure it's tempting to message him but do, if you can, sit on your hands. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you've remembered. Not hearing anything will be far more unsettling than anything else you could do. And make sure you do something lovely for yourself tomorrow.

I hope you can get a decent night's sleep tonight. Everything is so much harder if you're exhausted.

We're here when you need us. Sleep tight, lovely.

Tomorrow is a good day for treating yourself!

Yes I agree with pp's try not to contact him, it will be difficult for you as you are a caring person and the one who always made things special, but he needs to know now he is not special.

Save your special for the inner sanctum, your children and grandchildren.
He is now an outsider and he must now rely on her, and only her to make him feel important. That's quite a job when he's been used to the attention of a large family, I also think her care giving qualities will not be quite up to scratch, being such a self entitled individual.

Keep on with the jobs, you are doing great, again one step at a time.
I really admire you.

Sleep well.
x

Just catching up with this thread. You are doing so well, and deserve happiness and respect. Maybe one day he will see what he has thrown away. I know how hard things are for you. We are all wishing the best for you. Stay strong - there is a light at the end of this awful tunnel . Your DC are there for you. Please take care of yourself.

It’s completely understandable that you’d have a wobble around his milestone birthday. All anniversaries of any kind are going to be tricky for a while. The firsts are the worst when you have lost someone for whatever reason, so be kind to yourself and your mind will quieten again.

You don’t need to show them you don’t need him. You don’t. You are showing yourself every day that you don’t need him and that’s far more important. They say that the best revenge is a life well-lived. You do you, Legs. Their opinion of you is worthless. The opinion of those you love and admire and who have your best interests at heart are the only opinions that matter.
Tomorrow will be hard, it might bring up all sorts of memories and trigger all sorts of emotions, but that’s perfectly natural and signifies nothing. He chose not to be in your life in the cruellest way possible so cannot expect a birthday greeting.
Plan something for yourself. Buy yourself some flowers or something you like, to remind yourself how lovely you are and celebrate how far you have come.
If visual images help you, take one flower to a river near you if you can and watch it float away downstream. It’s a symbolic ‘letting go’ and can sometimes help. Each time you find yourself going back over old painful thoughts, remember that image (if you actually physically do it the image is stronger) and remind yourself that they are in the past and you have let the past go. You can let the bad thoughts float away. Take care X