Please hold my hand a bit longer - thread 2 -

[MoreLegsThanMe]

I’m so grateful for all the help and support on thread 1.

Please help me keep going, especially at night. I’m not strong enough on my own.

Hi op, hope you are ok tonight.
Wow it is cold isn't it? Walking today in the rain , it was horrible, I don't reccomend it, I've heard it's going to snow.

Roll on spring.

You will manage op, you have managed all last year when he was away, you will mange, you will, strong lady, with a strong sense of duty, loyalty and love for your children.
He's just an idiot, you can't change that, he will never understand what he's lost and what he's losing.
I can see when this ends there will be one monumental pity party coming from him, don't you think about helping him out of that one.!

You never did say.... what did her husband have to say about this, being left with the children, her leaving him, the affair.
Did he not have an opinion, have you ever spoken to him?

Take care, sleep well tonight. x

It is good to see your updates OP. I hope it feels like light at the end of the tunnel for you.

Thank you everybody.

DD4 said she’d had a message from him yesterday so I imagine he’ll have to his usual cut and paste job. She was as scathing as only a sixteen-year-old can be.

@CatChant you’re so right - it’s the worst possible time to be jobhunting isn’t it. I so hope she gets this one.

Not a great deal happened here today. We had some snow about teatime but it didn’t amount to anything.

I really think now that the antidepressants are working. I feel much more positive in general, so that’s good?

I just need to banish the nighttime demons. I know I will eventually but it can’t come soon enough.

He’s not the man I married. I don’t know when he changed but I know he did. The ED drove a wedge between us for sure, going on for so long. I wonder if he went on those horrible sites to try and boost his ego/masculinity at a time when his body wasn’t working properly. To make him feel that he was desirable. Even though I’d been nothing other than supportive.

I played by the rules and was faithful to him always, and look where it’s got me.

Well, I'd not be one bit surprised if at some point he'll say he was compensating for the ED. It's no excuse whatsoever though. He had a loving and supportive wife who put no pressure on him.

It still all boils down to selfishness and putting his own desire to rejuvenate himself over the people who should have meant the most in the world to him. Pathetic and risible. He didn't deserve any of you.

It is so lovely to see that you are getting stronger. Night-times are always the hardest times when life's hit a bad patch, but it sounds like you're getting better at coping with those too. Eventually you are going to be fine.

No snow here, but it is still cold and wet. DS is off to school tomorrow to rub swabs over his tonsils and up his nose. He is prone to nosebleeds so this could get messy. And he hates the sight of blood too...

Sleep well MoreLegs.

Glad the ADs are starting to work, @MoreLegsThanMe

Hang on in there. KOKO keep on keeping on.

I think in the coming months as you continue to improve you’ll realise how much better your life is. The ED must have taken out of you too, your married life has been one long sacrifice helping him through the ED, the other illness. Constant give from you. When was the last time you did something for you? This is why the betrayal is so hard as he’s used you for support for years. That kind of selfishness is ingrained, I can’t see ow putting up with it for long.

Did dd answer the message?

Thank you all.

@Onthedunes I have no idea about her husband. My H said that OW was in a loveless marriage and felt ignored. Her husband stayed up until the early hours on his games console. He apparently left once then came back after a couple of days or something like that. They all sound as bad as each other. If there was a selfishness competition H and OW would win hands down.

@billybagpuss no, DD4 has never replied to any of his messages. She says there are great long gaps between them and as soon as she sees one she deletes straightaway. DS and the other DDs don’t speak about him ever.

I still can’t take it in that he’d give up everything for this woman. I bet when they have a quarrel he’ll be the one saying look at all I left behind. She of course still sees her children. I’d imagine after all this time that they’ve started spending longer and longer in the flat...

I wonder if in time he’ll decide he does want them there after all. There is no chance whatsoever of our DC ever visiting. His own father has said he will pay him a visit after lockdown....

You have a couple stuck with each other during lockdown. No escape from one another. He's already had a heart attack. I doubt the sex, if there is any is rocking her world. She's not living with her children. His are not speaking to him. It's only a matter of time before this shit show comes to an end. When he starts begging to come back please slam the door on his face.

Has he spoken to his df much. I guess not if the df just says things he doesn’t want to hear. Hope your youngest enjoy getting back to school next week.

Hope you have a good weekend, has your bin arrived yet.

By the time it really hits him that this new life isn't what he imagined, that the people who really mattered in his life think he's a pathetic twat and refuse to give him the time of day, you and your kids will have moved on and built your new life.
Your future is full of being involved in your children building their own lives and families, enjoying grandchildren and holidaying with them, building a network of friends for yourself.
You have so much to look forward to.

He will regret it. They always do.

I worked with an older man who left his wife and two children to be with a young woman who was a colleague of ours. They’d been having an affair for a year.

Once it all came out, their relationship fizzled and lasted all of six months. He then went grovelling back to his wife, who wouldn’t have him back.

At every Xmas party and office drinks do, he would get drunk and wallow publicly in his misery, telling anyone who listened how he’d made a huge mistake.

He was such a gross, old loser. That’s how our whole office viewed him. Just a creep living in a one bedroom flat who had blown up his life.

3 years later, the ex-wife went on to meet an amazingly hot man. She got super fit through regular running, got a promotion at her work. She looked good and started winning at life once she lost that loser.

The last time I heard, her old husband was still living in a one bedroom flat, he’d aged badly, was still single and drinking heavily in the pub every night. Oh well.

Thank you.

@billybagpuss - nope, no bin yet. When I’ve spoken to his dad he has said that when he calls it just goes to voicemail. It’ll be because he’s scared of what will be said, so he just doesn’t answer.

Such a coward. He doesn’t even want to own what he’s done. And such liars the pair of them. They really are welcome to each other.

They’ve left behind such a trail of destruction. I don’t even know if they realise what they’ve done, they’re so wrapped up in their little fantasy world.
How long can they keep that up?

Is it normal that it still really hurts when I think of what they’ve done? I don’t know if I should be a bit more over it than I am? I don’t get that awful jolt of realisation when I wake up now, but I do think of him/them during the day.

I wish I’d been more like him and just took whatever I wanted from life. Playing fair and being faithful and look where I’ve ended up. It just makes me look like a complete fool doesn’t it.

There's only one person looks like a fool and it isn't you.
And it's totally normal to still hurt, what you've gone/going through is akin to grief, you're grieving the man you thought he was

You totally don't look like a fool. You have your integrity and trust me that is massive. You can look yourself in the mirror and know that you are a good person. At the end of the day we all have to live with ourselves. Onwards snd definitely upwards

You're not the fool MoreLegs. He is, and OW is another one, and a day will come when they are each blaming the other for the destruction they have wreaked in both their lives.

And although it's totally understandable to say you wish you'd been selfish and grabby after the return you've had for your loyalty and integrity, the truth is you wouldn't ever have behaved like that because you are a decent person. You will never have to reproach yourself for what has happened.

Don't feel you should be recovering faster. Everyone has their own time scale for grieving and it's still very early days. You're getting stronger bit by bit. You'll be happy again.

Sleep tight.

Now @MoreLegsThanMe... I’m going to have to get slightly stern with you, and tell you that there is no set time to recover from this kind of life changing upheaval.
Please stop beating yourself up and saying that you should be getting over it by now!

It’s all quite incremental, and some stuff is easier to deal with... and some may take quite a while to process.

And on behaving like a decent human being with a moral compass...?
Hell yes, MoreLegs you get a gold medal... and seriously... people will know that.
Don’t ever stoop to his level.

I'm going to give an analogy that someone gave to me when I lost a family member.

It's called Box, button, ball.

Imagine a box with a button inside it. The button is your grief for the loss of your marriage. There is also a bouncy ball in the box. To start off with the ball is very big and pretty much every time it bounces round the box it hits the button and triggers your grief.

Over time the ball gradually gets smaller and as it bounces around the box it doesn't hit the button so often but when it does, it still with the same force and so your grief is big and painful when it is triggered.

More time passes and the ball bounces more gently round the box so that when it does hit the button the trigger is not so intense.

The ball will always be in the box and will probably hit the button for the rest of your life but the hits will become milder and more infrequent, until eventually you don't notice them so much.

Other life events can make the ball get bigger or more forceful again but it will reduce back when things are going well for you.

Grief is a such personal process that the size and strength of your ball will be totally different to someone else's. There is no right length of time or correct way to grieve.

Everyone carries their own box.

You are already so much stronger than you were at the start of your first thread and I hope you are giving yourself all the credit you deserve for how amazing you are.

@MoreLegsThanMe

Is it normal that it still really hurts when I think of what they’ve done?
You are feeling it. So yes it is normal, normal for you. There is no 'normal' because everyone is different, and so is every situation. Can you not just allow yourself to feel what you feel without assessing whether it's good enough or not? Be kind to yourself.

I don’t know if I should be a bit more over it than I am?

Why are you judging yourself in this harsh way? "Should" - is there a rule or law that says how long we 'should' take to get over painful experiences? I do hope not!

I wish I’d been more like him...
Do you really wish that?

and just took whatever I wanted from life. Did you not? Was being married to him stopping you in some way from doing the things you wanted to do in your life? If so, then maybe now there's a chance to make sure you do take what you want from life (once lockdown is over anyway)

Playing fair and being faithful and look where I’ve ended up.
You've been true to yourself though. If you'd behaved like he has, you wouldn't be happy, would you? Because you are fair minded, so if you'd done what he has, you'd be feeling awful in a different way. You'd find it hard to live with yourself.

It just makes me look like a complete fool doesn’t it.
It seems that to you it does! But I doubt it looks that way to others. (Although I'm not sure you've actually shared this experience with any friends yet, so at the moment no one's in a position to judge you as a 'complete fool' and you are the one who sees yourself in that unkind way.) Stop it.

Will you please stop having a go at yourself!!! It really won't help you.

Thank you, and thank you for the telling-off!

It’s eight weeks today but I never even remembered that til past one o’clock this afternoon. That’s definitely good.

You’re right of course @FantasticButtocks I wouldn’t ever do what he’s done. I thought as far as morality goes we were the same. Just shows how wrong you can be.

@HettySunshine thank you for that analogy. It’s a good way of describing how it feels to me right now.

It overwhelms me reading all your posts of support and help, really it does. I feel like I have my own little band right behind me.

Let’s see how tomorrow goes.

@MoreLegsThanMe

You are right you do have own little band of sisters behind you, women who have been in your shoes and are still enduring the same feelings as you do.
It's about the coping, it's not about the massive upheavals and decisions you have to make, it's about making this time endurable.
We have all said time will ease your pain and it will, believe that.
It will still be there that pain, but it will ebb and flow, increase and decrease nothing stays the same.
Take each day at a time, thats all you can do, its what you are doing, feel what you are feeling there is no shame in that.
You have been through so much and I think you are doing so well.

Yes let's see what tomorow brings....

x

The positive to this post is not realising the 8 weeks until lunch time, his relevance in your life and head is diminishing. He’ll never be gone completely and nor should he, he has his place in your past, but your future is your own and will be strong.

I watched a film on Netflix yesterday called ‘I am woman’ about the life of Helen reddy. I’d never heard of her before but was big during the women’s movement in America in the 70s. Here’s the lyrics of her song for you.

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)

I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

Have a good day today you’re doing amazingly

You're doing so well OP!! Keep going!

Thank you.

Another day nearly done.

I do feel much stronger in myself now. At the beginning I really was just carrying on minute by minute. I didn’t dare even think a few hours ahead, let alone days or weeks.

I love him still, and miss him, but I know that should things go wrong and he turns up here, there’s no taking him back. I don’t know if he’s started to feel any guilt or remorse, or if he’s still wrapped up in his silly little fairytale. To be honest I really did think he would’ve stayed in touch with his own children, but he hasn’t apart from that ridiculous cookie thing.

In ten years when he’s seventy there’s no way she’ll be hanging around - do you agree? She’ll be forty-seven then. He won’t seem much of a catch then, will he.

I’ve just been into all three DC to say goodnight and I realised how lucky I am to have such beautiful children. I don’t think he can know what he has lost.

x

Oh MoreLegs you're doing so very well. It is wonderful that you sound so much brighter.

No, I'm sure he doesn't realise what he's lost in both you and the DC, or what a shoddy makeshift he's decided to pursue instead. And, you're right, OW will always put herself first so there's no way she'll be planning to nurse a 70-year-old.

He wasn't, and isn't, worthy of any of you. And I don't see how it would ever be possible to trust him again.

You, however, deserve your lovely children and the new, happy life you are going to make for yourself.

Sleep well. You can absolutely do this.

You sound brighter tonight op, soon enough you will be giving advice and sucker to the new unfortunately betrayed at this rate.

I think you are begining to see he's not such a catch, don't you think ? and if you think that, God only knows when she's going to see the light.

This man could end up a lonely old fool, with nobody.

Oh well, onwards and upwards legs, a round of applause and three cheers of... 'for he's a supid old fella !'

Take care and sleep well, lovely lady.
x